Confused - Can anyone help me get my head together?

[funnysmells]

I don't know where to begin typing but I just can't seem to get my shit together and wanted some advice. I am making myself miserable.

I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, dancing around starting the courtship for 3 or 4 months before that.

Pros Fancy the pants off him, he is kind, he is so funny that he can make me laugh anytime, he is loving, affectionate, great sex, great conversation, he loves my kids and vice versa, he's a great dad to his own kids, he is the person I want to wake up to and tell stuff to and I know he feels the same. I know he'd never cheat, I feel I can trust him 100%, I can imagine growing old with him and never getting bored and I know he feels all of this and more for me. I love talking to him, love being with him, love everything about him!

The problem He comes and goes!!! This is so hard to put into words, but I think the best way to say it is that he is just not always there. I'm not clingy or needy or expecting someone to be there 24/7 and I love having my own space but this is different....it is a bit like he , but he sort of drifts back and forth a bit and outs me completely out of his head. It's not at all unusual for him to not phone or text me once in the week because he works a lot and if I phone him on the days he's busy, he just doesn't answer. He will reply to texts, but it's hard to explain...it is like I can tell I am sort of bothering him.

The thing is that it makes me feel bad every time he doesn't call me or keep in touch, and yes, I have told him this and no, he does not bend or change at all and i know he has had the exact same problem with past relationships and he's not going to change. He was also not like this until we had been together a few weeks so he gave the impression when we were courting the idea of being a couple that I could expect him to meet my contact needs, and he has changed.

I can't get my head together to decide what I think or feel. I want to be with him by I swing between thinking I am just being silly and should take him as he is and not try and fit a round peg in a square hole and other times I feel so angry that he cannot make a simple fucking daily phonecall to keep our bond going because when he doesn't I feel like he does not give a shit. I do know he has behaved like this in all past relationships and that is why the last one ended. She said he was like a part time partner.

Can anyone give me differing perspectives?

In the long run the talk is of us living together, retiring together, our kids are almost grown and he is a self confessed workaholic but he is also a fantastic guy who clearly idolises me and would be devastated to lose me but in the short run, I feel like I am only part time in his head.

I felt at first when he did this that I was being dumped or ghosted because it was so big a change, but over time saw it is just his way. He goes off for a few days of silence, then drifts back like nothing happened and makes it abundantly clear he has missed me and was thinking about me.

In my mind I am equating consistency, daily contact, daily calls, always being his first priority with how much he cares for me or likes me and I am wondering if I have this all wrong and that none of that means he does not care for me.

Being honest, what is really worrying me is that perhaps this behaviour is proof that I love / like him more because if he felt the same as me he would never want to wake up in the morning or to to bed without speaking to me.

I am torn because I know I hate this, I know it makes me feel bad but the other parts of him make me feel so good and he is so fantastic when he is with me that I do not know what to do.

I am also saddened by the fact he can't just listen to my needs. It makes me feel unloved and uncared for that he does not hear what I am saying and respond to it and it makes me feel like maybe long term he would be a bad husband / selfish partner.

Please can anyone advise? He's the first person I have felt I have loved for so, so, so, so long and I am just gutted that this problem is there and it is ripping me apart.

I feel like I am in a cycle where whether or not I am happy or sad depends on whether he speaks to me that day and this is a mad way to live!

I think he's saying what you want to hear. Which he shouldn't. He should find someone more relaxed about contact and you should find someone suitably intense to suit you.

You can't "fix" him. People don't work like that. If you're not happy with who he is now, don't wait (indefinitely) for him to magically become a different person. It's unlikely to actually happen.

It could be that because you 'really really frigging really' like this guy - that you're sensing his lack of contact as a lack of interest - which is making you feel anxious.

Could it be that you have had anxious tendencies with past partners - only that anxious behaviour gets pasified because they are all over you like a rash.

Maybe you expect too much from someone too soon?

Or maybe you are pretty spot-on, maybe you have spotted a red-flag, and he has an avoidant personality.
Avoidants 'want' human connection - like we all do. However, without them knowing they do this (usually caused from bad experiences of past relationships or a lack of a parent's loving support as a child) they can feel suffocated when the partner gets 'too' close.
Defining 'too close' can only be described by the avoidant, and they'll be different degrees of it.

If you are an 'anxious' type you can pasified immediately with a partner who communicates well with you and that responds to your needs. But an 'anxious' type with an avoidant is one hell of sad journey - unless they can put your 'needs' into perspective and respond to them. Such as a quick text to let you know he's busy but thinking about you. But an Avoidant type doesnt think to do that. They see your 'needs' as clingy.

Avoidant's can make an anxious person 'seem' needy - but it's NOT that they're needy - it's because the 'avoidant' is utterly crap at 'filling the anxious up with enough love' to make them feel satisfied.

I've got a touch of avoidant in me, and it comes out very much when I'm stressed and have too much going on. I can go weeks without convo. But I understand I need to think about my partner, and my partner has made it clear to me he will respect me, and will be patient with me, but he needs me to respect his needs also; else we don't have a future together. I don't want to lose him so we text daily.

So maybe your guy is avoidant. Or maybe it's just you being too anxious. How about you gently tell him your needs - if he cant work with what you 'need' to make you fully happy - then isn't that enough to know he doesn't make you fully happy

Don't mistake 'love' with the craving for his attention that you feel - they are NOT the same thing.