Confused - Can anyone help me get my head together?

[funnysmells]

I don't know where to begin typing but I just can't seem to get my shit together and wanted some advice. I am making myself miserable.

I have been seeing someone for a couple of months, dancing around starting the courtship for 3 or 4 months before that.

Pros Fancy the pants off him, he is kind, he is so funny that he can make me laugh anytime, he is loving, affectionate, great sex, great conversation, he loves my kids and vice versa, he's a great dad to his own kids, he is the person I want to wake up to and tell stuff to and I know he feels the same. I know he'd never cheat, I feel I can trust him 100%, I can imagine growing old with him and never getting bored and I know he feels all of this and more for me. I love talking to him, love being with him, love everything about him!

The problem He comes and goes!!! This is so hard to put into words, but I think the best way to say it is that he is just not always there. I'm not clingy or needy or expecting someone to be there 24/7 and I love having my own space but this is different....it is a bit like he , but he sort of drifts back and forth a bit and outs me completely out of his head. It's not at all unusual for him to not phone or text me once in the week because he works a lot and if I phone him on the days he's busy, he just doesn't answer. He will reply to texts, but it's hard to explain...it is like I can tell I am sort of bothering him.

The thing is that it makes me feel bad every time he doesn't call me or keep in touch, and yes, I have told him this and no, he does not bend or change at all and i know he has had the exact same problem with past relationships and he's not going to change. He was also not like this until we had been together a few weeks so he gave the impression when we were courting the idea of being a couple that I could expect him to meet my contact needs, and he has changed.

I can't get my head together to decide what I think or feel. I want to be with him by I swing between thinking I am just being silly and should take him as he is and not try and fit a round peg in a square hole and other times I feel so angry that he cannot make a simple fucking daily phonecall to keep our bond going because when he doesn't I feel like he does not give a shit. I do know he has behaved like this in all past relationships and that is why the last one ended. She said he was like a part time partner.

Can anyone give me differing perspectives?

In the long run the talk is of us living together, retiring together, our kids are almost grown and he is a self confessed workaholic but he is also a fantastic guy who clearly idolises me and would be devastated to lose me but in the short run, I feel like I am only part time in his head.

I felt at first when he did this that I was being dumped or ghosted because it was so big a change, but over time saw it is just his way. He goes off for a few days of silence, then drifts back like nothing happened and makes it abundantly clear he has missed me and was thinking about me.

In my mind I am equating consistency, daily contact, daily calls, always being his first priority with how much he cares for me or likes me and I am wondering if I have this all wrong and that none of that means he does not care for me.

Being honest, what is really worrying me is that perhaps this behaviour is proof that I love / like him more because if he felt the same as me he would never want to wake up in the morning or to to bed without speaking to me.

I am torn because I know I hate this, I know it makes me feel bad but the other parts of him make me feel so good and he is so fantastic when he is with me that I do not know what to do.

I am also saddened by the fact he can't just listen to my needs. It makes me feel unloved and uncared for that he does not hear what I am saying and respond to it and it makes me feel like maybe long term he would be a bad husband / selfish partner.

Please can anyone advise? He's the first person I have felt I have loved for so, so, so, so long and I am just gutted that this problem is there and it is ripping me apart.

I feel like I am in a cycle where whether or not I am happy or sad depends on whether he speaks to me that day and this is a mad way to live!

If all you say above is true then I think 'pulling away' would to him just look like you were equally chilled as he is about contact and he would probably feel quite happy that you've calmed down about it and realised what a small part of the good thing you've got it is. But that's not what you want is it? Why aren't you happy to let this relationship develop organically ?.how can you expect a man you've known at most casually 6 months (two of those more intimately) to feel the need to check in with you everyday when your lives are (rightly) barely combined? Would you rather be lovebombed for two months and then nothing or let a love and a bond which promotes in him the desire to speak to you everyday because your his life partner evolve ? Do you want Disney story love or long lasting real love and intimacy? It doesn't happen overnight but you will sure as shit kill any chance of it talking like this.

I think Les that the problem is really that it wasn't organic.

I had a bf who contacted me every day, every minute for the first few months we met, and then abruptly went the other direction. It wasn't organic...it was more a sudden change once we got very intimate and close and the chase was over.

He pulled away when we got very close and serious, so many what pp said about him being an avoidant was potentially true.

He will chase me again if I pull away and I don't really like that. I don't want his attention at times to suit only him or to have to play silly ignoring games to get it. Maybe that is the best way to explain it. It doesn't feel organic. It feels bad to me, like he has all the control.

I want a lasting love and intimacy, but I am honestly not sure what the difference is between compromise and being a doormat.

I definitely felt like the one being chased and now feel the reverse. I don't want anyone to chase really...just be mutual

I get that. Its at odds with all the good stuff you say about him though. What you're saying in a nutshell I think is that the amazing time you spend with him isn't enough for you not to feel vulnerable when you're away from him. To put it from his perspective - if you're as happy together as you tell it and perceive it - now you're a couple as it were he feels safer and that he can ease of the chase a bit. This feels good to him. But not good to you. Conversely the closer you are as a couple the less safe you feel away from him. You know he won't change his contact style. Is it within you to change your outlook?

That's why I have the thread title about being confused. It is at odds to have someone be so wonderful to you and yet absolutely refuse to take on board this small request. I can't understand it at all because like someone else said, it takes all of five seconds to do something that he knows would greatly please me and smooth away our one problem.

It is also worth saying there are things I have changed and adjusted to accommodate him and his needs so I am not expecting anything I am not giving myself. The art of compromise.

I do know for a fact he did the same with his ex wife, so from that I take at least the knowledge that this is "him" rather than "me" causing a problem, but in a way this confuses me even more.

He told me that he lost the last person that he loved from behaving like this and that he does not want to repeat his mistakes with me because he loves me, yet he is doing exactly that.

He does the opposite of what he says. He says he wants to be really intimate, as close as two people can be etc. but he does this distancing thing and when I have talked to him about he, he does listen but he does continue to do the same and just say he was busy, like he is in denial or not listening and thinks he is.

I am so happy when we are together, so happy when he gives me attention and time but it feels like he has to pull away after we have been intimate. I want someone who is there more, more consistent and more importantly where it is on both our terms and not just his. He says this will change and for me to be patience and that he is just taking it slow - because he says he is a bit nervous of becoming very attached to me very quickly, but then I suppose the part that confuses me was how full on he was at first.

The pulling away after intimacy is classic avoidance.... Though for what it's worth he doesn't sound like the worse case ever.

can you accept ir for a certain amount of time, i.e. another month and then see if he makes progress?
I think it's very likely that he's being honest about taking it slow/fear of attachment after only two months of this intensity. Why not take him on his word - some people genuinely do need time before plunging in completely. At least he's open about it so doesn't sound like game-playing to me.
It's SO done to death in "Men are from Mars..' book - the more intense a man gets, the more he needs a breather afterwards to feel he's not losing control /his identity in the very early stages of a relationship. So the advice is, if you let him be and not push, he's likely to WANT to get closer as he gets relaxed about his anxiety. I know some people think all these books are rubbish, but I think in this case, as he is very nice overall AND tells you about his problem openly, it's worth giving him a little time which he's actually asking for. And I do believe he has anxiety - it shows when he panics about you not responding.. Just set a time period that you can be comfortable with - then you are not likely to fret every time he pulls away.

obviously don't tell him you've set a trial period!

Funny - I am about 18 months down the line from you and although not identical the situation you're in is ringing warning bells.

My boyf was like this at first and we had been besotted with each other - like teenagers - we both said how lucky we felt to have each other, we couldn't believe our luck (in middle age!) - for about 6 months. I think around the time we moved in together it started to go wrong.

He went sort of cold, like the shutters would go down at times. Now I can't remember the last time I felt like he adored me. He doesn't seem to want any intimacy at all. Just gives me lots of long explanations as to why we are a mismatch, and has now suggested we live separately while we try to work things out. I've reluctantly agreed but tbh I don't have much hope things will improve - and what if they do - then what?!.

On a day to day level it's almost bearable at the moment, although I'm so disappointed verging in broken hearted, I've never felt this bereft fro such a long period - and from a pragmatic perspective I'm scared of where things might go next. What kills me is remembering how things were at the start and the massive GULF between then and now, it's like he can barely look at me :-( . I always suspected heady romantic relationships weren't to be trusted (and HOW romantic - he things he'd say to me!) And the sex was incredible, like a new level of fantastic. Now that same way with words is used to say things that hurt so much, and we haven't had sex for months. We have barely touched or held hands - and I always initiate it.

I think what I'm saying is if you suspect a problem now - it's possibly only going to get worse. It doesn't sound hopeful from what you say. Don't move in with him hoping it will solve it. I feel for you and would be honestly happy to be proved wrong. We're all here either way xx

and re the distancer / pursuer thing - this is definitely a thing for us but I am not particularly needy until I feel shut out, it hasn't really been a thing in my other relationships. The more space I give him the more he takes!

Your pros list is a red flag. It sounds like you've been together for years, when it's only a matter of weeks. You barely know him yet. Honestly, if someone spoke about me how you have spoken about him after this amount of time, I'd run as fast as I could. Way too intense and I mean that kindly. Protect yourself, don't give too much too soon.

In a nutshell OP if your relationship is as good as you tell it, then to ruin it at this stage over as you say, this small thing, is utterly nuts.

I am attracted to intensity / passion so that is what attracted me to him in the first place and also what attracted him to me also. I have always been attracted to that and have never ended up with a bad partner as I look carefully at a variety of things and get to know them very well before dating. I am intense / passionate myself about everything in my life from my breakfast to my dates and find anything else very wishy washy and unappealing so it's actually a turn off the way he behaves right now. He likes the way I am, does not want to run away so I am not worried that my intensity drives him away or anything, this is his issue, not a reaction to me.

Perhaps I could give him a time limit to see if it improves, I agree it might improve and I am sympathetic to fears and anxieties but I think the problem I have is that his fears and anxieties are causing him to behave in ways that create anxieties in me, so it's destructive. I agree I either need to get a grip or walk away but both are very hard.

I worry that like the previous poster, he might end up just being like this, and that's making me feel anxious and upset. I don't want an avoidant boyfriend, I didn't sign up for that and I feel quite cheated if he's misrepresented who he is to trick me into growing feelings.

Now it becomes clearly. Your thing is you like a rush of a new relationship but when it calms down a bit you feel cheated and anxious and start thinking about getting rid because of the one tiny thing that doesn't do it for you. That's commitment phobia OP I hate to break it to you - and its always always borne out of insecurity.

No, honestly. Never had this problem before. I am used to things naturally calming down. I find this unnatural and yes, that does create insecurity

So that's something you have to address in yourself rationally. He treats you amazing and makes you happy. How can you feel insecure? He could phone you three times a day and still leave you. What are you going to do about it? He's happy with low contact you're not. Neither is wrong just different relationship styles.

You sound like you want it to be like a teenage intense full on first love scenario, where you moon around thinking about each other all the time. The reality is you're both adults with busy lives, you've only been together a couple of months and you're wanting to map out retirement together?
It's making you feel shit because it seems like you've got different expectations. I know he's agreeing with it all but maybe when you're apart he likes a bit of breathing space? It all sounds very intense and I wouldn't want that this soon.

Lots of x-posts and I apologise as I could only skim read and probably missed loads of pertinent factors, so just ignore!

OP you could be writing about my ex, a cliche statement but true nevertheless.

It is a really confusing situation to be in and crucially, I didn't hold my ex responsible for that confusion when I was in it, I rationalised it out, made it ok because of the other qualities I could see in him. I let it go on that way for 3 years, which in hindsight was utterly ridiculous, but perhaps timed well as when I finally gave up I met the person I now live with and he is amazing.

When I look back on those years I don't regret but mostly I think, I knew that something was off and I didn't listen to myself, as much as I should have. It may not be the other woman scenario or some big secret but make no mistake there will be a something, because what you are describing is not healthy relationship behaviour.
I say it's unhealthy because you have addressed this with him and he's not attempted to meet your needs and/or compromise in any way. Why is that? What is he doing during this time of disconnection that is so important he can't compromise for the woman is going to spend his life with, retire etc.
So you are trying to find ways for this relationship to work for you on terms that you aren't completely happy with and what is he doing?
Does all the other stuff you listed make up for what you don't have? Which seems really to be peace of mind.

OP you could be writing about my ex, a cliche statement but true nevertheless.

It is a really confusing situation to be in and crucially, I didn't hold my ex responsible for that confusion when I was in it, I rationalised it out, made it ok because of the other qualities I could see in him. I let it go on that way for 3 years, which in hindsight was utterly ridiculous, but perhaps timed well as when I finally gave up I met the person I now live with and he is amazing.

When I look back on those years I don't regret but mostly I think, I knew that something was off and I didn't listen to myself, as much as I should have. It may not be the other woman scenario or some big secret but make no mistake there will be a something, because what you are describing is not healthy relationship behaviour.
I say it's unhealthy because you have addressed this with him and he's not attempted to meet your needs and/or compromise in any way. Why is that? What is he doing during this time of disconnection that is so important he can't compromise for the woman is going to spend his life with, retire etc.
So you are trying to find ways for this relationship to work for you on terms that you aren't completely happy with and what is he doing?
Does all the other stuff you listed make up for what you don't have? Which seems really to be peace of mind.

I'm in a similar situation, although not as invested in a "future" together as you sound. I like texting, it feels like we're chatting on days we're not seeing each other - but we are both busy so there may be hours in between responses (this is fine)...but sometimes I feel like I'm prying when really I'm just making conversation "what're you up to later?" "Did you go out last night?" to me these are normal questions - the kind I'd ask a work colleague let along someone I'm in a relationship with.

His problem is that (he says) in his marriage he felt like he had to account for his every move and when they split up he was determined not to be answerable to anyone. It's hard to get across that that's not what I'm about, the times he does tell me I only respond with "have fun" "did you enjoy it" - like I said, I'm just making conversation! It's bloody annoying tho when I message him of an evening and I get no reply until the next day, turns out he was busy! If I'd known, I wouldn't have bothered him in the first place! it's also difficult to make arrangements to see each other as I'm never sure whether or not he's free.

You've said his previous relationship ended because he was like this, but has he given any insight into why he's like this?

I saw him today and had a long talk about it. He says he does want the sort of relationship where you are very close and speak every day and he admitted he was aware he was doing it, aware I found it hurtful but he said he kept on anyway even though he knew it was destructive.

He said it was easy at first, but that he felt like we got very intimate, very quickly and he is worried if he depends on me I am going to leave him basically.

I don't really know what to do about this, he says he doesn't want to do it but keeps doing it so how do I change this? Patience?

therapy?

Therapy after 2 months???

No. If it's this hard after 2 months, you bin them.

I meant for him...not us...

No love. If he's intent on sabotage, protect yourself first and foremost and get out.

Seriously. It is not meant to be this hard.