Why is dh like this. What to do

[leopardspice]

My dh is usually a nice calm gentle guy. We have been together 10 years and married for 4. I love him and we have a DC together.

In last 12m when we have been at a party or celebration etc and he has gotten drunk (on occasion very very drunk) he has started to say things to me which are offensive and unjustified eg critical of my looks and style and on the last night out he called me a slut. It was out of the blue and there isn't really any context (is it needed?)
I was upset and didn't want to speak to him but still wanted to have a nice night so carried on dancing etc which made him think we were OK and I'd forgiven it. I later made it clear I was still upset and he said I was sending him mixed signals by dancing with him etc.
I argued that why should I sit in the corner upset I wanted to have a good time! Or at least try to. It quickly escalated (he was more drunk by now. I wasn't drunk) and he started to get aggressive in how he was speaking to me (he's very clever he doesn't shout but he speaks in a low aggressive tone when he does this) he then started calling me a joke and a dick and when I started crying he was calling me an 'actor'
How do I handle this and what is next? I've told him I don't need to live with this. I even said to him before we went on the night out to please be nice to me when he's drunk because I knew this would happen.
Will this ever change or is it over?

You're right to get your ducks in a row. One instance of this would be too much for me. While you remain with him, he doesn't see it as a serious problem.

To think it's been going on over 12 months is terrible. You can't respect a man like that.

blow are you waiting for your husband to cross that line and hit you before you call it a day ?

Neither of you need counselling to stay in your abusive relationship. You need to realise this is only going in one direction and get out now before he hurts you physically

anyfucker I love you. You always say it as it is.
You have all been so fantastic. I've been in MN a long time and posted using a not used very often old username for this one. Thank you all so much this is MN at its finest for me.
I know what happened is wrong blow you don't need to deal with this either.
Can you believe the idiot is still sleeping like SERIOUSLY

It's telling isn't it? He doesn't seem to think you're serious at all does he?

I am a bit worried how he will react when the penny drops though leopard - you will be safe won't you?

Cynical me also says he's going to keep acting half heartedly and not making any ACTUAL attempts to save the relationship (just empty promises and carrying on like nothing has happened) and then once you're split up and it's too late, he'll cry to all his friends about how you left him over nothing and he's so heartbroken

Why not make sure that when he wakes up, you and the baby are gone?

Thats uncanny Bertie - my ex did that. I wish I had seen things for what they were sooner...

bertie from what I've seen over the last year I don't think he will really make any efforts just make the right noises until I "get over it" and the cycle continues...
I've gone out now left him asleep will be out for a long time

Beelzebop, you say:

I have a DP who is very similar, and yes I have stayed. It happens when something stressful has happened to him and it comes out as a nasty vent aimed at me when he's drunk. I know this is wrong but I do worry as we are marrying in October. I have made my choice though for legal reasons and must face the consequences in the short term.. Please listen though, he won't stop and I know this.

Nothing on earth would persuade me to marry a man like that. Do you need a visa or something like that?

Personally if I wasn't ready to leave I'd write a script of last night and tell him he's to read it out loud with you each saying your own part.

If he minimises the content or refuses to do it then you get your ducks in a row.

Even if he's heart broken at having to do it when sober, I'd still get my ducks in a row in case it still happens again.

If you're mebtally ready to leave now then good for you

What SandyYTK said "You can't respect a man like that" Dead right. It's the sort of thing that hollows out any feeling you ever had for him. No way would I stay with my DH if he called me a slut once. If you stay you are giving him carte blanche to do this again and again. In drink we say what we think. En vino veritas. In wine is truth. He is saying what he secretly feels. No amount of apologising can put that sort of thing right. His cavalier attitude to you is also a massive red flag. Get out and have a lovely life away from this utter gobshite. You deserve better.

This is exactly how my ex (abusive arse) started. It also coincided with the birth of dc. It escalated. I'm with AF, get out now.

Is there a change in what he is drinking? Some people react very badly to spirits but can be OK on beer? Could he be taking some kind of drug while drinking? I'm not making excuses for him just wondering why he wasn't like this before. He has a drink problem for whatever reason. There is only one choice to make for him. Its either you and the baby or drink. He can choose. He is not a person that cutting back is enough. He needs total sobriety as can't handle drink. What is his dad like?

I have been in similar relationships, except I was the one that became abusive when drunk. I would say and do disgusting things that I would be so ashamed of the next day. I would cry, beg for forgiveness, but sure enough it would happen again.

I dont agree that the truth always comes out when someone is drunk, I would drink to the point of blacking out and the things I said and did were shocking. In my case it was old childhood traumas coming to the surface and me lashing out. I put two partners through absolute hell. Maybe your husband had something bottled up that he needs to deal with? New baby anxiety, loss of freedom etc.

The only way forward is for him to stop drinking completely. Cutting down doesn't work, he had to stop. Since I met new dp and got pregnant I stopped drinking and have never once been abusive. Even when exhausted, hormonal or ill it had never happened. People can change, but he must want to change first. Good luck op

Thanks everyone. He has said he will stop drinking but I've said I need time apart.
He's gone to his mums and and I've asked for low contact
Thanks so much for all your help

Good luck. I suggest an extended period of time apart while he proves he will knock the drinking on the head. Pretty words mean nothing.

Agree with AF - extended time being a minimum of 6m! Give him a chance to prove he actually means he will stop, and actually can.

There isn't any other choice, tbh - if he chooses to drink to excess, knowing that he will say dreadful abusive things to you, then he has insufficient love and respect for you and you should ditch him. (Yes I know I said this before - saying it again for added impact )

Mommawoo - brave post there - glad you've dealt with your demons and the drink as well. Hope things continue to stay good for you now

I'm glad he's given you a bit of space.
You've had some great advice on here.
I hope you get the outcome you want.