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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is dh like this. What to do

68 replies

leopardspice · 21/08/2016 10:20

My dh is usually a nice calm gentle guy. We have been together 10 years and married for 4. I love him and we have a DC together.

In last 12m when we have been at a party or celebration etc and he has gotten drunk (on occasion very very drunk) he has started to say things to me which are offensive and unjustified eg critical of my looks and style and on the last night out he called me a slut. It was out of the blue and there isn't really any context (is it needed?)
I was upset and didn't want to speak to him but still wanted to have a nice night so carried on dancing etc which made him think we were OK and I'd forgiven it. I later made it clear I was still upset and he said I was sending him mixed signals by dancing with him etc.
I argued that why should I sit in the corner upset I wanted to have a good time! Or at least try to. It quickly escalated (he was more drunk by now. I wasn't drunk) and he started to get aggressive in how he was speaking to me (he's very clever he doesn't shout but he speaks in a low aggressive tone when he does this) he then started calling me a joke and a dick Hmm and when I started crying he was calling me an 'actor'
How do I handle this and what is next? I've told him I don't need to live with this. I even said to him before we went on the night out to please be nice to me when he's drunk because I knew this would happen.
Will this ever change or is it over?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/08/2016 11:06

I would simply stop going out with him until he realises the impact of his drunkeness.
You shouldn't have to put up with it.

If he asks why you aren't going out with him then tell him you've had enough of this nonsense.

If he can't hold his drink he should stop drinking. Put a stop to it otherwise it becomes acceptable behaviour in his mind. Drunk or not.

If he's that drunk then let's see if he would remember you hurling a load of abuse his way.

Why exactly would he insult you by calling you a slot?

doji · 21/08/2016 11:07

I'd tell him that verbal abuse (which is what this is) is unacceptable in a relationship and that the next time he swears at you/calls you a name etc that you will be leaving, regardless whether he was drunk or sober. And stick to it.

It may be that this is starting to escalate into an abusive relationship, or that he's just incredibly stressed and unable handle it. Either way, he needs to either understand this behaviour will not be tolerated and take appropriate steps to stop it happening in future (councelling, stopping drinking etc) or he should leave. If it's happened more than once, saying sorry is just not good enough.

Original poster
leopardspice · 21/08/2016 11:09

sandy he has no reason to call me a slut honestly. We were just talking and he just randomly said "well your just a slut really..." Hmm I think he has some deep rooted resentment to me like pp have said and it's coming out when drunk.

OP posts:
wombthereitis · 21/08/2016 11:10

"I didn't mean it" really doesn't cut it. If he is a nice guy (Hmm) he should be absolutely disgusted with himself and be seeking help immediately. His behaviour is abusive and alcohol just allows him to show his true colours and have an excuse for it afterwards.

Original poster
leopardspice · 21/08/2016 11:11

It's become such a regular thing over the last 12m that I even said to him before we went out to try and be nice to me when he's drunk. I probably shouldn't have done that BUT I KNEW this would happen and lo and behold it did.
He was so drunk that he was falling over etc by the end of the night

OP posts:
wombthereitis · 21/08/2016 11:15

If it's a regular thing, then yes, LTB. (You sound as if this is what you want but need reassurance that you're doing the right thing). If it bothered him how much he hurts you with his abusive behaviour, he would have done something about it. He's shown you exactly who he is.

CheesyWeez · 21/08/2016 11:19

He has absolutely crossed a line. He has to stop that. If there's a next time, just leave the party and let him get home by himself while falling-down drunk. I'm sorry OP! Start thinking of getting your things together and working out a plan. A man should not be calling you a slut in ANY circumstances, you know that already but have kindly overlooked it as it was originally out of character. Now it's been several times, so it's the new norm. You asked if it is over, well I think it might be, sorry Flowers

CheesyWeez · 21/08/2016 11:22

I also agree with 12purpleapples
Could he want out, but is not brave enough to say so is pushing you to break up?

category12 · 21/08/2016 11:28

Either he has an alcohol problem or he is an abusive arse. If he's willing to stop drinking, maybe stick around and see what happens. Otherwise I would plan to leave.

hazeimcgee · 21/08/2016 11:29

He needs to not drink when you go out for a start. If he can't be nice when he's had a drink, he shouldn't be drinking. If he isn't prepared to lay off the drink then a) he jas a drinking problem b) he really doesn't give a rats ass about hurting you.

If he's prepared to stop drinking for now i'd say try counselling or at least sitting down together once baby is in bed and talking. If he's not, i don't think i could stay

Original poster
leopardspice · 21/08/2016 11:31

He's not even arsed apart from saying sorry and saying he doesn't want to loose me then he just carries on as normal... I really think that when he sais sorry in his mind I should just be over it

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 21/08/2016 11:33

Saying "try to be nice to me" is a bit heartbreaking, tbh.

Sad

But it doesn't seem to break his heart. Did he give an internal snort when you said that, I wonder?

Mittensonastring · 21/08/2016 11:36

I think men that deep down resent becoming Fathers turn in to massive arseholes after the birth of their first child. I have seen it time and again on MN. They then take their frustration out on the poor Mothers.

I think some of them dislike it so much they actually enjoy punishing the person that actually made them a parent.

This relationship is over unless by some miracle he admits to how resentful he is and you both worked on it but I'm not hopeful.

Beelzebop · 21/08/2016 11:37

Hello leopardspice,
I have a DP who is very similar, and yes I have stayed. It happens when something stressful has happened to him and it comes out as a nasty vent aimed at me when he's drunk. I know this is wrong but I do worry as we are marrying in October. I have made my choice though for legal reasons and must face the consequences in the short term.. Please listen though, he won't stop and I know this. So you need to decide whether you can stand it or not. You have all my best wishes and support xxxxxxxxx

Original poster
leopardspice · 21/08/2016 11:41

Thanks so much everyone. It's been so helpful to hear what you have to say. Your all confirming that I think and feel.
I don't think councilling etc would change anything. He needs to stop drinking but I don't think he would do that.

I'm going to start getting my ducks in a row and ask him to go to his mums. If he refuses then I'll go to mine.

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 21/08/2016 11:44

As a pp poster said, having dc's is like an activation trigger for some abusive men.

In his case, it's very simple. If he values you and his marriage, he won't drink anymore. Not a drop. If he prioritizes alcohol over you, you need to walk away and fast, because sooner or later it will escalate.

RepentAtLeisure · 21/08/2016 11:44

xposted OP, sorry. I think that is a good idea.

PeppaIsMyHero · 21/08/2016 11:56

Good luck LeapardSpice. It does sound as though he has some deep-seated issues which are not caused by you.

If a friend treated you like this you would stop seeing them, so I think you are definitely doing the right thing.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/08/2016 12:08

The 'underlying problem' is that he's an arsehole.

I've been worried about money, as has my DH, and neither of us has resorted to rude name calling and threatening behaviour. There is simply no excuse. He's doing it because in reality, he's a horrible person, and probably the birth of your baby, while wonderful, has made him realise he's tied to the dame person for life - or at least that's my pop psychology reasoning for why this seems to happen once babies are born.

I couldn't stay. His behaviour is unacceptable, and it will escalate. I agree with PP, if he valued your relationship in any way he'd stop drinking completely and leave to give you some space. But he should have done that the first time!

GodImbored · 21/08/2016 12:13

mittens sums it up.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2016 12:16

Hang on a minute, though, OP. I agree he's awful but you say "If he won't go, I'll go to my mum's." If you do, make that just for the night and then pack his things up when he's at work and make him go. He's the one at fault here. If you both have mothers you can stay with then he can do that more easily than you can, as you'll have your child with you.

AnyFucker · 21/08/2016 12:17

Well, he is verbally abusive isn't he ?

Did you imagine you were marrying an abusive drunk on your wedding day ? Is this the kind of example of a relationship you want your dc to model ?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/08/2016 12:21

I don't know whether what he says when he's drunk is what he really thinks, this isn't always the case. I have had 3 friends who became total arseholes when drunk - one man, 2 women.
The man became very physically aggressive, looking-for-a-fight style drunk - he pretty much gave up drinking alcohol aged 21 because he didn't like who he was when drunk.
The 2 women became verbally aggressive, one more than the other; I don't know what happened to the more aggressive one but the other one went on to realise she was bordering on alcoholism and has cut right back. She no longer drinks to the point of arseholiness.

The problem here is not so much that your H spouts shit at you - it's the fact that he KNOWS he does this when he's drunk. and he STILL CHOOSES TO GET DRUNK.

This shows a total lack of respect and care for you. If he was TRULY sorry, he'd stop drinking to get drunk, because he knows that he becomes an abusive arsehole to you when he's drunk. He doesn't stop - he does it again and again - and that means, regardless of whether or not he truly believes the shit he's saying, he doesn't care that he's hurting you.

For this reason, I would indeed say LTB.

blowmybarnacles · 21/08/2016 12:25

My DP does this when he is very drunk. He has ruined family events because he needs a drink to be sociable and then I get the abuse. Family wedding abroad, and I was pregnant - was vile. Totally appalled at his behaviour next morning, friend's wedding, same thing, my own brother's wedding - same thing. Family party, we were coming back and he started making abusive comments about both my brothers. He is always repentant. (He couldn't work out why he was horrible about my brothers, who he says are lovely)

He gave up drinking for a while to try and deal with it.

When I had another family event coming up and told him he could not get drunk and abusive and ruin it for me. It was always my family things!!) He was appalled at how serious I was about it and realised he couldn't. He didn't that night. I am often on edge though and worry about if he will go back to being 'that drunk'.

He did. The most recent time was at a school event two years ago, drank too much to relax and be able to talk to people. He took a dislike to somebody we were with, muttering sarky comments, embarrassing himself. I defended the guy when we got home (his only fault was not knowing answer to questions at a quiz as he was not British and didn't know the answers) and he was ballistic and made as if to hit me but didn't. Has very contrite the next morning.

He does still drink, just very little, a couple of glasses of wine at home. Its still there though, rumbling below the surface. He know he needs counselling as I do as we are both unhappy. He has some deep seated issues which alcohol unleashes. I am a happy drunk, he is a horrible one.

His mum was an alcoholic and his sister is heading that way. My dad was an abusive drunk too. Pattern here huh Sad

I think counselling would help him OP, and you, him to work out what his anger is and you for why you are with him (I know I need to take my own advice Sad.)

Original poster
leopardspice · 21/08/2016 12:41

anyfucker absolutely not and that's a driving factor here. My parents had a very argumentative relationship and I never ever want dc to experience this. It's awful.

imperialbleather your right he can go to his mums.

While I've been away I've spoken to him and said that I can't go on like this and I think our relationship is over. He's said he doesn't want it to be over and wants us to k3ep at it. I've said to him that this episode has happened before. I told him then it was unacceptable. How many more times would it be OK for this to happen before I call it a day? Once twice more? I said to him that it shouldn't ever happen at all. I've had to deal with this a number of times over the last year and I've had enough now.

He's said that he "won't get drunk" on nights out etc but I don't believe it. He said that he loves me and doesn't want to loose me and the baby Hmm he said that he doesn't have any deep rooted issues with me...and can't explain why this happens when he is drunk
I don't believe he will reduce or stop his alcohol he enjoys it too much.
I don't think he's taking me seriously. I told him I have had enough and will be looking into my options tomorrow.
He's currently sleeping on the couch wtf

OP posts: