Family financial problems

[Addictedtocustardcreams]

My FIL has recently died. Since his death we have discovered my in-laws financial state is even worse than we thought, and my MIL is now left with a large amount of debt plus a recent remortgage on their house which she cannot actually afford the repayments for. My DH has therefore decided we are going to give her some money every month to subsidise her. We have young children & live in a moderate sized 3 bed terrace. My MIL lives alone in a 5 bed detached house (same region of the country so similar housing market). We were planning to move to a larger place but this is now on hold. I am really angry about the whole thing & don't really know how to handle it. I have always been very careful with money & when I met my DH helped him sort himself out from slight financial fuck up to more organised money in savings etc.
I have already explained my feelings to DH. He understands but feels he can't leave his mum in the lurch. She has no plans to move & is just going to take the subsidy & continue as she is. I don't really think anyone can help but I can't sleep tonight thinking about it all & can't keep going over it with DH as it just causes arguments.

"Early 60's" - wow - your poor family could be subsidising your MIL for the next 30 years ! I think Cary2012's idea of seeing an IFA is good - removes you one step from proceedings. Perhaps the tack of not being against help in principle but that downsizing would be the sustainable way in the long term is one you could voice without causing a family rift!

I know you feel you are financially comfortable atm (although would like to trade up houses) - but you have no idea what might happen in the future or what funds you may need for your own children. I can't fathom why at such a young age (not much older than me) that your MIL would be willing to have subsidies from her children. Good luck x

I'm guessing that she couldn't sell until the probate is sorted out. I think that then she needs to downsize, to free up some capital (if any after debts are sorted) and severely reduce her expenses by cutting out the cleaner, gardener and shopping sprees.

Sorry I haven't read all or the replys but she needs to sell up and move to something smaller! She's on her own and living in a 5 bed house! I wouldn't be agreeing to help with anything ...

How can she justify debt and yet have a gardener etc?

Are you in London or the South East?

If so, is it possible your DD and SIL are thinking if they keep the 5 bed going, long term from an inheritance point of view that they will be better off?

If they both go in the mortgage and become 1/4 owners each, it might not be a bad idea? There could potentially be issues with Inheritence Tax, the house could be sold if MIL needs care etc but it could make you all better off long term....I would suggest a full and frank discussion with your DH and look at short/medium/long term options and issues and decide jointly what you can/can't put up with. Then discuss with SIL and come to an agreement to two you can live with and you then present to MIL?

custardcreams

Was not surprised to read any of that; her dysfunction does stem from her own childhood.

I do not think there are many IFAs around these days; many of these people are tied in to selling a set company's products. I also doubt very much that she would willingly sit in front of such a person with you people anyway. It all strikes me that she has and will continue to live well beyond her means. Bailing her out as your H is planning to do is only postponing the inevitible financial collapse.

Worst case scenario is that you sacrifice your future larger house and financial security while she sits in her big house spending your money on crap then sells the big house to pay for care home fees/world cruise/second husband and you get nothing back from your financial investment but a whole lotta grief.

Could ye search out a small two bedroom apartment in a nice secure building and sell the idea to her as a much safer place to live. Obviously this won't happen immediately as her dh just died but she might be happier there instead of rattling around in a big old house. She probably does not have the energy or motivation to look or decide herself so finding one that's suitable and getting her to see the benefits. She might even have cash for herself to shop.
You are right to be upset. Its not a fair ask. As suggested say to dh that it's a very temporary solution to give her a chance to grieve.
Is there things your dh could forgo eg golf club to raise the cash so a big of pain on his side might sharpen his mind.