Family financial problems

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My FIL has recently died. Since his death we have discovered my in-laws financial state is even worse than we thought, and my MIL is now left with a large amount of debt plus a recent remortgage on their house which she cannot actually afford the repayments for. My DH has therefore decided we are going to give her some money every month to subsidise her. We have young children & live in a moderate sized 3 bed terrace. My MIL lives alone in a 5 bed detached house (same region of the country so similar housing market). We were planning to move to a larger place but this is now on hold. I am really angry about the whole thing & don't really know how to handle it. I have always been very careful with money & when I met my DH helped him sort himself out from slight financial fuck up to more organised money in savings etc.
I have already explained my feelings to DH. He understands but feels he can't leave his mum in the lurch. She has no plans to move & is just going to take the subsidy & continue as she is. I don't really think anyone can help but I can't sleep tonight thinking about it all & can't keep going over it with DH as it just causes arguments.

I would never agree to this because its just robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Your DH has taken it upon himself to enable his mother by doing this and that is selfish of him. Enabling basically gives the person doing this a false sense of control but it does not help either him or his mother for that matter. People like your DH and his mother will need to face facts; his mother will have to move to a smaller property and start living within her means rather than beyond them.

It sounds like his parents have been living beyond their means their entire lives. That pattern is going to continue if your DH gives her money. Your DH is not and has never been responsible for their decisions made as adults.

What does the sister's partner make of it all? Would it be worth having a family conference for everyone to express their views?

As the situation would be ongoing it is a big commitment to take on, also what happens when MIL wants new carpets, needs roof fixed etc? Does she have a will? Could you make the financial help "loans" and arrange a charge on her estate (so you and SIL are repaid when she dies?). Will it eat away at you when/if she fritters the money away? Still can't manage?

My SIL is single, no children.
Agree about the enabling.
I don't know how to maintain a decent relationship with her if this all goes ahead. She brought soft toys for the kids yesterday. We have hundreds already, we have previously said please don't buy anymore soft toys. I will want to say please stop spending our money on things for our children we neither want or need.

Be wary of any suggestion that you will get the money back from her estate in the end. As it stands your mothers assets would be used to fund care home fees down until there is only £23k left.

Any charge against the property should be tied up legally by someone with experience in this field. Otherwise it could be viewed as deprivation of assets.

Could this be a way of getting to a compromise with your DH? He helps but with conditions attached.

TBH I do not think you have anywhere near a healthy relationship with his MIL. She has heard what you both said about the soft toys and yet persists in buying them because its about what she wants. Your opinions do not matter to her. What do you do with all these things she buys; do you take them to the charity shop?

Have you posted about this before op? I seem to remember pretty much exactly this scenario a while ago?

Your dh needs to be reminded his vows were to you and your marriage should come before loyalty to his parents. Awful his df has died but enabling his dm to still be lady of the manor is madness.

No, no, no. I don't know what you can really do to stop him, but my husband would do this over my cold, dead body

Have posted about issues with my MIL before as longstanding tricky relationship but never about finances.
I do a mix with the stuff she buys us. Some stuff I sell on eBay if stuff DD will never wear, some makes its way to the charity shop.

There is no way I would tolerate this. It's no good blaming MIL - you have a DH problem.

The problem will be if he is adamant about going ahead and doesn't consider your views especially as his sister seems to agree with him (does she?)

How will she afford the up keep? How does she manage the cleaning etc?

I also think she needs to sell and look at something smaller - she's have loads more income for soft toys

I would think your longstanding tricky relationship with MIL has happened precisely and simply because his mother is a difficult person to deal with. I will ask you two questions re his mother; one do you know anything about her own childhood (this often gives clues re familial dysfunction) and two does she have any friends or social life to speak of?

Your DH is obligated to his mother and probably also still seeks her approval as an adult hence this giving of cash. Its not going to help anyone in the long run, least of all him. Your DHs inertia as well when it comes to his mother also hurts him as well as you.

Like others here, I would be insisting she downsized house. It is not fair on your family to have to subsidise her choices while she lives in an enormous house. I would have some sympathy if she is very old and frail though but it doesn't sound like that is the case.
She must live by the consequences of her (and FILs) financial mismanagement. I would agree to support her while the process was going on but she needs to live somewhere she can afford.

I'd be telling him if he wants to pay for it, then he can go and live there.

No, this can't happen. She won't change her spending habits and what's worse is that It'll be your money she spends.

Your Dh cannot make huge financial decisions like this on his own. Mil needs to grow up, I'd be humiliated to rely on a child propping me up.

Care home fees can be £1500 a Week now, in a few years it'll be even more.

There was a very similar situation on here a year ago or so.

Why has your DH decided? Surely as a family you both should get to decide what happens that your money.

As much as it pains me if I was you and he did actually go ahead I would be breaking up with him because I would not be able to handle it. My DH has a sister who is shit with money my fear one fear is he may want to bail her out at some point.

I think it's a really hard call for the OP. Her Dh and Sil want their mother's approval and to be "good children" (and it some ways it is really admirable they want to help their mum) but the OP can see the situation more clearly - that the MIL is a dysfunctional spender and that the money will be frittered away and that the siblings are actually enabling their mother's dysfunction. There is no clear answer of what is right.

I'd either suggest swapping houses or else she needs to sell her house and downsize to a more reasonable place to live.

Before you agree to anything, it might be worth an appointment with an IFA, to look at all the debts, mortgage etc. I say this because it does sound vague, and you need to know everything so there are no surprises further down the line. Your MIL, DH and his DS could meet with them and go through all the possible solutions, including MIL selling up and down sizing.

I knew I would be told I have a DH problem! I agree I do but I can also see why he is acting as he is. His dad is gone, he sees his mum in need, he wants to sort it. I think troglidite has it right.
He doesn't normally behave like this over money. We usually discuss it & plan together. Although I am upset I don't think that I would consider leaving him & breaking up our family over this.
I was sort of wondering if I might get some posts saying I was being harsh as DH clearly thinks I am. I am quite relieved to know my point of view wouldn't generally be considered unfair to outsiders.
We can't house swop. Hers is in the wrong direction from my work & not near any decent schools which we will be needing soon.
Thank you cary I think the IFA might be a good option.

Also to answe atillathemeercat's questions.
Yes she has friends but none locally to where she lives. They are scattered around the country. On a day to day basis she doesn't have a social life or do much apart from watch TV (she employs cleaner & gardener). She is in her early 60s & health is ok-has had some problems but nothing which should stop her from doing normal day to day activities.
There are issues from her own childhood & when my DH & SIL were small. These are quite specific so wouldn't want to share details but I do see where some of difficult nature arises from.

An IFA would be able to advise with the added benefit of adding detachment into the mix, the emotional side would be diluted (if you get what I mean). I imagine everyone is still emotionally raw from grief, which isn't a great place to be in when you have to deal with practical stuff. It would also diffuse resentment over which ever option is best from other family members and MIL would realise that this is something that is impacting her children's finances too.

I totally understand how you are feeling, you have your own future plans.

If your FIL has only recently, died, I'd say that I'd help her out for six months, until Christmas is over. That's the best time to sell property anyway. After six months, the house goes up for sale.