Marraige and doubts

[Pinkmoon1]

Hi all,

I'm due to marry my DF in 2 months and I am plagued with doubts.

We are together 8 and a half years, I am 31 and he is 28.We have had an amazing time up until this year.

We were renting for 2 and a half years 2 years ago and then moved back home to our parents houses to live separately so we could save for a house. I was home 1 week and we got the horrendous news that my close cousin had committed sucide at the age of 23. Loosing her killed me, however 3 months later he proposed to me and then 4 months later we got the keys to our house. I remember the morning we got the keys, I had a horrible gut feeling in my tummy, like my heart sank. It went away after a day so I put it down to nerves about the new house.

We booked the wedding quite quick and fast foward to now, it is looming! I think it all happened a bit too quick.

I feel since the end of last year, we have got lazy in our relationship, we don't do much together, don't treat eachother and our sex life could be better, I think I have a higher drive than he does. He is stressed in his job and can be cranky. He used to be full of life and very affectionate. Back in January, I realised I had feelings for a friend in work.
It really freaked me out and this is when the doubts started about my DF.
Back then, i told my DF that I was feeling a little weird about the wedding and felt that we were in a rut, I really broke down. We said we would work on it and to be honest, we didn't,we brushed it under the carpet, something I really regret. I got sick in March and he really took care of me.

The doubts are back, but I know why.
The feelings for the OM have been in the background of my head since January but I learned to hide them and put them out of my head, although still being friends with the guy.

On a night out recently, he confided in a mutual friend that he had feelings for me. My friend, who knows I had feelings for him, decided not to tell me. However, as he had drank quite a bit that night, he told me he loved me. I laughed it off as he can be a funny guy but then went into the Ladies and cried my eyes out. I just felt really stupid as I thought he's just drunk and I was annoyed it affected me as I thought I was over it but I never was.

My friend did eventually tell me what he had said to her earlier on in the night. It totally shocked me to think that I wasn't imagining this 'connection' I felt with this guy. He is constantly on my mind but nothing can happen. He has a GF and I'm getting married in 2 months.

We spoke after that night and he said sorry for what he said and he shouldn't have said it and that he shouldn't be liking someone else. We laughed it off.I apologised for getting upset and told him I liked him a little more than I should and it was all ridiculous.

The doubts this time around have been awful, I'm constantly crying and talking things through with my DF and a few true friends and family.

The wedding is up in the air. My DF is a great guy, on paper we are perfect. I'm just terrifed we have become friends rather than lovers. I feel so so guilty for having feelings for someone else and causing all this hurt with my doubts.

Any advice would be amazing!
I have started councilling and we are going to go together this week. I wanna fight for us but I'm terrifed this can't be fixed.

Thanks guys.

I have had that chat with him several times, hoping he will agree to postpone but he feels he cannot do that, I do understand why. He is hurt and wants me to 'see sense' and come around.

The guilt I feel is unreal!

You are inspiring to me and again I am so glad to have found out that there is someone out there in the exact same position. I will remember those words, in the grand scheme of things, there is a lot worse things that can happen. I guess it's the mystery of it all, what will happen to me without him, will I get out of this alive!?!

I am stronger than I think and just have to be brave!
It's the conflicting feelings that are the worst, I just wish I knew one way or another what I want but I guess I'm learning that life is not always that simple.

Please feel free to pm if you ever want to rant Anna!!
You have helped me more than you'll ever know.

I'm just heading to bed in our lovely little house that we share together, it might be the last time we both go to bed together as a couple. My nerves are shot but have to make this decision.

Really, there is no rule in life saying you have to marry.

Too many people buy into the fairy tale of living happily ever after

It's what keeps divorce lawyers in business.

Take a step back and go for what you really want in life. Better now than after saying "I do".

When I got divorced, after a couple of years of a bad marriage, several friends said "Oh I so wanted to say don't marry him". I had hideous doubts and if one of them had said something I would have confided my doubts and possibly called it quits.
Cancelling a wedding is awfully public. So is a divorce!

Pinkmoon, you know in your heart that marrying this man would be a mistake. Because he wants you to 'see sense' he naturally, is trying to talk you round.

He won' t postpone, possibly for two reasons. The first being he is giving you an ultimatum to shock you into the thought of losing him. The second because he genuinely can't live with your indecision, it's painful and he realises there's a limit to how much he can take.

I said it before, but a young couple going into marriage should not require counselling. These weeks should be happy.

You don't want to hurt him, of course you don't, but love you are already hurting him. He must feel very vulnerable and sad, knowing you don't feel as he does, that the few weeks left aren't a whirl of excitement and plans, just uncertainty and panic. But you know what, that's ok. Because you are only human, you make mistakes, we all do.

You owe it to him to tell him. He might think he has enough love for the both of you but it doesn't work that way.

Tell him. There is no easy way out, it's horrible, but do it.

When you say you don't want to lose him altogether, you have to accept that you probably will. That's the price you pay. There is always, always a price. Isn't it worth it though? To know you did the right thing, so you both find future happiness with partners who feel the same?

You can't 'have it all' love. So stop trying to. You can't postpone, go on as you are. You can't split up, still see each other, be friends like nothing has happened. You can't prevent the hurt of the next few months, but that's ok too, because you accept it, you get through it, you survive it, you come out of it stronger. That, I think, is what is holding you back. Fear at hurting him, fear of losing him for good, fear for an uncertain future. Well, you know what they say, 'there is nothing to fear. but fear itself'.

Make your decision, and make it soon, and stick to it. Marry him, but only if you love him totally, not because you aren't brave enough to finish it. Or indeed finish it with compassion, but determination.
If you are marrying him to avoid hurting him, you face a huge life lesson, because I guarantee one day you will hurt him far, far more.

Good luck.

I have to agree with Cary, excellent post.

I'm sorry if this is going to sound a little blunt, but you have to cancel and you have to cancel now. It is two months away - logistically, you need to cancel things, pay off any suppliers, make sure everyone you've invited knows so they can cancel hotels if they've booked, stop people buying wedding presents. There is a lot to be done.

Secondly, it is only fair to your fiance. This isn't something that has crept up on you in the last week or two. It's been going on since the start of the year. Eight months. I can see why he is asking for total commitment or nothing - postponement leaves him in a horrible limbo. He deserves not to have it drawn out any longer, he sounds a decent guy. Be fair to him as well as yourself.