Marraige and doubts

[Pinkmoon1]

Hi all,

I'm due to marry my DF in 2 months and I am plagued with doubts.

We are together 8 and a half years, I am 31 and he is 28.We have had an amazing time up until this year.

We were renting for 2 and a half years 2 years ago and then moved back home to our parents houses to live separately so we could save for a house. I was home 1 week and we got the horrendous news that my close cousin had committed sucide at the age of 23. Loosing her killed me, however 3 months later he proposed to me and then 4 months later we got the keys to our house. I remember the morning we got the keys, I had a horrible gut feeling in my tummy, like my heart sank. It went away after a day so I put it down to nerves about the new house.

We booked the wedding quite quick and fast foward to now, it is looming! I think it all happened a bit too quick.

I feel since the end of last year, we have got lazy in our relationship, we don't do much together, don't treat eachother and our sex life could be better, I think I have a higher drive than he does. He is stressed in his job and can be cranky. He used to be full of life and very affectionate. Back in January, I realised I had feelings for a friend in work.
It really freaked me out and this is when the doubts started about my DF.
Back then, i told my DF that I was feeling a little weird about the wedding and felt that we were in a rut, I really broke down. We said we would work on it and to be honest, we didn't,we brushed it under the carpet, something I really regret. I got sick in March and he really took care of me.

The doubts are back, but I know why.
The feelings for the OM have been in the background of my head since January but I learned to hide them and put them out of my head, although still being friends with the guy.

On a night out recently, he confided in a mutual friend that he had feelings for me. My friend, who knows I had feelings for him, decided not to tell me. However, as he had drank quite a bit that night, he told me he loved me. I laughed it off as he can be a funny guy but then went into the Ladies and cried my eyes out. I just felt really stupid as I thought he's just drunk and I was annoyed it affected me as I thought I was over it but I never was.

My friend did eventually tell me what he had said to her earlier on in the night. It totally shocked me to think that I wasn't imagining this 'connection' I felt with this guy. He is constantly on my mind but nothing can happen. He has a GF and I'm getting married in 2 months.

We spoke after that night and he said sorry for what he said and he shouldn't have said it and that he shouldn't be liking someone else. We laughed it off.I apologised for getting upset and told him I liked him a little more than I should and it was all ridiculous.

The doubts this time around have been awful, I'm constantly crying and talking things through with my DF and a few true friends and family.

The wedding is up in the air. My DF is a great guy, on paper we are perfect. I'm just terrifed we have become friends rather than lovers. I feel so so guilty for having feelings for someone else and causing all this hurt with my doubts.

Any advice would be amazing!
I have started councilling and we are going to go together this week. I wanna fight for us but I'm terrifed this can't be fixed.

Thanks guys.

It is that simple yet it feels so complicated.
I will be so devastated without him but he deserves better than me.

Gingerbread- thank you for your kind words. I do think I have not delat with that lost and this may have affected things.

How do you imagine life without him? Can you imagine only ever being with him til you're okd and grey? Only you really know whether you still love him like that, wether it needs time and attention or if its over.

I imagine life without him being very hard. 8.5 years is a long time and this year is the only time we've gone through a bad patch. I think life with him would be happy, but the doubts just won't go away.
Recent events have of course made me question if he is definitely the one for me. I have a lot of thinking to do.

This was me 7 years ago.

I left my fiancé 9 weeks before the wedding because every time I thought about saying my vows it made me feel physically sick and I couldn't imagine doing it because I knew I wouldn't mean it. We had been together years- since we were kids. Had a house and cats.

I went on to marry the friend from work who I had feelings for. I didn't know it at the time but the feelings were reciprocated.

It was a shit storm for about six months. Then no one cared and the house was sold and we all got on with our lives.

Best decision I ever made. I thank God every day I am not divorced from my first husband because that's what I would be now.

If you have doubts this strong do not get married at the moment. At the very least postpone it.

Thanks FellOutOfBed2wice for sharing your story. I've not talked to anyone who has been in the same situation before. I'm glad it all worked out for you in the end and I hope you and your ex ended on good terms.

Cancelling a weeding seems like the most public break up in the world! We have a house and one cat. I fear this was my chance to have it all and I'm going to end up a cat lady now. All jokes aside, it will be very hard but I think I know what I have to do.

Sorry about your cousin Pinkmoon, I think you definitely need time to grieve and process your sad loss.

Your DF sounds like a lovely guy, but I don't think he's your lovely guy.

Marriage is hard, even with total love and no doubts. Two months pre-wedding should be a busy, but very exciting time. I married end of summer and I spent the weeks before wishing the weeks away, I was so excited. It was a bit like when you are a kid on Christmas Eve.You sound scared to hurt this man, you're a kind person. The kindest thing you can do, for both of you, is tell him.

Couples shouldn't need counselling prior to marriage, especially with no kids involved.

Your DF is half expecting this, hence his comment in the hotel. Be honest, you both have loads of time to find the right people.

You can't build a future on rocky foundations, you just can't. Do it, and forgive yourself. I think you feel you have a duty to not hurt him, but I think if you do marry him, you'll hurt him even more eventually.

Good luck

Thanks Cary2012 for your lovely post.

He really is a lovely guy, he doesn't deserve this but on the other side, he deserves a life with someone who is 100% about him. Still can't believe I'm not, really wish I didn't feel like this. He's asleep beside me now looking so cute and peaceful. This will destroy him and also me, I cry at the thoughts of not being with him everyday. Loosing that relationship with him, he is my rock in my life. But I have to be fair to him I know.

I know I sound conflicted but it is because I do love the guy. He thinks love is enough but I am learning that it isn't always and life is not always that simple. People will be so shocked if we break up. We will have to sell the house and I will have to go live with my parents again, at 31. It will be so hard to do. Start over again. :( not sure if I am brave enough to.

Sweetheart, it's much easier to start over at 31 with no kids, than at 40 or 50 with a couple of growing children.

Which may well be the outcome if you go ahead with this.

You know you're doing the right thing. Why do you have to go back to your parents? Will you not get enough of a deposit for a new place, from the sale of your house?

I'm not sure what we would get with sale of house etc, haven't been even able to think that far yet.

Basil is absolutely right OP. It will be hard to do this. But I really don't want you posting here, in a year or two's time saying you are unhappily married but can't leave because you have a new baby to consider.

Yes he, your family, his family, you, will be hurt. But if you do it soon, the recovery will begin, giving you both more time to start again. From a practical viewpoint, you can hopefully get back some of the wedding costs, and not fork out any more.

Is moving back home the only option? Could you take on the house with a lodger? Or could he, and buy you out? Could you flat share with a friend? Or rent a room in a shared house? Not ideal, but I think that would be better than going home, which might be a backward step when you need to move forward.

31 is young! You will find happiness, and so will he. I bet in five years time, you'll BOTH look back and be grateful for your strength and honesty.

I understand how hard it is too leave someone who is a good person, loves you, deserves to be happy and who everyone thinks is perfect for you. My ex was like this, absolutely lovely, adored me, full of life, would have been a great husband and dad, handsome, good job, etc., and everyone liked him. But I just didn't love him enough. Leaving him was incredibly hard and we both suffered terribly, but ultimately it was the right thing to do - we both got on with our lives, and when I look back I am so glad I did not stay with him, I'd have spent years trying to keep under control my desire to be with someone else or just to be free of him, before splitting up anyway. My parents are glad I did not stay with the wrong man, even though they were sad when we split.
You sound unhappy in your relationship and as pp have said, you should not be needing to fight for your relationship at this early stage, it should all come easier. Do what seems hard now and call off the wedding - it will be the easy option in the long run, which will make everyone happier.

Definitely don't go ahead with the wedding. Think of lady Diana...your face is on the tea towels comment.

And Poor Pizza...and your dad telling you to get on with it.

I vowed I would never remarry after my first marriage ended badly. Then I met dh and we married last year. Not once did I feel I should not marry him.
We've had a tough year, health wise...but we are a team and we pull together.

Postpone the wedding...doesn't mean you don't stay together. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water .
Your tragic loss has affected you more than you realise and is making you question everything, from the shock of what she did to the very sad loss of her in your life.

I don't know how many times my dil has postponed her wedding. Was supposed to be next month...ill be surprised if it ever happens.

She has ocd..events like this make her nervous but with 3 kids together they are rock solid.

Another friend has been unmarried for over 30 years with her guy. She has no intention of marrying.

I wanted to marry as we are in our 60 s and if ill health struck I felt happier saying my husband rather than my partner.

Well 3 months after the wedding I was in that exact position turning up at hospital to visit my husband.

Daft I know.

I also suggest you go to cruse for some help with your bereavement.

Thanks for your advice.

Still all over the place but I hope I can end this torture of 'will we go ahead or not' and have some balls and face the issues I have.

The very best of luck. Be brave.

Only just seen your reply op. We actually didn't end terribly and occasionally text or tweet one another now with the odd pic of our respective kids or the cats (I got custody of them!)

If you want to pm me for anything, please feel free. Cancelling a wedding is embarrassing but not as embarrassing as a divorce.

A good friend of mine called off her wedding with 2 months to go earlier this year, very quietly, just called, text, emailed each person individually. We all respect her immensely for knowing what was right for her and not feeling committed to a course of action because it was expected. He was a perfectly nice guy, just not the right fit for her, and as the wedding got closer she realised the life with him wasn't the one she wanted. She wanted the same life, house, location, kids etc, but just with someone different. She was very up and down the first month, but she's so much happier now single and looking for her right partner than she feels she would be married now and fine but not content. Just because he's a good guy doesn't mean he's the right guy for you, and having such strong doubts before your wedding isn't usual.

Pink - this is me, just cancelled my wedding with just over four weeks to go to lovely long term partner. I'm also early 30's, mortgage and have no bad things really to say about FI - just that I didn't feel right and started to panic a lot and no excitement about wedding.

It was horrible but I had to at least postpone the wedding - I couldn't have done that to him - or myself - to be stood there lying about how I felt - it was horrible and still is but people move on very quickly and it's all yesterday's news to them.

It's not easy for me and we haven't split up but he knows my feelings and concerns and he is happy for me to seek counselling for now to address my concerns - no OM in the picture for me - I just started to dread getting married which seems silly after being together for so long but perhaps the finality of it all is what made me consider if this was what I wanted for my life.

I don't even know what's lacking as he is lovely and I feel like I'm just panicking about this being 'it' forever and the fear I'm missing out on something.

Horrible situation but postponing the wedding will take a lot of pressure off you and doesn't necessarily mean the end - but you need time to figure it out and you need to be selfish and think of yourself for a while

Been there and got the t-shirt.
I was swept along as well.
I knew at the time of his proposal that I didn't want to marry him.
I just kept it going to keep everyone else happy.
Church booked and reception booked.
I loved him too. He was my first love but, like you say, I just wasn't 'in' love with him anymore.
It was horrendous but I called off the wedding.
Tears and tantrums from just about everyone.
He was like a son to my mum and dad.. blah blah..
I won't lie. It was horrible.

My family were really upset and didn't really speak to me much.
For a few months I pretty much had to cope with it all on my own.
But I got through it.
And my family all came round and realised I needed support too.
And I'm so glad I didn't go through with it.
I knew that in a few years I would have been divorced.
It was the best decision I ever made.
We too had just bought a house together.

Call it off. You know you need to.
It's ridiculously hard to do but you can do it.

Thanks all for the real stories! They have helped/ terrified me.

It's the hardest thing ever to deal with, I would love to postpone but he is simply against that, it's black or white and I'm in the grey area.

I'm not one to care too much what people think but I'm worried of all the scandal/ gossip that it will bring about.

In relation to the other guy, nothing will happen there and that isn't something I'm pursuing. It's the very fact I had have feelings for him for 9 months is bothering me, was hoping it was just a stupid crush that would go away. Im sure it will. Right now, my partner is the only one on my mind now as I can't believe it's looking likely we are not going to be together. We have a councilling session tomorrow so want to see how that goes.

By giving you that ultimatum and not allowing you time to explore your feelings, your FI is making it very hard for you.

You don't want to feel you've been cornered into going ahead - imagine how you'll feel starting marriage feeling like this.

I truly know how horrible it is - I'm only a few weeks further along the road that you're on and thankfully my FI doesn't want me to marry him while I have any doubts.

Don't worry about what people think - they will forget and move on a lot sooner than you think. I have felt embarrassed and mortified (and still do at times) but this is your life, not theirs.

When I was debating what to do and feeling increasingly under pressure my friend asked me how I'd feel if I could just halt everything and instantly I felt better - actually cancelling felt horrendous but there was an element of relief also.

I sometimes still think I should have just went ahead but my counsellor told me it was brave to take this path and if it was right, then it will still be right in 6-12 months.

Good luck and be kind to yourself

Anna thanks so much! You have no idea how hearing your story has helped as I have felt like I was going crazy with the doubts!!

He has said I need to be 100% so if I'm not, we will not be getting married.
I've felt like this for a month now and I think he is shocked I haven't come round to realising this is just jitters or cold feet.

It's so conflicting, not ready to loose him altogether.

Thanks again for all the advice

I'm also relieved to hear someone else feels this way - I don't know anyone who cancelled a wedding and I also don't know anyone who cancelled for no good reason (I keep thinking why wouldn't I marry him when he's lovely/safe/kind) but I couldn't help it - the inner turmoil is so so painful and the constant thinking and rethinking the same thoughts and scenarios over and over is awful. I'm only just coming out of the centre of the shitstorm now but still nowhere near out the other side and as I said, still not managed to identify if my anxiousness was my gut instinct or just horrible jitters/cold feet.

One thing I do know is that I would have struggled on the day big time. And in the end that was what I based my decision on. I didn't want that for myself. To feel like that and have to pretend otherwise.

I like my life with him but I feel like I'm possibly settling for what I've known for 8 years and because nothing is bad, it makes it harder. But things aren't right and they're maybe not major things compared to some bad partners but they're enough to scare me and cause me to doubt things for the first time and in a major way.

I'm working on figuring it all out - I see I have two roads - the first was to get married and the second, less certain road, is the one I am on now. I hope it all turns out ok. Either way, if I had went ahead I think I'd be in a worse way than I am now and hope that you find your way to making a decision that you are comfortable with and that you are able to think of yourself and your own needs

Anna, every word you describe is me!!!literally cried reading this.
I'm so happy for you that you were so brave and that your partner stood by you!

Certainly him standing by me allieviated some of the pressure but I truly believe your FI will do the same if it comes to that - despite what he says now.

In a way, it might be easier if he did end things as then I wouldn't have the decision to make as to our future.

I ask myself often why I can't be normal like all the other brides and just be happy. But I'm not. That's just me and my situation and whatever way the dice fall, I'll need to accept and move on with my life and whatever path that is.

Id rather be sat here unsure and still trying to figure things out - and having the freedom to work on myself and what I want - than sat here inching ever closer to my wedding day feeling this conflicted - or worse being married and feeling like it was the wrong thing to do and having to deal with that and pretend I was happy about it.

I feel for us both and for our other halves - this is painful but there are worse things happening - one of my suppliers was so lovely and told me I was so brave and that so many others would just plod on for fear of upsetting the apple cart. She reminded me that I had my health and so did he and in the grand scheme of life and the challenges we face, this one was manageable and not the end of the world. I remind myself of her words often and hope you can too