Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to resent my DH's 'black sheep' status?

69 replies

Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 19/08/2016 22:29

When we met, he was all about how into his brother and sister and mum and dad he is, and I thought "aw, what a family man!" and this was one of the aspects that I really liked about him.

Then as our relationship progressed and got more solid, it turns out he actually doesn't like anyone in his family at all. He's only confessed this 2 years after we we got married...I'm very close to his sister and we message on a daily basis...something he resents and makes sarky comments about, like "glad she can care about you when she doesn't give a fuck about me." Hmm

Thing is, I actually feel like most of this is in his head. I've gotten to know his family, and though they are different in terms of lifestyle/political views/religious stance etc., I don't actually believe they have a problem with him like he believes they do. They HAVE had a few falling outs, but in my opinion, most of this is his skewed view of the situation, his instigation, and their inevitable reaction to it. (Sorry for the vagueness, but trying to not be too detailed.)

I find it incredibly tedious. I just want a lovely, family-bubble to mutually dote on each other's kids and exchange pleasantries and have a nice time together, and I feel awkward being torn between liking them and supporting his, what I feel, are delusions.

If I side with his sister for instance, then I am in the wrong and non-supportive. But most of the conflict has come from him, and I find it embarrassing to be honest.

I should also say is that everyone on my side of the family is gone, either passed away or immigrated. And he and I get along fabulously when he's not hung up on his family deluded problems.

Any advice on how I can reassure him or bridge this gap? Is it a LTB situation? I don't feel it is but it's a massive thorn in my side, none the less.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 28/08/2016 20:53

I actually hid this thread (NC fail Blush and I felt like I was unnecessarily harsh on him after our argument) but it's such an on-going issue I need more advice...

I really don't know where to start...I really want to give more details on the dynamic of his relationship with other family members but fear it would out me. He has asked me tonight to talk to his sister on his behalf which I'm prepared to do but I don't know if it's the best course of action...

I need to gently tell him I think he needs therapy, but how? I don't wan't him to think I think he's the one with the problem, which might be how he perceives it. Sorry for such a daft reply. Blush

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/08/2016 21:03

I don't think you should talk to his (half) sister on his behalf. Suggest you take a huge step back from her, her problems etc and only see her with your H present. If you see her much less that's fine and all your DC will be fine too.

As for his relationship with her and other family, he needs to consider what to do, with professional help, and you can support him in that.

Your OP was unreasonable in wanting his family to be good because you hoped for a new, nice family following losses in yours.

Dozer · 28/08/2016 21:05

oh, and stop texting her and stop responding to her seeking to arrange family stuff via you: it's his family, she should contact him to arrange things or chat, and you've said he would prefer this.

Original poster
Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 28/08/2016 21:27

Thanks Dozer for the reply. This thread made me wake up so much to how I am perceiving things...I actually talked to him the morning after I wrote the OP and said to him, "I am so sorry if it ever seemed like I was taking you DSIS' side...I am firmly in your corner on this, I just didn't want you to regret sending her a drunken-fueled message" and he was definitely grateful that I stopped him.

But things are coming to a head, no doubt, and because I am in contact with her, and he knows this, he really wants me to exert his position on how he feels, to her. I am totally fine with this, if that's what he wants, but I wish I could ask advice on here about how to go about it. Sad I need like a select few of you to PM me, we start a group and hash it out, away from the MN public view of it all...! Not possible, I know. I just really want to help him.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/08/2016 21:29

There are many more knowledgeable posters on here on dysfunctional families, but I doubt seeking to help in that way will actually help. It's his relationship and he needs to manage it, when he's ready.

Original poster
Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 28/08/2016 21:34

...and I should also say, that in the middle of all of this, she has messaged on Facebook to tell me she's sent my DH a present, for his 40th. So that's what I am dealing with..."thanks DSIS for sending DH a present, though he thinks you hate him, and I don't know how to react now!" Confused She is very good at showing 'gestures' like this, so you can't really question her...he sees it as totally manipulative though. He's gone to bed really sad, and upset.

I really wish I could write it all out but it would totally 'out' us.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/08/2016 21:38

You don't need to acknowledge the gift: your H can (or not) upon receipt.

Original poster
Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 28/08/2016 21:52

I already did though. We have each other on FB messenger, and she was all "I sent me brother a gift, even though I am skint!" and I had to acknowledge the gift and say "wow, you shouldn't have!" and honestly, it feels so false. DH could not care less about whatever this token gesture is! Ugh I really wish I could go into all the details!...what should I say? "Thanks but no thanks!" Gooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

OP posts:
BertPuttocks · 28/08/2016 22:02

"We have each other on FB messenger, and she was all "I sent me brother a gift, even though I am skint!"

I have to agree that your SIL does sound manipulative. Look at what she's done here:

  1. Makes sure that others know that she has sent a gift so that they see how lovely she must be. Why did she feel the need to do that? Surely you would have found out about the gift when your DH received it?!

  2. Makes it sound like a big sacrifice, reinforcing her status as 'lovely person'. Again, why is she telling you this? If I'd bought a present when skint, the last thing I would want to do is to let others know about my finances. I'd hate the recipient to find out and feel guilty.

I think there's more to your SIL than you realise.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/08/2016 22:12

It's nice that you've told DH that you are on his side.

Why don't you tell his sister that too?

Tell her that he's going to drive all the contact from now on because it feels disloyal for you to be all matey when he still has issues with her, and obviously you have to put him before her.

Dozer · 28/08/2016 22:18

You didn't HAVE to respond in that way though: can you see that? You could just have ignored her message, or said "thanks for letting me know to expect a delivery".

Suggest you gradually cease messaging her!

Original poster
Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 28/08/2016 22:24

Bert you are so right. This seems to be DSIL's MO, always: I am making a sacrifice, but I am doing it for you.

I really wish I could elaborate on all of this: for one thing there is a lot of tragedy in this family, on both sides.

Try to imagine this scenario: deaths on both sides of the family, leaving the children behind. No wills, just informal arrangements made which are word of mouth. DH getting an email: "we found some notes and you're entitled to 40/40/20"...him being the 20. I really can't elaborate more...honestly if he found this thread he'd probably divorce me...am trying not to out us...but if I do, I am sorry! I am desperate!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 28/08/2016 22:27

You didn't HAVE to respond in that way though: can you see that? You could just have ignored her message, or said "thanks for letting me know to expect a delivery"

You're right! Completely. I think it's the fact that she could see I was "on" Facebook when she sent the message so I felt compelled to respond. I shouldn't have though, you are right.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/08/2016 22:28

Poor DH Sad

Original poster
Dontknowhowtofeelnow · 28/08/2016 22:34

Help me help him? Sad I love him. I don't want him sad anymore. I really do love him.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/08/2016 22:44

How about you (both) read up on toxic families; agree on "boundaries"; adjust your own relationship with his family (eg significantly reduce contact) while he considers what level of contacy he wants; and encourage him to seek help since the issues have upset and affected him a lot over a long period of time.

You can't make it better, and it's his stuff to handle, but you are there for him.

Naicehamshop · 28/08/2016 23:06

Sorry to go against the grain here but your DH 's behaviour sounds awful; childish, manipulative and self obsessed. I appreciate that he may have had an unhappy childhood and unresolved issues, but then so do many people. He seems to be unable to deal with his family in a reasonably mature way and if I were you I would stay out of the situation as much as possible. He needs to grow up fast.

springydaffs · 31/08/2016 14:46

Some people really do get fucked up by extraordinarily fucked up family systems, Naice.

Op I suggest you go into therapy together, with the hope that DH eventually goes into therapy himself. Get some literature about toxic families and look at it together.

MatrixReloaded · 31/08/2016 16:12

Speaking to her on his behalf is a bad idea. Is there any reason why he's unable to speak to her directly?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread