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Original poster

Buying a house together

30 replies

Workitbabe · 19/08/2016 22:03

Me and DP been together for 2 1/2 years and currently live in the house I shared with my exh. We are selling up and buying somewhere together but I feel uneasy. I don't feel like there is any commitment from him and I feel like I need to protect mine and my girls' future. My current house has £220k of equity - DP has nothing to put down as he is on a DMP and we will be sharing the mortgage payments. I trust him but want more from him - is that unreasonable? He recently had some money from the passing away of his Dad 3 years ago. I think it was about £5k. We spent some money on a holiday c£ 800 and he is buying his son a £600 laptop. I know it seems crazy but I hoped he might produce a ring and pop the question. He is always saying he wants to get married but it seems like it is all talk. I am probably being paranoid but it is making me feel on edge.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Kaisha02 · 19/08/2016 22:06

I think there's more on your mind if you think a ring can solve your concerns - it won't. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? It won't be an easy conversation but it definitely could be worth having.

pinkandstripey · 19/08/2016 22:09

If he's on a dmp he won't be able to get a mortgage? Most mortgage companies will not allow someone not on the mortgage to be on the deeds, so if you purchase a house it will be yours alone.

If he's terrible with money, don't link yourself financially to him, or you won't be able to get a mortgage either!

You need to sort out finances, a ring will kit solve any problems. Why isn't he using that money to resolve his debt problems?

expatinscotland · 19/08/2016 22:09

I think you're crazy to jeopardise your financial future, and that of your children, for a partner or even an ex. A ring won't solve your problems. Please see a solicitor about this or better yet, don't do it.

pinkandstripey · 19/08/2016 22:09

*not solve

ImperialBlether · 19/08/2016 22:14

For god's sake, protect your money! He's not interested in commitment and has financial problems. Protect yourself, protect your children.

CalleighDoodle · 19/08/2016 22:20

Just looked up Dmp and i just wouldnt do it.

Oopsiedaiseyy · 19/08/2016 22:21

Don't do it. You worked hard for what you have and he's shown what he's about. I think you should protect you and your daughters money as you never know what happens in the future and people change after break ups and you risk losing what you have worked for.

AyeAmarok · 19/08/2016 22:25

Just buy the house yourself, in your sole name.

cosytoaster · 19/08/2016 22:27

Trust your instincts. Don't rush into anything and get legal advice. If it was me I wouldn't do it.

HeddaGarbled · 19/08/2016 22:33

If you get married, he will be entitled to some of your assets if you split - the longer you are married, the more he will get.

If you put the house in both your names, whether you marry or not, he will get half if you split.

If the house is in your name but he makes a contribution to the mortgage, he will be entitled to some of the equity if you split, again, the longer he contributes to the mortgage, the more he will be legally entitled to.

Littleladylumps · 19/08/2016 23:02

Don't do it, just don't do a mortgage with him!
If he has got into that state financially once it could happen again and screw you over

FreeFromHarm · 20/08/2016 01:00

Don't do it, You will regret it . Lady lumps is right

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 20/08/2016 02:05

Whose idea is it to sell.
I think you know its not going to work as you have ended up here.
Advise is not to sell and to protect what you own now.
He has many issues here and you can see he cares not about the money.
If he's living with you what does he pay towards bills and is he paying you money to live in your home op.
Go with your feelings here.

Steamgirl · 20/08/2016 02:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 20/08/2016 08:51

A ring won't solve your problems - it will be the start of them!

Come on love, scrape together some standards! Why are you even thinking about buying a house with someone who you don't feel is committed to you?

How much of that £5K went on his DMP? Fine to have a treat if you've been working hard on the DMP, but if he paid off none of it, I'd run a mile from someone with such a poor financial attitude. There can be good reasons why someone ended up in debt, but often there are poor ones. If they were poor and he hasn't used any of the £5K for debts (or emergency fund saving - basically something other than buying luxuries) then never tie yourself to him financially.

If you want marriage, then propose. I'd urge you not to though. And to talk to a solicitor about a pre-nup if you do.

Original poster
Workitbabe · 20/08/2016 14:28

Thanks all. DP pays half of everything so it's all fair and even. We have been granted a mortgage by a specialist provider through our financial adviser, so that is no issue- we just have to pay a slightly higher %. DP owes £19k now (originally £40k when he started 2 1/2 years ago)- he pays off £750 a month, so he is working hard at getting rid of it. This was a one off where he loaned a friend some money to start a business and got screwed over.
The reason we are moving is that currently my exh is still a guarantor on the mortgage, and we obv want him off. Plus we want to buy something together rather than living in the house me and exh lived in.
I do trust him and know he wants us to have a future together; just feel disappointed that he hasn't done anything about it yet.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 20/08/2016 14:32

No, it's not fair at all. It's foolish, in fact. You are going to risk the only asset you have, the only financial stability your kids have, for someone you haven't known very long because you don't want to continue living in a house you shared with your ex? For real? VERY silly to buy something together just now. Foolish amount of risk on your part but you seem determined to do it.

GodImbored · 20/08/2016 14:37

I would at least wait a bit longer for the debt to be paid off. You would be mad otherwise.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/08/2016 14:37

You will really be the architect of your own demise as well if you go ahead with this hare brained scheme.

I do not think for one minute he will ever pop the question either. He is unreliable and untrustworthy and I think your own boundaries in relationships are also very poor; what you have with him seems primarily to be based on hope alone.

SandyY2K · 20/08/2016 14:44

You are right in your thinking. I wouldn't buy a home with him in your position, especially in the absence of more commitment.

Protect your daughter's inheritance, otherwise you'll be effectively giving him £120k and if you buy as a joint mortgage and not tenants in common, if you die the house becomes his (in the absence of any legal documents to say otherwise).

If you buy as tenants in common, any children he may have could also be due to inherit 50% (his half) of the house, unless you make other arrangements via a solicitor.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/08/2016 15:36

If he's already contributing a percentage of your mortgage-payments he's likely to have established a claim on your equity. He'd need to go to court to exercise that claim. And he's presently not in a position to do that. Which is very, very fortunate.

If you buy together and you truly do wish to protect the equity you're putting into the new property then you need to see a solicitor and have a Deed of Trust drawn up. This will state in binding terms what is yours to take with you should the relationship come to an end at some point in the future and you need to sell up. When you have a child/children to provide a home for this is only sensible. If your partner objects to this arrangement then he's revealing himself as a cocklodger and you will know what to do.

Get married without a Deed of Trust and you could be be giving him a free gift of £100k-plus for the pure pleasure of his company. Where will you go and what will you do with half of your equity given away gratis?

Greatdomestic · 20/08/2016 17:23

I've got deja vous regarding your post.

However, in your shoes I would not be looking to buy a property with your DP, until he is bringing more than £20k of debt to the table. Let him get this paid off, or at least more of it.

Why is it an issue to have your ex as guarantor on your mortage? I'm assuming he is your daughter's father and therefore this offers protection for them. Which your intended course of action doesn't. Did you and your ex live a long time in the house together? As you and your DP have been together for 2 1/2 years, I'm assuming your ex has been gone for at least that long.

The mortgage provided by a specialist provider - how do the rates compare with a mortgage you would get if buying with an individual without your DP's background?

Protect both your financial security and your daughters and don't do this.

BG2015 · 20/08/2016 22:38

I bought a house with my now ex. He paid £1k deposit and I put £100k of equity in. I saw a solicitor and had my £100k ring fenced ( can't remember the legal name for it) so that if we split up and so,d the first £100k would be mine.

We lived together and pooled our salaries together for 6 years until we split in 2013. I lost money as we had to sell the house for less than we bought it for. I came out with £75k he came out with £2k that he forced me to give him. It was a terrible time.

Be very, very careful OP that you protect your equity for yourself and kids. I now have my own house and my partner lives with me and pays me rent.

JT05 · 20/08/2016 23:42

Get a solicitor to draw up a Deed of Trust that will not only protect your money, but protect your rights regarding inhabiting the property, ie no guests staying more than a fortnight.

This can change on marriage so a pre nap would be drawn up in your favour.

Blu · 21/08/2016 07:05

I agree!

My first advice would be don't buy with him atm.

If you do buy seek specific legal advice on these issues:
Is the house at risk, is it collateral should he fail to meet the terms of the dmp?
A Deed of trust stating the share of the house that you own: the equity that you put in plus your share of the newly bought mortgaged bit. Buy as Tennants in Common, NOT joint tenants.
A will leaving your share of the house to your DDs.

Have you talked to him about commitment? You willl protect your Dd's financial future much better by NOT getting married because the minute you marry your house is his.

But you should feel secure and doubt free about his commitment if you are taking this step. I.e you shouldn't need marriage to prove it.

The only way he can get a mortgage is via you. He needs you. What is the matter with him contributing ad rent?

How much extra % are you having to pay because of his status? Ask the advisor to show you how much extra payment that adds up to over the life of a mortgage, compared to a more favorable rate you could get?

Is he a high earner in a secure job?

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