have you ever felt like leaving your dp because you cant stand their family....

[daisey]

my mil has completely come between dp and i. Every time dp and i have had anything to celebrate i.e marriage, pregnancy, birth and buying a house shes always put a dark cloud over it.Its not a case of what we want its a case of what she wants. Anyhow dp has finally stood up to her though he has taken a break from her this last year. Weve had hardly anything to do with her but i feel she has already damaged our relationship and hes been too late to stand up to her.The thing is it looks like they could be on speaking terms soon and she will be back in our lives. I just cannot bear it and never want to see the woemn again. We have family weddings to go to and christenings where she will be there and i cant face going. I have never hated someone as mush as i hate her and even having to look her playing the victum makes me feek sick. I just feel like leaving dp to play happy families with them i dont want to be apart of it all.

ooohhh daisey, what a dam shame for you.
Have you spoken to dp about how serious you feel about the situation.
Are you worried that if you ask him to choose, that he will not choose you.
What an awful situation to be in.
Have you tried talking to MIL/FIL?

How long have you been together?

nearly 7 years- i dont want him to choose i just feel i dont want her in my life. For years dp had been stuck in the middle trying to please us both-when really he should be doing whats best for me and him.I feel its just a little too late on his behalf the fear of having her back into our lives-i cannot bear the women no longer.

Sorry but I disagree that it should be all about you and that she shouldn?t have a part in his life. Yes you are his partner and he should stick up for you if she has been nasty to you, but she is his mother and she also has the right to a place in his life.

I do find it strange when people seem to think that their dh/dp should cut ties with their mothers if mil/dil don?t get on, I agree that some MILs are vile individuals who need to be told what?s what, but I don?t think any of us on here expect our children to cut off their relationship with us when they find a partner do they?

What is it your mil has done exactly

Word to the wise and one lesson that I will ALWAYS hammer home to my daughters: when you meet a man, and he's a Mama's boy, run fast and far!

Run, run, run!

Neverless it is still a dificult situation to be in.
Does she dislike you daisey? Is she controlling? Was it your decision for dp to cut ties?
I'm just trying to paint a picture here as you are not giving us much to feed on.
Are there other siblings?
How does she make you feel this hate towards her?
Have you tried ignoring her or saying something sarcastic back to her negative jibes!

I know exactly how you feel, I have posted a different thread with my story in. and yes I think I would leave.

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Its not as easy as that though, I can't stand my MIL I would go as far as saying she is evil and potentially damaging for my children. She has no kind words to say about anyone and will freely row in front my children with my FIL, its hard to see your kids witness behaviour that you don't feel is acceptable but if i were to make an issue with dp it would cause soo much trouble. I sympathise for you i REALLY DO.I guess it depends on the circumstances but i don't think its always unreasonable to expect other halves to chose.

Message withdrawn

I havent said that i have made him choose-i have said that i didnt want him to choose but at the same time i cannot stand the women being back in our lives.And if its as bad as it was before i will walk.His family are so petty that you cannot help but come down to their level because they infuriate you so much with their accusations like for eg. they get treated differently to my parents yeah bloody right they do we have to walk on eggshells to keep them happy and ive been made to feel i have to push my parents away.Who are these people or mothers who think they have right of say on what type of birth you have, what you could call the baby who can be at the birth, where you should live or send your kids to school. Things like this where if you dont do what they say then they sulk and moan til the cows come home.What kind of mother emotionally balckmails her son and tries to manipulate him into getting her way.

No she chose to cut ties with him because of all the times hes hurt her apparently.Because he refuses to spend any time with her just the two of them even though he works away a hell of alot and barely has time for us. After a year or so hes recently confronted her with what shes done after reading the toxic parents book which i brought for him.Hes had nothing to do with her because she hasnt apologised for cutting ties her response was maybe it was just to get a reaction even though she never contacted him since.The rest of his family have turned against him and often ring and have a go at him because shes playing the victim card.

when in a long term relationship with children, it is often unrecognised that there is the start of a new family which comes first.

my nan was always gracious in this respect. always saying "your family comes first" of course she is my family - but no longer my first family she is relegated to my wider family. as is my mother. the same is said of DH's parents and brothers.

we are our first family, our first priority.

there is definatley alpha female stuff going on with MILs but i found it better just to say straight out.

we come first.

i was lucky in that my DH confronted my MIL early in our marriage when she said something disparaging he replied " thats my wife your talking about"

that firmly told her who was fucking alpha female then

i really feel for you, i have a difficult relationship with my m&fil they try to control situations, can be manipulative they expect you to do what they want and also sulk when they don't get their way.
i try to rise above them in these situations, which sounds quite easy but it is quite challenging at times but they are the ones who have acted stupidly not you and by you rising above it they know!

i say to my dh that i really need his support and do get it, he's a good listener and i feel that you have to keep communicating with your dh about your feelings, i have felt that i wished i had met someone else who had normal parents & said this to him in so many words in the heat of the moment and he was desperately upset & couldn't believe i felt that way. i obviously said i didn't mean it, i don't believe i did really it was just the pressure put on us by his parents

Rise above them, you and your husband are independant people who can involve them in your lives but by keeping a certain ammount of distance.

"I can't for the life of me see how the caring, loving mothers of sons I see in the playground every day turn into the evil witches whose boys many MNers seem to have married."

I suppose that in the playground, and beyond, right up until a man moves in with a partner, the sort of woman who turns into a controlling/spiteful/emotionally blackmailing MIL is still the number one woman in their son's life. There's no need for them to participate in one upmanship or make hurtful remarks because there's no threat to their position .... and therefore, they do appear caring, and, in all fairness, at that stage of their son's life, actually are caring.

Goodness knows how a minority of women change so dramatically though .... you would imagine, wouldn't you that there might be some small hint of their future awfulness.

I don't have an awful MIL but I did once have one, and I felt the relationship between her and her son was distinctly peculiar. In her case, I am sure the problem was almost like a "loss of face" ..... that she found the idea of another woman taking precedence over her quite abhorrent, and that her son "owed" her (for what I'm not sure ..... bringing him up ? her choosing to have him ?). She controlled him by perpetually threatening to amend her (significant) will. He'd tell her where to go, but money always won through and within weeks they'd have made up and I'd be blamed for whatever they'd fallen out over. Bastard & bitch that they were.

the thing is mil is unhappily married therefore sees dp as the number one man in her life. I was happy for her to be a part of our life but theres no respect or boundaries there and she cannot be happy for us because she is unhappy and bitter herself.She says she knows that me nad ds come first yet she doesnt behave that way. She told dp that she was having tests on her throat and all the symptoms point to cancer and if he doesnt go away with her on holiday just the two of them then he will regret it for the rest of his life.

i got on fine with mil when dp and i were friends it when we started dating that she turned.

daisey it does sound as if your mil truely is a vile woman. Was having a conversation with dh about this, not this post in particular but about another post where a dh has never stood up to his mil and dh's response was "the man sounds totally spineless".

Tbh, if it was my mil then I would personally stand up to her, because if my husband was unprepared to do so then I would, because I simply would not tolerate being spoken to like that.

I've had IL issues in the past - FIL essentially told me I was a bad parent and didn't speak to me for two years, even in my own house, I was the dutiful dil at all times - cooking his favourite dinners/puddings and going out of my way to be nice. Ultimately he couldn't keep it up, I don't know whether it was that or whether my mil told him to grow up, but we get along just fine now.

it's not only MILs that can be evil.

cant do links sorry but go on this site it is fantastic for support for MIL problems

www.motherinlawstories.com/mother-in-law_stories_archive_calendar_2006.htm

Oh I agree completely Sobernow. These awful MIL tales would be nipped in the bud if the sons accepted no nonsense. There are a lot of men out there too who do seem to worship their mothers and appear utterly blind to any faults. I suppose that in some cases it's quite a mutually beneficial relationship - the mother is no. 1 woman and gets to call the shots, while the son is pampered and indulged, almost babied ..... some of them seem to enjoy this regression.

I agree sobernow, my mil was awful to me for 10 years. Both my dp (as he was then) and his father refused to say anything to her. Their excuses ranged from "she is joking" to "she doesn't know she is being offensive" to "you're imagining it".

it stopped the day dh finally stood up to her and told her it was not acceptable for her to speak to me like that.

I've read many stories of horrible mil's on here and in most cases, it seems to me that instead of being pissed off at the mil, it is the dps who are most at fault. I did not ask my dp to cut contact with my mil, but I refused to see her - she didn't seem to realise that the more she abused me, the less she saw her son.

Well I'm in the middle of reading 'toxic parents' right now, & believe me it is an eye opener, far from being a cop out!!!

Unless you have been through a similar situation yourself, or have had toxic parents then I understand why anyone would think this way. Difficult to put it into words on here & even to begin to explain how its all described.
I think Daisey buying the book for her dp was a very considerate thing to do, & thoughtful on her part. At least she has gone to the understanding of why her MIL behaves the way she does. Explaining to your dp about how his mother is can be very difficult, & come across as hurtful, where as the book lets you understand in your own way just how devious & manipulating some parents can be without you even having any knowledge of it.
There are alot of caring, loving mothers out there in the playground-yes I aggree, but its what goes on at home & in their heads that becomes manupulitive & evil & threatening. Just because a mother shows love & affection doesn't mean she is not capable of being a devious, manipulative bitch.
Maybe if you have not had any experience of this kind of thing, then you are the lucky one.