have you ever felt like leaving your dp because you cant stand their family....

[daisey]

my mil has completely come between dp and i. Every time dp and i have had anything to celebrate i.e marriage, pregnancy, birth and buying a house shes always put a dark cloud over it.Its not a case of what we want its a case of what she wants. Anyhow dp has finally stood up to her though he has taken a break from her this last year. Weve had hardly anything to do with her but i feel she has already damaged our relationship and hes been too late to stand up to her.The thing is it looks like they could be on speaking terms soon and she will be back in our lives. I just cannot bear it and never want to see the woemn again. We have family weddings to go to and christenings where she will be there and i cant face going. I have never hated someone as mush as i hate her and even having to look her playing the victum makes me feek sick. I just feel like leaving dp to play happy families with them i dont want to be apart of it all.

Its not just women who have evil IL's either, men can have them too.
When a person has been brought with beliefs of what is right/wrong, that belief stays with them until they become mature enough to understand it themselves, or until someone brings their attention to it.
If it is all they have known, then it will be very difficult for them to change it. It doesnt always mean that person is spinless!

my dh says now, that maybe he did know that his mother was being malicious and vicious, but he found it really hard to accept and was in denial. (cop-out imo).

Exactly i blame dp for not standing up to her and even though we have nothing to do with her now that was because of her she ended it not him and he said nothing. And yet i feel guilty for coming between them because ultimately this is about being no.1 female i know i havent done anything wrong but still feel guilt.I feel bitter and cheated that my ds is deprived of his gp's because they care for no-one but themselves or that i havent got a normal relationship with them.

3 years ago dp and i moved in together after getting engaged, we were trying for a baby and yet his mum still wanted him to go on holiday with him he felt that if he did this one last thing for her she would be off our backs i felt if he did this one thing for her she would expect to get her own way all time. I gave him the utilmatum-you stand up to her now or else i walk because if you dont she will always control your life.I ended up walking because he was too scared that if he stood up to her he would lose his family. How does that make me feek as far as i was concerned i was his family his future. Anyhow he changed his mind, i fell pregnant (was when i walked out he didnt know) but he never did stand up to her. When we told her the news she was like so you wont be going away on holiday with me now then.TBH ive never got over how he let me walk out it haunts me to this day if i wasnt pregnant i prob would of done a runner.

And then things got worse because i was carrying her gc and the controlling ways were pushed onto me.And you get sucked in-now weve had time apart i think wtf why did i let her get away with that more to point why didnt dp say something protect me.I feel that although he's done nothing to re-connect ties with her hes done nothing in the way of standing up to her hes avoided the issue. Had he stood up to her years ago when we moved out perhaps it would never have got to the point of her cutting ties or perhaps it would of happened sooner of which case at least she wouldnnt of been round to spoil some of our happier times and i wouldnt feel so threatened by her or doubt that he loves me.

daisey, I completely empathise with how you feel - I felt exactly the same. If it's any consolation, once dh did stand up to her she hasn't been as bad.

I really think you mustn't feel guilty for coming between them - ime the situation is of their making, not yours.

dh knew years ago when i said stand up to her or else id wlak that he would lose his parents over this-it was an unsaid rule. His other family member have very little to do with him now mil says she hasnt said anything its there choice but she knows it and does little to encourage them.

Feel bad for you daisy. I'm in a similar situation where my family has backed down to allow MILs (increasing)needs and my husband is a real mummy's boy (expatinScotland I should have paid heed to the warning signs).

However, try not to let it eat you up. I too used to stoop to their level and was consumed by the thought of her calling or having to go to see her in Italy. I've turned the tables and tried the assertive with a friendly smile approach and it seems to put her in her place. She still comes out with her snide and stupid comments and it just makes her look erm snide and stupid.

Your mil sounds like a desperate and scared woman. Keep that in mind - you are the mother of her grandchildren and the wife of her son. You do have the upper hand.

Best of luck to you.

ive never really looked at it this way shes an controlling mother because shes been allowed to be controlling.Dp has just always avoided the issue. The controll started in his teenage years with his first gf.Dp and his mum were very close and obviously she felt threatened and tried to reign him in.

So try to see it from her point of view whilst maintaining your authority.

I really do empathise as I've been on the point of splitting up with my husband with the main reason being his family.

Eg. my SIL has been dumped by her husband (spookily similar reasons where he thinks mil takes liberties!odd that!) and my husband needs to go to Italy and support his mother who is finding it difficult to cope with this news. In fact, I spoke to her after the bad news and the first thing she did was to scream 'do you love my son!!!'. How selfish, she should be thinking about her daughter right now! Last year when ds was 4 months they expected him to fly to italy rent a car and take his fil to a hospital in rome in the vain hope this act of kindness would entice fil to leave his girlfriend and go back to mil. Every major event she's over involved. This kind of crap. Similar to your kind of crap.

I haven't left DH yet as I want my DS to have a strong family and I'm hoping DH can better prioritise his resources. However, I've made it very clear to my dh that I'm not his sister and I'm more than capable of going it alone if need be.

Daisy just don't be beaten down by negative people. You've got your own kids and don't waste energy on her.

Try the new smiley approach. Honestly DH's family have been shocked by my new responses. Of course we had to spend DS first Christmas in Italy and then they were starting to plan for his first birthday. Whilst smiling I just said I'd speak to my parents and get back to them on that issue - jaws dropped but they got the message!

Remember Jermaine Jackson said you can't argue with ignorance. How true.

There's a very good book (don't remember the name) that helped me years ago. The basic idea is that we get into habits in all our relationships. egif your mother shouts at you you will tend to react the same way and we then perpetuate negative aspects of all our relationships. A good way to break this cycle is to change your reaction. Typically the person will try to get you to change back as that's what they're used to but if you persevere they will eventually accept the new way of communication. If that kind of makes sense?

yeah im starting to see it a bit differently. Why is it that it tends to be mother and sons?

My ex's family were funademental in my divorce, they were the cuase of the firstcracks, they made my flesh creep and am very glad to be shot of them. But we had problems anywayand I wonder if we loved each other more might we have overcome his family.

My new dp mother is difficult as dp i sher golden boy and she is very jealous and dpoes try and come between us. But beacuse I love dp sp much I won't let it come between us.

Don't forget that women today have far more choices and opportunities than our mothers' generation.

I find many people who don't feel particularly empowered in their own lives feel the need to control the lives of others.

Doesn't make a difficult MIL any easier to deal with though!!!!!!

I've got an 8 month son an I really hope I don't end up like that.