ashamed

[sjs85]

I am looking for advice, I have been seeing a man for a couple of months, I haven't introduced him to my son who's 8, I was going to wait a long time before introducing him if it was going to be a long term relationship. My son's father isn't around and I have found out I'm pregnant. The man I am seeing doesn't want the baby, it was an accident but I want to keep the baby. I told my mum and she isn't speaking to me now, she said it's embarrassing and everyone will be ashamed of me and I'm very selfish having two children with no father around. I don't want to have an abortion as I know I can cope and the baby would be very much loved by me and their older brother. My mum says she can't face telling anyone as its really bad. What would you do?

My view is a bit different from the rest and probably not popular, but its my view.

I wouldn't want my daughter to be in your position because I think it's really hard being a single parent.

Your mum has probably seen you struggle bringing up your son on your own and naturally wanted better for you. For your child to be raised by two parents in a stable family unit.

It's a tough job being a mum and I imagine even harder as a single mum from what I've seen.

You were young when you had your first child and maybe your mum thought you'd have learnt from that. So I can see how she feels disappointed. The fact that your mum said she feels ashamed shows that she expected better of you and had higher hopes, because if she didn't love you, she wouldn't be bothered.

Look at it this way ... you're bringing a new life into the world and you've only known the father for a couple of months.

You really don't know him at all and this is how women get forever linked with undesirable men, because they have a child together and have to maintain contact.

I personally think choosing the man who will be the father of my child is a very important decision.

People will say it's 2016 and indeed it is, but that doesn't mean individuals must change their own personal values and beliefs.

I'm sure she'll come round in time and accept her new grandchild.

Your parents sound dreadful. I agree with the previous poster who said keep the baby and get rid of your mum and dad!

Fwiw the friends I have with absent fathers think their life is a lot easier without the fathers input than it would be with it.

Sandy, surely we all agree that "choosing the man who will be the father of my child is a very important decision"? But to make that decision, you need the right tools. You need a good sex education by your school and parents, and you need to have the confidence and maturity to make sure you use contraception. Even then, you can still get pregnant. It sounds like the OP was either not well equipped to "choose" the father of her child or has been very unlucky. In other words, she didn't choose him at all. And unfortunately her boyfriend was equally unprepared.

Just as you find it hard to understand how someone could make a mistake like this, I find it hard to understand that you would blame it entirely on this young mum, and not (at least in part) on her upbringing, society at large, her boyfriend or just plain bad luck.

Sounds like her mum is also blaming it entirely on her - which is the part that I find unpleasant. I'm trying to bring up my children to be very careful with contraception - I don't want them to be single parents either if they can help it, just as you say. But I wouldn't blame it on them if they did end up in that situation; I'd give them my full support and leave it up to the haters to do any shaming.

Your mum needs to come out of the year 1703 and into 2016.

I don't think Sandy is blaming anyone here. I think its unfair of posters to call people who raise a note of concern as "haters". I can see how her mother would be disappointed to see her daughter put in this position again, and her GC be without a father in the picture again.

Your mum is being awful about this.
Even so, if it was my daughter I'd be gutted that she's pregnant again by a guy who isn't interested.

Thinking I'm not sure if you understood my post, as I did not call Sandy a hater?

But yes, Sandy did blame the OP (and no one else - that was my point) for being in this situation : "you're bringing a new life into the world and you've only known the father for a couple of months." OP did not get pregnant on her own. The father is also bringing a new life into the world. And I described above why I think that other people around the pair of them (and bad luck) might also have contributed. It's my opinion.

Thinking, thank you.

Raven I'm not blaming anyone.

This isn't a case of blame. I was just expressing and giving my view on how the OPs mum felt, as I myself wouldn't be happy if my daughter was in this situation. So I can see with what she said.

I wouldn't tell my daughter I was ashamed, evev if that's how I felt, but I would let her know I was disappointed.

I feel that sex education in this case is irrelevant. The OP knows how babies are made and I'm sure she is aware of how contraception works.

AlMinzer post exactly. I'd support my dd but I'd be gutted for her. And regardless of what MN say, people unfortunately do judge. But your dm should always be there for you.

There are worst things that can happen in life. Be proud you are such a strong, independent good mum. You did it before and you can do it again.

I applaud you OP. Your parents' lack of compassion stinks IMHO. But you have to deal with the hand your dealt. Your new baby will be born into a small family of love.

With regards to choosing who you have to father your children, there are no guarantees here long term. MN is littered with posts whos partner was the best thing since sliced bread. Even after 10, 12 or however many years together, they turn out to behave like total shits towards their families if it suits them.

All the best in the world for your future. You've brightened up a miserable Saturday.

How do you feel about it all OP?

I'm trying to get over the embarrassment of becoming a single mother with an 8 month after a very short whirlwind romance with a former colleague but you just have to get on with it.

I might be in a minority, but I think that knowing how babies are made and how contraception works are just one part of sex education. The other part (where I believe things are more likely to go wrong these days) is convincing young men and women exactly how important contraception is - how important "just missing one pill" might be, how important it is to get the morning after pill if a condom splits, how you might need to use a condom if you have been sick on the pill ... all those kind of things are actually relatively tricky to put into practice really consistently: they take a lot of discipline. Young men and women often don't learn that discipline from their school and parents (partly a question of money), and don't have it banged into their heads quite how serious it will be if they do become parents early. That's what I would call a good sex education, rather than just a sex education.

(Pardon me, OP, if none of this is relevant to your situation; I am thinking of some of the friends I grew up with.)

Sorry if I misunderstood your comment, Sandy, I guess I was reading "between the lines" and thought your "I personally think" comment meant that the OP or other commenters didn't think that way. And that you were saying the OP had got herself in this situation alone.

Raven, I was just showing how her mum probably feels, because many others are saying to 'bin your mum' or 'dump your parents/mum' and tell her mum to 'piss off' or 'fuck her'.

Well I don't think she should do any of those things, just because her mother has expressed a very valid opinion. Is her mum really expected to be jumping for joy about this situation.

Nobody gets pregnant by themselves. I still don't see this as a blame issue.

What I do tell my DDs, is that pregnancy and having a baby will impact on them as girls way more than it will on a boy/man.

I sometimes watch '16 and pregnant' on MTV with them. They see how the girl's life changes massively after having a baby and how the young dad swans in and out as he wishes. Is it right? Of course not. But that's the reality of things.

Her education and studies are affected, her social life is affected, her friendships are affected and much more. She can't afford the baby and struggles financially. She is saddled with a baby and no partner to support her.

So why on earth would I be happy about that kind of situation for my daughter and grandchild.

Re the 'I personally' comment. I think it's very clear other posters don't share my views, but I have no problem with that at all. Each to their own, but suddenly having a different view means I'm a hater. Hater of what exactly?

I have similar parents. You can get into an endless cycle of wanting to please them to feel loved.
But - your kids help you break that because they are the most important people in your world.
If I were you, I'd say to her you're sorry she feels that way but you're a mum too and make the calls. When she's over it, she can call.
Keep the baby. You want to, even knowing it'll be tough. The baby will be lucky to have you as its mum. Xx

Congratulations!!

How exciting for you! You know what's involved and it sounds like you did a fantastic job first time around with your DS. x

Cath Do people judge nowadays.

As I have said most friends I have, women in their 20s/30s/40s and 50s have children by different absent fathers. I have never met anyone who raised even an eyebrow let alone thinking they must be shameful about their "predicament". I think I am one of only a handful of mothers I know who have children by the same father they share a home with.

Times have definitely moved on. This sort of comment sounds like something out of the 1950s.

No shame. Never. Do what you want to do, be strong and kind to yourself.

As a parent, I would want my daughter to have as easy a life as she can.

Being a single parent of 2 with no emotional, or maybe even financial support from the kids father/fathers side of family isn't easy, it looks like bloody hard work. However, I guess you could say you can't miss what you never had. Maybe from your mum's perspective she has seen you get through a few challenging times in the past - I doubt that she is ashamed of you, just really wants you to have an easier life, and her grandkids to have a dad that loves and cares about them too.

Are your parents involved grandparents with your child? Your mum will get used to the idea. Good luck for the future.

You should do what you want and your mother probably will come round.

But it is unreal to pretend that some people won't judge you for this - like your mother appears to at the moment. You will need to prepare for some people making adverse comments and being prejudiced.

You only have to look at the way the media called Ulrika Johsons a "4 X 4" - 4 kids; 4 different fathers - to realise that this sort of prejudice does exist and people do make nasty comments.

That's not a reason to not have your baby or to do what you want to do, but you do need to face the facts that people can be nasty and prejudiced and this is a topic that does bring it out in some people.

Oliversmummy yes of course they do. It's massively unPC to admit it though which is why l was thorouly shocked when cousin1, slightly pissed, made a comment about cousin2, which she thought was quiet enough that no one heard, about her dsis and the fact she had 4 dc to 3 different men.

Cousin1 has been a massive support to cousin2, they are great friends but yep, she was questioning her judgement, as a woman who kept having dc with useless twats.

SJS
Ultimately you are the only one who can make this decision.
I can understand your mum being upset the first time because having a child when you are very young is life changing and limits many possibilities for you, but second time round is rather different. Tell her to get into the 21st Century!
However, before you make the final decision do have counselling to look at all the pros and cons. I'm sure you will have a second child but is this the right time? Were you hoping to get into a relationship with someone who would help you parent your second child? If you have this baby you may be limiting the prospects with 2 children.
Then again, sometimes it's easier to parent without a reluctant or difficult father around.
Think with your head as well as your heart and good luck to you, whatever your decision.

Don't think I have ever judged anyone. I just look on in slight envy because they don't have to run everything through a second person who can veto stuff. They just get on with things.