Friends - DH thinks I am imagining it but I feel like I am back at school

[FoghornLeghorn]

Basically I am one third of a group of friends, we all used to get on very well sometimes we would all do things as a 3 some somtimes 2 of us would go off and do something etc but no I feel like I am being pushed aside.

I know it sounds pathetic which is why I haven't said anything and am now just distancing myself from them. My other 2 friends have DC's the same age and have started going to the same nursery school, my eldest DD is the same age as one friends youngest DS and doesn't go to nursery yet.
The 2 friends see each other every day, twice a day at the nursery, at least twice every week they go back to one of their houses for coffee while kids are at nursery. I am never ever included in this yet I live a 2 minute walk from one the friends and am on maternity leave as DD2 is only 9 weeks old - they both know that a good deal of the time I am at home with DD's yet i still never ever get included.

This has all started since their kids started school in September, I was pregnant at the time and thought it was maybe my hormones and I was thinking too much into things but I am definitely not. I am always the one texting both friends to see how they are, how their kids are, inviting the 2 of them around to my house for coffee etc yet it is never ever reciprocated.

We had a girls night out at the weekend and they spent the whole night giggling to themselves and going quiet whenever I went over to speak with them and they left very early together.
I spoke to DH about this yesterday and t first he thought i was just imagining things but once i'd explained everything he agreed they were acting a bit cliquey. We decided its best for me to just distance myself, afterall they are adults and if they want to spend time just the 2 of them then that is their choice, I am not going to beg to be included and I am not making the first move, I will wait to hear from them.

I don't know whatI expect anyone to say really, I just actually feel quite down and shit about it all

oh mate, that night out sounds horrific. Feel sad for you as I know how i would feel if it were me.
You can be my mate, xx

oh that does sound like crap, you poor thing. it really, really hurts when people behave like this.
you know what you can do... you can confront them and feel like a prat but it may get things resolved, or you can do as you intend and take a step back. i'm inclined to agree with you on that one.
the upside is that you have just had a new baby, which is the absolute best opportunity to make new friends. you might have to steel yourself, but if i was you i'd try to get out to new mum and baby groups and make some better, kinder, less childish chums.

Take control, I did, it is very liberating.

Dont bother with them anymore, they are not worth the air you breathe and be pleasant and distant with them.

I shook two off like that just before christmas, ooh I feel so much better for it.

I didnt reply to emails or text messages and i put myself in places where i dont have to meet them.

I think they got the message! Watch and learn, they will soon tire of each other and no doubt it will be some upset or other, those types often do.

Start cultivating some other friends who are more giving and less taking.

Ah thanks TeeCee x
One of the friends was going to be looking after our DD's overnight while we went out for my brothers 30th but I texted her yesterday to say we didn't need a sitter now but thanks - she knows something up because she texted back asking if she had done anything wrong.
She hasn't though .... she can be friends and spend as much time with whoever she likes. I just want to take myself out of a situation that is bringing me down

Good start foghorn

Thank Aitch and Tena. They will tire of each other soon enough, one is particularly opinionated about the other.

What makes it particularly hard is that one friend is BIL's soon to be wife and the other is DH's cousins wife

Oh mate

It's so hard cos how do you say something without sounding like a clingy mad stalker type nutter (I'm so not saying you are, but you know what I mean). I've had the same thing when a friend did this to me and I blew her out over a plan I had with her as I felt so hurt by her and it all backfired on me and she ended up being all annoyed with me and thought I was being pathetic. It was horrid. Not sure what the right thing to do is cos I know how I'd react, I'd be all hurt and put up walls and that doesn't go down very well funnily enough.
Someone else can advise, I'll just massively sympathise, xxx

No it doesnt always work out TeeCee. I ended up feeling bad yesterday for making one of the friends question if they had done something wrong. The other texted today apologising for leaving early and asking if the night went well so I just replied saying "yeah was great thanks" and now for some utterly stupid reason I feel bad for being abrupt.

I'm defo not saying a word, don't want to come across as mad stalker and that is exactly how it would be taken

oh nooo Annie, not proper family!

FHLH, Dont beat yourself up looking for faults in you, there wont be any. This is the worst sort of school girl behaviour giggling/blanking somone as you described - so leave them to it. Ive just moved to a new area so friends are quite thin on the ground at the moment but I know it wont be like that for ever as Im a nice person. I intend to be myself and make new friends. I`m sure you will too.

Foghorn, I think your short message is just fine. They do seem to be getting the message. If you dont make the break now, the same problems with that shit feeling will come back again and again. They wont change, believe me, I gave my so called chums many a chance.

Once they clique like that as a pair the 3rd becomes too much for them unless they want something of course.

Best rid!

Annie, that makes it even more disgusting and upsetting then. Nah still say give her the polite but distant treatment.

I would say soon to be SIL was probably my best friend .
DH said the same, they will come to me when they want me or need me but I supposed Im a bit scared they wont need me and they will just carry on the 2 of them.
I have other friends but they don't work and don't have kids

I know what you are saying Annie, there are going to be occasions where I have to see them and I don't want it to be unpleasant.
I hope they will maybe realise what they are doing is upsetting me but i doubt it

To be fair to them, when your children start school, you do "move on" to a degree and your life changes. They've both had children start school at the same time and you haven't. It may be that they think you would be bored listening to them wittering on about school stuff, as you wouldn't (a) know what they are talking about and (b) be able to contribute to such conversations.

That's the kind view. The other view is that they are being bitchy for some reason and you would do well to keep your distance.

Agree with finding other friends, organising your social life without including them or relying on them for babysitting, etc. I'm sure they'll soon realise that they are losing out on a good friendship and might come to their senses.

I've been having a similar sort of problem but different scenario. I was talking through it with dh last night and he (while being very sympathetic) was saying he continued to be amazed by how complicated it is being a woman and the way our friendships can be such hard work! He's so right. I think quietly distancing yourself is the best plan right now too.

I did this last year. one friend known for years, we'd make arrangements to meet and something better for her would appear and shed drop me.
But when she wanted to use my place as a holiday home in school hols and i said no, she got hump.

So i said lets just leave it, im so busy with work etc till later in year. Got back in touch a few weeks ago. Still happy to speak to her, but such a reflief to have put some space between us. In that time i have made some great new friends, who appreciate me.

Fog, make some palns of your own, be brave and ask some new friends to go to cinema, outside of kids, work, school, coffee mornings etc. You dont have to be unpleasant, sometimes a big smiley grin can give the same message.

Thanks Freckle but that is definitely not the case. One of the children is my niece and the other is like nephew.
My DD is only a year younger than them and one of the friends youngest DS is the same age

An online friend of mine once said that "friends were sometimes for a reason, sometimes just for a season, and some are for life".

Sounds to me like these were season friends, were great at the time, but it's time to move on. They may drift back, they may not, but as you say probably best to back off for now and let them go.

As others have said - new baby is a GREAT time to make new friends. Presumably your eldest is coming up to nursery age soon as well? I found that a good way to meet people - even more so by the time I got to school.

Ironically, the people I thought I'd end up really close with at the school gates didn't have that much in common with me - but they're good aquaintances we do favours for each other. I have two friends now though, which is great (what is it about groups of three?!) - we have a nice relaxed friendship and I feel I don't have to be on show with them and we can talk about pretty much anything.

Are they friends for life? Probably not. But they're good friends for right now.

You just need to find your right now friends