Friends - DH thinks I am imagining it but I feel like I am back at school

[FoghornLeghorn]

Basically I am one third of a group of friends, we all used to get on very well sometimes we would all do things as a 3 some somtimes 2 of us would go off and do something etc but no I feel like I am being pushed aside.

I know it sounds pathetic which is why I haven't said anything and am now just distancing myself from them. My other 2 friends have DC's the same age and have started going to the same nursery school, my eldest DD is the same age as one friends youngest DS and doesn't go to nursery yet.
The 2 friends see each other every day, twice a day at the nursery, at least twice every week they go back to one of their houses for coffee while kids are at nursery. I am never ever included in this yet I live a 2 minute walk from one the friends and am on maternity leave as DD2 is only 9 weeks old - they both know that a good deal of the time I am at home with DD's yet i still never ever get included.

This has all started since their kids started school in September, I was pregnant at the time and thought it was maybe my hormones and I was thinking too much into things but I am definitely not. I am always the one texting both friends to see how they are, how their kids are, inviting the 2 of them around to my house for coffee etc yet it is never ever reciprocated.

We had a girls night out at the weekend and they spent the whole night giggling to themselves and going quiet whenever I went over to speak with them and they left very early together.
I spoke to DH about this yesterday and t first he thought i was just imagining things but once i'd explained everything he agreed they were acting a bit cliquey. We decided its best for me to just distance myself, afterall they are adults and if they want to spend time just the 2 of them then that is their choice, I am not going to beg to be included and I am not making the first move, I will wait to hear from them.

I don't know whatI expect anyone to say really, I just actually feel quite down and shit about it all

I disagree that the fact they?re family means you can?t distance yourself from them. They?re family through your brother and your cousin?s choice, not yours.

By all means be civil to them, but don?t feel you need to put yourself out for them just because they?re family.

And I wonder if the fact that they?ve both txt you one to ask if she?s done anything wrong, and the other to apologise for leaving early, means that they?ve realized that something?s changed with you. I certainly wouldn?t mention that you feel that they?re pushing you out, but if they do ask I don?t think there?s anything wrong with saying something like ?oh you and x seem to be so busy these days, what with school and everything, that I just don?t think we?ve had the time to catch up properly lately?. It might make them stop and think at least.

but anniemac the niece's mother is distancing herself from the op to a large extent, why should the op have to still be there just when it's convenient for her?

There's distancing yourself and distancing yourself though, isn't there?

I mean - not bothering to chase meetings anymore, not relying on them to babysit, etc. But if they phone up and say "fancy coming out" then it's worth taking it in the spirit its intended and go out for a gossip and a drink. It's just not placing expectations on it and moving on if they're not prepared to do the running. It's not relying on them as your primary source of friendship and socialising.

It's also not ignoring them point blank if you happen to see them in the street or at family gatherings

And let's face it, I think there's a point when you've tried to organise the nth meetup and you've been blown out at the last minute yet again that you just lose all heart in putting the effort in, quite honestly.

You are all completely right
Wannabe - you are right in the fact that maybe they both realised something has changed and now if I am not the one contantly suggesting coffee dates and trips with the kids they may realise why.
I do have to see them whether I like it or not so I am not going to be rude or anything.

The fact is .... when they are normal, how they used to be, I enjoy their company lots and we used to have a complete scream all the time.

I will just leave any further contact to them and see how things go. I do believe they realise there is something wrong already, it's just a case now of whether they care what is wrong or not

What do I say if one of them asks me what is wrong ?
Am pretty sure the friend who texted me asking if she had dome something wrong will ask again and just don't know what the answer is.

Sorry Wannabe - your ?oh you and x seem to be so busy these days, what with school and everything, that I just don?t think we?ve had the time to catch up properly lately? was a good idea.

IMHO I would go with the idea of making out you are busy as well, that way it shows that you aren't just going to wait around until they decide that they want to see you, ie be busy going to baby massage classes or simular and then they will realise that you are an independant mummy

Oh I don't just wait around for them. I have lunch dates most weeks, visit nieces and nephews, go shopping etc.

That is what I mean, show them that you are busy, sorry I don't think it came out right.

FoghornLeghorn
Can sympathise. I expect a lot of us have been there. A lot of mothers can't seem to separate themselves or their feelings from their children. I am with Rubberduck and that online quotation. It's so true. My dd started 2dary school this year and I'm rapidly losing touch with her best friend's mother. I suggested coffee etc. but always felt she was only friendly when she wanted something. It suited me because our dds were friends !! But you do just move on and have to accept there won't be all that many really loyal people. If you are loyal yourself and not in the habit of dropping people you do feel disappointed, (I do !) but I guess some people don't feel the same way. Your "friends" seem to be acting like kids themselves. It sounds as if could be some form of power game, with family connections involved.

I have also found if the children fall out many of the mothers go cool as well. I've decided making friends among other mothers can be a risky business ! Would still do it if seemed worthwhile but am not surprised any more when friendships cool. Change of circs, as so many have said. All part of LRP (Life's Rich Pattern !) Hope this helps !

Well - I felt bad so i texted the friend who asked if she had done something wrong basically saying sorry for being off the other day, just feeling a bit crap but shouldn't have taken it out on you so sorry and guess what ........ i've heard nothing back.
It has obviously been turned around to her having the ump with me now.

I have made the move by apologising, I wont be texting her again unless I hear from her, which I am unlikely to.

Feel really shockingly shit

it sounds like they're the kind of 'girls' who have to have their in crowd, and in jokes. sooner or later they will fall out & want to turn to you for gossip & bitching. i'd go with the polite & friendly approach - do you really want to be close friends with people who can be like this?

I suppose not, no but these were probably my two closest friends. I just don't know what has happened Unless I have done something I don't realise

FL, truly they sound like they don't deserve such a thoughtful and caring friend.
Just keep your distance, wait for them to contact you and be cheery when they do, but bear in mind they are not what you thought they were.

Foghorn - I have just came across this thread and it is very strange but almost the exact same thing happened to me late last year...

I was very close with one friend and she seemed to back off over the summer holidays and started going off with the other neighbour.

I like you, was very hurt and confused for a whiole and like your dh mine thought I was mad for even worrying about it.

I still see them both but I backed off completely from them...I

t felt like I was back at school, I had no idea if I had done something, or said something or acted in some way but in the end I gave up bothering, although it still annoys me a little sometimes when I hear them discussing telephone calls they have to each other (they stay 2 doors away from each other and we all live in the same flippin street..

Try not to let it get you down too much.

Thaanks LL

Mellowma that sounds just what it is like for me.
They always seem to make a point of saying "oh remember when we did this", its like they are deliberately trying to make me feel left out

Very childish....Rise above it...thats what I am doing and intend to keep doing.

They also plan nights out and stay out until 4/5am and I cannot do that as I feel too rough the next day, so I just let them get on with it... Hopefully we will not be living here forever..

I actually asked the one I was closest too if I had done something but she acted like I was a weirdo and made me feel a bit stupid for asking!!

The thing is she used to talk about the other girl to me so, if makes me wonder if perhaps thats why they enjoy each others company as they just seem to bitch about everyone.

One of them talks about the other to me quite often - well they did until all this started happening.

What gets me is that I was friends with each of them seperately before they became friends, they only became friends through me.