Discovered Husbands affair 4 weeks before daughters wedding!

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Please please give me some advice. I have been married 35 years, I thought happily. Last year (exactly!) I was advised by my husband's mistress that they had been having an affair for 5 years. My husband admitted it all moved out and we gradually began to talk, discuss our issues and realise we are soul mates. I agreed to meet him but never had return home. My daughters were advised of the issue (by me!) and after time re built their relationship with their Dad. We has all been very happy until I was again advised by his mistress that he they met 1 last time for a hoilday for break up sex, and he has always remained in contact with her. My husband admitted it all. My daughter marries in 4 weeks time and my husband has begged me not to say anything and 'forget the whole thing'. My daughter of 29 would cancel the wedding I know and has always wanted her Dad to walk her down the aisle. I am under terrible strain, what do I do? No one else knows of this latest bomb shell

Your daughter is a 29 year old adult and doesn't need protecting. She can decide for herself what if any consequences her father's infidelity to her mother should have on her wedding day.

This isn't your decision to make and this isn't your secret to protect. His mistress keeps telling on him, and you keep protecting him. Why?

I think you really have to tell your DD otherwise she will look back at the wedding day as being a farce. Your H is a cunt and only thinking of himself when he begs you not to tell her.
Your daughter has the right to decide what to do about her wedding and it is 4 weeks away, she shouldn't be going blindly into a wedding thinking her dad has reformed when he is just still a cunt.
Please let your DD make up her own mind, you are doing her no favours hiding this..

Thank you all so very much for your frank and useful contributions. I should clarify a few points: My husband actually lives in the house next door to me with a joined garden. I kicked him out the first minute I found out about his affair and he now lives in the house we used to rent out.
In terms of walking down the aisle, not desperately an issue as she has always said she wanted us both to do that or even just me. It is not a traditional wedding but in a local hotel, no speeches, no bridesmaids no readings no hymns just a great celebration. I have always stood back and let both my daughters make their own decisions since they were really young, within clothes, decorating their room (green and purple at one point, but hey!) and making friends that other people avoided (always their choice, not mine) eventually both went to university paying their own way as VERY independent women. Both daughters now own property and both have amazing and satisfying jobs and lovely relationships with their partners. I guess what I am now thinking is HE should tell them and SHE should decide IF she even wants him at her wedding. I know she is very strong but she does have a special bond with her Dad, BUT she may then hate her wedding day in retrospect and her wedding day photographs IF he is there and finding out. Its all mad, I have a degree for Christ's sake,and in a very challenging career working with children who have emotional dis orders due to terrible parenting, I wonder if that is why I hold back?

So your husband moved out, never moved back? Were you therefore no longer in a relationship? I'm not getting why you say he comes round and acts all loving to his kids: what is wrong with this?

Tell her. If you keep it a secret until after the wedding you will spoil her memories.
She will be looking back and thinking about all the times you were faking it or covering up for him. Don't do it.

Hi Shizzlestix, I actually encouraged the re building of trust and relationship with my daughters towards their dad before the gulf became too wide and it worked as we were all civil and accepted with maturity what had happened. I have encouraged us all to have meals in my house on their Birthday so that we can discuss frankly what happened (the first time) and this was very healing and progress was made. What I am hating though is the act their father NOW puts on when they come to my house and he knocks at the door when they arrive and he acts as if nothing else has occured. He almost 'dares me' me to in his words 'break their hearts', this is emotional blackmail which I would always challenge normally but this is a unique time. It is the false notion that he perpetuates that he has reformed that guts me most

She needs to know as soon as possible so she has time to work through her emotions and work out what she wants.

Give him an ultimatum; either he tells her this weekend, or you will. And make it clear you won't hold back and will be completely honest about everything

And please don't worry. You won't be blamed or held responsible for "ruining" this time. He will quite rightly be held responsible as well he should and you should not feel guilty. You haven't caused any of this. He has. It's is solely on him.

Thank you so much madgingermunchkin. You sound lovely and are making me feel much better and stronger about what I may have to do. I told my girls about the last affair because he refused, and I supported them in their 'grief', seems like I have bigger balls than him and may have to do this AGAIN!

He's not going to tell them. And you're both infantilising your daughters by trying to 'protect' them. You are separated from their father. You live apart. He has a new (ongoing) relationship with the ow.

I think you all need to draw a line under the marriage - it sounds harsh but you all seem to be clinging on to this notion of a united family when clearly your H has moved out and moved on and your daughters need to know and accept that.

Your husband has acted terribly, and soul mates you are not.

I think you should be totally honest with your adult daughters.

But there is no reason why he should not have a close and loving relationship with his daughters if that is what both sides want. He may no longer love you, but I guess he loves his children and vice versa.

You need to let them decide. If they have accepted the situation thus far with maturity, this latest 'bombshell' may not be so hard to take. You and your husband were presumably on the road to divorce anyway as you were living apart?

I don't understand why your DD would cancel her wedding? Are you sure this isn't just a load of bollocks/emotional blackmail your DH is trying?

I agree with PP - you have to tell her. If you don't she may never forgive you.

Why should your ex get away with his appalling behaviour? Tell him he has a week to tell DD, or you will. If he bottles it, tell her, she'll cope. It's not great, but it's not the end of the world. Yes, I think your job might influence the way you feel. I too work with vulnerable kids. Your DD isn't a kid though, she's a bright young woman who deserves the truth. Worse case scenario, she flips out and cuts him off. So what, she still gets married to the man she loves, you get to see it and be a part of it without putting on an act and walking on eggshells. Her father might learn that if you shit on your own doorstep, there's a price to pay, we can but hope.Let this wedding be about bride and groom, not you and ex. She'll cope, so will you. And living in the same street as your ex. I struggle with mine living in thevsame time zone xx

I'm sorry but I have misunderstood / don't get it.
Do your daughters think their parents are still "together" and still in a relationship after the affair was first discovered and revealed? Or do they know you are separated and the marriage is over? if it's the second what is so surprising / shocking about their father being in a relationship with someone else etc??

Your daughter needs to be the person who decides whether or not she wants to be walked down the aisle by somone who clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about his own wedding vows. Tell him to tell her.

I don't get it either. Are you together or separated? He's never moved back in, you talk of inviting him to meals with them at your house?

Hi GiddyGiddyGoat
We are seperated, have been for a year. Never divorced (we share a business and have debts) and agreed to put divorce on hold whilst we tried to resolve our issues. We both agreed that we had no interest in anyone else and because of our huge past history I guess we both, and everyone else assumed that at SOME time we may get back together. He has been telling me for 7 months that he loves me, constantly cries when I discuss divorce and refuses to move on, doing little things for me every day. I guess he has worn me down and I kinda enjoyed the feeling of being 'wooed' (his words) but always kept my guard up and had no physical relations with him. I just wanted to see what would happen 'organically', stupid maybe and now I am ashamed that perhaps I enjoyed having the control and possibly the thought of re unite as a romantic ideal. Guess I have been played and I played also? Time to divorce move on and stop this grey area of no mans land, where no one knows status of our relationship.

What a dick. So he's been making all the right noises, while still carrying on with her, and hoping that he would be able to have his cake and eat it?

You have nothing to be ashamed of and you are not stupid. You trusted and believed a man who made wedding vows to you. No one can blame you for that.

But now you really know the truth, it is time to do what you know you need to do (I know it hurts, but your better off with out his dead weight).

Your daughters are strong independent women, because they were raised by one . Time to give them a masterclass in how to be on with grace and dignity

I agree, as strong woman they are capable of making their own decisions, stop protecting him.

He's shown his true colours again. A five year affair doesn't just end like that and is usually taken underground.

The mistress is probably fed up of being a mistress/being strung along and wants him all to herself or she's hoping you knowing, will stop him reeling her back into the affair.

You see he wants you and her. He had the opportunity to not continue the marriage with you, but he wants to cake eat forever.

He's the standard MM.

Hi OP,

Sorry you are going through this, but at the risk of being painfully blunt, this is YOUR drama. You are very strongly identified with your daughter/s and assume their reaction mirrors yours. It does not - or at least it shouldn't. Your DH has betrayed YOU. He has been sexually unfaithful over a long period of time and totally betrayed your trust. He has rewritten your future and what you thought was your history. You cannot underestimate what he has done to your sense of self. However he has not been unfaithful to your daughters and they must figure out their own reaction to him, and not have it brokered or dictated by you.

I have been in your daughter's position. My parents split up messily when I was in my mid-twenties. My mother closely identified with me and expected me to react to my father's affairs in the same way that she did. She brought me 'in' to their relationship in a way that I now see as completely damaging and inappropriate for me. She didn't allow me to have my own response to the hurt that he had caused her and the hurt that he obviously caused me by hurting her. I think she was wrong to do this and it harmed not only my relationship with my father but it also severely affected my self-esteem and my own relationships with men - basically I pushed nice men away from me and was unhappy and single for many years at a time when I should have been enjoying trying out relationships for myself. I felt as if she kept me 'on her side' and it wasn't good for my emotional health.

I think what I am trying to say is that you need to separate your feelings about the betrayal from those you expect your daughter to have. Something about your posts makes me think that you half-want your daughter to have a massive meltdown and abandon her own wedding because your unfaithful husband was a bit more unfaithful than first thought.

It is up to you whether you invite your unfaithful husband round for family meals etc. It seems to me he has forfeited the right to play happy families. Why do you facilitate him? You have no need to facilitate your daughters' relationship with their father... they are well old enough to sort this out for themselves. Is it that you are so used to brokering family life that you are loath to let that go yourself?

I would say, do try to detach your response to the failure of your marriage and the shittiness of your husband and his OW from that of your dos. Do tell your daughter about the latest developments because there is no point in hiding it from her, but don't be disappointed if she decides to go ahead with the the wedding with her father walking her up the aisle. If she decides that's what she wants, then try your best to accept that with dignity.

I have been married twice, as my father died when I was young so my brothers' in law walked me down the aisle. This was lovely but in retrospect it should have been my mother, as she was the person who was constantly there for me. That wasn't even thought of then. Tell your daughter and tell her you will be on her side whatever she decides, his actions his problem, you have always been there

Hi Hillfarmer, thank you for your wise and insightful comments. I actually agree that I expected my daughters reaction to be the same as mine and I now realise that I may have brokered their reconciliation within an unnatural period of time perhaps to continue 'happy families'. For that I am in the wrong and wish I could turn back the clock and do some things differently. I really do not want or expect her to cancel the wedding, she is after all her own person. Your right I now realise I have facilitated him, I will ensure that I detach my response from my daughters and I will very positively learn from your experience. I have learnt so much from you, are you a professional mediator or relate professional? Many thanks

So, your exh was unfaithful and your daughters know that but have rebuilt a relationship with him. He is still being unfaithful and you believe that if your engaged daughter was to find this out that she would cancel her own wedding? Did I get that right?

What Hillfarmer said. It's your problem not your dd's. It's your marriage not hers. Your ex has betrayed you not his daughters.

As you are actually not in a relationship with your ex at the moment his repeated betrayal doesn't really seem very surprising. I'd just smile politely and be civil at the wedding for your daughter's sake.

And start divorce proceedings the minute the confetti has been swept up.

You are very kind OP. Not a professional but have done a shed-load of therapy! Good luck with it all, glad my experience helped. Be honest with your daughters - perhaps when the wedding dust has settled, tell them that you feel you've gone a bit wrong as per your last post and let them know you're not going to facilitate 'happy families' any more. It's not healthy for you, that they are grown-up enough to have their own relationship with their dad and you need to allow yourself to divorce him.