Need advice on maintenance please!

[Vintagegirl1]

Recently separated from dh. Had posts on here under various names over the years where I was told he was financially abusive. Background-he works very long hours in stressful job,I am sahm to 3 (2 with sen) Mortgage in his name only which he pays,plus all bills and food. I have never had access ton"his" bank account and had to ask for money and was given £20 per week.
Found out he was lying about money again,telling me we didn't have any and then changed pin number on account so I couldn't get cash out and also lied that the machine swallowed his card. Final straw so asked him to leave. He is currently staying at his parents and says he will continue to pay mortgage/council tax but will not give me any maintenance. I have contacted cms but was given conflicting advice.
So my question is can he refuse to pay maintenance because he is still paying the mortgage?

[citybushisland]

Yes, if you are not working £700 sounds about right, also maintenance is not counted for Tax Credits but would be for unemployment benefits.

[NameChange30]

Trust your instinct on couple's counselling. It's not recommended for abusive relationships. You don't have to do it if you don't want to.

[Vintagegirl1]

Dh would scoff at the notion he was financially abusive. I told him he is he said it works both ways as I used his credit card without asking. I did spend £1500 but in fairness considering I had 10 years where he didn't give me any money at all and I survived on the cb,I don't think that's a huge amount!
I honestly think he thinks that the the counsellor will agree with him and berate me for not having a job!

[NameChange30]

Of course he would. Abusers never even admit that they're in the wrong, let alone abusive.

[dungandbother]

I get £150 a week whilst working. It pays my childcare.
Get that claim in, but don't tell him! Let the lawyer sort him out

[Vintagegirl1]

I cannot afford a lawyer and there are none round here that do free half hour. He got payed today and transferred £60 into my bank account. He is still paying mortgage,council tax,house bills etc. So with the £60 I need to pay food for week £30,school dinners £12 and my dad dancing fees £7.50. Tbf he did ask if it was enough but I still feel crap and guilty asking him for money😐

[NameChange30]

Has your tax credits application form arrived yet?
Have you asked Women's Aid or Rights of Women about legal aid?

[Vintagegirl1]

Yes I got the tax credit form today and sent it off. I am in scotland and getting legal aid for civil stuff is nye on impossible.

[NameChange30]

Glad you got the form and sent it off, well done. Fingers crossed it won't take too long before the payments start - if you're struggling and need them to process your claim more quickly you can give the tax credits helpline another call.

Sorry you can't get legal aid, is there any other legal help you might be able to get? Do you think Women's Aid could advise on that?

[Vintagegirl1]

Well we had the intial appointment with marriage guidance tonight. I know I was advised against it but we have been getting on slightly better and want to make sure kids are ok. It was horrible. He basically said all the things that I knew he would that I am lazy and that all our problems come from me not having a job. He tried to make out he 8s some kind of superman who works 12 hours a day and spends all weekend doing things with kids. I did tell the counselor that I don't have acess to the money he earns but it wasn't really addressed as was only intial appointment. She did ask dh why if he was so keen on my going to work why he had not helped me by helping me learn to drive or paying so I could retrain. She said they will help me work on my confidence and self esteem but I don't know if I want to go back.

[NameChange30]

It's so hard not to say I told you so.
You need individual counselling to work on your confidence and self esteem. Not couple's counselling, which will allow him to undermine it more than help you to build it up.
Did the counsellor offer/suggest an individual session with each of you before continuing the joint sessions? She should have done that at the very least.
Please don't go back there with him.

[Vintagegirl1]

She suggested that we have a couple of joint sessions then individual ones. I was upset by the fact that she seemed to make no recognition of the contribution I have made by staying at home with our 3 kids,just went on about building my confidence so I could get a job. She did also say to my dh that he seemed to hold all of the cards and that it was his way or the high way so I think she saw through him even though he was being very measured.
I do want to go back even if it's only so I can put my side of the story across.

[NameChange30]

Good luck with that!!!

[Lifeisabloodysoap]

Op you say you are in Scotland. I am too and I have a fantastic lawyer who does legal aid if it is any use to you?

[Vintagegirl1]

I understand your point Another Emma but I have to sort through my own feelings. I know the way my dh has behaved and treated me is wrong but I can't get rid of the guilt. When you have someone constantly putting the job you do down (looking after dcs) and blaming our crap lifestyle all on me not having a job then you start to believe it.
To the poster who mentioned a lawyer,I live outside glasgow?

[NameChange30]

I understand that you really want someone to defend you to your DH and you really want him to apologise or at the very least acknowledge that he is wrong about this. So I totally understand your motivation for attending the couple's counselling. However, I think it's extremely unlikely that it will achieve what you want/hope. I'm just worried that it will make you feel worse, and more guilty, because it's another opportunity for him to blame you. Of course it's your choice as to whether to attend the counselling. I just hope that you will also consider contacting Women's Aid, because they will listen to your side of the story, they'll get it, and they'll help you to feel better and stronger. They might be able to provide or point you in the direction of individual counselling, which I think would be about 1000000% more helpful that couple's counselling.

I don't know whether you're using Relate or another counselling service? But you might find this thread interesting:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2579834-Relate-and-abusive-relationships

[LisaPepper]

A good point was made by Everytimeref: register a home rights notice with the Land Registry if you are not on the Title Deeds (i.e. not a registered owner). It is free to do. He could remortgage or transfer the property to a relative and you wouldn't know. You can do it yourself on the Land Registry website.
Another post mentioned a Separation Agreement - that's appropriate if you don't intend to divorce, but it's not as "water tight" as the legal documentation you obtain from the court if you divorce and the finances are sorted out. No-one needs to go to court to obtain the docs, but without it there is no "clean break." I am glad to hear you have been to a CAB. There is a good one at the Royal Courts of Justice if you are in London. You might be able to obtain Legal Aid as another post mentioned; also there are circumstances where your husband has to pay your costs so that you have a solicitor.
Don't rule out mediation. The costs are a "drop in the ocean" compared to court, take a fraction of the time, and a good mediator would ensure balanced participation in your discussions. If he is willing to try it then ask him to pay for it and a meeting for you to see a solicitor too. It will work out more expensive for him if you don't have a solicitor. His lawyer will want you to have a solicitor.
As to the shared care arrangements, if your eldest is 10 then the Court would want to know what they were saying they wanted to do (and therefore likely your 7 year old's view too). A 10 year old's view won't be determinative but the Court will consider it. You can see a mediator who is qualified as a Direct Consultant with Children - so if you are comfortable, they can speak to the children and feedback what they want. The outcome could be to have a Parenting Agreement. You can look at one on the CAFCASS (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) website. You don't need to go to Court to have a Parenting Agreement but it will set out when the children are with him and some principles about how you will co-parent now you are separated.

[Vintagegirl1]

Thank you Another Emma, I know what you saying is 100% correct. During the session he was trying to pretend that he was prepared to take some of the blame but even the counselor saw that he essentially blamed everything on me. I contacted womans aid this morning and I am waiting on them phoning me back with an appointment. Although I am still really,really struggling with accepting he is truly abusive😧

[NameChange30]

Oh I'm so glad you contacted Women's Aid, well done for doing that. I hope they can offer you an appointment very soon.

It must be very hard to accept that he is abusive. If it would help you to do some reading, here are some useful links:
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles

Take care of yourself. This is a difficult time but you will get through it.