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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice on maintenance please!

69 replies

Vintagegirl1 · 17/08/2016 16:00

Recently separated from dh. Had posts on here under various names over the years where I was told he was financially abusive. Background-he works very long hours in stressful job,I am sahm to 3 (2 with sen) Mortgage in his name only which he pays,plus all bills and food. I have never had access ton"his" bank account and had to ask for money and was given £20 per week.
Found out he was lying about money again,telling me we didn't have any and then changed pin number on account so I couldn't get cash out and also lied that the machine swallowed his card. Final straw so asked him to leave. He is currently staying at his parents and says he will continue to pay mortgage/council tax but will not give me any maintenance. I have contacted cms but was given conflicting advice.
So my question is can he refuse to pay maintenance because he is still paying the mortgage?

OP posts:

Everytimeref · 17/08/2016 17:07

If you wish to remain in property then you will be expected to pay mortgage yourself at some stage. Although he might have to pay spousal maintenance to help with this depending on the whole financial situation.

Original poster

Vintagegirl1 · 17/08/2016 17:14

Hi thanks for all the advice. I have contacted benefits office and have been told I can apply for jsa and would possibly get a small amount of tax credits. I really don't care about staying in the house,I hate it anyway. It is dh who refuses to sell. To the poster who mentioned something about a credit card,I don't have one. I don't even have a debit card,my account is so old I only have a cash card and banks will not let me open a new account without any credit history.

OP posts:

THirdEeye · 17/08/2016 17:26

Were you married when the house was bought?

If you were, then the house would be deemed a marital asset, meaning you would be entitled to half. Also, you do realise that you are also entitled to some of his pension?

I would contact WA and in regards to mediation I wouldn't do it. It is well known that abusers use mediation to manipulate you/the mediator.

THirdEeye · 17/08/2016 17:28

If some of your DC's have SEN, would you be entitled to some kind of carers allowance (maybe check this)?

Original poster

Vintagegirl1 · 17/08/2016 17:35

No we were not married when bought the house. Got married about 6 months later. No dcs not entitled to benefits. The mediation dh mentioned was through marriage guidance but I told him I would prefer to just deal with cms. He honestly believes that he is the wronged party here! He thinks not giving me access to any money was fine as he paid all bills so what did I have to whinge about.
In the interest of full disclosure I should also say he has cheated with 2 prostitues (3some) he has refused to tell me the full story of this and insists to this day (10 years later) that he did not have sex with them. i also strongly suspect he cheated with one of his co workers (told me he did while drunk then denied it when sober)

OP posts:

dungandbother · 17/08/2016 17:40

Vintage he is vile. He is irrelevant to your new life and his point of view is not gospel.

The house is both of yours. It became both of yours the second you got married.

His pension is now also partly yours!

Look at life in three month blocks. When divorcing, everything takes so long.
Not much is going to change in the next three months. He is paying the roof. You just need to get strong and start to plan your divorce.

First off, get copies of all the paperwork. Everything you can find, take photos if need be and save to cloud.

dungandbother · 17/08/2016 17:40

Can you ask his parents for money to feed the children?

GodImbored · 17/08/2016 17:43

Are your children not entitled to dla? Have you applied?

Original poster

Vintagegirl1 · 17/08/2016 17:46

Then why does he make me feel so guilty?😧 I know he has hugely resented being the sole breadwinner for years and would shout at me to get a job. But how was I supposed to do that when he works 13 to 14 hours a day and refused to discuss childcare options? Don't worry I can use the child benefit for food so we are not starving.

OP posts:

dungandbother · 17/08/2016 17:53

Vintage - this is why he is vile. He has been abusive to you for so long that you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

If you can get some work, you can claim tax credits for the childcare.... there are various stipulations over number of hours and the provider has to be registered.

You need to bubble wrap yourself against anything and everything he has ever said or says in the future.

Please follow the advice of the posters who talk about abusive relationships and speak to Womens aid etc.

I think you should ask his parents for money anyway. Would that shame him?

Original poster

Vintagegirl1 · 17/08/2016 18:00

I have been nc with his parents for 2 years after Mil took the huff because I refused to continue going to their house at Xmas. They would not give me money,they despise me and support dh fully in the belief that I am a lazy good for nothing. Dh always used to say that his mum would watch kids while I worked. Ha ha, ha! She told me to my face no way!

OP posts:

ponyprincess · 17/08/2016 18:05

For the DCs' sleeping arrangements it is probably ok. Mine are similar age (a bit older) and DD and DS share when at STBXH. Not ideal but I pick my battles and as he is v difficult on bigger issues I don't fight that one even though DC are not been on it...they can tell him!

user1471422849 · 17/08/2016 18:17

Stop communicating with him except by email and even then keep it as short and to the point as possible: "Yes, that's fine/No, that doesn't work." He sounds like a real manipulative bastard. Claim everything you are entitled to via the CMS. Get the ball rolling on your divorce. If, long-term, you don't want to be in the house, plan to move out. If he doesn't want to sell he will need to pay you your share. Let the kids go to him as long as there are no concerns about their safety. See if a bank will let you put money on pre-paid cards to begin with, or a starter account.

NameChange30 · 17/08/2016 18:40

OP, it is very important that you get legal advice. As a victim of domestic abuse, you will be entitled to legal aid, but you will need to provide evidence of the abuse. Please see the Rights of Women website page on family law legal aid, it has a PDF guide and a list of the evidence required. I also suggest that you call their free helpline for advice on your specific situation.

Please, please get advice from Women's Aid and Rights of Women. You need specialist support to get away from this man with your finances intact.

NameChange30 · 17/08/2016 18:47

"I emailed women's aid last week and did not get a reply so presumed they didn't class this as abuse?"

You are completely wrong about this OP. They haven't replied to your email because they don't have the resources to reply. It has absolutely nothing to do with them thinking it's not abuse and you don't need their help - it is abuse and you do need them. I suggest you call them on 0808 2000 247, if the line is busy you might have to try again another time, but at least you will be able to speak to someone rather than waiting for an email reply.

NameChange30 · 17/08/2016 18:54

When you spoke to Citizens Advice, did they do a benefits check for you?

You will definitely be entitled to child tax credits, and you will probably be entitled to other benefits as well, depending on their ages and disabilities.

If Citizens Advice didn't do a benefits check, please contact them again and ask for one.

Meanwhile you can request a child tax credits application form online at www.gov.uk/child-tax-credit/how-to-claim

(Sorry about all my posts!)

user1467966570 · 17/08/2016 19:03

You might try Co op bank for a cash minder account. It's a basic bank account but might suit your needs. As your husband has now left you definitely need to get in touch with tax credits as soon as possible. It's about £60 per week per child.

NameChange30 · 17/08/2016 19:05

Most banks offer basic bank accounts.
And the child tax credit amount depends on a lot of factors, there is no set weekly amount per child. For example, other income, and whether the children are disabled.

Original poster

Vintagegirl1 · 17/08/2016 19:11

Sorry I know I sound like a right idiot (I'm really not!) but how do tax credits work? Do I have to claim other benefits like jsa to receive them? I don't want to apply for jsa unless I really have to,would rather try and get a job first. Also if dh is paying mortgage/council tax will this mean I can't get tax credits?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 17/08/2016 19:15

You don't sound like an idiot at all. Benefits and tax credits can be confusing, especially if you've never claimed before.

You can claim child tax credits even if you're not claiming any other benefits. The fact that your husband is paying the mortgage and council tax doesn't matter.

You can claim JSA while you look for a job (in fact that's the point, it's a benefit for people who are looking for work). However when you claim you will have to attend weekly appointments and update them on your job search.

How old are your children?

dungandbother · 17/08/2016 19:17

Whatever your DH does is not relevant to a benefit claim. Who pays the bills nor whether he pays maintenance. Your children are the factor determining what you get, not him.
Tax credits are separate to JSA but I work so I'm not familiar with the broader benefits situation. Say for example is he wasn't providing the roof over your heads, then you would claim housing benefit which is a very different thing to tax credits.

Go to the entitledto website or back to CAB.

And you're not an idiot. Someone has made you think you are! Well go fool him and prove you're not!

TheHobbitMum · 17/08/2016 19:22

I'm no advice on the abusive arse that is your husband (all advice so far is great!) but wanted to suggest Nationwide for basic account. I don't have credit history and the Nationwide basic account gives you a contact less debit card as standard, then you could shop online etc

Greyanatomy · 17/08/2016 19:38

OP child tax credits are based solely on your income. So if you have no income then you should get them as long as your husband is no longer in the home. If he was then it would be a joint claim and his income would be taken into consideration. I phoned to set mine up recently after my H left. Took around 20 mins to apply. You'll need your national insurance number and bank details for where you want it paid to. The number is 03453003900.

Original poster

Vintagegirl1 · 24/08/2016 11:21

Hi I contacted the tax credits folk and they are sending me a claim form. Going by the online calculator I would be entitled to £700 a month. That can't be right can it? Seems way too much. Dh gave me £50 last week and has asked for my bank details so can transfer cash when he gets paid but has not said how much. I need to find my anger again,just feeling guilty,sad and lonely at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vintagegirl1 · 24/08/2016 12:43

He has slso mentioned marriage guidance again but I am not sure as think he would twist it to suit himself.

OP posts:

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