Cheated at the beginning

[ForestFruits12]

Just wanting to get other people's points of view on this . . .

Going to cut a long story short, but I have found out that my boyf of almost 3 years slept with someone else right at the beginning of our relationship. We were long distance at the time, but I had handed my notice in at work and was planning the move. It happened about a month before I moved in.

I only found out this week, and he doesn't know that I know.

Would you leave? I feel gutted, and it makes me feel sick, but I don't have the urge to go mental or have an argument about it. maybe im in shock. My friends think im crazy for not saying anything.

Has anyone else found out something like this about their partner, but 3 years too late?!

You must talk to him about this, you don't want this hanging over the rest of your relationship - and I agree and it's not arrogant, he will tell you the bare minimum but they all do that, only you can decide if it's a deal breaker or not, personally that early on I'd be inclined to forgive but probably not forget!

Actually quite disturbing the way him and his friend talk about it, just vile, that in itself portrays him as quite the immature git.

I think it's also a big issue that you can tell your friends but haven't discussed it with him. Doesn't sound like a great relationship tbh.

Thanks for the messages.

I didn't ask him about it last night, I kept trying to get the words out but then bottled it. I wanted to look at his phone again, before confronting, but I didn't even do that.

I don't know why I'm stalling so much, I think I'm terrified of the outcome.

sandy
It is absolutely arrogant to presume you "know" the outcome and to make such a sweeping statement before the OP has even spoke to her DP about it.

At least wait until the OP has had a chance to talk to him before making such a definite judgment.

It's a bit like going into any situation expecting someone the worst and guess what, it probably will because you subconsciously led it there.

Giving the OP ideas about going into a discussion already armed with blanket assumptions about how her DP is going to respond is very narrow minded and not likely to yield a good result as she will already be on the defensive which is hardly a good start to what needs to be a mature, honest and open conversation.

So I stand by my original opinion that this is not the most helpful advice.

Domino you clearly have no idea how it works, so I'll let your comments slide. I'm entitled to offer my advice when someone posts for help and like you, I stand by my original comments.

A cheater (unless it's an exit affair) will only admit what you can prove in most cases. To expect total honesty and a full scale confession from someone who has cheated on you is extremely naive at best.

Your expecting an honest cheater. Now what an oxymoron that is.

Well put Sandy.

You need to get it out in the open and find out as much of the truth you can. In,up then can you decide what you want to do.

Fruits take as much time as you need, love. This is a huge shock- he's already a long way ahead of you as he's known about this for a long time, you're still in the early stages of knowing.

You must do what is right for you, we can offer guidance and advice and many people on here can give you the benefit of their own experiences. But you're the one who has to go through this

Domino you clearly have no idea how it works

Another arrogant statement. You have no idea of my experience. But you clearly think you know it all so I'm not going to bother arguing with such a closed and judgmental mind.

Good luck OP. Hope you work things out.

And no, I'm not expecting an honest cheater what a weird thing to say and nothing to do with my post. I was just saying that telling the OP to go in with clear expectations of the outcome is pretty stupid advice.

There is a world of difference between saying "be prepared that he might not tell you the whole truth" to "he won't tell you truth". The first is advice. The second is an arrogant presumption.

I'm sure the OP is not so unintelligent as not to be aware that he might not be completely honest about it without you saying it as absolute fact.

HTH

I would say leave this man. He is most likely a serial cheat.
I have friends like your BF and tbh they never stop.

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, I just want to say I'm so sorry and I'm thinking of you, and I know it's absolutely horrendous now but look after yourself and decide whether this is something you can live with if you decide to stay with him or whether you'll think of it forever in idle moments.

Thanks everyone for your messages.

I met with my best friend last night and spoke about it. I know I should be able to do this with him, but for some reason I can't find the right time. there is probably never going to be a good time, and I know I just need to do it. the words wont come out. if it was one night stand (which I suspect it was), then it opens up so many questions, but the same if it was more than once, I still have all these scenarios rushing through my head.

I still haven't re-read the messages, so I can't really remember what his replies were to his friend, but his friends message (the one that makes me feel sick - 'bet she loved it mate') is making me think that I have no idea who my bf is, and that the whole 3 years have been a lie.

I don't think he has noticed that anything is wrong, as we have had a busy week and not spent much time just me and him.

He spoke this morning about what I wanted to do this weekend, and I know that I almost need to write off the weekend to deal with this with him.

anyway, im just blabbering now. thanks so much again for the messages, they have really helped.

I'm so scared of the answers, that I haven't asked the questions. I swear ive lost weight through anxiety!!

xx

All you can do is confront, it isn't healthy for you to just sit there stewing. Your brain will come up with all sorts of bizarre scenarios. Only you know what's best to do!

When you do talk to him about it, he will probably try to turn it on you by accusing you of snooping and making a big deal out of it. It's a common de-railment tactic. Be prepared.

Thanks Hedda, I think thats one of the reasons im nervous. We dont snoop, & although it looks bad, this was a genuine stumble on an old conversation that caught my eye. Sounds dodgy, but its really not!

I will talk to him about it tomorrow xx

When you do talk to him about it, he will probably try to turn it on you by accusing you of snooping and making a big deal out of it.

^^^ This is why you never reveal your sources of information and stick to saying "I know you've cheated on me"

Some people will reveal to prove to the cheater that they know, so they can stop denying, but the fact is you know he cheated whether he admits it or not.

Guilty people love to turn things round and go on about invading their privacy. This is simply trying to deflect from their cheating.

He is out for most of the day, but I am 100% talking to him about it later. I cant stew on it anymore, & im feeling a bit stronger about the conversation.

Good luck!

Good luck💐

I hope it goes as well as it can

How did it go, op?

Really feel for you OP and wondering how it went.