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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheated at the beginning

74 replies

ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 11:29

Just wanting to get other people's points of view on this . . .

Going to cut a long story short, but I have found out that my boyf of almost 3 years slept with someone else right at the beginning of our relationship. We were long distance at the time, but I had handed my notice in at work and was planning the move. It happened about a month before I moved in.

I only found out this week, and he doesn't know that I know.

Would you leave? I feel gutted, and it makes me feel sick, but I don't have the urge to go mental or have an argument about it. maybe im in shock. My friends think im crazy for not saying anything.

Has anyone else found out something like this about their partner, but 3 years too late?!

OP posts:
allloveknows · 17/08/2016 13:38

Good luck lovely x

Original poster
ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 13:44

He was on tinder when we first met (we didn't meet on there), and I know there was a bit of a grey area where he was still dating/speaking to girls after we started speaking, but I've always been ok with that, as we weren't exclusive at that point.

I'm sat looking at a framed photo taken of us on my bday (he came to visit), and the cheating looks like it happened 2 whole months after that. So there is no argument about if we were exclusive or not. We were.

OP posts:
whimsical1975 · 17/08/2016 13:56

I think you DP's texts in that conversation to his friend will be very telling... By the friend's reply I'm guessing your DP was being all "big man" about whilst ruffling his tail feathers... Have I got this wrong?? Did he sound apologetic at all or like it was a huge regret??

HopefulHamster · 17/08/2016 15:20

I would feel bloody awful about it.

I wonder if he saw it as one last time to get his end away with someone new before settling down?

Would not excuse it, just trying to guess motivation.

Original poster
ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 15:32

I keep thinking that if I had found out about it at the time, then I would have ended it - so why would that be different now? why does time make a difference?

I think I need to see the messages again, as well as talk to him. I was a bit all over the place when I looked the first time. I know what I saw, but I want to read his replies again. I feel like I don't know him.

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 17/08/2016 15:41

at this point in our relationship, I was consumed by him and the thought of our future. I had handed in my notice and was planning the big move (400 miles) to live with him

So, this was NOT at the start of your relationship then, was it?

Original poster
ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 15:48

No, I guess it wasn't when I read that back.

I feel so sick. I don't want to argue with him, I just want to tell him what I've seen and then let him speak.

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 17/08/2016 15:55

Before you reveal your findings, I would be going through his phone/facebook etc, to see if there are other more recent betrayals. At least then you know the full extent of what you may be dealing with. I know this is harder said than done, I am the type of person to blurt something out straight away.

I think also, that what he said to his friend about that previous sexual encounter, will speak volumes about his character, and whether he immediately regretted the whole thing. Was he mortified at what he'd done or was he boastful? That makes a huge difference.

Lily405 · 17/08/2016 15:56

Some people who cheat can change. But I think it depends heavily on if they feel guilty about it. I cheated on my ex after he cheated on me and felt so guilty that I told him the next morning. I couldn't imagine seeing him and not immediately confessing. If someone is missing that level of guilt, I would consider it a major red flag.

Mum24Girlies · 17/08/2016 16:03

Re read this message a few times n thought I'm going have to respond

A similar thing happened to me but it was slightly different.
I got with a guy whilst I was still in a relationship and so was he.
He finished his relationship but I still lived with my ex and he ended up having a one night stand.
He told me about it and I was very hurt.
Part of me understands because technically I was still in a relationship and he was lonely and confused.
I still am very hurt at times but he has been really sorry and we started our relationship.
Since then our trust has grown and I do believe he never meant to hurt me
I think if he means too and he wants you he will explain it all too you and you will survive.

Good luck!

happypoobum · 17/08/2016 16:07

How long had you been dating before he cheated on you? If you were already moving in, then surely it wasn't just a couple of months?

The issue for me would be that I would never trust him again. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust, someone who had successfully and cheerfully lied to me, and then bragged to their mates about it.

Original poster
ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 16:34

We had been talking/visiting each other for around 6 months, although very casual at the start, and by no means exclusive.

it seems like we moved in together quickly, from being long distance, but we were in the same circle of friends when we were young, so we do have a history.

I guess I think of it as 'the beginning' as it was the beginning of us moving in/me moving 400 miles etc, but we had been a couple for a while, and I had started moving my things into his flat etc.

I honestly cant believe this has happened. how could he???

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 17/08/2016 16:47

He'll only admit to what he knows you know.

A suggestion is to tell him you know he's cheated on you and your giving him a chance to tell you everything now, including who knows/who she is/how it happened /where /how long it went on for.

You can say there may be some hope if he's truthful.

VestalVirgin · 17/08/2016 16:49

I keep thinking that if I had found out about it at the time, then I would have ended it - so why would that be different now? why does time make a difference?

Sunk cost fallacy. You already invested in him by quitting the job you had back then, so want to get something out of this relationship, and you think if you stay, he might change and it might be worth it.

Resist that temptation. He will not change. You mentioned that he cheated on a former girlfriend already - he had his chance to change, and he wasted it.

It is quite normal to be too shocked to react if something like that happens. You don't have to have an argument about it. Just plan your life without him.

wheresmybloodygreencard · 17/08/2016 17:07

I am so sorry this happened to you.
I met a guy, and within the first few months he cheated on me. Denied it of course. I was shocked, this was the lovely honeymoon stage. I stayed with him for 6 years. During which time, I found out later, he cheated throughout.
I am divorcing him now.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is an eternal cheater like mine, but yes do gather as much information as you can fund. And know that people are here for you.

wheresmybloodygreencard · 17/08/2016 17:08

*find, not fund.

Original poster
ForestFruits12 · 17/08/2016 17:21

Thanks everyone.

I'm going to busy myself until he gets home, then I think I might try to look at the messages once more, before confronting.

I never thought I would be the type of girl to need to know every single detail, but I feel like I need to know the lot. where it was, who it was, did they spend the night together, have they been in contact since. I have so many questions, but all I want to do is sit and cry. I don't even feel angry.

thanks again everyone.

xxx

OP posts:
whimsical1975 · 17/08/2016 19:21

Sandy was absolutely right when she said he'll admit only to what he knows you know!!!! If you confront him then I truly believe it's in your best interests to say what Sandy suggested - don't tell him the details of what you know, simply say that you have found out he's cheated during the years you have been together and that you are giving him ONE chance to admit every single cheat because you are aware of them. Say THEM!!! Tell him that you have all the proof you need and that if he lies to you now then it's all over. Then be absolutely quiet with a poker face and see what he comes up with. Don't react at all no matter what comes out of his mouth until he's finished (that's assuming he cares enough to be honest).

I've done this with a BF before and I had no proof at all, it was purely a gut instinct. My instinct was so strong that I left work, he was home in the bedroom, I walked in unexpected and told him I knew everything. He was so taken aback that he admitted it. He later told me that he thought the OW was waiting in the lounge and that's why he spilt the beans.

Please don't tell him the specifics of what you know. As hard as it is you need to know the whole truth.

ohfourfoxache · 17/08/2016 19:30

Oh Christ Sad

Thinking of you and offering a virtual hand hold Thanks

dominogally · 17/08/2016 19:45

He'll only admit to what he knows you know.

You don't know the OP's boyfriend or what he will or won't admit to. Ridiculously arrogant statement.

ohfourfoxache · 17/08/2016 20:05

Sadly it's part of the script, Domino - look at any number of threads on here and they all follow the same pattern, including only admitting the minimum Sad

HughLauriesStubble · 17/08/2016 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 18/08/2016 09:20

Hope you're as OK as you can be x

SandyY2K · 18/08/2016 12:40

He'll only admit to what he knows you know.

It's not an arrogant statement. It's standard cheater behaviour. Read around the infidelity boards and see what betrayed spouses and the wayward spouses (who are remorseful) say time and time again.

Then you get TT (trickle truth), as you reveal another thing you know.

The mantra is deny deny deny, because why admit what you think can't be proved.

There are very few cases where you get a full confession without evidence.

user1471520735 · 18/08/2016 13:01

I think you definitely need to talk to him about it otherwise you will constantly be wondering about it. It doesn't look good that he has hidden it from you for so long and I would be worried that this wasn't just a one off.

The fact that he let you uproot your life to be with him when he knew he had been unfaithful makes him seem selfish and uncaring imo.
I have been in a similar situation recently but was told about the cheating straight away. The trust is just not there for me anymore and it is hard but my boyfriend and I are working on it :)