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Original poster

Is anyone in an open relationship and would like to share thoughts?

51 replies

PollyCazaletWannabe · 16/08/2016 16:35

Posted this on the Sex topic but reposting here for traffic. Hope that's okay.

Firstly can I say that I am not interested in hearing from anyone who thinks open relationships are a bad idea. My DH and I have agreed on this and we are extremely happy. Both of us are turned on by the thought of the other with someone else and I would say we have an excellent sex life.
However, it's not exactly the kind of thing you talk about with friends grin so I wondered if there are any Mumsnetters who are in this kind of relationship and would like to chat? How do you manage your boundaries? For example, DH is meeting a girl tomorrow for sex. He knows that I expect him to text me before, after and when possible, during wink and that I will want to know all the details when he gets home. Is this the same for others or do you just let each other get on with it? Just looking to share some thoughts really.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 17/08/2016 07:33

sonlypuppyfat here is my first Biscuit. What a pointless, unpleasant and unintelligent comment.

OP posts:
hesterton · 17/08/2016 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 17/08/2016 08:15

That is a kind and thoughtful post, hesterton, thank you.
I am definitely not seeking a sexual thrill from posting here! I suppose perhaps there may be an element of seeking validation, but mainly, as I say, it is because I have always been used to discussing my life with friends, and not being able to do so feels odd. I can't exactly ask people in real life if they have open relationships, so I thought mumsnet might be a good place to find others who are following a similar lifestyle.

OP posts:
Pisssssedofff · 17/08/2016 08:23

You thought a parenting website might be a good place to find others following a similar lifestyle - Really ???

DoubleCarrick · 17/08/2016 08:32

Hey op. You'll be able to talk a lot more freely on fet life

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 17/08/2016 08:39

Thanks Carrick. I don't want to go on fetlife though. I like mumsnet and have always been able to find good advice on here. Plus, it has such a massive membership that I thought there might be some like-minded individuals here. Pissedoff not all parents have a vanilla sex life!

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 17/08/2016 08:45

Each to their own.

Like previous posters though I do feel a stab of sympathy for the third party, being used to spice up your marriage. I know everyone involved is a willing adult, but that doesn't mean people can't feel exploited and sad afterwards. Do have an eye to their feelings, eh?

Believeitornot · 17/08/2016 08:53

While not all parents have a vanilla sex life, they're unlikely to come here to discuss details.

We come here primarily for parenting chat then it shoots off to other stuff. I find it a bit Confused and 😁 seeing threads such as "my toddler won't sleep" alongside "I want to be a swinger" type threads.

Maybe it is just me.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 17/08/2016 08:57

I could try and get the thread moved to the sex topic. It's just that when I initially posted there I had no responses.

OP posts:
FallenStar3 · 17/08/2016 08:57

What happens if your DH develops feeling to this woman,the woman develops feelings toward you're DH? It's rare people don't associate feelings with sex especially if the encouters are multiple times. It's often the case that third parties utilmately case the marriage to break down. Do you have children? I would hope you would be discreet and ensure you both practice safe sex. I agree I personally don't think Mumsnet is the place to share in you're sexual lifestyle choices.

SlinkyVagabond · 17/08/2016 09:20

"Believeit" why do you think there's a whole sex topic? Were you around for the long running,frank and very eye opening thread about bdsm a few years ago? If you don't like it ignore it. (Me, I'm here cos I'm nosy. Grin Not just, a couple on the periphery of our social circle had an open marriage. Sadly it was just an excuse for one of the couple to shag about whilst the other put up with it as they thought it was the only way to keep the marriage going.)

Pisssssedofff · 17/08/2016 09:29

I get messages from "couples" on online dating things and it is without fail every time the bloke just wants to fuck me like I'm a piece of meat, an unpaid hooker basically. His wife doesn't mind or the poor cow has to watch. I asked one has any girl yet said yes to this lovely suggestion and he admitted no (thank god) nobody has been keen Beyond saucy messages.

It would genuinely upset me to think any woman thinks that's all she's worth and don't give me any crap about the woman enjoying it too, I've had one night stands, my friends have, they leave you cold.

Pisssssedofff · 17/08/2016 09:31

I don't think for a moment there's any worries of the DH developing feelings, he doesn't even have them for his wife - however the bunny boiler scenario I can totally see happening, some poor woman who thinks she's fine with "fun" turns out actually she's not and it goes downhill from there

sonlypuppyfat · 17/08/2016 09:37

It seems to me people think it's so cool to have a relationship like this but how can it be it's all so seedy. Your sat at home knowing what he's doing and your ok with it?

zxcvbnml12 · 17/08/2016 10:33

My ex and I met in a swinging environment - like you PollyCW we were very open in our communication. Ex was quite turned on by the prospect of me playing alone with a woman we had met as part of a couple - in fact she encouraged it as she has massive time constraints. I met the woman a couple of times but failed report on what we had done - she asked for details but it felt weird texting or messaging - I was waiting until I could tell her face to face.

It all came to a head when I met the other woman at a club when ex didn't come with me as she wasn't feeling well (although her last words were "be a good boy - no actually don't be"). When I went to see ex she felt I'd picked other woman over her and she didn't want to be "sloppy seconds". This proved a catalyst in the relationship and we have since split up.

If there is a lesson to be learned its to make sure you know your rules and requirements and stick to them.

Atenco · 17/08/2016 13:21

Just thinking about this, your DH is getting kinky no-strings-attached sex for free?

IMHO women can find any kind of free sex they want, but men generally have to either lie or pay.

ShebaShimmyShake · 17/08/2016 13:24

In my experience, polyamorous relationships (where there are several people actually in the relationship) have a better chance than simply open ones. The common problems seem to be blurring boundaries and one partner, usually the woman in a hetero relationship, wanting to stop and become exclusive again, and the other wanting to continue. (I saw a few couples resolve this by having the willing partner continue to see other people and simply share no details, but it didn't seem to make the other person happy.) There's also the issue of when one partner meets someone a lot younger or more conventionally attractive, and that can cause real insecurity.

I also saw cases where one person slept with a lot more people than the other. Some people didn't mind, some got insecure and it sometimes led to their having sex with someone they really shouldn't have done, or for tge wrong reasons, and that caused distress.

With all that said, lots of couples were able to set boundaries, keep them and be satisfied. Sometimes it took a bad experience to learn where the boundary had to be.

I'll assume you've read The Ethical Slut.

EstellaHavisham · 17/08/2016 17:53

Each to their own and all that but it all just seems so cheap.

ItchyAnkles · 17/08/2016 20:39

OP, try the FabSwingers forums. There are lots of people out there who are into in this sort of thing.

DoubleCarrick · 18/08/2016 11:45

op I hope I didn't offend you - I wasn't sending you away. Merely that I have found that fet life was a useful, freeing place to be Flowers

EstellaHavisham · 18/08/2016 12:14

Am I right in thinking that none of this has taken place yet OP? Have either of you dabbled with others while you've been together or is this still to happen?
I worry that it may turn out that the reality doesn't match the fantasy. I do know a couple that thought like you and your DH but when it actually happened and he shagged another woman my friend fell to bits and couldn't cope with it. She realised that while the fantasy for her was hot, the reality made her feel sick and she couldn't forgive him (even though it was what she wanted!)
Have you had experience of DH being with someone else or is this still to occur?

Atenco · 18/08/2016 14:46

"I do know a couple that thought like you and your DH but when it actually happened and he shagged another woman my friend fell to bits and couldn't cope with it."

The ex of a friend of mine suggested they have an open relationship but it turned out as soon as she started to indulge he lost his rag.

Original poster
PollyCazaletWannabe · 18/08/2016 15:27

It has happened before yes, and it happened again last night and I am still very excited by it :) and to those who have asked, we have been lucky enough to find a few like -minded people here who are also turned on by sharing the experience. To those who think it is 'seedy', I can't explain it but in a way for us that is part of the thrill.

I should add that we are a very affectionate couple, that we also enjoy soft, gentle sex and that our friends always comment on how happy we seem and how comfortable we are with each other. I can understand why it's hard to believe that this is possible, but honestly we see this as just a sexual 'kink' that we enjoy, as others might enjoy BDSM or dressing up. You'd be surprised how many people share our views too Wink

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 18/08/2016 15:56

If it makes you happy and no one gets hurt.........

EstellaHavisham · 18/08/2016 16:50

I think then if you've already done this and it's been a buzz for you then crack on Grin

If it was me I'd worry about DH developing feelings for someone else (we can't predict when that happens) or other people getting hurt even if they say they are cool with it. But I suppose as long as you keep communication flowing it's all good.

It's not a lifestyle I would choose but then you're not me so it's cool Grin

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