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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship advice - he has no sexual urges anymore

28 replies

Sportygirl123 · 16/08/2016 15:46

Hi everyone,

I’ve only been on here for the last few weeks and this is my first forum post. I just wanted a bit of advice.

I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for nearly 4 years. We are happy together and he has started hinting that he would like to marry me in the not so distant future. As happy as I am, there is one thing missing in our relationship …. Sex. In the first year we were very sexual and intimate. Over the last 3 years it has totally stopped. I have tactfully mentioned this to him over the last few months and he is either “too tired”, “too stressed” or “not in the mood”. Aside from this he is very affectionate, always hugging and kissing me, always telling me he loves me etc.

I just wanted a bit of advice from others. He is the first person I have really “connected” with and I am really happy. There is just a niggling voice in my head that makes me question whether I can stay with someone long term who has no sexual urges. Another thing to mention is that we both want children and he has been discussing us trying for children in the coming weeks… which is great but I don’t just want to have sex to have a child then it stop again.

Sorry if my post is a bit all over the place, I would welcome some advice on what other people’s perspective is.

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/08/2016 15:51

How old are you both?

I'd be advising you to cut your losses now, quite honestly. Mismatched sex drives can be a problem but a sexless relationship is death unless both of you are happy with that. You clearly aren't, he clearly is. You therefore want different things and aren't compatible.

adora1 · 16/08/2016 15:51

If you want a relationship whether married or not that involves physical and sexual activity then do not marry him, your voice is there for good reason, why does he not want sex, it sounds very odd.

Original poster

Sportygirl123 · 16/08/2016 15:55

StillDrSethHazlittMD, I am beginning to wonder if our age gap is the issue. Don't judge but I am 25 and he is 38. I am beginning to wonder if it may be an age related thing but don't know. Thats why I am beginning to think things through because I REALLY want children ASAP while I am in my prime but want to make sure I am with the right person before doing so. My current partner would be an excellent father and is really caring. That is why there is the dilemma and there is no one I can talk to about it (which is why I am posting here).

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 16/08/2016 15:56

I agree with adora It seems very weird.

What ages are you, may I ask?

Original poster

Sportygirl123 · 16/08/2016 15:57

adora1 thanks for your reply. That is why I am in a bit of a dilemma. On one hand I would love to have a sexual relationship but on the other I am happy to be with someone who is so kind and caring and in every other way is the "perfect" partner.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sportygirl123 · 16/08/2016 15:58

Hi TheNaze73, I am 25 and he is 38.

OP posts:

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 16/08/2016 15:59

My ex was 11 years older than me. We met when I was 26 and she was 37. Great first few years, age gap not noticeable. But not long after 40 her sex drive took a nosedive (it had only been great at the beginning and tailed off not long after I moved in). Became a totally sexless relationship. After several years I left, it had destroyed my self esteem and made me feel totally unloved and undesired. She even admitted she had never had much of a sex drive but did plenty at the beginning to "catch" me. I wasted many unhappy years of my prime. Honestly, it will not get better. You are still SO young and have plenty of time to find someone else. He is not the right person for you. I'm sorry, but he isn't.

Goingtobeawesome · 16/08/2016 15:59

ask him how he expects to have a baby when you never have sex.

Don't marry him when four years in you feel like this.

It's soul destroying.

If he's unwell, GP, if he just doesn't want too, think about what you really want for the next 50 year.

TellMeSomethingNew · 16/08/2016 16:04

OP I've been in a sexless relationship before (which was my "fault") and it was bloody awful. In the end I had to end it. Find someone who can't take his hands off you and vice versa!

GodImbored · 16/08/2016 16:06

No sex for three years?! No way should you enter into marriage and children (how?) with a man with no sexual urges. Btw I have a good 20 years on you and men my age and older still want and have a fulfilling regular sex life.

Sometimes the advice on here is therapy and gp tests but I wouldn't bother in your case. It's not as if you are in a long marriage. There are plenty of men in their 20s who are kind and caring but who also want sex.

adora1 · 16/08/2016 16:06

Ask yourself are you going to be happy in 20 years time with a sexless relationship, of course not, probably not even in five.

He's 38 so still very young, does he not want to find out why he has no sexual urges, surely it bothers him?

He sounds more like a friend, keep him that way.

Original poster

Sportygirl123 · 16/08/2016 16:06

Thanks so much for the advice. StillDrSethHazlittMD wow, your situation sounds like mine! When I think about it the sex totally stopped not long after I moved in with him (I moved in with him after a year). It has made me start to question if its my fault (although he is always quick to tell me how pretty I am, how much he loves me, etc)

Maybe I need to be a bit more blunt with him. It is just a hard topic to discuss, I suppose like bringing up your partners weight. Every time I try to gently bring it up he gets a bit defensive and a bit hurt. It just feels silly to break up over a lack of sex but at the end of the day, it is a relatively important part of a relationship.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 16/08/2016 16:08

Wise words TellMe exactly how it should be.

You should be living Op, not existing. Sex is so important. Surprised his drive is that low, at only 38.

adora1 · 16/08/2016 16:10

Silly? This is massive OP, ignore at your peril.

As has been said, you want to be desired, touched, made love to, he clearly cannot give you any of that so what's the point.

bert3400 · 16/08/2016 16:16

38 is not old ..my husband is 38 and wants it every night pretty much ( we have been together 18 years) so I would definitely be worried . Is he depressed ? does he seek it else where such as porn ?

Goingtobeawesome · 16/08/2016 16:20

He's bullying you too. Him stropping when you want to discuss something that bothers you is out of order. He knows he's making you unhappy. How does that square with he loves you?

Original poster

Sportygirl123 · 16/08/2016 16:22

Thanks for the advice everyone, for me to post of a forum there clearly is something wrong. Prior to being with him, I was in a 2 year relationship (if you can even call it that!) with someone who was very controlling (alienated me from my friends and made me loose alot of confidence by telling me what I should and should not wear) but he was also very sexual.

I guess I am a bit scared of walking away from my current partner and ending up back with someone like my ex who was my own age, sexual but abusive.

Well, my partner is out with his friends this evening but I will have to raise the issue with him tomorrow. I am beginning to think it HAS to be medical, I cannot think of any other reason why you would suddenly totally loose your sex drive. I mean when I met him he used to watch porn and want me to watch it too but this again totally stopped when he lost his sex drive. I just can't get my head round it

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/08/2016 16:28

I'd just like to caution you against having a child with him anyway.

At 25 you're in a completely different place to a 38 year old. Those 13 years make a tremendous difference.

Don't be in too much of a rush to have children now, especially as the relationship isn't perfect. There's still plenty of time. Make the most of your twenties and travel and work hard and save something for a rainy day. Make the most of your freedom and your ability to go out whenever you want. Don't tie yourself down with someone who gave up on a sexual relationship years ago - when you were 22, for god's sake - and who isn't doing anything to help it get back to normal.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/08/2016 17:02

What the other respondents have written also.

He has done nothing to address his lack of sex drive and I would certainly not bring a child into this (why would you want to?). I would also state he is also using his power and control here in this relationship by withholding sex and not telling you why either. You cannot marry each other in such circumstances; doing so is frankly stupid.

I would look at enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this will help you move forward as well; it is for women who have been in abusive relationships.

MatildaTheCat · 16/08/2016 17:12

Don't consider marrying a man who refuses to discuss the important things in life.

He needs to be honest. Maybe he's never been sexual, many men will manage to have sex early in the relationship and then get comfortable and give up. Or maybe he has a physical problem so he needs to see his GP for a thorough check. Yes, his GP will take this seriously. Or it may be psychological in which case he would need to undertake therapy and commit to change.

If he won't even talk I suggest you walk.

MsStricty · 16/08/2016 19:43

"I am beginning to think it HAS to be medical, I cannot think of any other reason why you would suddenly totally loose your sex drive."

It can also be psychological. Once the excitement of distance and obstacles wears off, some relationships can't transition into long-term sexuality, and a kind of parent-child dynamic sets in. When this happens, sex obviously has to stop, because on an unconscious level, it is verboten. I'd be suggesting that is your problem over and above something mechanical.

PaperdollCartoon · 16/08/2016 20:03

OP you sound very much like me. Also been with wonderful, loving DP for 4 years, sex for the last 3 has been difficult, though not non-existent which is what it sounds like you're saying? Forgive me if I've got that wrong. We're on about 8 times a year as an average (though we've managed about 8 times so far this year which is positive as its only August)

I have a much higher sex drive than him, he can take it or leave it; though is generally very affectionate and kissy/cuddly, rarely needs it to become sex. I'd love it 3-4 times a week if possible. It hasn't been an easy journey. We're both late 20s so nothing to do with being older.

Difference is we talk about it, it's not brushed under the carpet. We've also argued about it, but we're 'healthy' rather than mean arguers. I definitely took it as him not being attracted to me for a while, I now know this isn't the case. I've found a way to accept it because our relationship is perfect in every other way, he's the one I want to spend my life with. We are working on improving it, part of the problem was he felt bad about wanting it less, which lead to anxiety around it, meaning him wanting it even less. The problem spiralled. Now we're working on considering each other much more, it's not the elephant in the room. We've both compromised to work at finding a happy medium. We're not quite there yet but it's getting better. It's not his fault my sex drive is high and it's not mine that his is low. It's not a deal breaker, though I'll admit it's been upsetting.

With your partner it does sound like it's just being swept under the carpet and that only leads to resentment. You need to talk to him and find out what's going on before making a bigger commitment, is he willing to work on it and if he's not can you accept that? But first of all communication is key. Make it clear to him how important this is and refusing to talk about it will only push you away. I understand wanting to leave, I've considered it several times myself, but at least try to speak to him and work it out before you do that because there may well be a solution. Know that if there isn't you're justified in leaving. It is an important thing. Good luck x

HuskyLover1 · 16/08/2016 20:31

Oh dear. He's only 38!

Please don't think for a moment that this is age related, as 38 is not an age that the average man starts to wane. He should be in his prime really.

And your own sex drive is very likely to increase as you enter your 30's, so the problem will be exacerbated in a few years.

I think you could fix things, if he was willing to seek help/explore what the problem is, but it doesn't look like he is willing to do that. That leaves you with two choices:

Leave and find someone sexually compatible
Stay and sign up for a life of "meh"

I think in your shoes, that I'd tell him that unless he addresses the problem, then you are over. Perhaps he doesn't realise the size of the problem?

Fwiw, me and DH are mid 40's, have grown up children, and we are active around 2-3 times a week. It's very passionate and I could not live without that side to our relationship. No way. But then again, he is the most handsome guy on the planet, a huge, tall, big muscly dark haired fox

Original poster

Sportygirl123 · 18/08/2016 16:01

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all the advice. It has been nice to get some as it is not the sort of thing I want to discuss with family or friends.

Following on, I took your advice and brought it up first thing yesterday morning. I was very direct for a change and we actually had a mature conversation about it and our relationship. He told me that he did not realise that it meant so much to me and he has virtually no sex drive anymore. He has agreed to seek medical advice about this (appointment is booked for next week :) ).

To be honest, it feels too good to be true so I will see how he gets on at the doctors.

He did say something that I am not sure if it is a form of guilt tripping or not: he did say that if he is unable to get his sex drive back he would not blame me for wanting to leave him.

Anyway time will tell, thanks for all your help as well!

OP posts:

adora1 · 18/08/2016 16:13

Hate to rain on your parade but the fact he said he didn't realise it meant much to you signifies that he actually is fine and dandy with it, which in itself is also odd and weird.

Why is he OK with having no sex drive at 38, I just don't get it, or else there's a lot more to this than he is letting on.

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