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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's stolen my journal and read it

73 replies

PaddywackHolland · 16/08/2016 13:25

In the middle of divorce and trying to sort out finances. I have (had) a book to keep notes of meetings with solicitors, talks with mortgage provider, mediator, their comments, my calculations, all this info, and also I have noted my own thoughts. I kept it in a basket by my bedside with other paperwork. Probably stupid of me. Two days ago I couldn't find it anywhere. He has taken it and read it, I know this because he has confronted me about some of the things I noted. For example, I wrote "C's letter", and he demands to know what this means, he thinks it's a letter that my daughter has written to 'the court'. He denies having taken the book, says he doesn't know where it is, and will not let me have it back. I had written that although I wanted a fair and reasonable settlement, I sometimes felt I ought to have 'compensation' for the years of bad treatment.(Long story, worst bits are he doesn't speak to two of our children aged 22 and 18, who still live with us, and a whole load of EA). He was very frightening and said if I went for 'compensation' he would end up in prison. That's a threat to me, isn't it? He then said I had had several affairs but couldn't actually name any of these men. I have not had any affairs. Even after quoting from my notes, he denies he has got the book. Normally I can handle things, but this has really shaken me. I don't want to play the sympathy card, but I go to hospital today to find out if I need chemo after a mastectomy I had 6 weeks ago. Advice on how to remain strong and deal with this behaviour, please !

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 17/08/2016 16:01

Good job, OP! Stay strong.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/08/2016 16:16

I'm so glad. Good luck with the police.

Don't minimise when you are there! You probably still have a strong instinct to do that. It's hard to break that habit.

Maybe write down the recent catalogue of abusive behaviours, including threats, and take it with you.

Mention to the police your mastectomy and how he took the journal and chucked your wellies when you were at the peak of chemo worries. While not strictly relevant, it will make them understand what a nasty piece of shit he is and might just tip them over into being more likely to go round and put him in his place. Use everything you've got. He would.

rememberthetime · 18/08/2016 10:52

The fear will remain - but you have to push through it. As long as you know you are right, just feel the fear and do it anyway.

You have simply been conditioned to feel fear and consequences - even if those consequences never come.I totally relate and it kept me in a bad relationship for too many years.

My first step to break away was to set up my own bank account - my heart pounded, I was almost physically sick and I just went ahead and did it. That feeling does get better. Each step feels easier.

I can't believe he threw your wellies - that's mega gaslighting. I bet he would have denied all knowledge of their whereabouts and then accused you of going crazy.Or was it it a show of his physical prowess "look how far I can hurl wellies!". May your wellies are a symbol of your ability to walk away from him and he couldn't bear to look at them any longer...

PaddywackHolland · 18/08/2016 10:57

Last night was really weird. He started to try to talk to me and against my better judgement I got drawn in to talking. It went something like this:

Him: If you try to destroy my career I will get you sent to prison
Me: What on earth do you mean?
H: I know things about you that will get you sent to prison
M: Why do you think I am trying to destroy your career?
H: You said I was mentally ill
M: I said you might have a problem and that there is no stigma attached to it, perhaps you need help with anger management.
H: I know things, I can get you sent to prison. I don't get angry.
M: Will I have to wear one of those suits with arrows on? What was it, fraud, theft, what did I do?
H: Oh no, I'm not telling you, I know. You are inciting me. I can't stand to live with you any more, I am going to move out into a flat as soon as I can.
M: Just like you can't tell me the names of the men I have supposedly had affairs with, you mean?
H: smug smile
M: Will I go down for life, or will I get off with a 10 year stretch? Will I go to a women's prison?
(well, it was getting ridiculous at this point and I always look for the funny side)

And on it went; he didn't understand the reference I made to the 13th chime of the crazy clock. He never told me of the crimes I had committed, or the names of the men I had committed adultery with.

M: Do you know what day it is tomorrow ?(today is A level results day for my daughter and of course he has no idea)
H: No, what, what is it, tell me, what is it?
M: You tell me about the men and the crimes first.
H: No, tell me, tell me.
M: No.

OP posts:
nagsandovalballs · 18/08/2016 11:01

Good for you for keeping your sense of humour!! And yes, it's very 1984 with all the word and mind games he is playing. Consider it a sinister form of entertainmet... But don't let your guard down. Pull him up on everything and keep your phone on you if yo jneed to record anything or call the police.

How are the results of a levels?

Mix56 · 18/08/2016 11:06

He sounds completely deranged.

pocketsaviour · 18/08/2016 11:15

I suggest you start recording your conversations on your mobile. Keep yourself safe. Disengage. Leaving is the most dangerous time.

kittybiscuits · 18/08/2016 11:45

Love you. Hate him. Step away and keep stepping away. Mine said 'I'm scared you will tell everyone that I am mentally ill and rubbish at sex'. Hmm.

Goingtobeawesome · 18/08/2016 11:50

Be very careful,playing games with this unstable prick.

ThinkingForever · 18/08/2016 13:03

Agree with Awesome above. He sounds unhinged. Engage as little as possible and don't play games with him. Make sure you are safe.

ThinkingForever · 18/08/2016 13:04

Also check your security e.g. on your laptop etc that he is not spying on you with keylogger etc. If you call WomensAid they may have suggestions on how to do this.

cestlavielife · 18/08/2016 13:08

stop engaging with him at all.

" I can't stand to live with you any more, I am going to move out into a flat as soon as I can." is the only important bit -say yes please.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/08/2016 13:19

It's good that you find him funny not scary.

However, it seems like he is desperate to find ways to make you frightened of him again.

If these threats, smug faces and lies have stopped working, what will he turn to instead?

Do you think he will just say "Ah well, paddywack has won, I can't scare her any more. I think I will retreat quietly now."

Or will it be more a red rag to a bull where he spends every second thinking up new ways to crush you after you laugh at him?

Tell the police tonight.

cestlavielife · 18/08/2016 13:22

keep a charged up in credit mobile on you at all times, maybe get a separate cheap payg for this purpose.
if he goes for you and you need to run you will then have the mobile to call police.

he sounds unhinged and you need to be ready - why cant he move out now?

PaddywackHolland · 18/08/2016 13:29

Thank you all; the daughter has got into Loughborough and we are over the moon, except I will miss her dreadfully.

OP posts:
PaddywackHolland · 18/08/2016 13:44

I think he would not use physical violence against me because he'd be the loser, a visible sign of a physical attack would incriminate him. That's why he's using these extreme threats. He knows there's nothing he can do and that's why he's talking of 'telling tales' to a big scary judge who'll send me to prison. But even in his world, how can he believe that would frighten me; I haven't done anything!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 18/08/2016 13:51

He isn't very grounded in reality. He is rather paranoid and operates very much around engendering threat and fear. A neutral response can be smarter for your safety than challenging him, though I can understand the temptation.

keepingonrunning · 18/08/2016 16:50

He could provoke you into a situation where you are the bad guy, as in The Archers storyline. Please be wary, keep your distance, don't take it for granted it could not possibly happen to you. The most risky time is now, around the time of break-up. He could be spying on what you look at online using wifi, despite you changing passwords, deactivating clouds and turning on private browsing.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 18/08/2016 17:29

I would report those threats of getting me sent to prison to police too.
Just in case he is coming up with some unhinged scheme to make you look bad

cestlavielife · 18/08/2016 21:34

Please do not assume he won't be violent. It only takes one mis thrown bottle or vase to kill or maim you or your dc. .he might not intend to hurt but he could
This is the final stages where he is losing control of you...he has nothing to lose.

Infestedwithcats · 18/08/2016 23:07

DC and I went to the local police station and as soon as we parked the car we saw hi

Infestedwithcats · 18/08/2016 23:26

Saw his car go past

We hid and thought we had not been seen. Police man took notes but seemed a bit bored although he followed procedures . I stressed that I didn't want them to do anything at the moment in case it made him worse. When I got home he says he saw me going into the police station! I said I had gone to see if they had my lost watch. Seems like he is now following me, and spying on me!

kittybiscuits · 18/08/2016 23:28

Is he tracking your phone or has a placed a tracking device in your car?

ladylambkin · 18/08/2016 23:35

Has he seen this thread do you think? You put the time of your appointment on here

BlueFolly · 19/08/2016 00:05

So was he following you?