Middle aged mother and the Turkish boyfriend

[KraggleLego]

I'm not sure if this is the right place however I need some advice about my DM. She has always been the type to NEED a man around, my DF was a waste of space who cheated and landed himself in prison more than he was out of it, however she dutifully stuck with him and took us along for visits. Fun. This was until he met someone else and left her, after he went she was in a kind of a, must find man frenzy. It was always a treat to wake up and see a different man there for breakfast in the morning.
This carried on for years until she met my stepfather, he was 19 she was 34. He was ok, he made her happy and he genuinely cared for myself and my brothers they were together for 20 years.
Just about a year ago they split up, they were fighting a lot and my SF got into drugs, however just like with my DF she stayed and stayed until he was the one that left.

So now she's on her own and it's starting again, she was going out every night (fair enough her business) meeting strangers on the internet and sleeping with them on the first night only for her to wonder why she never hears from them again.

More recently she was contacted by a man from turkey, one of those you are so beautiful please be my friend requests on Facebook. He wiggled his way in and now DM is "in Love". It's like reading a Daily Mail article and she wont listen to me.

He is a walking red flag, his facebook profile had no friends except for DM, he barely speaks English and he is apparently possessive and controlling her already, for example I went to visit with my children and he told her to make us leave. She actually made us go. He has been putting pressure on her to go to Turkey, she has now booked a two week ticket for September. (she will be staying with him) and she has never been abroad before. I am so bloody worried for her, she doesn't find it odd that he's mentioning visa's and marriage in the same sentence.

She has no money though and hasn't worked in years, she honestly believes that she is going to walk into a job paying enough for him to live here. I am at my wits end and my brother is pulling his hair out.

In the interests of not drip feeding I met my now husband online 7 years ago, he is Dutch and moved here to be with me, we are now married and have children and she wants the same. Thank you for ploughing through this and I know it reads like an episode of Jeremy Kyle but it is all sadly true.

It seems as though you take on a huge degree of responsibility for your mother's behaviour.

Whereas from reading your posts it sounds to me that she has capacity and she's an adult making her own decisions.

This kind of May to December romance is doomed, regardless of the different nationalities involved - although the language barrier itself is an issue.

You have to step away and let your mum realise this by herself. The more you try to make her see sense, the more she will insist this is true love. She will soon understand the real nature of his interest in her, and if she has an ounce of pride, she will walk away.

There are dozens of sorry stories on www.romancescams.org/
Your mum isn't the first, she won't be the last. At least she has no assets, no house to sell, no generous pension plan on the horizon, and once he is aware of this, he will be off quicker than a seagull with a stolen chip.

He only sees his kid supervised? He sounds better and better!! I hope he dumps her quickly and soon for all your sakes

With regards to your own self Kraggle, talking to a therapist about your mother could well help you no end.

I really second this. And - let me be clear - not because there is anything WHATSOEVER wrong with you. Just because it sucks like an industrial Hoover to have had to grow up, and to live now, with a mother who doesn't act like a mother, who doesn't and didn't put your needs first, and who puts you in the position of being the parent.

Short of hitting rock bottom in a spectacular way and getting her own arse into some major therapy, she will never change. The thing is that you still think you can reason with her, and you can't.

I don't think May to December marriages are always doomed. I have a friend who is over 20 years younger than her DH. I also had a female friend whose partner was 15 years younger and it wasn't an issue. I am older than my DH (although only 8 years, so not older than his mother....). It is more the fact that she hasn't even met him. She is like a teenager fantasising over a pop star. The fact he feels he can be controlling when they haven't even met yet is a very very bad sign. Does she interpret this as "caring" ?

This man was married before and has a daughter he only sees supervised, she sees nothing wrong with this. She had his daughters picture as her profile on Facebook until I told her she was making herself look ridiculous.

Good grief, you can say that again.

Yes agree with Lavendar that is a truly strange thing to do- can she not see that?

I really feel for you. I think in this situation the person being scammed must be aware on some level of the possibility and any criticism is going to lead to them being defensive and digging their heels in. There's a good dose of humiliation ahead.

It might be worth doing what parents of teenagers find themselves having to do sometimes and just pretending it's all wonderful and real and going to work. Don't let your mum feel she is being rebellious or that this is anything exciting. Be enthusiastic about her 'dp'. If you can, drop in questions here and there along the lines of what plans she has for making the 18k per year she'll need for the visa or how she's doing learning Turkish (maybe set her up on duolingo and get her started.) Nothing that makes her feel criticised or threatened, just casual chat that plants a seed of making her face reality and just perhaps get her thinking much more about how many barriers there actually are to this working, even in relationships where it is legit.

With a bit of luck, it'll fizzle out once it all dawns on her and your relationship will be (somewhat!) intact rather than you getting further apart. Perhaps she'll get a jolt in Turkey but these men are very skilled so she might think it's wonderful.