FWB- without much benefits?

[Clawdeen]

Having been single for a long time, I entered into a FWB relationship a few months ago. The Sex has been great and I've enjoyed having male company again after such a long time.

I thought it was working well- we're both busy with young kids and weren't looking for anything more serious. He has told me he's not seeing anyone else- I believe him as he works incredibly long hours and has his kids 50% of the time. He's also said I'm free to date other people and I have been doing online dating though without any joy.

Initially we were seeing each other once a week/every 10 days, sometimes just for sex and sometimes for a meal or a gig first. This has dwindled to once every 3 weeks. He has also stopped sexting or even flirting by text. However, this is where the confusion has arisen ( and am guessing that FWB arrangements attract confusion). He still texts daily - sometimes 2 or 3 times- but just a run down of his day or asking about mine, offering support and advice. I just went on holiday and he asked me to text whilst I was away and texted me to see if I was back home safely. I feel like we've drifted into the equivalent of old married couple pen pals! I thought in FWB the emphasis is on the benefits. Especially as in our case we weren't friends to start with and haven't spent enough time together to really form a friendship. I would rather swap the daily texts for flirty ones arranging to meet up or sexting when that wasn't possible.

We had planned to spend a day together this week as its been a long time since we've seen each other but he has other plans ( disappointing but fine- we're not in a relationship). He has however suggested another time this week- but for an hour only which he thinks is plenty of time to have a cup of tea and a catch up and get down to business! I do feel a bit disappointed by this ( in the sense of I'd hoped for a lengthy sex session, really exploring our fantasies etc) and a bit nonplussed ( can I really be bothered with a quickie? The last few times have been so brief and so spaced apart that I haven't really found myself able to let go and have the mind blowing connection we had at the start).

So my query is- as its a FWB arrangement do I even have the right to bring up my frustrations? Should I expect more benefits or is that veering into relationship territory? I'm rather sleep deprived at the moment so inclined to think 'oh f&&k it. I can't be bothered' but on the other hand, he has rearranged things in order to see me and I'm sure the sex will be fine ( and am somewhat reluctant to go back to the long drought!).

It sounds like you're not getting many benefits & just the crap bits of a normal relationship tbh. Whether it's a full on relationship, FWB or a plain old fuck buddy arrangement, you have every right to challenge the terms of it. That's not needy, that's self preservation. Good luck op

Thanks Naze, that's incredibly helpful. I have a tendency to neediness so I guess I have been avoiding challenging things in an attempt to be less needy if that makes sense. I've not really dated much and never had a FWB so wasn't sure what I should expect- but does seem wrong in my gut just to get what feels like 'scraps'. Helpful to have you validate that. I spend a lot of time answering his requests for medical/legal/childcare advice and would rather just go out for drinks/dinner and have sex. i think I'll use the hour I've been 'offered' (at 10am) to raise this.

would rather just go out for drinks/dinner and have sex. i think I'll use the hour I've been 'offered' (at 10am) to raise this

It sounds like a business meeting!

If it doesn't work for you then tell him. How can you tell him what you want in bed and not be able to say 'actually, I'm only interested in the 'Benefits' side of this and that's doesn't include giving medical/childcare/legal advice!'

Haha! You're right about the business meeting analogy! When he suggested meeting for an hour he presented the idea as 'that will give us plenty of time for the most pressing item'!!

You have made me laugh. You're right; I've been Pusey footing around I guess for fear of rejection.

How is he when he's with you OP? Still keen as mustard or going through the motions. I'd be tempted to make the 'hour' all about you and tell him so (so tell him you want him to go down on you e.g.) it's really not very good to only get an hour and even then, not get off. could he have met someone else do you think? Sounds like he has you in 'tickover' mode while his attention is elsewhere.

An hour, sorry but that would make me feel like an escort, you are not wrong to expect a bit more and I'd guessing he's not that into it anyway.

Yes, that is a good point,it has made me feel a bit like an escort! I haven't seen him for 3 weeks and have been on holiday. I was looking forward to a lazy, flirty brunch catching up and then an indulgent afternoon in bed. I felt really uneasy about his text so I haven't relied yet.

It's odd- I don't think he is seeing anyone else as he is so busy and so difficult- but I guess that's always a possibility. When we are together, we do have a good time- it's the bit in between that I find irritating- the weird penpal relationship that I mentioned and often not really following up on my questions so I often feel like an electronic diary receiving his daily downloads! He has always made minimal effort in arrangements so not really a change there but an hour is a new low, which is what prompted me to post to see if I was expecting too much from something that is supposed to be casual. If he'd said for example, 'I only have an hour Friday because of xyz but why don't we go out for dinner next Wednesday' then I wouldn't have been bothered. But it feels like he thinks that this hour will tick things off and we won't have to meet for another 2-3 weeks. I emailed him previously about trying to fix a date for next week as trying to juggle a few things and he ignored it. When I pulled him up on it, he said that he hates to commit himself and that his ex wife used to complain about it too ( the woman must have had the patience of a saint!).

I honestly don't think he is worth your time and trouble OP, find another FWB, he's boring and unpredictable, plus how are you expected to just switch on your sexual allure in an hour, again, like an escort, just no, don't do it.

I would say to him you're not happy with the situation, an hours bunk up is really not worth shaving your legs for, is it?

If he bucks up his ideas, then great, but if it's no accompanying fun outside of quick bonk, then you might as well be an escort, it's true.

This is supposed to be fun.

Yes- he says himself that he's boring! I'm not sure how I would switch on my sexual allure at 10am having just battled to get the kids out of the house and into kids club! I think I've stuck it out as he's the first guy in years that has shown any interest ( though I wasn't looking). About 6 weeks ago I started online dating in an attempt to find someone else. I guess it's early days but so far my experience of OLD has caused my view of men in general to plummet! I thought I could keep this guy as a FWB to provide some fun but now that the hassle is outweighing the fun, it sadly doesn't look like the case. Where are the decent men?! As I'm gathering from this board, being single in your 40s can be hard work.

Haha category- that's a great phrase and I will put it to him. And it's true- it would take me longer to shave my legs and walk to his place than the actual event itself!

I would love to know the longest FWB relationship. I can't imagine it would be long. As soon as you start wanting different things and making different demands of each other, I struggle to see how things can go forward. It must end up very passive somehow, in case one person appears too needy ...

Yes, you've summed it up. I've become very passive to avoid looking needy and it's just resulted in my wants being overrun. I did in the first month try and set some parameters but he accused me of getting emotionally involved so I backed off. At that point it was still fun. It's been 3 months- perhaps that's a limit!

Even now I'm wondering how to reply to his text/not wanting to annoy him which is totally unbalanced. I'm certain he hasn't given me a second thought and is waiting for his hour of fun on Friday morning!

Nothing less romantic than feeling you have to perform, for an hour!

Might it help to imagine how you'll feel after that hour with him OP?

It's really sweet he wanted to check you got home safely! Is it possible his started to develop feelings and is trying to keep a bit more distance as he knows you don't want a relationship?

Sounds like the arrangement has run its course for YOU. Text him that you're busy and leave it at that. Why does he get to set what's allowed and what's not. He can go pay someone for a quick Friday morning shag if he's that desperate!

I would send him an email stating all these issues. It's worth trying to salvage rather than dumping and looking for someone else, maybe. With fwb, there are very few rules as such which can be empowering but also confusing.

I couldn't be arsed with the emailing and discussions.

I'd send a friendly "an hour won't be long enough for some proper fun - drop me a text when you've got a whole afternoon free so we can properly indulge ourselves "

It puts the meeting clearly into sex territory, and says no to this hour without being unfriendly.

As to the other daily dusty stuff - just ignore it. You don't owe him lengthy replies to his childcare questions. He'll stop asking if you stop replying.

Although - cheeky fucker telling you not to get emotionally involved!

Don't tell him (or don't only tell him) how you want the situation to be - show him. Respond to sexual messages, leave the others unanswered.

I like the idea of showing him what I want. Though 'respond to sexual messages and leave the others unanswered' is slightly problematic in that he rarely sends sexual texts now - even his text about meeting Friday didn't refer to sex, just 'we'll have plenty of time for the most pressing item'! In fact I'm wondering if he's using that tactic on me- any of my flirty /dirty texts have been ignored and he's replied with a text about work or the dentist or his sore throat! He also frequently ignores my suggestions to meet up and will reply with some day to day crap. The ignoring is what irritates me most.

I don't know if he is developing feelings. I think although he's been separated for a long time, he's very confused. He was so completely full on when he first met and totally pursued me and then after a month seemed to have a bit of a wobbly and giving mixed messages ever since. It's possible I guess- he did seem worried that I wouldn't contact him whilst I was away. But even then when I sent him flirty texts, he ignored them and talked about the Olympics! ( this is in contrast to the first month in which he sent flirty texts/ sexts very frequently so it's not as though he hasn't got it in him iyswim).

I would assume with the demise of flirting and reducing time together that I was being slowly phased out. However that seems st odds with his daily updates, requests to keep in contact and his behaviour when we do finally meet.

Goodness a lot of headspace for something casual!

You've nailed it in your last sentence!

Honestly, he actually sounds like a deliberate headfuck.

He frequently ignores your suggestions to meet up? He told you off for getting emotionally involved? (who made you child and him dad?)

The thing with a FWB relationship is that it shouldn't be a crap version of dating. Just as you should only date someone who makes you feel great, you should only FWB with someone who makes you feel great. And you should only be straight forward friends without benefits with people who make you feel great!

Fill your life with good relationships. Walk away from time and energy thieving ones.

It sounds crap!

He sounds like a complete arrogant user, all out to impress you at the start, now he has you hooked, he is cooling rapidly. Rather talk about the Olympics than things you could get up to in your bedroom, does not sound very exciting, unless swinging from the chandelier came into the conversations,or pomel horse action up & down your body. Synchronised diving could have had you eager to partake in bedroom olympics,with the promise of a gold medal at the end, ( or maybe a nice chocolate one)

Doesn't sound much like friends either with all the ignoring of what you say, never mind the benefits being v thin on the ground. Are you fwbbing Iain Duncan Smith?

So he can send texts about sex but when you do they're ignored and subject changed? He's writing the rules here and training you how to be in this arrangement.

The Ian Duncan Smith comment made me laugh so much. I need to keep that firmly in my mind if/when I see him.

Well he used to send dirty texts but that was right at the beginning when he was going 100mph messaging loads, wanting to meet up all the time, even trying to get me round when his kids were asleep ( I refused). It was such a full on assault, I was quite taken aback especially as I was just ripping my toe in the dating waters after many years. After sleeping with him a couple of times, he through a massive wobbly ( about his ex finding out- not sure why she would or why she would care, they've been separated 3 years) and called time on it. After a week he had a change of heart and proposed a FWB arrangement. Since then he's only sent one dirty text ( in response to me asking what he wanted to do on his birthday). All of mine have either been ignored totally or he's replied hours later with a 'sounds like you're having fun' followed by some complaint about his work or health.

He's definitely writing the rules, you're right. When I initially said I was confused about his wobble, he accused me of getting emotionally involved and that's why he called time on it. I was honestly just confused by the change in him. Then when he started it up again, he sent me the world's longest text with his T&C. I suggested meeting for a chat- I wanted to lay my boundaries down and he replied 'let's just keep it light and breezy and save the chat for another time' and of course we've never had that chat.

Despite all this, it had been rumbling along ok and when we're together it's been fine. I just think being bumped from a day out to an hour is probably the final straw for me.

I'm still undecided but I probably will go round and see him in my allotted hour just so I get to have my say. But I won't shave my legs and will wear big pants so I don't get distracted.