Why am I so horrible to DH?

[Bozza]

I have been trawling round the latest threads adding messages here and there and avoiding the main subject that is on my mind. A bit nervous because its the first time I've posted anythign personal on Mumsnet - although I know you are all really supportive.

The problem is that I seem to be really horrible to DH these days. I am mega critical and seem to pick fights about trivial things. For instance during the last week these have included him messing up the airing cupboard, him not putting the dishwasher on at the right time, him using all the soft spouts on DS's cups for juice so there's none left for his bedtime milk etc. As I write this, I think how pathetic it sounds. Its not like I have a little gripe and then thats the end of it. I manage to turn it all into a full blown row. If DH responds (even mildly to any criticism) I cry which exasparates him because we cannot even have a decent discussion. I have always cried very easily (with parents and siblings as well as DH). I seem to be getting a cycle of this. However if DH commits some minor misdemeanour that I discover while he is at work or golf I have got over it by the time he gets home and so inadvertently be his absence he gets away with that one!!! Which shows how petty I am being. This is really beginning to get to DH, in a recent discussion he admitted to feeling as though he is walking on egg shells trying to avoid setting me off.

I feel this is really undermining what ought to be a great relationship and I think my posting on here proves how concerned I am. I love DH very much. He is a very sensitive and funny bloke - generally speaking we are very much on the same wave length. I am very proud of what we have built together - a loving and comfortable home centred around a delightful little boy whom we both adore. Its not all bad. We have a very strong bond of trust in each other and always have had. We never argue over money and share a joint bank account very amicably although money is a bit tight. (Isn't money supposed to be a major source of arguments?).

Just to fill you in on the background. We have a fifteen month old son and I work 3 days a week with DS being in nursery which we both agree is very good for him. Neither of us have particulary pressurised jobs (although there can be occasional spells of pressure for each and DH does a lot of driving). DH is fairly hands on - collects DS from nursery, shares the cleaning and tidying, will load the washing machine (from designated pile), hangs out the washing, cuts DS's nails exclusively etc etc. Will not cook or iron. I order the shopping online, he unpacks it.
He plays golf twice most weekends. So not perfect but not too bad. We have been married 4 years.

If I try to hold off nagging DH it all eventually bottles up and spills out into a dozen complaints at once. So that doesn't work. I'm sorry to have rambled but does anyone have any ideas how I can break this cycle? I think if I act now this will safeguard my marriage.

Bozza is there anything else that is REALLY troubling you, and you're just using these trivial things as an excuse to start an arguement? I've heard many times that when couples argue about little things like leaving the lid off the toothpaste, it's really about a much bigger thing that is bothering them but they haven't been able to confront it. I would guess that perhaps you are feeling frustrated or unhappy about something (probably connected with your DH) and that's why you're 'picking' on him about small things. I think you really need to examine what else might be getting to you and try to get it out in the open... the way you're going, you could really cause some trouble in your relationship and it sounds like you don't want to do that. Imagine how you'd feel if he walked away from the marriage - you'd probably regret all the things you said to him, and wish you could go back and correct it. So before any permanent damage is done, now is your chance to try and fix whatever is bothering you... for your own sake as well as his. Best of luck.

Bozza - I really feel for you. I see so many people, men and women, endlessly repeating destructive behaviour patterns, often seemingly against their will, until a relationship becomes just a shadow of what it should be. You sound like you recognise the value in what you have, but how can you break the cycle? What was your experience of your parents relationships? Do you find it hard to express approval / encouragement for adults (although probably easy for you lovely ds!)? I don't have any answers but I do know that ALL humans need love, encouragement, approval and sometimes unqualified acceptance to florish. Your dh will undoubtedly stay with you without these but he will slowly begin to shrink away inside, feeling hurt. This usually leads to an emotional withdrawal as a defence mechanism. The ironic thing is, how you treat him will eventually diminish him in your eyes as well, and you will be unable to see (as he feels unable to express) all the things which made you attracted to him in the first place. I have thought about this a lot recently, as dh and myself have some of the same tendencies. I think the questions we all have to ask ourselves in these situations are: do you love him? do you LIKE him? What do these words mean to you? are you willing to let him do things his way even if it means not doing them as you would (or forgetting to do them at all!)? To love someone is to allow them to be the best person they can possibly be in the safety of your love. That's the best person THEY can be, not what we believe they SHOULD be. I'm sorry if I haven't got any answers, but I think asking ourselves a few piercing questions and taking time to think through the answers and your motivations is the first step. Good luck, and lucky you for having such potential for a fabulous marriage

Bozza, one thing jumps out at me from your message. You say dh does lots to help etc but it seems you have to do all the main organising and maybe this is what is getting you down? I may be way off line here and maybe you are fine about being "in charge" at home on the grounds your outside work is part time, but perhaps you are not?
Seems the trivial thigs he did which upset you are are concerned with him mucking up your attempts to keep things ordered/organised .
Also, playingh golf twice each weekend is a lot of time away from home! DO you have an equivalent amount of time to do YOUR own thing , just for fun, with no responsibility?
Being in charge all the time is very stressful.
Hope this helps.

I would be furious if dp played golf twice every weekend! Can't he forgo one of the sessions and perhaps you could all go out as a family instead? I think it would help to spend a bit more fun time together outside the home environment.

I agree with Jasper that it's the being in charge of organising things ALL the time that is very wearing. Your energy is being eaten away all over the place and it's showing in your being niggled.

I also think that playing golf twice a weekend is a lot of time from your time together, sqeezing the time you go for outings or spend hanging out together. My mother is visiting and yesterday, after going a few places, we all went to church together. Ds, 20 months was wanting to scamper everywhere so dh took him outside to the playground where he was quite a handful. Dh said that he would rather deal with a week of stressful meetings than do that again, which was pretty telling.

It sounds like you could do with some time away from being bogged down by the everyday minutiae. It sounds like you could use a renegotiation of the work load. Can you afford to comtemplate a cleaner for example? If your dh is the main wage earner, it is easy for all household work and organisation plus the childcare to become low status work that never gets recognised ´for the juggling act it is. Can't think of more concrete advice but it does all sound like the symptom of Something.

I agree with all the comments so far about having ALL the responsibilty. I don't have a partner but I do have to have a full-time job and I frequently get short-tempered with my daughter, particularly on Saturday's. It is a lot of effort to have to do everything.

If there is nothing else underlying all this, then. I would agree, that the golf twice per weekend is a bit much, unless you get equivalent time away yourself.

Hi Bozza

I think you sound really tired & frustrated - and no wonder. I think it's so common for women to get landed with 'running the house' in a really old-fashioned way once kids arrive. I know what makes me EXPLODE is when my husband says something like, 'what is he having for lunch?' and I'm yelling, "I don't know. When did I get voted lunch organiser? Why don't you find him some lunch" etc. I also deal with washing & ironing etc. I got a cleaner (but feel I have to pay for it out of my own money - as if having a clean house is my sole responsibility) And when I want to do something that means leaving dh with our son I always 'ask permission' but he doesn't. I think this is considered pretty normal, but drives me batty - I work three days a week from home but wanted to spend the extra time with ds, not being a 50s housewife!! I agree, all that golf is a hell of a lot of lovely time off. When's yours? If you haven't got any, now's the time for renegotiation. If he plays golf on Saturday afternoon, you get Saturday morning for shopping/nails/art gallery/coffee with mates/whatever while he looks after his son. I'm sure he doesn't mean to lumber you with stuff - he just doesn't realise, and I think the next step may be to make him realise. And a bit of time on his own with your ds will help (I notice that whenever I leave our son with dh no housework ever gets done - 'I'm busy with ds" he says!!) I know I probably sound a bit bitter/angry but I'm not really. I too really love my dh and he is a fab father, I just think things go a bit 1950s when couples have kids, and you need to be strong to reverse this. Think about how you really feel about lack of free time for yourself and the domestic chores and think about whether you feel resentful which is spilling out into arguments about anything other than the main issue. I agree that lots of petty arguments often disguise a deeper resentment.

Bozza- I think you're being very brave and honest to post this and I'm sure this is a very familiar situation for many women with children, as Aloha and others have said.
One word stands out for me- GOLF. If he's playing it twice a weekend he can't be spending that much time at home with you and your son. And you can't be getting much time to yourself. IMO both are really important, as is spending leisure time together without your son. Perhaps it'd be worth going out for a slap-up dinner to talk about some of this?
I sympathise with the crying when feeling criticized or angry. I find that really hard too. Luckily my partner has similar tendencies (but he's not as bad and finds it unfair if I cry when we're arguing.) I try and remind myself that he's criticizing something I've done, not me as a person and that helps sometimes...
Best of luck- I hope things get better.

I think that your post is familiar to us all in some way. You are not alone! I think that when I get like this it is because I am frustrated by the things which bind me, small kids, house work, cooking meals etc and hanker after what my husband has, the freedom to disappear at 8:45 every day and have no further house/family responsibility until the kids' bedtime. The reality is that he works very hard and I choose to stay at home with my kids and so I can't really complain but my feeling inside is 'hmmph, it's me looking after the children again...' I'd just like some freedom and some time to do as I please. That's when I start griping about silly little things and he feels like he can't put a foot right.

I have no real advice to offer, just wanted to say that we understand and feel for you.

Routine is what does it for me. I can plod on happily for weeks then suddenly - wham! If I have to cook one more kids supper and load one more batch of washing I find myself in a heap. It's a sign that we all need to get out and do something different, even if its just going to Pizza Express for lunch.

I met up with all my best girlfriends this weekend (with children) and we had a lovely, fun day, no husbands/partners in sight. Got back latish on Sat night to find that dp had made food for 2 days, cleaned the house and done all the gardening. Guess what? We had sex that night.

Enid, I'm sure that some survey recently (yeah, I know it's all just statistics) showed that men who do their share of the housework, childcare etc generally get more sex. Sounds right to me: I know I feel more loving and likely to be in the mood when dp has done something wonderful like your dh.

Yes, it definitely helped! Also he did it all cheerfully without a trace of martyrdom. Maybe this should be on the sex survey thread??

Enid, that is some dh you have!

Bozza, not much to add to all this advice you've been given. It sounds like something is deeply frustrating you. You recognise the arguments as trivial, but yet as you say, they are not.

When was the last time you asked yourself what you want out of life? Forgot dh and ds and just thought about you? Looking beyond the smooth running of the house and a happy relationship with your partner and your son. It's what you want for you.

I asked myself these selfish but necessary questions as second nature before dh and children came along. Once I was a mother, I had to pull myself up sharp and remind myself that 'I' still mattered. When I lose sight of myself, I know it, because my nagging and frustration increases.

I don't get what 'I' want very easily, but keeping a sense of myself - and making sure dh and ds (to some extent) know this - helps me feel I am making progress in my life.

Don't know if this helps you, but I'd just to say I can relate to your message - I've been there too.

It isnt usual behaviour, believe me! I talked about it here as it really gave my spirits a lift, not only to go out for the day alone with dd, but to return to a lovely meal, a tidy house and a cheerful dp. It would be great to think that you could do that too sometime Bozza, without ds if that would give you even more of a break.

Sorry, meant to add that I think dp enjoyed having a bit of time on his own too!

bozza,
I used to cry a lot, but I cured myself of this terrible habit about a year ago. It wasn't easy, but this was the technique I used:
Instead of thinking "I'm going to give up crying", I thought, "Right, I'm not going to cry today. I'll cry as much as I like tomorrow, but I am going to have at least one day without crying." I had to remind myself of this several times during the day, as if I forgot, it could easily lead to a lapse! It was hard the first few times not to just take the easy route and burst into tears, but after some days of this, taking it one day at a time, I noticed that I no longer felt the urge to cry. Now, I hardly ever need to remind myself. I had a relapse at the weekend, and cried about something that was upsetting me, and I noticed it because it is such a long time since that has happened. Now I'm back on the wagon again!
Could you do something similar with your problems with your dh? Think one morning, Right, I'm not going to criticise him about anything today? and stick with it for a day at a time. If there's something you feel angry about, then here's a tip for anger management, told to me by our local vicar, who is full of worldly wisdom. (you can tell that i've had a problem with anger management too!):
If your dh does something that annoys you, you have a RIGHT to feel annoyed! Yes, you do! Feeling angry with him is not something you have to feel guilty about.
Having said that, you then have to ask yourself, But is it worth making a row that will upset both of us and our children, over something this trivial?
Personally, I don't think it's ever worth criticising husbands about little things - I married my dh to make him happy, not to make him perfect. (have not succeeded greatly at either, before anyone shouts "Smug git!" )
You've analysed your problem very clearly, which is half way to fixing it, so good luck.

'Will not cook or iron', you say Bozza. So what does he do to make up for this? All the washing up and kitchen-cleaning should just about cover it.

Them as don't cook don't eat in our house!

Unless they're happy with sandwiches, that is!

Seriously Bozza, that's what my sil (works 4 days a week) and bil (full-time) do, and it seems to work very well for them. And they are also pretty systematic about sharing out weekend time with their ds. The difference might be that bil would be speechless and bemused if anyone suggested two lots of golf would be more fun than playing with his lovely boy.

One of the funniest things I did was teach my dh to iron. It took him a while to get the hang of it but now, years and 4 kids down the line, he actually finds it therapeutic!
He also did not cook when we first married but does now. In fact he does far more around the house than I do and it is a wonder he hasn't posted something on mumsnet about me
All this evolved the more children we had. He would never have believed that he would do all these things - his own mother is amazed. Funnily enough hid brother does absolutely no 'womens work' so I don't think that behaviour is genetic. His wife lets him get away with it. I think you have to be truthful and tell him that not doing cooking and ironing is not an option. These tasks really do get you down and if they were shared you would feel so much better. If you don't get him to help in all aspects now, you're relationship will get into serious trouble later.
He probably does not realise how pressured you feel. Tell him.

Bozza,

I understand exactly how you feel because I am often guilty of nagging too. I think that is because my DH does do an awful lot, cooks, cleans, does washing etc, etc but he often lies down on the sofa to watch sport for a few hours in the afternoon - this really pees me off especially when I'm rushing around cooking for dd etc, etc. It's his way of relaxation though (apparently !!). It's very hard because you do end up resenting them I think. I work part time and so expect him to help equally with everything except the days I'm at home.
However he did recently really pee me off because he keeps saying 'you've had a day off' when I've been at home with dd as if I've been sitting on my backside all day doing nothing ! It's much harder work than work although I love it. So he tells me that not many hubbies would come in and help with dinner preps when they've been at work all day but of course I have been working too of a different sort with dd !

So basically I don't know the answer to your question but when I am getting all hot under the collar I just think about how much I love him, how his faults irritate me but that the good outweighs the bad. Men are just so different in make up to us. They can't seem to multi task etc, etc. And they always know that mum's got the answer. I would try and just take a deep breath if it's something petty or just say very nicely, ' you work it out darling ' , better still leave him to fare for himself and ds for a whole day.

With regard to the golf. My dh is also a keen golfer, once a weekend would still be too much (but I'm mean), twice a weekend, definitely not ! Maybe a compromise of one day he plays the other is a family day.

Tillysmmmy, I cured dh of this 'you've had a day off while I've been working hard' thing by going on a business trip when ds was about 9 mths old. I had to leave early Sun morning because the conference started at 9am Mon in France, so dh had ds for a whole day Sunday, then had to do the nursery run etc both ends of the day on Mon and Tues. When I got back he said "I can see why you don't get anything else done on the days you're home with ds. You can't even go to the loo in peace, can you?" He's never madet he mistake again of thinking that being at home with the children isn't a 'real' job

Azzie,

My plan exactly Must do something like that soon. He is very good with DD and looks after her when I'm out but hasn't had a whole day of it yet. Must plan one. I think he does know but because I may have met someone for coffee of something like that he think's my day is one long lunch !

Men are definitely from Mars !!

Dh is very good with the kids - I often now go away for 2 days on business (about every 4-6 wks) and everyone is fine - he doesn't necessarily do things the way I would, but he copes excellently. On a serious note, the real plus of this is that I'm confident that if anything happened to me, like I had to go into hospital or something, the kids would be fine and he would be on top of everything that needed doing, without changing their routine too much. Plus, ds and dd are completely cool about Daddy looking after them, and he's confident in his ability to do the job well. It's not quite interchangeable parenting, but it's probably about as close as we can get with our work balance.

I still get annoyed, though, when we sit down to make our shopping list each week and he says "what are we going to eat this week then?" Why can't he just think of some things himself?

Could it be he doesn't know what things cost and so doesn't want to come up with meals that you can't afford?

I know my wife did this once or twice as she had misread the amounts needed for a meal and when we priced things up it was working out at over £40 for the main meal of 2 of us.

Or it could be that he just doesn't think about food except when it is on his plate.