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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what would you feel?? AIBU?

31 replies

nappyrat · 15/08/2016 21:40

Partner has always been extremely career focused. Sometimes it feels like at the expense of all things...!
Typical week: long-haul travel mon-fri or if not that then 2-3 evening given to work , back fri night. Fair bit email over w:e.

It's been ok whilst we've been dating but sometimes now I'm starting to tire of it.

The problem is my feelings on the issue oscillate WILDLY. From 'it's fine, I like to have some time on my own / with friends' to 'he's never bloody here, what's the point in being together'

I genuinely don't feel like I feel one or the other mainly, or a middle ground.

He earns extremely well, and is great in many other ways. But I worry I'll become increasingly resentful of him being away so much if we bite the bullet & move in.

Wwyd?! Thanks!

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 15/08/2016 21:47

You have two choices: accept it and have your own life separate to his and enjoy the times you do have together. Or you decide this life isn't for you and walk away. There are vast numbers of divorced lawyers, bankers and doctors for this reason. It's far better to identify which camp you fall into before marrying a man who works like this.

Don't on any account think he will change, he won't.

jeaux90 · 15/08/2016 21:50

Quite right, people don't change. I love my career and would resent anyone (no matter how much I loved them) asking me to rein in the hours.

Probably why I am a single parent :)

Destinysdaughter · 15/08/2016 21:53

Very good advice. You need take control and think about what YOU want from a relationship. If you are v independent sort this may suit you but if you want cosy nights in on a regular basis then this man isn't for you.

No point getting resentful, his behaviour isn't aimed at you, it's his life, do you want it to be yours?

elastamum · 15/08/2016 22:03

I think you have to accept him for who he is. My partner travels all over the world for work and I love that he is an academic expert in his field and invited everywhere. He is a wonderful interesting man and that''s part of who he is. He loves going, and I couldn't conceive of ever asking him to stop. If you really don't like it, maybe he isn't the man for you.

PopFizz · 15/08/2016 22:15

How old are you? Are you envisaging children in the future? Being in a partnership like this is one thing, bringing up a family is a whole other board game

Joysmum · 15/08/2016 22:17

People do change...but it's rare.

Mine changed from being a lazy git in his old job to be extremely career focussed in his new until I put my foot down and laid it on the line that he had lost both his parents and felt guilty because he'd not spent much time with them, and he was now missing his DD's childhood

He changed again.

SandyY2K · 15/08/2016 22:22

Some careers these days are very demanding and require lots of travel. Earning the big bucks often comes with this.

I'm not sure how long you've been together, but do you actually consider him as a boyfriend or as a partner? From what you describe you live seperate lives and pretty much do your own thing.

I wouldn't ever interfere in or comment on a boyfriends career in a negative way. My view is that if he's serious about me and wants to take the relationship to the next level, that he would also be thinking about the amount of travel he's doing and the impact on the relationship.

If he doesn't raise it, then he doesn't see it as an issue and I'd have to decide if I want to be in the relationship.

SystemAticcally · 15/08/2016 22:27

He's not going to change.

Don't look at what you want right now but whether you could stay with this person 10 or 20 years from now. Difficult to project but you don't make long term plans on short term feelings.

madinche1sea · 15/08/2016 22:34

OP - my DH is very similar and I totally agree with what has been said above - that people like this will not change.

Being on your own now is one thing,. The other issue to bear in mind is that, in the event that you have children in the future, your DP is not likely to be a 50/50 parent - simply by virtue of the fact that he won't be around that much.

This is likely to have an impact on your own career options after children and you are likely to have to compromise here in a way that he will not.

It works for DH and I because we make an effort when we are together and I'm never bored with 4 DC and great friends around me. But it would not be for everyone.

No relationship is perfect either. If your DP had no drive and ambition he would not be the person he is. Go in with your eyes wide open would be my advice.

Original poster
nappyrat · 15/08/2016 22:54

Thanks all. Like I say the frustration is that it's like I have multiple personality disorder on the issue - sometimes I'm cool with it & other times (when I feel a bit low / needy usually) I hate it.

Argh! Wish I was more balanced!

OP posts:
EyeoftheStorm · 15/08/2016 23:00

I think it all depends on how he makes you feel. DH works similar hours and always has, but he has a way of making me and now our family feel like we're his priority.

FritzDonovan · 16/08/2016 22:24

On the other side from eye, my DP spends a lot of time away but tends to compartmentalise so I don't feel like we (me+kids or me+him) have ever been a priority. Maybe unfair, but that's how it feels. Wasn't so much of a problem when I was younger with a career/life, but am finding it difficult as a sahm with young kids. I'm getting a bit bitter about it nowadays. So, as a pp said, take a good look into the future and try to imagine how you would feel in likely situations down the line... (Personally, I think I should have made some very different decisions.)

Original poster
nappyrat · 16/08/2016 22:40

Fritz - sorry to hear this Flowers

When you say he compartmentalises can you explain?

I think my only advice would be to get selfish! ;) only half joking. Make the situation bloody well work for you. Book babysitters and go to gym / out with friends. Make plans. Get yourself a life he'd like to join??! My theory is that ppl do what they want in life - we're all inherently selfish.

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FritzDonovan · 16/08/2016 23:26

Hi nappy, thx for the flowers Smile
Don't want to derail your thread but to answer your question, I think he keeps his worklife (and friends) completely separate from family, we have to change to accommodate what's going on with his work.

Its not that I don't have things to keep myself busy with (although what mum couldn't do with more me time!?), I just am tired of being sidelined by the job and feel our family life would be more fulfilling if I'd considered the consequences more carefully when he was offered the position...

FritzDonovan · 16/08/2016 23:45

...and is that what you do while he's away? (the keeping busy bit)...agree it can be nice to have the alone time sometimes, do you think it will still work as well after a few years /with kids (don't know how far ahead you are thinking Smile)... Do you have a completely secure and trusting relationship that can handle so much time apart?

Original poster
nappyrat · 17/08/2016 07:56

Well you raise v good points...!
Not sure the total trust is there TBH. Sad to say that, but I've been in more trusting relationships for sure. But partly that could be my insecurities.
M dp doesn't compartmentalise at all, in fact the opposite - lots blurring of work / friends. Sometimes feels like work ppl have dinner with him more than me! As a result sometimes feels like I'm the last to know stuff. Which I dislike.
Otherwise he is great...

OP posts:
Destinysdaughter · 17/08/2016 08:43

What is great about him?

FritzDonovan · 17/08/2016 10:03

Hmm, can sympathise with being the last to know!
Realistically, if his work style isn't likely to change and you don't completely trust him while he works away so much, a life together could prove difficult to sustain without going insane! See if he would be willing to spend more quality time with you alone when he's at home and maybe see if that makes you feel better about the situation before making any big decision?

Original poster
nappyrat · 17/08/2016 20:35

DD - he makes big efforts when home, is thoughtful, sensitive, kind, generous, willing to help, thoughtful. Considerate.

OP posts:
SaraC8 · 17/08/2016 20:49

My partner works away mon-fri. He leaves very early in the morning Monday and comes back Friday evening. I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant with our first child and so far it's never been a problem, but he has worked away for as long as we have been together so have never known any different, and my dad has always worked away so it's kind of the norm if you know what I mean. I imagine it'll be hard when the baby arrives but I'm not too worried ATM. You need to trust each other implicitly and make time for each other when you do have time together.

springydaffs · 17/08/2016 21:47

I'm not sure you're being honest with yourself - hence oscillating between not minding and minding very much!

imo the minding very much is closer to the truth about how you really feel about it. It's your gut telling you.

springydaffs · 17/08/2016 21:49

ie the not minding is your head and the minding very much is your heart.

RedMapleLeaf · 17/08/2016 22:09

How long have you been going out? Difficult to tell whether her your boyfriend or partner or what.

Original poster
nappyrat · 17/08/2016 22:53

Met 15 months ago

OP posts:
Original poster
nappyrat · 17/08/2016 22:54

Daffs think that is a a good observation!

OP posts: