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Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour....

68 replies

tessie31082 · 14/08/2016 20:21

hi, partner been acting weird with niece who was staying with grandparents (his sisters daughter staying three doors down with his mum and dad) on a little break. They have been messaging each other and video calling each other quite a bit when no-one is around (I have access to his ipad) - I've looked on his facebook messenger! He took her to darts one night and stayed out much later than normal and he went to help her get her makeup from his parents yesterday so she could put it on here (the parents/grandparents were already out) before we went out but they were gone 20 mins. Am I just being suspicious and thinking ridiculous thoughts? There are also a few messages that I personally think are odd but someone else might not think anything of it! Do I just keep an eye on things? She does not live close so we do not see her often.
Tessie

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 14/08/2016 21:03

I often call my nephew handsome, genuinely I have often said - night, handsome
We speak by Skype 3-4 times a week and he sends me all sorts of tripe and I he
I adore him, he is the son I never had
Nothing there is weird to me. Really nothing
You know your partner. Do you really think he is incestuously grooming his niece?
Why you are snooping around and not just openly asking I really don't understand

fastdaytears · 14/08/2016 21:03

"Night gorgeous" is not appropriate at all

Buzzardbird · 14/08/2016 21:04

Please remember she is a child.

3weeksthankgod · 14/08/2016 21:04

Feel sorry for her.

Resilience16 · 14/08/2016 21:06

He likes watching teen porn, and she is 17 and needy? Red f@cking flag right there!
In that context his comments look very much like grooming a vulnerable teen to me.
You need to speak to him.

RonaldMcDonald · 14/08/2016 21:07

Your niece sounds vulnerable
Naïve and looking for family to befriend support love and help her.
I am worried that you describe her as needy and attention seeking
I wonder how much compassion there from you an adult relative to this vulnerable young woman ...?

Also I guess you snooped on your partner to see what porn he was watching
Found it was teen, were unhappy but didn't mention it????
Your relationship sounds very damaged

timelytess · 14/08/2016 21:08

I worked, years ago, in a fairly dysfunctional community where uncle/niece sexual relationships were commonplace. Therefore I think it probably is terribly inappropriate.

YouAreMyRain · 14/08/2016 21:08

"They have been messaging each other and video calling each other quite a bit when no-one is around"

This is secretive.

The teen porn is Angry

The combination is very inappropriate.

Not the same as openly saying eg "night handsome" to a nephew

fastdaytears · 14/08/2016 21:09

Yes and the passcode lock appearing

I'm really worried for this girl.

Celticlassie · 14/08/2016 21:20

I'd second what a pp said - if I heard about this and she was one of my pupils, I'd definitely report it as a child protection issue.

Original poster
tessie31082 · 14/08/2016 21:23

Ronald macdonald - I know her and her background - I basically looked after her 5 out of 7 nights while her mum was out with any man she could find from the age of 3 months to 2 1/2 when she finally married he youngest child's father (lasted a year). She IS needy and yes I snooped but only because his attitude / behaviour has changed. The porn was talked about last year - he said it was only an inquisitive look (obviously not if he's still looking)!
How do I approach him or her without sounding like an idiot if nothing is happening? My mind does work overtime and I do sometimes wonder about things - god don't know what to do or say :/

OP posts:
HairySubject · 14/08/2016 21:25

My ex always watched teen porn. When we split up he started a relationship with a 16 year old who really looks about 14/15. Totally disgusting to me but legally he is not doing anything wrong. He is 28.
No smoke without fire in my experience. She was a vunerable girl too living in supported housing.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 14/08/2016 21:29

Why are they only video calling when you're not around?

LuluJakey1 · 14/08/2016 21:29

I don't particularly think the 'gorgeous' is odd said aloud, in company. We have friends who both say it to their daughter. It is the texting and the 'aloneness' of it all, the privateness, alongside the teen porn, the very inappropriate photo and the sudden passcode - also that he flirts and can't see the difficulties that causes.

He is sleazy.

LuluJakey1 · 14/08/2016 21:30

I think you need to have it out with him and speak to her and your PIL.

Buzzardbird · 14/08/2016 21:34

She. Is. A. Child

YouAreMyRain · 14/08/2016 21:36

You could "innocently" speak to him about your concerns regarding her being vulnerable and that she might be "misinterpreting" his affection.

Mention where this could lead, ie accusations of grooming if teachers etc saw what you've seen.

What the implications of that "false" accusation would be- impact on the wider family, his job maybe? His access to children if SS/police get involved.

I would say that he needs to protect himself and cut out the flirtatiousness.

Ask him what his sis would say if she saw what you've seen

YouAreMyRain · 14/08/2016 21:37

Basically bring him down to earth with a bump and see how he reacts,

CoolioAndTheGang · 14/08/2016 21:50

That sounds weird Confused

Goingtobeawesome · 14/08/2016 21:58

You're with someone who likes looking at someone else teenager in little clothing and also likes sending messages to his niece who is a teenager.messages that are inappropriate. Your messages here are very odd. Caring more about looking a fool than the fact you're with a pervert.

RonaldMcDonald · 14/08/2016 22:02

I fail to see anything incriminating, personally
I see a lot of snooping and lack of honesty/communication
Worst for me though is that I see a lot of judgement from you OP of your partner's sister. I feel pretty sure you have managed to convey your feelings about her to him. I wonder if your feelings for her are clouding how you feel about his niece and as a knock on he is a little more secretive.
Obviously you have been very close to this girl since she was a baby. Could your partner not simply feel fatherly big brother is or simply chummy around her.
I hate it when grown women describe children from rocky backgrounds as needy. Of course they are. Wouldn't it be lovely if we tried to understand that and show compassion rather than use derogative terms.

I hope you sort some basic stuff out

McBassyPants · 14/08/2016 22:08

I'm with Ronald on this one. Nothing REALLY incriminating there. A flippant 'night gorgeous' does not prove someone is an incestuous pervert. Neither does watching "teen porn".

And everyone saying she is a child, she's 17, above the age of consent.

BringMeTea · 14/08/2016 22:12

Ronald Nothing incriminating except the 37 year old man has form for enjoying 'teen' porn. Yeah, he sounds like a stand up guy.

OP, I think your instinct is correct. This needs to be out in the open. He is probably not a man you want to stick by. Good luck. Flowers

Grannypants1 · 14/08/2016 22:19

If you even believe in your mind for a second that he is capable of that, innocent or not, there must be some other underlying issue. Also it does look very dodgy.

janaus · 15/08/2016 07:26

My thoughts are .... the teenage niece might have a teenage "crush" , H might be a little 'flattered', ego thing.

Its ok to call a 5 y.o. niece gorgeous, but not a 17 y.o.

I would ask H to set some boundaries, no inappropriate texts, etc.
Makes family situation very awkward.

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