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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable.......

64 replies

Newbie7 · 10/08/2016 21:27

Hello everyone,

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first child, I suffer from preeclampsia - yesterday I woke up and my underwear was really wet (TMI sorry) anyway to cut a long story short my fluids had been leaking and when doing the examination they discovered a cyst and as such I got kept in hospital.

My husband works away, so I called to tell him all the information, anyway he said he would grab some food and call me back. I tried calling him a few times to no answer and then his phone turns off. 2am he comes back to his accommodation totally drunk, when I said that it was unreasonable that his phone was off Incase I had needed him etc he said I was being needy and if anything had happened like labour etc it was obviously because I was doing something wrong. He said some truly vile things but I won't go into the details. Anyway, I was still in hospital all day today and not as much as a text or a call, when he text to say "we had to chat" at 7pm he said he couldn't be bothered speaking to me all day and the baby wasn't born so basically there was nothing he could do anyway.

Anyway, the chat consisted of me being told I am totally unreasonable asking him to have his phone on him, and basically if I had went into labour what did I expect him to do about it, he needs time out with his friends and I'm just irrational and needy. Now this evening he is saying he just wants time on his own and will call me if he can be bothered.

To be brutally honest I am used to him running me down and slagging me off, mainly when he has been drinking, but my main concern is he has shown absolutely no interest in the health of our baby, he swears it me and I expect to much, when actually he's never been to an antenatal appointment or scan and goes out drinking at least 4 times a week, I feel I've asked very little of him. so I guess the questions is am I being unreasonable expecting him to call me last night and today? I just needed some support :(

OP posts:
user1470264502 · 10/08/2016 23:31

What reason do you have to stay ? I have had my share of DH being a selfish pig but that is nothing in comparison . Get out whilst it's just you and babe it will only get harder if you stay

LondonRoo · 11/08/2016 07:56

This man has freaked out and abandoned you at the very point in which you need him most. He sounds utterly incapable of meeting your needs and being there for you and baby. You deserve so much better.

You are not needy. We are all human and we all have needs and imho in a relationship you have taken responsibility for looking after each other and bring there for each other. That's what it's about. He can't do relationships full stop. You can and if you can summon the courage to let him go, there will be other people and you can meet someone capable of love and it will be a completely different experience. But please, know your own worth and make sure any man who gets a look in treats you accordingly.

Let your midwife and the hospital staff know too - they will want to support you.

R

Ps. If you do leave, he may suddenly realise what he is losing and come rushing back - for your own sake and baby's, be very skeptical about anything he says or does in the aftermath of you leaving him.

MephistoMarley · 11/08/2016 08:06

Love isn't just a thing that happens to us, it's a choice. We make a choice to emotionally invest in a person and we make a choice to overlook shitty behaviour because we are choosing to be in love.
You've made a huge error by having a baby with this man but it doesn't mean the baby is an error or you have to continue with this crap life just because you have started it. You have the choice to fuck him off and raise your baby as a single parent. Or you could choose to stop expecting anything from this selfish loser because he isn't ever going to change.

KatharinaRosalie · 11/08/2016 08:27

I don't say it lightly, I totally understand what a massive thing leaving is, but please please consider leaving the bastard. It's easier now than when you have a newborn. Having a baby is such a massive thing and you will need a lot of support, but this man is not going to give you any. Quite the opposite - he will add to your stress, it will be easier alone. At least there's no-one upsetting you by vile words and behaviour.

Pre-eclampsia is a serious matter. Can you now imagine being home with a poorly tiny baby, calling him to come and help, and he will tell you those same things, that you are needy, it's your own fault and drinking with his friends is far more important?

Iamthinking · 11/08/2016 09:45

He is appalling, absolutely appalling.

Be prepared...he will not let you go easily, he will turn back to the man he used to be at weekends, he will be full of remorse, showing you all the love and kindness that he should have been showing all the time. You will need to be beyond strong to remember and keep remembering that you have seen the full him, and that other vile man you have encountered is still there and is HIM, the nice man is just the veneer. The abusive cunt will always be there and will be coming to the fore as soon as he feels comfortable that you are back in your place again.

Also, remember that it is not normal and OK to get drunk 4 times a week.

It is not normal and OK to be foul to your partner when drunk. That sounds a lot like a drink problem to me.

Speak to people in real life, you need a lot of support through this and online will only get you so far. My heart goes out to you.

YorkieDorkie · 11/08/2016 09:52

Jesus OP this is the worst example I've read of a woman in your position. Please please leave that bastard.

PaintedDrivesAndPolishedGrass · 11/08/2016 10:07

I'm sorry Op but anyfucker is right. She wasn't attacking you but giving you the verbal equivalent of a shoulder shake, wanting you to wake up to the reality of your situation.

Most of us commenting are older and wiser and are here to support you in any way we can.
If you stay with this man ( even if you didn't have a baby) he WILL break you. The fact that you had to ask were you being unreasonable means your self esteem must already be very low.
He will break you and trying to get back up after will be so much more difficult than going it alone now and as Anyfucker said, it will have a detrimental effect on your child.

Find your fire lovely, believe you are worthy of love and respect and protect you and your child from the pain this man will bring long term.

Gowgirl · 11/08/2016 10:15

Anyfucker isn't being nasty listen to her op. My dm was treated like this from the minute she was pregnant with my younger brother she married my ex step father and condemed herself and her children to 14 yrs of abusive hell, I took me till my 30's to be able to have an adult relationship due to this. LTB

KatharinaRosalie · 11/08/2016 10:31

Read this. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Can you say that you feel loved, respected and supported in this relationship? That your partner is treating you with kindness? That there is no abuse - that includes verbal. That you can count on him not to let you down? Those are some things that should be non-negotiable.

Gchnmum · 11/08/2016 10:51

Hi OP,

You are not being unreasonable, as you probably know preeclampsia is a very serious condition, so any decent DP, should want an update on how you and the baby are doing.

I'd suggest that you surround yourself with supportive family members and try to rest as much as possible. You really don't want your blood pressure to spike any more that it has already, (I know stress doesn't cause preeclampsia, but worrying can increase BP) otherwise the docs may think it's necessary to deliver early. It's hard not to let it get to you but you have to put your health and your baby's first.

I'm speaking from experience I had preeclampsia and delivered at 32 + 6 days, my DH was very supportive and was by my side all the way through it, but my preeclampsia couldn't be controlled.

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 11/01/2017 21:51

I don't say this lightly: LTB.

What an arsehole. You and your precious baby do not need this dead weight dragging you down.

Do you have a good support network of family and friends? I would surround myself with people who care about you, speak to your midwife and basically get rid.

Good luck with everything FlowersBrew

forgottenusername · 11/01/2017 22:07

Newbie, I'm not sure how new you are, but in case it's very new - in AIBU there is very, very rarely a thread one which everyone agrees.

The posters above me are all saying the same thing - please take it on board. It must be difficult to hear, especially late on in pregnancy when you have serious health issues. You are in no way being unreasonable. This man child does not have your best interests at heart. :(

Please ask for help from your mum, friends, midwife, British Legion - anyone who can give you real life support.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/01/2017 23:12

You're being unreasonable?? He's an ASSHOLE. I would have strangled him by now. You deserve so much better.

KenzieBoosMummy · 12/01/2017 00:10

I've noticed this thread was written in August. Any update???

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