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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable.......

64 replies

Newbie7 · 10/08/2016 21:27

Hello everyone,

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first child, I suffer from preeclampsia - yesterday I woke up and my underwear was really wet (TMI sorry) anyway to cut a long story short my fluids had been leaking and when doing the examination they discovered a cyst and as such I got kept in hospital.

My husband works away, so I called to tell him all the information, anyway he said he would grab some food and call me back. I tried calling him a few times to no answer and then his phone turns off. 2am he comes back to his accommodation totally drunk, when I said that it was unreasonable that his phone was off Incase I had needed him etc he said I was being needy and if anything had happened like labour etc it was obviously because I was doing something wrong. He said some truly vile things but I won't go into the details. Anyway, I was still in hospital all day today and not as much as a text or a call, when he text to say "we had to chat" at 7pm he said he couldn't be bothered speaking to me all day and the baby wasn't born so basically there was nothing he could do anyway.

Anyway, the chat consisted of me being told I am totally unreasonable asking him to have his phone on him, and basically if I had went into labour what did I expect him to do about it, he needs time out with his friends and I'm just irrational and needy. Now this evening he is saying he just wants time on his own and will call me if he can be bothered.

To be brutally honest I am used to him running me down and slagging me off, mainly when he has been drinking, but my main concern is he has shown absolutely no interest in the health of our baby, he swears it me and I expect to much, when actually he's never been to an antenatal appointment or scan and goes out drinking at least 4 times a week, I feel I've asked very little of him. so I guess the questions is am I being unreasonable expecting him to call me last night and today? I just needed some support :(

OP posts:
Cary2012 · 10/08/2016 22:25

The last thing you need is all this stress, he is a knob. Focus on yourself and baby. I had pre-eclampsia and it resulted in twins delivered ten weeks early by emergency c-sec, all turned out fine, but look after yourself and baby, he isn't worth a second thought.

AnyFucker · 10/08/2016 22:26

I just fell in love.

Oh, come on. You are a grown up now, about to become a mother. The examples we set for our children are crucial to their emotional well being.

Start using your head. This is not just about you now.

No one in their right mind thinks being treated like shit by a first class prick is love's dream against the odds

Wake up and kick this cruel piece of shit to the kerb before your child thinks this kind of behaviour is normal

rainbowstardrops · 10/08/2016 22:26

You poor thing - you are definitely not being unreasonable but he bloody is!!!!

I can not believe someone would treat their pregnant partner like this. If you carry on with this vile piece of scum then it will inevitably get worse.

I've been on MN on and off for about sixteen years but have my second LTB! Honestly, he's no good for you or your precious baby. Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 10/08/2016 22:29

It also sounds like he lives the life of Riley while he's 'working away'. He's never going to improve

category12 · 10/08/2016 22:29

OMG something is going badly wrong in the way we're raising women in this society.

Of course you're not unreasonable. Kick this utter prick out of your life.

Original poster
Newbie7 · 10/08/2016 22:35

Thank you to most of you for the encouraging words - it's honestly helped.

To the others I maybe a grown up, and I'm certainly not a troll - to insinuate I need to be a better mother is a bit harsh, I don't think there is many people who can say they haven't been caught up in a relationship, not everyone sees the light straight away. I've been with him three years and mostly only seen him at weekends before we got married due to his job, it wasn't until we were married (within the last year) that this became an everyday scenario. So I didn't set my bar low, I simply assumed the person I married was that person, it's only just coming to light that perhaps that's not the case.

I maybe guilty of brushing it under the carpet, but I'm not guilty of wanting to set my child a bad example.

OP posts:
Atenco · 10/08/2016 22:35

You would be unreasonable to stay with a cunt like this
This

Really, life as a single mum is a doddle compared to having to put up with someone like this.

Itsnottheendoftheworld · 10/08/2016 22:40

It will be a massive deal leaving someone whilst your pregnant. And so hard doing it alone. But please trust me when I say it will be much harder with that mill stone round your neck. Iv been where you are. I just wasted so much time trying to fix the relationship for the sake of our child.
Don't waste your time. Get strong get brave you and your baby will be fine with out him.
He's a complete dick. If you choose to stay with him write down what you will and will not accept. Choose your boundarys and stick with them. Get some clarity of thought wrote down so you can read it when your emotions get the better of you.
These things helped me massively.

newname99 · 10/08/2016 22:41

How old are you? I just wish you could see and feel that you deserve better.I assume your partner is in the forces? If this is the cas e you maybe able to get practical support.

You don't need to tolerate this, you can be loved by a decent man.I really feel for you as being pregnant makes you feel vulnerable but if you reach out to people, talk about how badly your partner is behaving you will be supported.

Please don't tolerate this man.He may try to charm you when he's had his fun but his behaviour is so selfish he's unlike to change.

Original poster
Newbie7 · 10/08/2016 22:42

Thank you / it's good to hear from someone who has been there and came out the other side.

I think il go to a nearby hotel for a couple of days and ask my mum to come down, give me some space to think. I can't really travel far due to BP checks for the pre eclampsia but maybe a different setting will help gain some perspective.

OP posts:
smilingeyes11 · 10/08/2016 22:44

These abusive pricks often get much worse once you are pregnant. Do yourself and your baby a favour and get rid of him like yesterday. He is utterly vile - and I dread to think what other awful things he has said to you. Saying this has happened because you did something wrong - that is one of the worst things I have ever heard. That alone is enough to get rid of him.

I hope you are ok healthwise and the baby arrives safely for you. It is such a worrying, vulnerable time for you and this is when he should be cherishing and protecting you. My heart breaks when I think of you in hospital and he doesn't give a toss about anyone except himself.

Original poster
Newbie7 · 10/08/2016 22:45

Hello,

I am 28 and yes he's in the forces - he's also the welfare officer ( ironic I know) so it's difficult on the practical support front.

I think you have hit the nail on the head, he is selfish and that's just a character trait that probably will get worse when there is a baby around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbie7 · 10/08/2016 22:47

Thank you smiling eyes, the kind words mean a lot right now.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 10/08/2016 22:47

Not probably, definitely. Any problems in a relationship are magnified once a baby arrives! Please get away from this man.

Notmoreantihistamines · 10/08/2016 22:48

Christ alive. No one, not a brain surgeon, tree surgeon, SAS, plumber, vet, customer relations, manager, junior, (ie every range and spectrum of occupation) is too important to ignore your first pregnamcy pre eclampsia.

You can't cope with two children. One of them has to go.

First ever ltb.

Amythest001 · 10/08/2016 22:51

Wow he sounds vile...
My ex was abusive and some the best times of my life was as a single mum very far away from him!
Can you get support from midwife/health visitor?
You absolutely need to put you and your baby first Flowers

AyeAmarok · 10/08/2016 22:52

Have you thought about having this baby alone?

Gazelda · 10/08/2016 22:58

Tell him to fuck off. And mean it.

JigglypuffsCaptor · 10/08/2016 23:00

OP are you an "Army Wife"?

I only ask because of you are, and you need help, you are eligible for support from service charities to get you out of this. Don't feel stuck!

I went in to pre term Labour at 24weeks, my DP drove 3hours to the hospital I was at shattered after a week in the field with no sleep and mock battles to be at my side. He never once complained about being tired though I could tell from his blood shoot eyes, the mud still on his hands and the dark circles round his eyes he was exhausted. Lucky for us DS didn't make an arrival.

Honestly you are not in a healthy relationship!

glintwithpersperation · 10/08/2016 23:01

You can get your care transferred to your mums home town. Hospitals transfer care all if the time. Get away from this man before your have the baby. He will ruin your early times with the new baby. You may develop PND and struggle to get away. Tell your midwife about the abuse.
He is a cunt of epic proportions

SandyY2K · 10/08/2016 23:05

I'm truly flabbergasted that you're here asking this question. I am speechless .... well almost.

What kind of childhood and role models have you had in life, that make you think his behavior is acceptable on any level?

Why would you bring a child into this world with such a horrible man as a father? I would have no hesitation in leaving this marriage immediately quite frankly.

This is one where I have no hesitation in saying get the hell out of the sham of a marriage.

JigglypuffsCaptor · 10/08/2016 23:06

I've just caught up on your last post. You don't need the Army welfare system.

Give The Royal British Legion a call they are available 8am till 8pm Mon - Sun on 0808 802 8080

Also browse The rights of Women a small charity that offer legal advice free of charge to women.

Sign on to the local authority housing list if you can either where you support network is or where you want to be (if you have no local ties however the latter will be difficul)

If you need any more advice let me know, the help both financially and emotionally is available to help you out of this is if you want it Flowers

tipsytrifle · 10/08/2016 23:07

wow - he's really shown himself to be 50 shades of nasty narcisssistic shit hasn't he? We all get taken in - but it's time to take yourself out of there. He may be the welfare officer but he must have a superior? Thought I'd heard that wives in vulnerable a situations had priority for staying put in army accommodation. could be wrong or out of date on that but worth finding out the next level up because you're going to need a nest for recovery very soon. Without him in my opinion. Then ideally you would work out a plan to end this utter betrayal. I'm truly disgusted by his behaviour.

AF is totally right. He's nailed his (possibly alcoholic) red flags to your life atm and I'm hoping like crazy that you can reach some clarity in the best interest of your actual survival. Because this is going to get worse if you don't head it off at the pass. Brilliant timing, eh?

You sound like you have courage, grit and spirit. Might be time to use those qualities on full blast. Have you spoken to women's aid?

tipsytrifle · 10/08/2016 23:08

Excellent posts above mine ( i took too long typing)

FellOutOfBed2wice · 10/08/2016 23:21

That's one of the worst things I've ever read on here. You need to leave this man.