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Original poster

Secret families, how common are they I wonder?

91 replies

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 10/08/2016 20:48

Not going to bother to name change here.
The children of my close neighbours of 20 years informed me many years ago they had a half sibling. The father had an affair and the child was born 6 months after the middle child. This child was acknowledged and accepted by all members of the family.
FFW 19 years and I am mooching in a charity shop when I see two children who look familiar. I say this because they look so much like my neighbours children when they were small.
One child pipes up; " Daddy can I have this?" and I turn around to see my neighbour with another woman and the two children.
I pretend not to have seen them and depart to the car park. As I get into my car I see he is wearing sunglasses.
I have done my maths; these are not his grandkids.BTW he's mid 50's, not at all well off/good looking or charismatic in any shape or form.
I really don't get how he can lead such a double life.
I know this sounds incredibly far fetched. I have not shared this with anyone in RL. I don't want to tell his wife or kids.
His eldest is getting married next month and I really think Its not of my business to say anything to them.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 15/08/2016 21:57

I have a half sibling. I don't know his name. I don't think he knows I exist. Neither does his mum.

Original poster
AnotherPrickInTheWall · 15/08/2016 22:23

How can his own mother not know of his existence ?

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 15/08/2016 22:27

His mum doesn't know I exist. I am the secret child

Original poster
AnotherPrickInTheWall · 15/08/2016 22:31

Are you not curious ?? Do you want to meet your half sibling?
Do you have a father figure in your life?

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 15/08/2016 22:44

My bio dad buggered off when I was a baby. Bio dad married someone else and had a baby who is my step brother. Technically. I don't know my bio dad except his first name. He is still married 30 plus years later and his wife and son have no idea that he has another child.

Bio dad has been in contact with my mum. But has never been in touch with me.

I do have a step dad that I call dad, he has been a father figure since I was a toddler.

DesolateWaist · 15/08/2016 23:14

I don't understand how they can afford to support two families. Or how they manage Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc.

It seems an awful lot of effort for a few extra shags doesn't it.

kittykittykitty5 · 15/08/2016 23:43

My DF did exactly this. He had many affairs when I was little, but the age of my half-siblings tells me that one particular affair never ended.

Amy214 · 16/08/2016 11:09

My dds dad cheated on me with my best friend (she had a boyfriend at the same time) the two of them weren't keen on me being in the same room as them both. Dds dad left me when i was pregnant, my friend and ex failed to tell me she was pregnant (friend didn't speak to me anymore and i couldn't understand why) her son was born a month after my dd and after a few months the two children started to look really similar (same eyes, nose, hair colour) almost like twins. I'm convinced my dd has a half-brother out there but as dds dad isn't involved anymore i can't ask (even if i did ask he would deny it) i know he is still friends with them and as far as i know frineds boyfriend doesn't know anything. Dds dad has another girlfriend and i have no idea if they are expecting.

TinyPawz · 17/08/2016 02:33

I was the unknowingly the secret family. All came out when police came looking for my estranged DH about a bigamy case. My Dd has at least 5 half siblings.

Bogeyface · 17/08/2016 03:12

Shitting hell tiny, that must be horrific.

So presumably you are the wife and the mother of the other children is the "wife"?

tigerdog · 17/08/2016 03:14

My dad had a long term affair/double life, thankfully no kids though. Started when I was around 6 apparently, then there was a long period of working away during the week from when I was 11 until I turned 21 (and my siblings were 15 and 18) when he finally left my mum. Still wasn't honest about it then, but this women appeared shortly after the split and moved in. We have gleaned information from others but don't know the full story. They have photos on display in their house from at least 6 years before the relationship came to light, but I have not had the honest truth from my dad.

I think that OW may have wanted kids but it didn't happen. I feel a bit sorry for her really, all that time as a secret/half life. They are still together now.

If there had been kids, that would have killed my relationship with my DF I think - him not loving my mum was one thing, but him leaving us for another family would have been devastating.

KickAssAngel · 17/08/2016 03:45

I can understand someone who has a subsequent relationship and keeps quiet about the earlier one (how thye get away with it, not why they pretend their wife/kids never existed) but how does someone have tow 'marriages' and family homes on the go at the same time?

I worked with someone who had a wife and 3 kids, then he had a mistress in a nice flat he provided (she worked for her own spending money) AND he had a long running shagging arrangement with another woman at work - who was his wife's best friend.

Shag-buddy at work knew about the wife, but not the woman in the flat. Woman in flat knew about the wife but not the shag-buddy at work. Wife didn't know about either of the other two.

Just - how ? How much time/money must he have been spending to raise one family, provide a flat and take shag-buddy out for dates? How much time did he have? He also had tow jobs. It's quite impressive, although horribly seedy. He also tried it on with any woman he thought he might get lucky with, whether they were married or single!

Kiwiinkits · 17/08/2016 04:00

Flippant but this reminds me of Alan Partridge's little song Bigamy at Christmas

Bigamy at Christmas
What am I to do?
Spend it with the family
I can't, I've got two

Alachia · 17/08/2016 05:07

Tiny

That's horrible. What a shock it must have been. I hope things are better for you now.

Timetogetup0630 · 17/08/2016 05:42

I had a neighbour who used to go away for " Golfing weekends". This went on for years. He was married with a wife and two kids. Pillar of the community sort of chap.
When wife died of cancer, he brought his other woman ( who was much younger) and his secret daughter to live in the house. By then his kids from first marriage had left home.
Surprisingly they all speak to each other.

Timetogetup0630 · 17/08/2016 05:44

I assume that many men start the second relationship but don't have the bottle to end the first. Or stay in the first relationship for some reason, that to them is justifiable?

StrawberrytallCake · 17/08/2016 05:51

A'friend' of mine has a 9 month old baby with a married man, his dw was pregnant at the same time and has no idea. I really want to tell her but won't as it's not my place.

'Friend' knows his dw and has decided it is for the best to keep her dd a secret, poor baby!

MrsBrent · 17/08/2016 06:17

I know of 3 and in all cases the siblings know but don't want to meet.
They were the products of long term affairs

MoonDuke · 17/08/2016 08:24

I know a secret child (now adult). Product of a 10 year affair. Wife has 2 DC (8&6 years older). OW has 1.

OW knew about wife. Wife doesn't know about OW or secret DC...or didn't until the husband developed Alzheimer's. Secret child never been formally acknowledged though.

His dad was very present during his childhood, having breakfast and dinner together several times a week, celebrating birthdays, having Christmas a few days earlier. No holidays together though.

Secret child knew about other family from quite early on. Not nice.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/08/2016 08:28

You say the child has been accepted by everyone then imply the wife doesn't know. Plus, what does him not being good looking or well off in your eyes have to do with anything? Do you think only handsome and rich men should have kids ?

Everyone knows my "father" had me when 20 but no one ever bothers with me. I'm the nuisance child, abandoned to care, not wanted. It's shit. At least this child has his father in his life.

KickAssAngel · 17/08/2016 14:00

But having a long-term affair that the second family knows about isn't as hard. How can someone have TWO concurrent families without either of them knowing about they other? How can someone explain nights/weekends/Christmas/holidays away? I would assume that 'wife' in both families must work, and think that their DH works in some high powered super stressful demanding job, which pays a pittance.

(GoingToBe that sucks. I really wish UK law and opinions would change so that men can't just walk away like that)

I sometimes wonder on these threads about men who refuse to marry, or who won't pool finances and contribute very little, if in fact they have another family elsewhere. But wouldn't someone notice if their life partner is missing for half the time?

Women could only get away with it if they never had kids.

Goingtobeawesome · 17/08/2016 14:05

Kick - he didn't want a baby. My "mother" said she was on the pill. I think she thought he'd stay with her if she was pregnant..

Chattymummyhere · 17/08/2016 16:39

My bio father is the type.

Turn out he was married while dating my mother and another women. All three where pregnant by him within the space of a few months. Last unofficial count 5 half brothers and 2 half sisters the most he has had with any one women was two children. This was 8 ish year ago I last really bothered about it so it could be more, I know some of my "siblings" have children which I found out by ending up friends with the wife's daughter no idea if she told her mum or brother that she had met me.

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 17/08/2016 17:56

theNaze

I've heard that statistic, but as 1 in 10.

TinyPawz · 19/08/2016 09:29

Unfortunately no I'm the second wife. Was an awful shock and has taken a long time to rebuild my life. The bigamy case was dropped due to some batshit loophole from 1800's. Police were not best please, neither was I