Secret families, how common are they I wonder?

[AnotherPrickInTheWall]

Not going to bother to name change here.
The children of my close neighbours of 20 years informed me many years ago they had a half sibling. The father had an affair and the child was born 6 months after the middle child. This child was acknowledged and accepted by all members of the family.
FFW 19 years and I am mooching in a charity shop when I see two children who look familiar. I say this because they look so much like my neighbours children when they were small.
One child pipes up; " Daddy can I have this?" and I turn around to see my neighbour with another woman and the two children.
I pretend not to have seen them and depart to the car park. As I get into my car I see he is wearing sunglasses.
I have done my maths; these are not his grandkids.BTW he's mid 50's, not at all well off/good looking or charismatic in any shape or form.
I really don't get how he can lead such a double life.
I know this sounds incredibly far fetched. I have not shared this with anyone in RL. I don't want to tell his wife or kids.
His eldest is getting married next month and I really think Its not of my business to say anything to them.

I guess this breaks into two distinct categories, the ones where the man has an affair and a child is a result. Man stays married, his DW and family don’t know about the other child. Almost an accidental “other family”.

The other “type” being where the man actively maintains two families simultaneously. Both types will require the man to be a narcissistic sociopath, but the second type must be a seriously damaged individual.

There was a thread on here a few months ago about this. One poster (a woman who was the result of the second type) said her childhood was happy and her parents were moral and honest people (despite the fact that she only sees her DF a couple of times per week throughout her life, as he had a “real family). Obviously his “real” DW and children were unaware of her. This shows these seriously damaged individuals can pass on their mayhem as “normal” behaviour.

I found out recently my friend has two homes. No children involved, but one a long term partner and the other her husband.

She is trying for a baby (I don't know who with).

I was shocked - she seems such an honest person with high morals.

I have ended our friendship.

I think this is far more common than a lot of people think. As most affairs are driven by sex & because of the obvious consequences, I think there are a lot of dual family Dads. To counter that, I read that 1 in 50 Uk Dads are also bringing up children, they think are biologically their's but, aren't, which is equally as shocking & just proves that it takes two to tango & is down to both sexes playing away. Really sad for the children on both sides, if they ever found out the truth

Here is the ultimate in secret families and the damage a double life can cause

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2163298/Andrew-Ingham-hanged-secret-double-life-2-wives-12-children-exposed.html

Not to the extent of the stories above but my ex did this.

She lied to me saying he was working group shifts and to the OW that his Mum was really ill.

In my case he would wait for me to go to work, go to his own as normal and "leave for the night shift" before I got home. He would finish his normal shift and stay with OW and her son.

In her case he would be at work (they worked together) and then have to go and "look after his Mum" and come home to our house, quick shower before I got in and claimed to have been sleeping most of the day.

He also once went out on a boys night on a Friday and didn't come home until the Sunday. Switched his phone off. I was worried sick.

He pushed back a holiday we were planning as he had to go to a works conference abroad he was on holiday with OW and her child.

I found out, ended it, told her everything and they then stayed together for a few years. I believe he got another woman pregnant and this caused the breakdown of their relationship.

Ironically I found out because I'd known for a long time something wasn't right. I'd checked his work phone when he did his disappearing act and found naked pictures of another woman. Phoned her and she actually worked with both of them and told me about their relationship. I wanted proof so kept digging and eventually found a payslip belonging to the other woman and several emails.

A million more lies I could tell which I've not thought about for years. It shattered my confidence at the time. I was young, naive and heartbroken.

I was going to include this in my first post. My nephew is a policeman about 10-15 years ago, he got called to a house death. House looked normal, woman was there crying, photo’s of the couple, man’s clothes in wardrobes etc. All looked normal (it transpired that the man had died of natural causes). Long story short, man had died at his second family home.

My nephew had to go around to the “real” family home and explain their husband and father had died. Then he had to navigate through the unfolding car crash of explaining where the man had died etc etc.

Sorry for the typos group should have been night. She/he etc etc

I have a relative who is the mother of a secret child. The father was living away from his wife and children for work during the week, and persuaded my relative he was separated and only went back at weekends to see the children, who were teens at the time. Of course he was a big fat liar, and my relative ended the relationship while her child was still a baby, but the man had regular contact with his secret child.

Fast forward twelve years and the man dies suddenly and unexpectedly. Secret child is named in his will and all hell breaks loose as secret child is no longer secret.

My DMs friend was the secret family, she had 3 DCs with a man who had another family. It was a long time ago though & she is dead now. She was a very religious woman as well, I'm not sure how she squared that with her conscience. I know of another friend whose DF had a secret family but they never mention it so neither do I.

There was a TV program with one of the Sex in the City stars where they uncovered a secret family, I think they thought he was doing some secret war work.

My grandparents divorced at the end of the 2nd World War when my Mum was a few years old. They divorced because my Grandmother discovered my Grandfather had got another woman pregnant. After the divorce she wouldn't let Mum and her two siblings have any contact with their father. He then went on to marry the other woman and they ended up having 3 children together.

In the 1990s Mum got a call from a man who said he thought he was her half-brother. Apparently their father and his wife had both died and when the children were sorting through their papers etc. they discovered his original marriage certificate and my Aunt's birth certificate. Until then, they had no idea that he'd had another family.

It's quite sad really. My Uncle was quite pleased as he'd never had a brother before and is still in touch with this man and his wife. My Mum was never particularly interested. I think her feelings were clouded out of loyalty to her Mum.

I don't understand how they can afford to support two families. Or how they manage Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc.
A friend of ours eventually had a break down after 7 years of living a double life with 2 homes with 2 women, luckily no.children involved and both women high earners.
When it all.came out one of the women stuck.by him and he married her.

We've know a friend for about 8-9 years. When we first met him he had married parents and two sisters and a normal life. About 5 years ago his mum died of cancer. After her death his dad confessed to having a previous family that he'd kept secret. He know has two brothers too.
It was quite a difficult time for him but he's fairly close to his brothers now.
they don't understand the secrecy. The previous family was from before he met my friend's mum.

I can understand how the juggling works if the OW knows that she's the OW. But you often hear about cases where both families have been conviced they are the 'legitimate' one. That must be an amazing juggling act - 2 full time families? I can barely handle one..

Someone said earlier "what if these secret half siblings get together"

Almost but not quite. My DSis has 2 DC with her exh and 2 younger DC with a man she used to live with. She knew he had been in previous relationships and had older kids, she new the most recent ex (who has 3 DC with him) about her .

Fast forward to when the eldest DD starts going to a local pub, she gets chatted up by a lad when a mutual friend comes over and says "you can't get with her....I mean I know your not blood related but her half brothers are your half brothers so that'd just be weird".

Turns out he's also this guys son, my niece know about him but not who he was...he on the other hand knew nothing about his DF having 2 more DC with my sister...Shit hit the fan big time!!!!

Lord that was Kim Catrall. It was really upsetting for her mum and aunts when they found out that their dad had another woman on the go and basically just abandoned his first family and fucked off from Liverpool to America (I think) with the OW and started again. It was questionable whether the OW knew that he was married with a family, iirc I think he committed bigamy.

www.whodoyouthinkyouaremagazine.com/episode/kim-cattrall

I'm not sure if this is a secret family but we found out when my grandmother died that she had changed her name by deedpoll to match my grandfathers.

It turns out that my grandfather had a family (not sure how many DC) and wanted out of that relationship. He left them and moved 100 miles north and met my grandmother.

So my DF and DAunt have all these half-siblings living somewhere that they have never met or officially heard about.

Thanks bogeyface I couldn't remember the name of the programme.

I know of a local 'pillar of the community' who died in his second wife's bath.
It transpired that he had five dcs with his legitimate wife and four with his second one who lived only three streets away.
Neither knew about the other although some of the dcs were in the same classes at school. He'd told second 'wife' he had a double barrelled surname 😳

some of the dcs were in the same classes at school. - lucky they were never invited to each other's birthday parties or playdates, that would have been interesting.

Actually my own mum discovered in her 50s that she has a half sister. Born a few months before my grandpa married my grandma. As grandfather fucked off and was never really a part of my mum's life either, it luckily was not a big shock but rather a nice surprise.

lord if you google her and WDYTYA then there is a 40 odd minute video on Youtube of the program, watching myself over the weekend as I remember that being a particularly moving episode.

DH's great grandfather went abroad and was going to send for his wife and children. The letter never arrived.
By the unforeseen wonders of the internet it appears he married and raised a family in his adopted country.
I bet that was a common scenario.

DH got sent a letter by one of his patients (he's a HCP) that he'd treated that day saying that his DF was the father of her child and he had a little brother. She used to work with FIL. DH told BIL and they agreed to forget it happened. I couldn't have done that but there you go

I still feel sad when I think about that terrible case a few years ago where that dad (philpott) had 2 girlfriends, with kids by both, and they all lived together in one house. He had a caravan in the garden for whomever he decided to shag that night!

Got talking to a mutual neighbour of "secret daddy". We were discussing his DD's wedding. She asked if I could keep a secret; she and her ex had seen him about 5 years ago with a baby boy in a buggy; she described the woman ( mother??) in detail and commented on the fact our neighbour did a U turn upon seeing them.