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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't cope with the pain of infidelity

39 replies

AudreyAnn · 10/08/2016 02:47

Hi everyone I feel I need to talk to someone as I feel so lost and bewildered. My husband finally confessed to having an affair a few days ago. He always denied it before tho I knew almost 100% it had occurred. The affair happened around 2.5 years ago. At the time he was struck by mental health issues which were diagnosed as depression but which felt like so much worse. He became a completely different person. Almost like someone had taken over his body. He could feel no love for me or his children. He left me twice each time due to feeling emotionless. He also got mixed up in serious illegal activities. Basically everything was so out of character. This in itself was devastating to deal with, that the man who always had adored me was now saying he felt nothing. Before the depression he was the most loving loyal husband. He returned home in Dec 2014 and we've been great since. His depression seems to be under control. However I couldn't forget about my suspicion of the affair. I confronted him so many times only to be told he hadn't. I asked this again a few nights ago and this times he admitted it. He says he is sure it was due to the depression that he wasn't in his right frame of mind. I educated myself in depression at the time so I understand this is likely true. It lasted around 4 months and started off as friends (he met her through personal training). I feel I want us to work and he does seem sorry but I'm just feeling so lost. I thought when he finally admitted it we could truly move on and get closure. But before I always had the option of thinking no he didn't. Now I know he absolutely did have an affair. I am fluctuating between hope and being certain we can come through this stronger to feeling absolute despair. The pain at times is taking the breath from me. I am so heartbroken. I honestly had always trusted him 100% and that is not naivety - I was previously married to a cheater and chose to divorce him. I waited years to marry my second husband to be sure he was a good man I could trust. I guess that's why it's killing me - he knew how I felt about affairs and what it would do to me. Has anyone had experience of surviving an affair? I just need someone to talk to. I feel I'm going out of my mind with grief

OP posts:

Abmama91 · 10/08/2016 03:26

AudreyAnn I really feel for you
Feeling like you can't trust someone as close as a husband/partner is the most sickening feeling in the world. I found suspicious messages on my partners phone this time last year and it's really been on the backburner all this time although he absolutely denies anything took place. We had a massive row, after being together for eight years from a very young age, we had just finally moved in together and I was newly pregnant! It couldn't have happened at a worse time and has honestly left a slightly bitter undertone to a lot of our relationship since. We are trying to work through, I am trying to forget (since he vehemently denies, even though the texts were pretty black and white) and trying to move on for DC's sake.
How do you feel having had an admission? Do you feel relief that you know and do you feel that it is something that you might be able to put behind you? Or do you think that you will always have it play on your mind? Harbouring resentment can sour a relationship beyond repair (I've felt ours is at that stage more than once recently)
How is your relationship otherwise? Sometimes these things are hard to get over but worth working through if you have a great/loving relationship otherwise. Your DH's depression may have been a factor in why it happened especially if he did other things st the time that were so out of character for him.
Hugs for you x

Original poster

AudreyAnn · 10/08/2016 04:01

Thank you so much for your message. Things are really good otherwise. I think that's why I think I can make the effort to try to save our marriage. Since he came home almost 2 years ago he has been his old self. He has made huge efforts to better himself such as taking a degree course and distancing himself from people who were dragging him in the wrong directions. I have had no reason to distrust him since he returned. I always thought having a confession would help as I felt I was going insane knowing all the signs of an affair were there but he kept denying it. He nows says he couldn't tell me as he was so ashamed and was scared of losing me. He finally admitted it as he saw how I was changing as a person with living with these suspicions. He is doing all he can to save us such as telling me the truth about whatever I ask painful or not. We have ordered some books we are working through and being so much more honest. He has confessed to other things such as increasing debt tho this is nowhere near as painful as the affair. I guess I'm just struggling with the betrayal when he knew what I'd been through in my first marriage. I've been through some horrendous things but this is the worst by far. I am so scared of giving him another chance only for this to happen again in the future. I always thought I would leave someone who was unfaithful no matter what but if he truly did it due to the depression the he was ill and I vowed to love him in sickness and in health! I guess only time can take away the majority of the intense feelings of panic and reeling from the shock. I am so sorry to hear you have worries about your partner too. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. Lots of love

OP posts:

tralaaa · 10/08/2016 06:22

You will feel hurt but it will pass and you will ok. This is in the past when he was ill. He loves you and you love him talk to him when this happened to me I said hurt me with the truth not with lies once you have the truth you can deal with things better. Now you know you both can move on. Nothing lasts forever good or bad this will pass it will become your past just as his illness and affair has. Be kind be brave be strong you will get over this you have got over worse

SandyY2K · 10/08/2016 06:39

Audrey

Your pain is normal even though the affair was a couple of years ago, as you have JFO (just found out).

Check out this site which have over 50000 members affected by infidelity and have been where you are.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Original poster

AudreyAnn · 10/08/2016 06:42

Thank you for your wise words. Did you find it became easier to live with? I was 100% sure he was the most loyal husband any one could hope for. I guess I feel so scared if he can do it once he can do it again X

OP posts:

tralaaa · 10/08/2016 07:10

It will be easier you will hurt. Everyone makes mistakes, anyone can have affairs, you know him, he was ill, it was a bad time and she was a mistake. He is with you cause he loves you, you will worry about it happening again but really he's not likely too is he. Remember he is with you because he wants to be let this pass you both will be ok. I bet he really regrets it

Original poster

AudreyAnn · 10/08/2016 07:52

Thank you for taking the time to talk. I can't talk to anyone as I wouldn't want to involve our families. That could affect our recovery and cause tension. I don't want to confide in my best friend as I know she will tell me to leave him and get myself on tinder

OP posts:

tralaaa · 10/08/2016 08:14

Yes keep it to yourself your family will judge and hurt for you. This is in the past, I only told one person at the time 10 years ago - we are very happy we don't talk about it because we don't need too but we did talk about it at the time. Your hurting now but it will pass.

Original poster

AudreyAnn · 10/08/2016 08:15

Thank you sandyY2K I will have a look at that website X

OP posts:

Original poster

AudreyAnn · 10/08/2016 08:16

Tralaaa thank you. It's very reassuring to hear you are happy together now having been through this X

OP posts:

DoinItFine · 10/08/2016 10:07

It sounds to me like he left you and fekt nothing for you because he was in live with someone else.

All the "symptoms" you describe are pretty much standard affair behaviour.

As is trying to blame it all on a breakdown.

He had an affair, has tajen zero respinsibility for it.

Lied to you for two years for his own benefit.

And now you are not allowed any real life support in dealing with what he did to you.

Let's hope he never gets "depressed" again, eh?

RedMapleLeaf · 10/08/2016 10:10

I think you need to confide in one or two key people, dealing with this alone can make you lose your mind. He should also be honest with key people, such as his parents in my opinion.

TheSnowFairy · 10/08/2016 10:11

Doin

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 10/08/2016 10:11

What Doin' said.

rumred · 10/08/2016 10:13

I think keeping his dirty secret only benefits him. He has betrayed you and treated you like dirt. You need the support of friends, not someone like this who doesn't respect you

Abmama91 · 10/08/2016 10:23

AudreyAnn you're welcome I think it helps to talk, but as another poster said I have chosen not to confide in family even though I would love to because (and they'd be well within their rights) I think they would treat him differently and I don't want a wedge between him and my family for our baby's sake especially as we are trying to work through and I haven't actually had a confession. But in your case only you know your marriage and you sound more than willing to make it work. You do what's right for you and your children, if it's something you can work through then go for it. I'd just say though if the arguments become a daily occurrence and you start to resent him or if you feel the trust is completely gone do what is right for you. Hugs x

RedMapleLeaf · 10/08/2016 10:34

we are trying to work through and I haven't actually had a confession.

That sounds like a contradiction.

RedMapleLeaf · 10/08/2016 10:35

Sorry, also this, I have chosen not to confide in family even though I would love to because (and they'd be well within their rights) I think they would treat him differently and I don't want a wedge between him and my family for our baby's sake

It wouldn't be your talking to family, or their response, that would be driving a wedge anywhere! His infidelity and lying has already done that.

Abmama91 · 10/08/2016 10:42

Red as I mentioned before I haven't actually had a confession from him, I found messages that suggested he had cheated but he has denied completely. Also I don't want a wedge between him and my family for the sake of our young child, whatever there may be between us.

Abmama91 · 10/08/2016 10:42

RedMapleLeaf · 10/08/2016 10:48

I mean this kindly, but I'm trying to point out that the wedge is already there. You wouldn't want it there, but that's been taken out of your hands by his actions.

It reminds me of the advice that a woman stay with a cheating man so that they don't break up the family. Of course, the family is already broken by this point. I think it's very important that MN be one of those corners of the Internet where man-pleasing bollocks isn't the default.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 10/08/2016 10:54

I want to preface this with I am NOT defending him in any way, shape or form. He should never have cheated (obviously) but since he did he should have told you. insisting for almost 3 years he didn't... That doesn't sit well with me and to be honest I see some truth in Doin's post. Maybe it was six of one and half a dozen of the other?

Anyway, I was going to say at least when he was honest he was actually honest. 99% of cheaters minimise. You know, like: It was just a kiss. Okay, we had sex once. Okay, we were together but it was only sex and I thought about you the whole time. Okay, I was with her for a long time and had emotional feelings for her too.

Men tend to admit to what they can get away with, so at least he told you the whole story.

Abmama91 · 10/08/2016 10:55

Red man pleasing bollocks is definitely not my agenda here, some people's relationships can survive an affair and some can't. I haven't decided which one ours is yet and neither has the OP. I'd never stay with someone just to keep the family unit together (as I also said but you seem to have overlooked, if the trust is gone she needs to do what's right for her). I've chosen not to confide in family because I feel that it would ruin our relationship beyond repair if family think he has cheated (I don't even definitely know that this is the case yet). I was simply offering my experience and how I feel.

Fontella · 10/08/2016 10:58

as we are trying to work through and I haven't actually had a confession

How can you 'work through' when the person you are working through with won't even admit to what he's done?

All the time he's in denial, your working through process involves your H lying to both you and himself and you trying to forgive and forget.

DoinItFine · 10/08/2016 11:01

There is no reason to believe he has told "the whole story" after lying for years.

If he's still pretending depression made him do it and it wae not a choice he made, then he's massively minimising.

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