Can't cope with the pain of infidelity

[AudreyAnn]

Hi everyone I feel I need to talk to someone as I feel so lost and bewildered. My husband finally confessed to having an affair a few days ago. He always denied it before tho I knew almost 100% it had occurred. The affair happened around 2.5 years ago. At the time he was struck by mental health issues which were diagnosed as depression but which felt like so much worse. He became a completely different person. Almost like someone had taken over his body. He could feel no love for me or his children. He left me twice each time due to feeling emotionless. He also got mixed up in serious illegal activities. Basically everything was so out of character. This in itself was devastating to deal with, that the man who always had adored me was now saying he felt nothing. Before the depression he was the most loving loyal husband. He returned home in Dec 2014 and we've been great since. His depression seems to be under control. However I couldn't forget about my suspicion of the affair. I confronted him so many times only to be told he hadn't. I asked this again a few nights ago and this times he admitted it. He says he is sure it was due to the depression that he wasn't in his right frame of mind. I educated myself in depression at the time so I understand this is likely true. It lasted around 4 months and started off as friends (he met her through personal training). I feel I want us to work and he does seem sorry but I'm just feeling so lost. I thought when he finally admitted it we could truly move on and get closure. But before I always had the option of thinking no he didn't. Now I know he absolutely did have an affair. I am fluctuating between hope and being certain we can come through this stronger to feeling absolute despair. The pain at times is taking the breath from me. I am so heartbroken. I honestly had always trusted him 100% and that is not naivety - I was previously married to a cheater and chose to divorce him. I waited years to marry my second husband to be sure he was a good man I could trust. I guess that's why it's killing me - he knew how I felt about affairs and what it would do to me. Has anyone had experience of surviving an affair? I just need someone to talk to. I feel I'm going out of my mind with grief

Doin But why would he lie in such detail when it makes him look so bad?

Also, with the depression, I have it, and badly. To me it sounds like he was mildly depressed and a cheater, so 50/50.

OP please don't let him blame his affair on depression. I have it, lots of people have it. It doesn't make you cheat. If anything, it makes you less likely to cheat because you're so lethargic and numb!

I'm sorry this has happened.
I agree with previous posters regarding the depression. Cheaters frequently feel nothing for their families and appear depressed. Cheating often causes what looks like depression.

Even if he was depressed, so what? Lots of people deal with depression(or worse) on a daily basis and they don't treat themselves to an affair. Every betrayed spouse wants to know why. This did not happen because he was depressed. It happened because of particular qualities he has such as selfishness and entitlement. I would not accept any excuses about being depressed.Usually the cheater has been displaying selfish entitled behaviour for a very long time.

Who's idea was it to order the books? I would insist he attends individual counselling.

He actually was very depressed. He was seen many times by his GP who then referred him to a community psychiatric nurse and then required visits with an actual psychiatric nurse

A doctor in psychiatry I meant to say.

It was in the past - leave it there - work through it and be happy again Dgc turned up will post later you can pm me don't give up

It was in the past for Him but Audrey has only just found out. And believe me those first few days/months after finding out are devastating. Right now you need to concentrate on you. Do lots of things you love doing. Take care of yourself and have some me time.It really helps.(running really helped me) I hope you find happiness again whatever you decide to do.

Are you sure he isn't bipolar as having affairs, getting involved in illegal activities and running up debt are often things that happen while on a manic high. These are usually completely out of character and often the person cannot fully remember all the details. Is he on medication for depression? Do you feel he is stable in all his behaviour now?

I would try to move on if I were you. It's done now, he is behaving better. The feelings will subside. He could do it again but so could any Jew partner. Life is always a gamble.

You can't get past it because he's never admitted it, well he has when he's had no choice, has he explained why or is it all just blamed on depression, sorry but not buying it, he's still responsible for his actions even in a depressed state, depressed about what exactly?

Nothing has been resolved, you are just brushing it under the carpet, there's a difference between supporting someone with an illness and having someone cheat on you - two entirely different things if you ask me. Sorry but I'd still not trust him, he's done nothing to make you think any differently and has no problem lying to your face.

Has he even had a consequence or was he just allowed to go and come back at least two times?

Has the depression gone now, how coincidental.

Cheating and depression aren't two separate things. Please educate you self by looking at the highly respected site mypartenerisdepressed. I truly hope some of you judgemental people don't have to live through what we went through. Thank you to everyone else with your kind encouraging words you have gave me support and things to consider when I really needed it X

I know quite a lot about depression actually and it is never an excuse for shitty behaviour, an affair takes planning and is very much pre mediated, it's not a spur of the moment action but if you want to believe that then that is your prerogative, just like my opinion is mine. You are welcome to ignore the posts like mine and take from this thread what you want, that's your right.

There is nothing judgemental about my post, you see it that way because you don't like it.

Sadly many of us have lived through it. I really do understand the urge to excuse it with the depression but I think you will regret this in time. Depression doesn't cause cheating. Bereavement doesn't cause cheating. Financial problems or redundancy don't cause cheating. Otherwise we would all be doing it.

Many cheaters claim they were not in their right mind/not thinking properly. Yet to conduct an on going affair takes serious planning, multiple lies about whereabouts and other things.it's inconceivable to me that a person who isn't thinking properly manages to pull this off.

Hi OP

I just wanted to say that many parts of your story resonate with me. The 'knowing' that something had happened, but the actual admission coming as a devastating shock. It is the most awful, gut-wrenching feeling and the only thing to do at this stage is just be kind to yourself and get through each day.

I minimised and made excuses for his behaviour and tried to move on and put it all behind us. In my case this didn't work and instead it had a massive impact on my feelings of self-worth and I struggled through years of doubts and anxiety. I am currently going through separation and planning for divorce.

I just want you to think long and hard about this and not do what I did; panic and try to make things better. IMO your husband needs to take responsibility for his actions and to be the one working as hard as possible to regain your trust. if you have any doubts, don't waste time

Best of luck to you