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Original poster

Ive messed up my whole life

54 replies

messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 09:47

I was married with kids, husband was 'great' things started to slide as they do after 15 yrs H didn't pay any attention I picked up all the slack he buried his head in the sand, my head was turned and I left him as I thought that was the right thing to do for all of us.

Gave him chances but he didn't seem bothered so I carried on with OM - that was last year. I explicitly asked him to come on holiday with me last year but he refused due to work so I took that as a sign he didn't want to save his marriage. I also spent NYE with him and friends and again he didn't seem bothered?! H and I got on OK but he constantly hounded me via text about what had happened and I was trying to buy a house so I divorced him (this year) still no real objection just about who pays.

So I try to give it a go with OM since NYE - I buy a house and we were due to move in together but things aren't right with him so last week I ended it.
H had just started seeing some 25 yr old at work and although he said he loved me on the phone last week he has completely cut me off...I'm devastated.

I've begged for him to come on holiday with me and the kids again but he's refused, I know you are all going to say it was my fault because that's exactly what H says but I just don't understand why he's been hounding me for so long, tells me he loves me and slams the door shut in my face, I'm heartbroken I honestly thought we would find a way of being together.

He says he wants to be friends and I've invited I'm round for his tea tomorrow night?!! WTF

I keep messaging him and hounding him like he did me, Im in such a state atm, and I know its all I deserve..

OP posts:
Original poster
messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 11:29

I'm upset that I didn't try harder at my marriage, then none of this would have happened.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 09/08/2016 11:29

Of course you are scared.
You'll be surprised though at how liberating it is to be single.
Make all your own decisions.
Eat what you want, watch what you want.
Discover what 'look' works best for you.

Sorry but I was cheated on by my ExH after 15 years together.
We had great times and he still can't tell me why he did it.
But.... there was no way I was going to forget what he did.
What he put me through.
The hurt and pain he caused me.
I knew I could never forgive him so I wouldn't take him back.
It's that simple really.
Some people can't passed it. Although I tried for a couple of day I knew it would never be the same again.
Maybe your DH feels the same.

Stop bombarding him with texts, messages, offers of tea and holidays.
Get on with your own life and leave him be.
He'll come back if he wants to.
Until then let him know what he's missing.
While you are still having him round etc... he won't know.
Please tell me you aren't still doing his washing?

ravenmum · 09/08/2016 11:31

It's not wrong to be scared, but it would be wrong to try to go back to your ex-husband just because you are scared.

It is scary being an independent, responsible adult, but when you face up to that responsibility and are independent you will feel so proud at what you achieve. If you give up and refuse any responsibility, you're giving up your chance to achieve something you can be proud of.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 11:32

No he has his own house, his mother does his washing!

OP posts:
MardyGrave · 09/08/2016 11:32

But why is that only upsetting you now that he's moved on? It feels like you've been quite happy to hedge your bets up until now without taking into account that real people and their feelings are involved in this game.

Your marriage appears to have been over for a considerable amount of time, only now that he has formed a new relationship are you truly upset by it.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 11:34

I won't bother telling you what a selfish knob you've been, because I think you know the damage you've caused.

I actually think your EXH is being really civil and classy. He's trying to be friends, invited you around for tea so the kids feel comfortable. You're really very lucky, look at it that way. He wasn't hounding you as such, he had a broken heart and was grieving.

I think you should go to tea and be nice, it'll be wonderful for your children.

I had never been single once. After I dumped an abuser I decided to purposely be single. It really shaped who I am, and if I hadn't done it I never would have met my DH. Yes, it was scary at first but then very liverating. I actually didn't want to date, I just happened to fall in love.

You'll enjoy being single, you just have to be brave.

category12 · 09/08/2016 11:38

It takes two to work at a marriage. From what you say, your marriage was in trouble but he buried his head in the sand, you gave him chances but he never took them. He might not have wanted the marriage to fail or deserve you cheating on him, but he didn't work with you when things started to go wrong either. He was complacent and disengaged.

It's no use repining or wishing things were different, it is what it is.

Stop with the meals together etc, you need time and distance. Maybe later when you are in a better place emotionally, you can reconnect on a friendly basis, but currently it's really bad for you.

Start looking to the future. Enjoy your new home and the dc. Focus on filling your time with things that make you happy (not men).

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 11:38

The one criticism I'll give is you're divorced, so been apart for a long time. I think you're upset because you wanted your ex husband to pine for you forever, change the things that annoyed you, realise it was 'his fault' you cheated and you could swan back in, princess style.

It may be subconscious, but that's the vibe I'm getting from your posts, that you really resented him during your marriage so deep down you place blame on him for your affair. It's very, very common for cheaters to do this.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 11:40

Category Kinda proved my 'it's his fault' point...

MardyGrave · 09/08/2016 11:43

Indeed special.
Category the marriage went wrong when the op had an affair, do you feel women should work harder at their marriages when they find out of their husbands infidelity too? He didn't dance quite vigorously enough to the 'pick me dance' to appease the situation sufficiently?

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/08/2016 11:44

I think the crux of this is that you're scared to be single. That's fine.

What's not fine is hounding your DH now you're divorced and he's moved on. Maybe all of the time before he wasn't that interested in saving your marriage as you were with another man.

You carried on with OM, but thought that it was your ExH wasn't making the effort? Can you really not see how that was your issue not his?

Yes you've made irrevocable changes to your life. Move on and deal with it as you can't go back.

Sparklesilverglitter · 09/08/2016 11:45

Your actions lead to your life being the way it is. There is never an excuse to cheat on anybody, it's a pretty low thing to do IMO

Let you ex H be with somebody that really cares for him and can make him happy.

You've never been single, your issue is your scared of being alone. I wonder if you even know yourself who you are if you've never been alone. I think you need to discover who you are before you even think of meeting somebody else

category12 · 09/08/2016 11:45

Grin It's no point rewriting history with him as a saint and their's a perfect marriage if only she had worked at it. We'll never know.

Going forward, it's no point the op hanging out and pining for a man she rejected.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 11:45

Thanks for your messages, they've all helped even if reality is harsh (with tears rolling down my face)

OP posts:
Eatthecake · 09/08/2016 11:47

It was your choice to cheat with with the OM, no body made you. To me jumping in to bed with somebody else is pretty low when you've got a partner and children at home.

You are in this place in your life, because you made it happen.

You are just frightened of being alone, which I guess I can understand but you need to take time and find out who you are and move forward with your life not try going back to the ex H you cheated on

BestZebbie · 09/08/2016 11:49

Your attitude seems to be confused - at the start of your second paragraph you say that you "gave him chances" to win you back after you cheated, yet at that point it was up to you to apologise sincerely and make it up to your ex if you genuinely wanted to continue that relationship (and he would still be perfectly reasonable to throw you out anyway). The rest follows on as consequences of that misapprehension.

Yes, you have messed up your whole life, and also that of your DH, kids and probably your OM. It wasn't exactly a one-off mistake that you couldn't have seen coming, either, was it? Now you need to start again from where you are.

category12 · 09/08/2016 11:53

Mardygrave - Nope, if someone is cheated on, I would absolutely advise that person to cut ties and leave. I have been the cheated-on one.

But what's done is done, and the op is unhappy and in need of support, and I am not one to kick someone when she is down. She shouldn't look back with rose tinted glasses and berate herself forever, she needs to let go and learn to enjoy being independent and make better choices in future.

category12 · 09/08/2016 12:02

And 'exit affairs' are a Thing. Sometimes people end up doing that to get out of an unhappy relationship. It's not the high moral stand we aspire to, but shit happens.

It's not always the case, of course , and some people cheat in perfectly happy relationships just because they can. But I don't think that's the case here from what the op said. I don't think it serves much purpose to tell her off either way.

sparechange · 09/08/2016 12:04

Ah, the monkey - won't let go of one branch until you've got hold of another...

Learn to be single, try not to think too long and hard about the good times, because it will just make you feel worse that you threw them all away for a fling

Original poster
messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 12:08

I was unhappy in the marriage at the end I will admit, I tried to change things/me, tried to talk to him, he didn't even notice me. What I did was very wrong, I just always thought we would find a way deludedly I know.

OP posts:
vxvx · 09/08/2016 12:21

.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 12:25

OP what's important now is going forward. For the first time in your life, you can put yourself first (when you don't have the DC, I mean) I was fucking terrified of being single, I preferred the man who beat me to being alone. When I finally got out, I was as lost as you sound.

So I thought of it as 'dating myself.' What movies did I like? What was my view on a political agenda? I could cook eggs the way I like them. You get the idea!

It's very liberating. I'm so much stronger for it. I know who I am now. Before, I was just an extension, a limb with no personality. I had no opinions because I just agreed with him. If I hadn't stayed single for awhile, I never would have met DH and had my family. And you know what? That girl who'd rather be struck than be alone; didn't want to date DH! That's how happy I was single. (Obviously I'm very happy now too, was just making a point)

vxvx · 09/08/2016 12:33

OP I have sort of been in your shoes.

I ended a long marriage. It was in a bad place - he would not work on it.

I did not cheat - but he was devastated and I felt v bad about that.

He then got with someone else. I lost the plot and asked him back.

He came back in an instant. I was mostly slated on here for my actions.

But some people understood. One comment that helped me was "sometimes you have to go right to the edge and look to decide you dont want to jump'

I also had to consider if my feelings were "just" jealousy and if that was so in a short time we would be back to square one and the impact on my children of the family breaking down twice would be hideous.

But we have done really well, learnt a lot and are in a much better place with a v bright happy future. But it took two of us to want this (and to make changes) at the same time.

Original poster
messeduptotally · 09/08/2016 12:34

Thanks Pie

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 09/08/2016 12:59

Feel free to PM me any time if you need a non judgemental chat.

This is a new chapter in your life. It's scary. Think of it like a rollercoaster and embrace it Smile