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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Men who lie about their relationship with ex wife...has this ever happened to you?

80 replies

Halfwayoranges · 08/08/2016 20:21

My exdp told me he hadn't had sex with his wife for 4 years before they spilt.

3 years later I find it's not true... He gave me his old phone when mine broke and there were MANY sexual messages between him and exwife up until the week before they split.

I ended it based on that because I couldn't accept why he'd lie about it and he didn't give me a reason.

Anyone else experienced similar? Do men really lie about this stuff?!

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 09/08/2016 10:41

The ones that honestly play down the abuse aren't usually doing the other stuff though. When my DH talks (rarely) about some of the stuff that happened with his exW he honestly seems to believe that they were normal everyday things (they weren't) because he lived with it for so long.

islandtiare · 09/08/2016 10:49

That old chestnut "we never had sex"

Do women still fall for it

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 11:25

Yep they do and the classic has already been mentioned...' I stayed for the kids'...the same kids who never see their DF and the same kids who have had to leave their home because of DV and EA...
One OW contacted me and said....he told me you were the worst person in the world...... but you are so nice....Don't understand...

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 11:30

I agree about the abuse Chasing....which I think is the most dangerous thing these xh's do, is play down or even totally never disclose to the ow's ....so the circle of abuse continues for new children that they might have !!
I think this Claires law should be widely advertised to make new partners aware that they have a choice, very important fact the abuse never stops just gets transferred.... ultimately when it is to late for most new ow

cantshakeitoff · 09/08/2016 11:35

I met a man who was separated from DW but still living together. Never had sex etc etc.

I started seeing him and after we'd had sex the first time he sent me a message saying he was feeling bad as he had lied to me.

Turned out him and DW was still very much together, still having to sex and she was 9 months pregnant! Baby came along two weeks later. This was over a year ago now and as far as I know they're still a happy family.

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 11:39

That happened to me years ago, ow turned up at the house days before I gave birth with her suitcases , she thought I was his sister !!! he hasnt got a sister, shocking, my xh cheated on every pregnancy ... I was such a mug .
That must have been a shock for you cantshakeitoff, dreadful situation for you and the dw

HooseRice · 09/08/2016 11:40

My ex from 20 years ago told me he'd split from his wife. Turns out they were on a trial separation where he still shagged her when home at weekends.

He didn't split with her properly until after she announced her pregnancy. What a guy.

He's on his third (that I know of) wife now. She's a friend of a friend and apparently unaware of at least one of his previous marriages.

cantshakeitoff · 09/08/2016 11:45

FreeFromHarm - how awful for you!

I feel really bad for what I did (even though I didn't know) but I don't think the DW in my case knows about it so hopefully still happy. (If ignorance is bliss that is, not so sure.)

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 11:45

Mine is on his 7-8th ow since we escaped...she is living in our home....she has such a shock coming to her and not of the nice kind :O( , I sometimes wonder if she ever asks any questions... 5 bedroom house , he never sees his dc ... time will tell I suspect.

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 11:47

Cantshakitoff, you had no idea, but at least you got out sharpish...many ow believe it all and when the poops hits the fan..the xdw suffers the consequenses x

eye2eye · 09/08/2016 11:47

how can you know if a new BF is lying though? Do you just have to give them the benefit of the doubt until you find out otherwise?

I'm seeing someone who is going through the process of divorce. He says he and ex lead seperate lives for the last 2 years of their marriage and that they tried relate for 6 months. I believe him because what else can I do? Should I be wary? Reading this thread, I should be!

cantshakeitoff · 09/08/2016 11:49

I only found out because he told me. I wonder if I would have believed him if he had kept on with the lies....hopefully not.

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 11:50

Eye, look for signs, you will probably find sorry to say the separate lives thing is BS, snip in some little questions eventually you will see if he is lying ...he will delay his answers or become edgy..if he does get out !!
Back later the tips will continues x

cantshakeitoff · 09/08/2016 11:51

eye2eye, of course you should believe him. Relationships need to be built on trust.

If you start hearing things that makes you worry, stay alert.

But you can always look the exDW up on Facebook? See what feeling you get from meeting his family etc.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/08/2016 11:55

Yes, he said his ex had lied on their divorce papers about domestic violence, threatening her with a shot gun and infidelity as they needed a reason for a swift divorce. She was a psycho etc etc etc.

I know, I know. How could I have fallen for it, but he was lovely and charming...

From what I heard from the woman he was with after me, I was a psycho liar too.

Funny that. I thought I'd dumped him for cheating on me and then had had to deal with him trying to break into my house and intimidation. At least by the time he'd got to me, the shit head had had his shot gun confiscated by the police.

BestZebbie · 09/08/2016 11:59

eye2eye: it really depends if "leading separate lives" means "I went off her so I couldn't be arsed to do stuff with her anymore and checked out of our home life in favour of pleasing myself" or if it was closer to the way he has described it?

TimeforaNNChange · 09/08/2016 12:00

sorry to say the separate lives thing is BS,

Yet, there are regular posts on MN from women who are sharing a home with their ex in the short term at least for financial reasons - it does happen, so it can't always been an accurate red flag.

Missgraeme · 09/08/2016 12:04

They want u to think the sex side was crap so when they start shagging them to keep them sweet regarding access and finances u won't be suspicious.

eye2eye · 09/08/2016 12:10

Thanks for the replies. Please keep the tips coming on how to spot any lies.

I agree a relationship should be built on trust, and I do trust him. But reading stuff on MN makes me wonder...I mean all you PP trusted your DPs at the beginning...

I don't want to be lied to.

He says they had seperate bedrooms for the last 2 years. That they did keep trying for reconciliation (relate etc) but that in the end they just didn't love each other and argued about every little thing.

I lead a separate life from my ex for about 3 years before we split. Separate bedrooms and all. So I know from personal experience that it does happen. And I am confident that my ex didn't sleep with anyone else during that time too. I realise everyone is different though.

New BF's ex doesnt have FB account. New BF wants me to meet his parents so I guess that will give me some feeling about it.

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 17:09

You are right everyone is different, was just pointing out the unscrupulous x's out there, looks like you have found a goodun meeting the parents to, how exciting

CallMeMaybe · 09/08/2016 17:42

The red flag in terms of separation is "we're separated but still living in the same house." Being separated waiting for the divorce is a whole different matter if the couple aren't actually living together.

I do know men who have had the same lies told to them by women as well though. Including one who was told that they were only together for the kids and expected him to start telling his friends about her. Turned out that not only was she married, but shagging someone else as well.

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 18:49

Don't you find though that men (and women) who have separated ( mainly being adulterers and adulteresses) are so desperate especially if their affairs have ended and ended their marriages to prove to newly found partners the affair was not their fault by lying even more and I think this is the worse time when lies get told, should be a warning to potential partners during this time...moving on to quickly ...moving in to quickly , love bombing...because who wants to admit to an affair with a perfectly normal xh or xw... I don't know of anyone who has admitted to dv and ea either ...these people are the most unscrupulous of liars, sadly so

Amythest001 · 09/08/2016 19:33

My ex has lied through his teeth about me to his new wife.
I left him because of dv and he got the house and everything in it.
He was still allowed contact with dd but has chosen to put girlfriends before her constantly and sees her once or twice a year if that.
He has told everyone I haven't allowed him to see her and that we split because I had an affair and he would do anything for us etc etc!
Makes me wonder what his wife is like because if I met a man who 'wasn't allowed' to see his kids purely because the ex is a bitch I'd be telling him to fight for them, or be wondering is he really not allowed and if not why not??

SandyY2K · 09/08/2016 19:45

I met a man who was separated from DW but still living together. Never had sex etc etc.

I started seeing him and after we'd had sex the first time he sent me a message saying he was feeling bad as he had lied to me.

Why would you believe this though?

FreeFromHarm · 09/08/2016 20:00

Amy my xh has moved his ow into the house ( up for sale as judge ordered) he has done exactly the same as your x , and your right ... the ow must think to herself surely ... she has no idea he is not even paying the mortgage running it into the ground while we are basically homeless ( dv EA ) ..I am hoping when he gets served she will be onsite and listens to the truth , because I dread to think what her life will be like..I am meant not to care, but I would never wish what we have been through on another ow, pyscho xw or not ;O)

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