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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ever been afraid of a partner with no good reason?

49 replies

YabuDabbaDoo · 07/08/2016 21:02

Me & boyfriend are having a few days apart from each other after a really unpleasant couple of weeks of him freezing me out and not wanting to leave the house (yes he has a mental illness but I perhaps hadn't appreciated quite how severe.)

Over the last month I have started to feel afraid of him and I can't quite pinpoint why. He has never been known to be physically aggressive, however he has had these rages over quite minor issues where a cloud will descend and he grinds his teeth and refuses to interact with me.

For instance, we went to a concert last week and something had not gone quite right for him earlier that day. He was fuming internally so much that he wouldn't even acknowledge my presence - it was as though he wanted everyone around him to feel as horrible as possible, because he did. I actually started crying standing next to him there in public and he knew I was but he just ignored me and pretended to be doing something on his phone. Eventually after about an hour of pleading he came round enough for me to buy him a coffee and have a bit of a chat but I was exhausted. There have been much worse things since then but I don't want to give away too much personal stuff.

Anyway, I just picked up my iPad and there was an old message on there saying that he had just caught the train and would be back in an hour. I went absolutely cold all over and started to panic. After a few seconds I realised it was an old one from a few weeks ago.

I don't feel he will be violent, it's more a worry that he will hurt himself if I don't work hard at keeping things going his way so that he doesn't go into a black mood.

It's over, I can see that. But has anyone else had this experience?

OP posts:
JinkxMonsoon · 07/08/2016 21:06

That's not a normal, healthy way to feel.

You're scared of him not because you fear he'll be violent, necessarily, but because he treats you like shit. When he's in a rage, he treats you with such contempt you cry and he ignores you until he chooses to act normally with you again. You walk on eggshells around him because you're afraid one wrong move will cause the red mist to descend again.

This is so unhealthy.

Original poster
YabuDabbaDoo · 07/08/2016 21:55

Isn't it? We've not been together long and I know he wants to start afresh. But I think I need to trust my gut on this one.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 07/08/2016 22:03

You 100% do need to trust your gut. Your title is a little misleading because you then cite several separate incidents which would make anyone feel uneasy and scared.

Walk away.

Isetan · 07/08/2016 22:04

Listen to your gut.

sealmane · 07/08/2016 22:07

I have had the chills over someone, yes, and I did feel frightened of him in some way but I did go out with him a few more times Confused. I doubt he would have been violent physically, but there was definitely something wrong with him and he could not help himself messing with my head. That is dangerous too!

Seriously, get rid. That feeling is all you need. The fact that worse stuff than making you cry and freezing you out has happened but you don't want to go into it as its too personal means you should end it immediately.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2016 22:14

He was fuming internally so much that he wouldn't even acknowledge my presence - it was as though he wanted everyone around him to feel as horrible as possible, because he did. I actually started crying standing next to him there in public and he knew I was but he just ignored me and pretended to be doing something on his phone. Eventually after about an hour of pleading he came round enough for me to buy him a coffee

This is wrong in so many ways. Can't you see that? The cherry on the cake is that you had to buy him a coffee when he was the one causing the problem!

You need to get away from this man. He's really bad for you and bad for anyone he encounters, too.

Original poster
YabuDabbaDoo · 07/08/2016 22:15

Thank you. You are all right and I already knew it and am dealing with it. I just needed to hear it outside my own head.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 07/08/2016 22:16

Walk away

SandyY2K · 07/08/2016 22:23

I was about to say no, but I did have an Ex who frightened me on one occasion with his temper.

That was over 25 years ago though.

I'd walk away from anything like that.

aintnosunshinewhenbriesgone · 07/08/2016 23:08

Sounds like you accept its not working for you. Go with your gut. Good that you've realised early on

ZBWRDSM · 07/08/2016 23:15

I think you are frightened/scared of "the rage". As a PP said, it's the "walking on eggshells" syndrome - if I don't keep him super-happy at my own expense, he'll kick off and I can't face that.

It doesn't have to be about physical violence to provoke real fear. Most workplace bullies have this effect but aren' t violence. It's the virulent psycholigical and emotional attacks that do the trick.

stoppingcontact · 07/08/2016 23:16

Listen to your instincts and leg it.

You will not regret getting away from this situation, no matter how hard it might seem right now.

tipsytrifle · 07/08/2016 23:18

Trust your instincts; that isn't fear, as such, it's inner wisdom showing itself as fear because your mind knows you'll darn well listen to fear and take evasive action. This man has a huge red flag wrapped all round him. Let go and move on, really. You're already showing signs of appeasing him and taking responsibility for how he feels. He is actually a monster and the sooner you're away from him the better. In my opinion. I can feel his vibe from here and it's particularly unpleasant.

stoppingcontact · 07/08/2016 23:25

Further to what I just wrote, yes I do have some experience of this kind of situation. For many years, I convinced myself that he wouldn't be violent. He was; as I should have known. He hit me in front of the children. As I type this, my eldest has just whacked my youngest ( they are up late because of fireworks). These things have huge effects on a family and on the children.

Please leave while you still have the mental energy. Do it safely. I am not ordinarily one for saying ltb, but I can see where your situation is heading.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 07/08/2016 23:36

It's not for no good reason though, is it OP?

Leave him and don't look bad. He's very bad news.

augustusglupe · 08/08/2016 00:21

This is textbook emotional/psychological abuse OP.
He sounds like a true narcissist/sociopath.
Please get out now!! Don't think he will ever change, because he won't!! Flowers

pnutter · 08/08/2016 00:28

Nope nope nope. PLEASE walk away x

OurBlanche · 08/08/2016 09:30

We've not been together long and I know he wants to start afresh. Then let him do just that. Walk away and let him work out how not to fuck up his next relationship.

Before you get too heavily invested / sucked in, stop and think... do you want to spend the rest of your life worrrying about when the man you love is going to come home / ignore you / explode ?

You know the answer to that one... so stand up straight, take a deep breath and tell him that it is over. Then block him from everything, tell everyone you know that you are no longer a couple, tell good freinds why... make it public, don't hide it - you don't have to go into detail, just make it known.

Original poster
YabuDabbaDoo · 08/08/2016 15:05

Thank you so much everyone. Yes the wheels are already in motion and all will be well. I knew it but I feel stronger with Mumsnet in my corner.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 08/08/2016 15:06

Good luck Smile

SarcasmMode · 08/08/2016 15:20

No.

In my experience your intuition makes you nervous for a reason.

Maybe he will be verbally aggressive?
Maybe he will hurt himself?
Make you think breaking up with him will turn him into a dangerous mindset?

Either way, it's not healthy for you to be in that kind of mindset feeling anxious all the time.

I was scared of my ex big time although he never hit me (but I felt he was going to a handful of times). I felt such dread and foreboding when with him it was horrible.

I hope he can sort out his depression but, it's not your responsibility. I don't know why he's being nasty to you either due to his anxiety/depression.

I've had depression since aged 11 so 15 years and I'm very careful not to let it affect others. Obviously it does in that people worry about you but you shouldn't feel stonewalled or made to feel bad.

Original poster
YabuDabbaDoo · 08/08/2016 16:22

Yes quite. I have a long term mental health condition too and whilst I know I "have my moments" I am always quick to apologise and take every care not to blame or upset others. I think he is aiming to be that way too but he has a way to go.

OP posts:
notarehearsal · 08/08/2016 16:26

You say he has a mental illness. Could I guess it is borderline personality disorder?
Please keep your self safe, in my personal experience it won't take long for his 'rages' to result in you being hurt, he's just one small step away

coco1810 · 08/08/2016 17:21

I have once. I was fifteen, I met a guy at a party. Unbeknownst to me, he had followed me and my friends home and then followed me to and from school. He turned up on my doorstep and announced to my mom he was my boyfriend. I have never felt so isolated in my life. It was only 12 hours before my lovely mom realised what was happening. My dad and uncle had a "word".

JingleJangleJudy · 08/08/2016 17:28

Being with him will be miserable and change you more than you can imagine. You deserve so much better than this!

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