Ever been afraid of a partner with no good reason?

[YabuDabbaDoo]

Me & boyfriend are having a few days apart from each other after a really unpleasant couple of weeks of him freezing me out and not wanting to leave the house (yes he has a mental illness but I perhaps hadn't appreciated quite how severe.)

Over the last month I have started to feel afraid of him and I can't quite pinpoint why. He has never been known to be physically aggressive, however he has had these rages over quite minor issues where a cloud will descend and he grinds his teeth and refuses to interact with me.

For instance, we went to a concert last week and something had not gone quite right for him earlier that day. He was fuming internally so much that he wouldn't even acknowledge my presence - it was as though he wanted everyone around him to feel as horrible as possible, because he did. I actually started crying standing next to him there in public and he knew I was but he just ignored me and pretended to be doing something on his phone. Eventually after about an hour of pleading he came round enough for me to buy him a coffee and have a bit of a chat but I was exhausted. There have been much worse things since then but I don't want to give away too much personal stuff.

Anyway, I just picked up my iPad and there was an old message on there saying that he had just caught the train and would be back in an hour. I went absolutely cold all over and started to panic. After a few seconds I realised it was an old one from a few weeks ago.

I don't feel he will be violent, it's more a worry that he will hurt himself if I don't work hard at keeping things going his way so that he doesn't go into a black mood.

It's over, I can see that. But has anyone else had this experience?

Thank you all. You'll think I am being naive but I truly believe him to be a good person who does not intend harm to others (more likely to himself), but regardless of that he is not in a position to offer up a healthy relationship at the moment and needs to keep on with the work he had already started towards recovery.

This thread has been really helpful. Thanks all X

Just to say that this has all been sorted out and the bloke in question has been really great about acknowledging he is in too difficult a place to be making any promises to me.

I think we all go through dark times in our lives - it's how we handle them that shows our true character.

So, onwards I go as a singleton, and wish him well.

Run.
Run away. He's bad news.

Good news, Yabu

I hope you both get what you need / want. Sounds like a good resolution.

Thank you OurBlanche

And huge thanks to all who have shared their experiences here, on the thread and via PM. It's so important to not enable someone who is ill; to respect them enough to challenge it and keep boundaries about where responsibilities start and end.

To anyone reading this who is afraid of your partner, of their moods or what they might do to themselves: that is not right. That is not a relationship. That is being a carer/supporter at best, an enabler or doormat at worst. Look after yourself and step away.

I'm impressed Yanbu. Your courage, compassion and strength will be good companions in life. Good luck and please return here if you need us

(sorry about your name mistype lol)

Thank you Tipsy that's very kind X

tipsy I was intrigued by your earlier comment about "feeling his vibe from here" - PM me if you like - I have been amazed at how far the essence seems to reach.

I feel I ought to come back to this. I don't want to give too many details but sadly he recently committed suicide. I just wanted to record it somewhere. I don't think I could have done any morethan I did and his family agree and have been so supportive of me and the kids. Very sad and frightening all round.

Sorry for your loss
I hope you don't feel guilty as none of this was at all your fault.

Thank you. Oh I'm having my share of what-ifs and if-onlys, plus mourning the relationship that it looked set to be at the beginning. I feel incredibly sad for him and his family.

...but, no, I don't feel guilty. His family and friends are helping me with that.

Im sorry Yabu. That is really awful. x

My ex was a bit like this. He was never violent but oh my God he could sulk. I crashed my car once and he wanted to be the one to fix it. My dad tried to get involved as he knows what he's doing. Me and ex went out for the day the day after and he wouldn't speak to me or even look at me because i let my dad help fix the car. Ex was happy to talk to the couple we were with but not me. For some reason and i have no idea why i stuck it out with this arseclown for anther couple of years. I am now married to a fantastic man who wouldn't have a clue how to sulk. You know what you need to do op. Don't feel bad, don't look back.

Oh dear I'm sorry op just saw your update.

That's okay neonrainbow. I have very mixed feelings about it all still.

Very very sorry to hear this Yabu - you definitely did the right thing in leaving when you did, but it must be a sad time for you and his family.

It is incredibly sad Naice. Just such a waste.

There were some huge mistakes by his health care professionals - simple things like frequency of prescription. The system is so broken. It does rather feel as though the weakest are being left to fend for themselves.

Horrendous way to feel. He has a big problem. I can definitely relate to what you're saying from a previous experience. Just get out. Now. And don't be tempted back. You'll be surprised how quickly you're over it.

Oh God I'm so sorry I missed the last posts above mine. So sorry again.

Don't worry jellycat you've quite neatly summed up how I feel actually - I feel very sorry that it happened is about the best I can do.

Yabu how incredibly upsetting. Yes of course it shows your instincts that his life was careering out of control were correct and you were right to step aside and put yourself first, but what a shame as you say that in terms of mental health treatment, he just didn't benefit and is now gone. I'm sorry.

Thanks Bounty it just sort of crept up, and it's very hard for me to pinpoint where or when exactly the red flags started unfurling, although the experience I describe in the OP was where I couldn't ignore them in full flight any longer.