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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had an affair...

42 replies

Daenerys2 · 07/08/2016 17:51

...it's over. My husband knows and so does his partner. OM is trying to make a go of things with her I think but I'm not sure what to do. My H wants to I think but I am questioning whether this is right. I wouldn't have done it if things had been right with us and I think I fell out of love with him before this started. We are currently on holiday with our DCs which is extremely difficult and tense. I feel despicable for doing this to my family but I don't want to just get back because it's the 'right' thing to do. However, I don't want H hurt anymore than necessary. Has anyone been in this situation? Did your feelings come back for H? I really want mine to but I don't want to fake these feelings. I want him (and myself) to be genuinely happy. I know I'll get flamed but am asking for advice.

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 07/08/2016 17:54

I'm 8 months on from this. Still struggling relationship wise. It's not exactly straight forward as I have some pretty complex mental health issues as well. I do still love him but sometimes I think we're more like good friends. Maybe that's why another man was so exciting.

Nobody can make the decision for you. You'll probably be miserable for a while either way. You could end up really happy either way. DH and I don't actually fight very much so it's not a terribly bad environment for the kids, maybe bear that in mind when considering whether to try out staying or not.

ChunkyMonkey4321 · 07/08/2016 17:56

I'm also entirely financially dependent on him and don't live near my family. If you have means of living separately I would recommend it either way

SandyY2K · 07/08/2016 17:57

I can recommend a helpful forum specifically dedicated to infidelity.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

You could do with reading the wayward forum, as there are a fair few in your shoes.

It would also help if you read the 'JFO' Just found out forum on there - which will give you an idea of the pain your husband is going through right now.

Original poster
Daenerys2 · 07/08/2016 17:57

Do you still love the OM? Did you end it? o feel like me and H are more like friends/brother and sister. He is going to move out when we get home and I'm really hoping this will help things become clearer. Thank you for replying x

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Original poster
Daenerys2 · 07/08/2016 17:57

Thank you sandy. I just don't know how to help him. Saying sorry is futile and just doesn't cut it...

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Original poster
Daenerys2 · 07/08/2016 18:00

Thanks chunky. I earn a very good wage so financially I don't rely on him, it's the other way round.

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ChunkyMonkey4321 · 07/08/2016 18:12

My impulsive side would get back with OM in a heartbeat, my rational side knows it's a bad idea because of the way he treated me once DH found out. I need to work on myself and I'm starting therapy soon. I'll be a much better wife and parent if I'm healthier/happier. At least I will make rational decisions. So living apart will be good for you, to spend time on yourself, figure out why you had he affair and if you can fix that. I was unhappy, bored and lonely (among other things) so I'm working on feeling differently

Original poster
Daenerys2 · 07/08/2016 18:17

I can really relate to that. Do you have any contact with OM? I have and it varies each time - I feel he holds all the power over me. Last week he still loved me, this week he is 'doing the right thing' and agreeing to all her demands (yet still texting me sneakily). He has been so bad for me and rationally I know this. It's just so tough x

OP posts:
ChunkyMonkey4321 · 07/08/2016 18:23

He knows he's got me wrapped round his little finger. He's really bad at replying to texts that I send him when I'm drunk so I said to him 'if you want to stop talking just tell me to eff off instead of just ignoring me' and he's like, I'd never tell you to eff off, I just need some time. I'll be in touch soon' but then doesn't get in touch, just stringing me along. It helps though, because I see how much of a wanker he is - he was happy to sleep with a married woman after all. Doesn't make it easier but at least I know leaving my husband for him isn't an option so it really comes down to your relationship with you and your husband, regardless of the OM.

AnyFucker · 07/08/2016 18:26

Don't agree to try another go with your H while you are still "sneakily" in contact with OM.

Haven't you hurt him enough ?

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 07/08/2016 18:28

What AF said - she was nicer than I would be.

WorraLiberty · 07/08/2016 18:32

I just don't know how to help him. Saying sorry is futile and just doesn't cut it...

Well perhaps you could help by offering to move out?

Why should he move out, especially when you earn a very good wage?

AnyFucker · 07/08/2016 18:34

Does your h know your affair has not ended at all ?

HappyJanuary · 07/08/2016 18:44

The correct response to a man who is 'making a go of things with his wife' whilst also 'texting you sneakily' is utter revulsion; he is a piece of shit. I don't know whether you should stay with your DH or not, but you shouldn't be mooning about missing your repulsive om.

I will never understand why women see men treating their wives badly and don't realise that they will one day be treated exactly the same.

Lily405 · 07/08/2016 18:50

I had an affair during my last relationship after finding out about my parter's infidelity. My circumstances are slightly different as it was more of an emotional affair that drifted into a physical once. I told my partner the next morning, and we agreed to work it out. But the difficult thing about working on your relationship in the aftermath of an affair is that it often becomes one sided. I still loved my partner without reservation---certain parts of our relationship just needed to be mended. Once you have an affair, you no longer have the right (or feel like you do) to ask for changes that might save the relationship. In the end, the problems remained, and I had another encounter with the same man. I told my partner, and he ended our relationship. I was (and to a certain degree will always be) in love with him.

If you decide to work it out, you have to cut all contact with the OM permanently. I had to stay in touch for work, and it was incredibly destructive. If you are still currently with your husband, cut the contact now. No good will come of it. I would recommend counseling together and maybe counseling just for you as well. I wish I had done it while trying to salvage the relationship instead of waiting until it was over and I was devastated. For what it's worth, I ended up with the OM. I do love him but lack that same spark and feeling I had with my ex. I had major the grass is greener syndrome. It's one of my greatest regrets that I hurt him so deeply and didn't do more to save the relationship. If you're not willing to put the work in (and it's hard work), don't hurt your husband more.

Lily405 · 07/08/2016 18:51

*physical encounter once

Pearlman · 07/08/2016 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theredjellybean · 07/08/2016 19:03

i had an affair, and we ended it because we felt it was the 'right thing to try and work on our marriages'....6 months later we got back in touch and both had started working on leaving our marriages, we are now 5 years down the track and it was absolutely the right decision to be together. I am remorseful my exdh got hurt but it did take two to let our marriage fail, having an affair was wrong , but i can honestly say i do not regret meeting my now DP once DAP ( affair partner) as he is absolutely the great love of my life, and 5 yrs later i still literally go wobbly at knees just thinking about him.
It is very difficult, i did love my exdh but as a good friend, and he was the one who decided unilaterally to make our marriage celibrate about 3 yrs before i met my now DP. he would not disucss it or go to councelling and frankly by the time i met DP and started the affair i had no feelings like that about exdh. People say 'oh you must work on your marriage and get the spark back' but sometimes it isnt about getting it back, the fact is you don't want it back !
our children ( there are 4 between us) were older, old teens young adults, it was not easy at all but we now are in great blended family , and my exdh is in a new relationship ...with a man .
My DP had been found out during our affair, and i had not.
I cannot tell you what to do, but if you can genuinely say you love your DH and have sexual feelings too for him then you should try to make it work and give yourself a timeframe for this. But it takes a long hard honest look at things and you have to admit if that boat has now sailed...it doesnt matter how much counselling etc you have you will never really want to be in that marriage.

BUT no more txts etc with OM, even if your marriage doesnt work out you should not look to him to be there, cus it doesnt sound like he will be.

Go and look at loveshack.org , the other woman boards...endless stories of men following a script ...keeping the woman hanging around, etc. it is sobering reading

BastardGoDarkly · 07/08/2016 19:10

Your poor partners Sad

Do them a favour and leave them, be together/don't be together, but what you're doing now is cruel.

Original poster
Daenerys2 · 07/08/2016 19:14

I'm not hedging my bets at all. I don't want either. It ended with OM when he told me she was pg.

Anyfucker - a few months ago you told me a husband was a rapist when I wrote how he'd violated me when I was asleep. Things aren't black and white.

H has told me to stay in the house as I have a few weeks off and work shorter hours then him. I have offered to leave but I will be taking the kids.

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AnyFucker · 07/08/2016 19:18

Don't drip feed

If your husband is a rapist then leave him

You are muddying the waters with your affair/not affair/ affair

I doubt very much that when you disclosed your husband was a rapist that the advice was to stay with him whilst simultaneously colluding in fucking up someone else's marriage

OnionKnight · 07/08/2016 19:19

Why will you be taking the kids?

theredjellybean · 07/08/2016 19:19

Daenerys2 - things are always black and white for some people !

But human relationships and why people do things are messy and complicated and sometimes very hard.

I hate the way everyone who has an affair is painted as nasty/evil etc...and mostly the women are called sluts on mumsnet.

Live a week in someone else's life before you judge ...

It sounds like you might have made your mind up, just be sure you are leaving because the marriage is over not because OM is hanging about.

Original poster
Daenerys2 · 07/08/2016 19:20

Why would I leave my kids?

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Original poster
Daenerys2 · 07/08/2016 19:21

How am I drip feeding?

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