I had an affair...

[Daenerys2]

...it's over. My husband knows and so does his partner. OM is trying to make a go of things with her I think but I'm not sure what to do. My H wants to I think but I am questioning whether this is right. I wouldn't have done it if things had been right with us and I think I fell out of love with him before this started. We are currently on holiday with our DCs which is extremely difficult and tense. I feel despicable for doing this to my family but I don't want to just get back because it's the 'right' thing to do. However, I don't want H hurt anymore than necessary. Has anyone been in this situation? Did your feelings come back for H? I really want mine to but I don't want to fake these feelings. I want him (and myself) to be genuinely happy. I know I'll get flamed but am asking for advice.

You should take your kids. Ignore that comment.

Affairs are devastating but you should have left your husband. Not cheated on him. Very odd that he wants to stay with you given he raped you and you cheated on him but maybe it is for the money.

Get help.

Sorry, I made my previous post before I saw that your husband was a rapist.

It's a pretty big drip feed to ask "should I should I not give my marriage a chance" and then drop in that your husband is a rapist

daenerys2....well the wisdom of mumsnet is that women who have affairs are sluts and nasty and bad and ergo must be bad mothers...obviously .
ignore it
it is also time to actually put affair to one side ( not literally , i mean in your head) ...do you want in or out of your marriage ?
make that decision based on your marriage and how you feel ....it really has got to be separated from your affair

I never said he was a rapist.

OK. I'm out.

I don't think the comment about taking the kids suggested that the OP was a bad mother. I was wondering the same and it's more to do with the notion of one partner being the 'default parent'. I've seen dozens of threads where women are told that they shouldn't accept the responsibility of being the 'default parent', that men shoud be every bit as involved as women in child rearing. So why is it that a woman should automatically be granted custody of the children in a split? Obviously it depends mostly on who is the children's primary carer on a day to day basis as it's their needs that matter most.

I just know that my husband would be devasted if I had an affair. If I had an affair and then left with his children he would be utterly bereft.

I am the default carer. I am home more than him.

Your relationship sounds totally shite, frankly. He violates you while you are asleep, and you sleep with other married men.

Just separate. You're dragging out the inevitable.

Ok, so I think you need to take a step back. I'm not going to lecture you. You admit yourself that that you were unhappy in your marriage. I think it is very sensible that you are separating for now as it gives you both a chance to think. Who moves out is down to you both. If you think you could salvage the relationship (and if he wants to) then I would suggest marriage counselling to give it your best shot. Relate are brilliant. You should cover the cost of this.
I think total honesty is needed. If you are texting the om still then clearly that needs to be resolved before you have any hope for your marriage.
Decide what is happening with om.
Then go from there. But never assume your husband will be waiting ready to take you back. I wouldn't if I were him.

no idea why you would stay with a husband who violates/rapes/has no boundaries, whatever you want to call it. Why don't you just be single for a while and get some form of therapy to work out why your idea of adult relationships is so skewed.

The word rapist is thrown around quite a lot on MN from my observation.

OP - it's not about saying sorry, because you don't really sound sorry TBH. If the marriage is dead, then declare it over.

No matter what the problems, having an affair doesn't help the situation.

Did your OM tell you he wasn't having sex with his wife? And now she's pregnant.

Just don't string your husband along when your love and respect for him has gone. The WS can end the marriage too.

Smiling - I want to be single for a while. My adult relationships are so skewed because of my parents. I've been to a counsellor and I 'numb' this with things that are bad for me - men, drink etc.

OM did indeed tell me he wasn't having sex with her - they slept in different beds apparently. I totally fell for it. He's since told me he doesn't want the baby but I very much doubt he's told her that. He's a real shit and so am I.

What does WS mean?

WS = WAYWARD SPOUSE the one having an affair

BS = BETRAYED SPOUSE

That old line about we're living like roommates eh. Then comes the immaculate conception.

'OM did indeed tell me he wasn't having sex with her - they slept in different beds apparently' - You've been played by the looks of it. Has he fed you any of the other stereotypical bullshit about his wife? She's depressed, crazy etc...?