INLAWS won't have dds to SLEEP OVER...

[noonar]

my inlaws are fit, local, retired, have a big house and love our dds. they will not however, have them to stay over night.
they said they would, 18mo ago, for my birthday, but then changed their minds.

anyawy, we have a black tie 'do' to go to with dh's work. they will babysit till 2am but wont let the girls- 4y 10m and 2.5- stay over. they've always said taht dd2 is too young, and they're worried she wont settle.

now MY mum has said she'll have them,for the first time ever(she's just moved, so has more room) and she's 5 yrs older than dh's mum, and she's on her own! dh's response? 'what'll i tell my parents??' WTF!

my point is, dyou think it's a bit odd not to want you GC over for the night, or should i just accept it?

To op, no not odd. My mum felt much happier having them overnight when they got older and dh's mum was always very uptight that they would miss us too much too.

My good moans about this too (and her mum's youngish, fit, mum of 4).

I think it's quite common that grandparents are much more anxious about their grandchildren than they ever were about their children, sometimes to an irrational extent.

my mil phones when they have colds and you think they are dying

she like take them to a and e and some antibiotics etc... it does my head in

my good friend, that's meant to be.

It's not something you should "expect" IMO. It's true that they have had their own kids and done all that, they might not want to do it all again. Some people are like that, some aren't. Feel lucky that they even babysit. I know it is lovely to get a night off but maybe that will come as they get older.

I was amazed at a party recently the number of mums moaning about their parents lack of input with their grandchildren. One mum said that her parents had been on holiday for 3 months and she was really peed off that they hadn't been around to help her. Good luck to them, it's their chance to chill and enjoy each other, and hopefully that chance will come to us when our kids our grown up.

accept it. The good thing about grandchildren is that they aren't YOUR children.

haven't read whole thread but agree with sandyballs that it is not something you should expect - certainly never stayed over at my grandparents when I was a child.

My Mum had DS1 to stay a couple of times when he was much younger but she can't manage it now as my Dad is ill. The ILs have stayed at our house a few times and looked after the DSs when we've been to weddings etc and I think I'm really lucky for them to do that. I think they feel more comfy about the boys being in their own home.

I don't imagine my parents accepting to have DS on his own overnight, they are too afraid of DS having an allergic reaction. MIL would love to, but we can't, she just don't do instructions even at risk of causing a lot of damage (last week for example, she decided to show us DS was not allergic to milk by adding some when we were not looking... we had to use the inhaler, he got bloated and his face was puffy but I'm sure she didn't notoce any of these as she continue saying that all people had allergies so we shouldn't worry so much about DS's.... I just felt like stabbing her with DS's epipen! .... totally irrelevant to the thread, I know, but I needed to take it out of my chest

Moondog one fine day we'll meet on the pier or on the pebbles and I'll know instantly 'My God! If it isn't Moon Dog. And this must be your sister.'

noonar reading your OP I assume your PILs are open to the idea of having both your dd's to stay overnight, but not just yet. That is something to look forward to. Just another year or two with luck. IME having two under fives to stay overnight is a tall order for anyone. I don't think it's odd to be wary of having grandchildren to stay over at that age.

Anb if thought of waiting that long makes you frustrated, think of me . But I hope your family don't follow this pattern:

My two boys are aged 7 and nearly 13. Oldest one has stayed for holidays with my inlaws since he was 5. Inlaws live live 300 miles away. My parents are both dead, so no babysitting there.

So far circumstances (and sad death of PIL) have meant that my MIL has never had both boys to stay, even though the youngest (at 7 years) is two years older than the age of my first son when he stayed.

I assumed when our sons were this age, that dh and I would be enjoying a week alone together each summer while the boys were with the inlaws. It has not worked out. I don't know if it ever will as MIL seems settled about having just the older one and thinks she gets on with him better. But that's a self fulfilling prophecy as she has spent much more one to one time with him. MIL does say she will have both boys, so I live in hope (and last year was a very difficult time and I would not have expected
anything of her).

Problem is, my youngest son has got used to not being with his grandmother while the eldest goes off, so now he doesn'tt want to stay with her, preferring to get 100% attention from dh and I while his brother is away. MIL knows this, and it makes her nervous of taking him away.

So in the 13 years since we had children, dh and I have managed two weekends when we have had no children - a friend looked after the boys. And that was due to familiy crisis, not for fun.

Chandra, your MIL sounds like a stupid cow .

noonar - fwit - the only night away from dd1 I had was when I was recovering in hospital after having dd2 by c-section but she was with dh. Dd1 is 4 1/2. My mum will not have them overnight - even later in the year when it will mean dropping them off at her place at abut 5am for me to go to hospital to have no3. I have never had a night away from dd2 - who is 2 and a bit.

Again - dh and I have very limited access to child minding for the dds - even though a lot of my family live around. We just accept that and life goes in. In fact I can't remember the last time dh and I went out by ourselves.

Perhaps they do not feel confident with having the dds overnight - perhaps they like a lie in of a morning, perhaps they like to ease into the day rather than the getting up early and being on the go right from the start.

Your mum has offered to have them - problem solved.

"It's true that they have had their own kids and done all that, they might not want to do it all again".

This is certainly true in my Mother's case. Infact she used to talk about not wanting to help long before I became a parent. However, there is a danger in taking this stance too far; my parents have a fleeting relationship with DS as a result.

If we go out we pay for a sitter.

MIL used to have DS overnight on our wedding anniversary but health problems have put paid to that now (ham fisted FIL knocked her over on the pavement shattering her hip in the process).

if you have parents or in laws that can and do take your kids onernight THEN COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY!! If they won't then just accept it with good grace.

my 2 are 5 and 8 and we've never had a night away from them, so if you've got in laws prepared to babysit to 2am (which I think is far too late for grandparents to babysit so your getting away with a lot there)then think yourself lucky and stop whinging.

We pay for sitter/ swap sitting with friends. My MIL is great but lives 400 miles away. She does come to help us out with child care in holidays (for which I am eternally greatful) but I don't feel that I can expect this to happen. FIL lived in America and is now dead, so that counts him out.

My dad is also dead. My mother is in a psychatirc hospital as she has dementia. But even before she was she never baby sat or even watched dd for more than a few minutes when I went to the loo! In fact, she only fed her once, for five minutes (dd was bottle fed from 4 months) when I went to the loo. When I came out, she trrust her back at me and said, 'I'm not doing that again!'

i don't think it's odd- it's probably many years since they had young kids overnight, and it can be daunting. I'd say their reason is genuine, since they're willing to babysit until 2am instead!

I have the opposite problem- step MIL keeps asking to have DS, or even more annoyingly, talking to DS when i'm there and saying'yes, you're coming to stay with your travel cot soon, aren't you?'

DS is 7mths and has never slept through, so even if i were ready, he's not bloody going!

I don't expect my pil to take dd overnight without us. Not sure why, I just get the impression they're not too keen. We stay over there quite a lot, put dd to bed ourselves then go to the pub while pil babysit and we're back at 11pm to take over again.

I get more upset by the fact that they refuse point blank to stay over at our house or eat any food I prepare.

Why wont they eat your food Yaffle?

I don't think it is odd. It's their choice - grandparents don't have to look after their grandchildren at all. But if they will babysit and want to look after them for periods of time then that is great.

We are very lucky as both sets of grandparents will babysit regulalry. When DD was younger we would get them to babysit at our house, and on very late nights they stayed over here. That was our preference rather than theirs. Now DD is a bit older she sleeps over very occasionally at either sets.

However I know PILs won't have DD and my baby neice at the same time - this came up for this coming weekend. Think they feel it is too much for them. So, although we are going out with BIL & SIL, baby is staying with PILs and our DD is going to my parents - luckily they all live close enoguh!

As for your DH's 'what'll I tell my parents??' - not sure what he means TBH. If he comes up he simply says that your parents offered to have them overnight and that is more convient for you, so you have taken them up on their offer. PILs might be a bit put out as they don't get to babysit and spend time on their own with the GC, but they know the answer to that theselves.

None of my family members, brothers, sisters, parents, in-laws have EVER volunteered to have my children 7 & nearly 5 to stay over.
My parents did have them for 3 days when I was in hospital for surgery, but only accompanied by their aupair. They are not prepared to take them on their own.
So, don't know whether it is odd or not, noonar - but you certainly aren't alone!

My parents are as helpful as it is possible to be - two school pick-ups a week and a drop-off at Beavers...they are 77 and 82. We've settled on this "compromise" because they keep asking if they can do more (we beat them down to two a week). Actually, tbh, we are nearly at the stage where coming home is like encountering four small children (TV up too loud, squabbles over the remote, crumbs covering the kitchen floor, etc ), but I know how lucky we are that we have this feisty pair still champing at the bit, and above all, that the dcs know and love them well and have an insight into being around old folk.
BUT I'd not expect it of them. It has all been offered and gratefully received .
Despite being rather younger and less tottery, my MIL never offers to do anything and is a pretty hands-off "trophy grandma" (lots of photos on the antique bureau and never rings to see how they are).
We've never had a night away from them both and only for hospital admissions from ds.
C'est la vie. I'd love an overnighter with dh somewhere (never managed this for 40ths, nor 10th wedding anniversary), but we both accept that it's not going to happen for a while.

i don't have any family, the in-laws last had our three for a sleep over in june, the last 3 weeks have been a nightmare of hospital admissions and brain scans for DH who has been DX with MS & a brain tumour, throughout all this nightmare they have not once helped or offered to help with the kids, i somehow don't think this will change. the thing that upsets us is that the other 4 grandkids go on holidays with them every year and they have always spent loads of time with them, the big difference is that our three have autism so they don't ask gran if they can stay over.

onlyjoking, I am so sorry What an awful situation with your dh

only joking, i am so sorry to hear that. you poor things.

ssd, i have already stopped 'whinging', as you so kindly put it. (see my post from last night at 21.52)

thanks to all who have pointed out that maybe the age thing is a genuine issue. i do see your point of view, but just find it frustrating that my mil would be perfectly fantastic at looking after the youngest dd, but she worries unnecessarily about her abilities.

OJ - I had similar with the in laws when dh was in hospital. Their idea of 'help' was for me to go to them for a meal but they're an hour's drive away in the opposite direction to the hospital and doubled my journey time to the hospital to see dh.

MD - no idea, that's the million dollar question!

you were offered meals