INLAWS won't have dds to SLEEP OVER...

[noonar]

my inlaws are fit, local, retired, have a big house and love our dds. they will not however, have them to stay over night.
they said they would, 18mo ago, for my birthday, but then changed their minds.

anyawy, we have a black tie 'do' to go to with dh's work. they will babysit till 2am but wont let the girls- 4y 10m and 2.5- stay over. they've always said taht dd2 is too young, and they're worried she wont settle.

now MY mum has said she'll have them,for the first time ever(she's just moved, so has more room) and she's 5 yrs older than dh's mum, and she's on her own! dh's response? 'what'll i tell my parents??' WTF!

my point is, dyou think it's a bit odd not to want you GC over for the night, or should i just accept it?

It looks like you'll be able to go to the do so what's the problem ?

Yes, nice if gps offer, but no entitlement surely ? I do think you'll feel happier longterm if you just accept that things are the way they are.

And yes I know what it's like. I have 4 and nobody has ever had them all for the night. The youngest is 3 and wakes anywhere from 5.30 am every morning all year round.

I agree Noonar.
It's such a small thing and makes so much diference to one's frame of mind.

Yes it makes a HUGE difference

But relatives don't realise, and we quickly forget

Sometimes when relatives arrive I want to shake them and say CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE THEM OUT FOR A FECKING WALK SO I CAN TALK TO DH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWO YEARS?

The best thing you could do is to remember this and offer your services at all times to your OWN children in 30 years

no, there is no entitlement. but, as moondog says, these things can make such a difference. i will help my girls with their chn in any way i can. i won't say 'no' just cos it might be a bit tough for me, for one night. yes, they've had their chn, so they should know how hard it is!

capp, if i had a disabled child, i'd be even MORE critical of inlaws for not giving me time out!

I will ensure that I have my grandchildren over at least once a month.
I hate it when grndparents are doormats,but there is an acceptable amount they can do.

My sister and I had my other sister's four kids for two weeks (a week each) when she and her dh turned 40.She reckoned it was the best present ever.

noonar as I said, I get a bit peeved sometimes

but it's my job, not theirs

Being comfortable around very small children does not solely depend on age and fitness.

capp, it may not be their responsibility to look after your chn, but they do have a moral responsib to you to look out for your welfare, in any way they can. esp if things are tough, for whatever reason. that might entail taking the dc off your hands.

you sound much more understanding than me!

why do they have this moral responsibility?

capp, dont you have a moral responsib towards your chn? does the moral responsib stop when you reach 18? not in my opinion. i also think i have a responsib to look out for my brother, sil, friends etc etc. i think that part of being a good friend/ sis/ whatever, is helping someone out if they are struggling.

now, i'm not saying i'm going through a rough patch now, but i have in the past, and they have not been very forthcoming.

Gosh noonar I'd like the occasional offer of babysitting but I'd hate my gp's to feel THAT obligated!

That was so good of you moondog.
I couldn't get my in-laws not my parents to babysit for my fortieth so I had to take all the kids, with dh, on the London Eye.
They Eye bouncers confiscated the champagne he had bought to drink whilst up there, then while dining in a posh restaurant overlooking the Thames (but with 4 small children and a pushchair) I noticed a puddle of diahorrea building up underneath the high chair.
It was, indeed, a parenting low.

aw Spidermama that's thoroughly depressing

I agree, Moondog you are a SAINT

You make me want to have more children so that they can do nice things for each other (i.e. save them from their own children, hmmm)

I think both you Mum and MIL sound great. There is a difference babysitting until 2am at your house where your children are in their bed, and for them going to your MIL house for the night and I do see why your MIL is nervous. I bet she becomes much more confident as they get older.

Having a PIL in Spain who have seen DS once and DD 3 times in 8 years, and a mother here who I have to support and take shopping, to hospital appointments and who doesn't baby sit (actually she had DS for a few hours when I asked her in desperation) I think it is great that you have the option of two people to ask when you want to go out.

I am determined that I will not forget how hard this is (DD has mild SN and I have additional things like SALT, OT & Physio to fit in as well) and I will support my children when they have children.

Goodness, I hope my kids don't feel I have a moral responsibility to look after their children when they grow up. I certainly don't expect my parents to look after my kids (though it does make a huge difference to our lives when they do!). We really do try to keep it to essentials though - my mum took my dds for the day when I was in hospital recently to give my dh a break, and they had them for tea whilst we went to pick up our new puppy. They will be on standby for us when I go into labour with no. 4. But I certainly don't expect them to look after them just to give me a break or a night out! And once no. 4 comes along the chances of us being able to send them all off for the night will be reduced to about .... ooh, nil I would say . But it is our choice to have four children!

I really think it's just one of those things that you just have to accept what you are given. There is no "right" to time off from your children IMHO

Have to say I agree with Miaou. A lot of grandparents feel that they have done their bit in raising their children. Why SHOULD they take your children overnight? Fab if they do but no obligation.

I would take you Mum up on her offer and see how it goes. Your DH deosnt need to tell his parents anything. Unles they ask in which case he says that your Mum offered. End of story.

This thread makes me realise how lucky I am.

My mother had both my dc's overnight just so we could go out on Friday and regularly has one or both of them on the children's whim! She does, tho, prefer an overnight stay to babysitting til late

MIL too does her bit altho I rarely let her have both as she cannot cope with both together - she mainly does the messy stuff like cooking with them! She will babysit too once we have got them to bed (my decision as they play her up)

oh alright, you win. i'm unreasonable.

mine is 2.4 yrs old and had ALWAYS had slept in her OWN bed since from birth....meaning my mum and my inlaws never had my dd overnight (it would be lovely though!) but my mum who is single does the babysitting now and again at my house...my inlaws had never babysat.

Spider,that was indeed a low.
I have read elsewhere of your issues with your mother but duty aside,how could you not offer to help out in particular on an occasion like this which is so meaningful.

My sisters and i will do anything for each other where our respective kids are concerned.Comes from being sent to boarding school at a tender age i THINK AND ALWAYS HAVING TO LOOK OUT FOR each other.

Shame that one is miles awy in Brighton (I always look out for you when I am there SM!) and the other in Martinique!

not odd at all. It's up to them.
Just accept it.

hi i haven't read the full thread but my parent's won't have the kids overnight

i think they have them about two nights a year (generally because they are bad at nighttime)

and my mil won't have them as i don't like them going incase they come back dead!! seriously stupid woman!!

so we just donlt get to out a lot but you know they will be grown up soon enough