He threw a bottle at me

[Chipperton]

Regular poster but NC because I'm worried that this and details in previous posts will identify me.

DH and I have been married for 8 years, one DC who is 3. Since DS came along our marriage has hit a rocky patch and whilst he seems to enjoy spending time with DS, I often feel like he'd rather be doing something else.

DH is a functioning alcoholic (barely) and can easily drink 5-6 beers or a bottle of wine in an evening. He will drink considerably more when he does out (several times a month) and will often stay out all night with no explanation of where he has been or any apology for neglecting to come home at a decent hour. This also means that due to his hangover he is pretty much useless the day after he has been out.

We often quarrel about this. He'd been out last night and had said he'd been home around 11 (he wasn't obviously). I found him flopped on the sofa when DS and I got up for the day. I challenged him and said hangover or not he'd be expected to participate in the family plans for the day.

He flew into a rage. He was verbally abusive and threw an open bottle of milk at me. He's now stormed out of the house shouting 'FUCK YOU' and has driven off in his car.

I am stunned.

What an arsehole.

Hes abusive, physically and verbally. He did it in front of your son. He got in a car (he's probably still over the limit) and drove off. I sincerely hope he doesn't kill someone in his hungover rage.

I'd shop him to the police then move his stuff out onto the front pavement.

You're constantly picking up the pieces after him. Are there any positives that make it worthwhile? Hmm.

Your poor son. What a crap role model of a father. I hope he doesn't grow up thinking that this is normal.

Stunned you might be....and furious I hope? Three years is a long rough patch.

OP, you and your son deserve so much better.

I am still too shocked to be cross. He's been verbally abusive before but he's never thrown anything at me or hit me (or my son) before. I think I will probably be angry later.

DS saw the whole thing and is now playing quietly and very reservedly in the lounge, keeps asking where Daddy has gone and whether he is cross.

So he needs to leave, don't let him back in, if he comes back and is aggressive, call the police to remove him. DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS A MOMENT LONGER

He needs help that you can't give

Sod that - I would have a bag packed for him and explicit instructions to go sober up as far away as possible, preferably for a few days.

I assume from the fact you've mentioned it's been going on a while, means he doesn't see his alcoholism as a problem? Nor his shitty, unacceptable behaviour toward you and your son? Has he attempted or offered to seek help?

Does he have any MH conditions (diagnosed/undiagnosed) that have presented and got worse?

Personally, if he's not prepared to change or alter his coping mechanisms, it's a no brainer for me. If he's 'tried' to but gives up and resorts back to being a drunken shit, also a no brainer. If he's struggling, genuinely remorseful and wants help, I'd see about getting some but I suspect he is more the former - abusive, drunken and belittling and for your sake, especially your son's, you need to get out.

Chip has he driven off and is likely to still be over the limit?

If so for his own and other peoples sake , call the police. Residual alcohol plus anger = impaired decisions while driving. You can deal with the rest in a bit.

Was it a glass or a plastic milk bottle?

Hopefully this is a wake up call for you and you realise your son deserves better than this.

It was a plastic bottle. It didn't hurt me but there is milk everywhere. He just grabbed the closet thing and lobbed it - I guess it could easily have been worse.

There are times when he realises his drinking is excessive and that he probably has a problem and other times when he minimises it and claims it isn't an issue. It has been an issue on and off the entire time we've been together. It's become more apparent since DS has come along as I no longer go out and drink.

Im just very fed up and tired of it all. I am also worried about DS - he's very quiet and seems a bit sheepish. I don't understand DH at all, his mother was an abusive alcoholic and he was neglected as a child. Surely he can see that this is a pattern which is repeating itself.

I was hoping to have some time to myself today to do something I want to do. Fat chance of that now.

Incidentally I haven't been out of the house in the evening for a drink or a meal in over 3 years. It's very sad. I don't have a life really.

My part-time job and DS is all I really live for. Everything else is an unwelcome distraction.

Chipperton

Why are you together at all?

What is in this relationship for you?. Something has kept you within this so what is it?. Three years is more than a rough patch, its been three years of unrelenting misery for you and in turn your child.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships?. Surely not this role model of one. Your DS saw all this as well from his dad; he deserves better as well in his young life. Poor soul.

I would be also talking to Womens Aid as well as the Police. Your man is a violent drunkard who needs to be permanently gone from your lives now. He has simply dragged and is dragging you and your son down with him.

Honestly? I have no idea why we are still together. I'm afraid I'm rather pathetic. I have no friends and a disinterested family. My part-time job brings in virtually nothing at all and I'm not named on the mortgage. If I was child free and in a better financial position I'd be off like a shot. As it stands I feel stuck here and miserable.

Chipperton.

Re your comments:-
"There are times when he realises his drinking is excessive and that he probably has a problem and other times when he minimises it and claims it isn't an issue. It has been an issue on and off the entire time we've been together. It's become more apparent since DS has come along as I no longer go out and drink".

Like many alcoholics he is in denial of his own alcoholism. Also he likely badly underestimates how much he is putting away also. It is of no surprise either that this has been an issue the entire time you have been together. Bringing a child into this has only further highlighted your H's alcoholism.

"Im just very fed up and tired of it all. I am also worried about DS - he's very quiet and seems a bit sheepish. I don't understand DH at all, his mother was an abusive alcoholic and he was neglected as a child. Surely he can see that this is a pattern which is repeating itself".

Are you now prepared to divorce your H?. You also need to address yor own roles that have been played out in his alcoholism here; that of co-dependent, provoker and enabler. You are right to be worried about your DS: many many children who have an alcoholic parent grow up to have a raft of emotional problems themselves regarding their alcoholic parent or even become alcoholics or partners to alcoholics themselves.

Alcoholism can also be learnt behaviour and it is of no surprise either that his own mother was an abusive alcoholic; that is what your H has learnt from her about relationships and now he is treating you and your child the same way. Are you really that surprised?.

No-one protected your now H from his mother but you can protect your son. History does not have to repeat itself here. You and he deserve a life free from your H's and his father's alcoholism. Your own recovery from this as well will only properly begin once you yourself decide to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

You are not pathetic at all but only you can take that first, often the most hardest of steps, to plan your life away from this violent drunk. Your son deserves that much also, he does not and should not grow up in a home where drunkenness and the undercurrent of violence or actual violence are present. You have MN here and this can support you too. You are not alone and you have more power here than you think.

You are married to this man so your legal position here is better than if you were not. Seeking legal advice is also a good idea now so you have a proper idea of where you stand legally.

Speaking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 is a good start for you and you do need to consider talking to the Police as well. It matters not whether the milk bottle was glass or plastic; the fact that is was thrown at you at all is domestic violence.

If you are married, it makes no odds whose name is on the mortgage. The property is an asset of the marriage.

Okay, your job brings in very little, but you would receive tax credits and other in work benefits if you were on your own, not to mention child maintenance payments. Have a look at [[//www.entitledto.co.uk]]. Also, once your DS is at school, there will be more opportunity to work more, and all the time your employability is improving, because of the experience you are getting.

Don't let your financial position hold you back.

I suggest that you might wish to speak to a GP about your concerns re your H's alcoholism, and violence. Get it on the record.

Your H was brought up by an abusive alcoholic, and look how he turned out. Is this what you want for your son?

(Sorry, I did the link really badly, but it does work.)

Your not pathetic. You sound utterly depressed as you've lived with and supported a selfish alcoholic for years to the detriment of you and your son.

I had an alcoholic dad. I loved him dearly, but I should not have had to see the things I did as a child, and neither does your son. Why the hell is he sheepish and quiet? He did nothing wrong, but he already feels responsible for his dad's behaviour.

You are married and entitled to half the marital assets, so it doesn't matter that your name is not on the mortgage.

I know you are in shock, you've spent years trying to stop incidents like this morning, walking on eggshells, taking yourself and ds out of the way so he can have uninterrupted time to get drunk.

Please don't take any more. Call the police for his drunk driving NOW. If he hurts someone you won't be able to live with yourself if you didn't.

Then pack his bags and see a solicitor next week, and find out how you live your life without him in it. You and ds deserve so much more, but you have to do the hard part and break away. If you do, everything else will get better.

You can end this marriage as it's likely to get worse and your son will witness it.Its horrible for a chilchio grow up with an alcoholic parent and damages them significantly as you are seeing with your husband.They learn you deal with issues with alcohol, it's just becomes their way of life.

I know because I left my ex due to alcohol, my dc was 5.Years later he is still the same, sadly destroyed another relationship and more children due to alcohol.

You can survive with your son.It feels overwhelming but f you take the first step to ask him to leave you will get progress.See a solicitor as well and you will see ways to move forwards.

I shudder to think what my life would have been like had I stayed.Ex was charming and great fun but no matter how infrequent his drinking is, it changes you.I was on edge and had to be rresponsibl to counteract him.This is why you feel down on yourself, you can't truly live when you have a drinker in your life.

You are not pathetic. Not at all. And there is so much support on here from others who have been through the same, once you decide you are ready to act.

Please please phone the police about the driving though. that's a biggie and it's not just affecting you.

My part-time job brings in virtually nothing at all and I'm not named on the mortgage.

You are married and have a child so your situation is different to not being so. If I were you I'd call the police, report the assault and drunk driving and it will leave you in a better position when you want to stay in the house and kick him out.

I would not put up with what you have put up with. The first moment someone gets abusive- I end things. It's saved me a mountain of time and energy and probably tears. You need to call the police as he's a danger to himself and could get himself killed if he gets in an accident. This might not be a bad thing depending on your frame of mind and anger. You can't enable this behaviour anymore and as you are married you shouldn't worry about the mortgage etc. Get out whilst he is starting on this pattern of behaviour. It's not your responsibility to fix him or help him. Your responsibility is to yourself and your son (your DS is completely reliant on you... You owe your Arse of a H nothing).

I would +1 what Doreen said.

This is no life. You and your little boy deserve more and in your heart, you know that. If you stay, you will be taking several risks that in the long term, will prove disastrous.
The worst of these will be your son growing up to emulate his father because that is all he knows. Be strong. Be brave and make a decent life for you and your boy where your influence over his development sets the benchmark for his long term future.

Chipperton, you and your son would be better off on benefits than living like this. That's what they're there for, to help people in desperate situations.
You'd manage. Your son would have a happier upbringing.

If u don't leave him then surely u will be as guilty as him for your ds being in an unstable home with an alcoholic parent?

The cycle is starting again.

He lived with an abusive alcoholic parent.

Now your son is living with an alcoholic abusive parent.

Your son us already being affected and damaged.

Get out for him.

My DS and job is all I live for-says it all. Get out of this relationship.

Get the locks changed while hes out and never let him back in report him to the police aswell , this is a big red flag and things will only get worse so you must ltb now