DH is being ultra nice. How do I deal with this?

[MonicaLewinskisFlange]

So, after a massive blow up a few weeks ago, I've pretty much decided that I want to be on my own. At least a trial first. This is after a lifetime of verbal abuse, anger issues and selfishness. I'm just not sure about the timing. I feel differently about him, about being alone, and about my DCs future. He is now seeing a counsellor and is trying to not lose his temper and is being really caring and helpful. Like more than he has ever been. It's almost as if he has read my diary where I set out (for my own self-therapy) all the reasons I wanted us to separate.

I'm struggling to feel the love and affection he is giving me, it's more like annoying pawing. Why can't I give him a chance? I've detached from our relationship. He feels like a friend not a partner.

How do I deal with his new helpfulness around the house and with DC? Really confused right now. I was all set to build a new life, getting my head around what our finances and contact arrangements might be. I just haven't shared this with him yet. Now he thinks with the counseling that we are ok, and that we will stay together. Maybe we will. I don't know what I want anymore.

I think he's realised you want out and is on a temporary charm offensive to change your mind. It's very typical behaviour of controlling men when it looks like their partner is pulling away.

I recommend you buy a copy of 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. I think you'll understand his behaviour much better then. At least you now know that he's perfectly capable of controlling his temper when he thinks it's necessary. It won't last though. It's a facade to suck you back in.

Or maybe he was unaware of the impact of his behaviour and the blow up and counselling is helping him change.
It depends on what you want, if you are out of the relationship, then tell him and move on for both your sakes. If it could work then talk to him about what is necessary for him to do.

That's what I thought, but also wonder if its his counsellors doing? That the therapy is working. He said it has opened his eyes to how other people are affected by his behaviour. I'm just worried it's too little too late.

I've ordered the Kindle version thanks. It's been mentioned before to me but I didn't want to read it in front of him. Now the eBook will sort that.

He has got a lot to make up for. Recent stuff and past stuff.maybe he is trying to do that?

It seems unjustified if I say we are over, and he says but I've been good! It will be true and I will be portrayed as the bitch breaking up our family and doing this to him. He is also likely to be more difficult about the arrangements, refuse to move out, make it all nasty. I thought it would be easier when I could clearly point at X event being the final straw, and he accepts the fault, making it easier for me.

Thanks Carol we typed at the same time! I was replying to mumsknitter

I hate how wimpy and pathetic I sound. I am aware of this. I need a push I think.

I'd really like to ask my adult DC what they think, as they are so close to me and they know him, but it wouldn't be fair to involve them.

Not pathetic at all, it's hard when the goalposts have been moved. But you don't need his permission to leave, or to give him reasons that he will accept as being worthy. If the love has gone, his efforts are too little too late. If you really don't feel like making it work you don't have to, if he is getting better then he should be doing it for himself and his DCs, not to keep you married to him.

Sometimes it's to little, too late and the damage has been done. So even if he brings you the moon on a platter, you won't want to be with him. You can express that you have seen the changes, but due the past abuse you've suffered at his hands, it might be too late.

Would it be an idea for you to go to counselling too? Just to explore whether this is the best way forward, I felt like you, ready to break up, I went only to show I had 'tried everything' before throwing the towel in. I am still not sure whether we will stay together but everything is SO much clearer, (when you are in the middle of all the crap its hard to know what's what)
I wish you luck whatever you decide.

Do you think he has read your diary or maybe read your Mumsnet posts? He might have figured out your user name or installed a key logger or looked through your history list or ???

It would be worth taking precautions to find out, just in case.

I would also be worried about him being really nice - and unfortunately having read on here so much about it from other's experiences - I would worry that if it's not a genuine change then for every good behaviour there's a balancing up with some bad behaviour. And if he's been really really good , I'd worry that that would mean that he would be really really bad afterwards, which would leave me on eggshells the whole time and unable to enjoy the good - whether it is genuine good or controlling good.

I think it is also valid to say that whilst you acknowledge he is being good now, it's too little, too late. It's a permanent reminder of how unnecessarily miserable/horrible your earlier time with him was and that you're scarred and scared from those times - you're always on tenterhooks that he'll snap and you'll be back to square one - and you just can't live like that any more.

'A lifetime of abuse' doesn't get erased by a few weeks of nice behaviour
Real change takes more than a few sessions of counselling- first sign of stress or you being resistant to his 'charms' and his abusive behaviour will come right back
This is an abusers tactic - it's called hoovering
Finally, I bet he has read your diary
You don't owe him to stay with him. But if it makes you feel more justified you can stay until the next abusive outburst? Because it will happen.

So a few weeks of niceness are supposed to cancel out years of shit?

You don't need a final straw, you don't need permission. You have a fucking big list of things already.

Everybody understands the concept of "too little too late".

So, he stamped on your relationship for years and now he's pouring a bit of balm on it and expects everything to be ok?
You've had so much pain you've disconnected. That isn't your fault. You don't have to make an effort to make things right for him.
Make the break. You want to. It will be good for you.
What if he's genuine? Then he can court you after the break, and you can have him as a pleasant lover who doesn't mess up your life.

I have very little in the way advice but am in almost exactly the same boat (DD and I moved in with my parents a couple of weeks ago).

It is really bloody hard. I keep finding myself wishing he'd been the difficult, aggressive arsehole I'd expected him to be as it would have been easier to cope with. Instead he is a sobbing ball of remorse every time I see him (DD won't see him on her own), making all sorts of promises for the future and investigating counselling.

I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck going forward .

Please do not mistake temporary change/manipulation for lasting, fundamental change. Time will tell if it's the former or the latter. But either way you can walk away and maybe the damage cannot be undone. Why did he wait until now to take on board your feelings and needs?

Confuugled I don't know, he could just go into my browsing history. I leave my phone around. Part of me wants him to I think.

The other things you say, yes exactly exactly that. It feels like an alternate reality where for a few days I have had the husband I wanted, but know it won't last, that I don't trust it, and that it will probably be something i do to snap him back to his "normal", so it'll all be my fault. Again.

Anyway the mask slipped this morning. He was woken up by toddler DS about half seven and grumped and shouted at him in a nasty way because he was kicking him in our bed. Then he slammed the bathroom door in his face. And told me off.

"He" is back.

Yes mephisto it was "the first sign of stress" exactly as you say. The thing in my mind is how selfish I am for "wanting" him to behave badly just to justify me saying you have to leave, because that inherently means my DCs have to experience more of his actions. But I also struggle with worrying about access if he gives up on the therapy and never changes. They will suffer him anyway without me to step in and keep the peace or defend them. Which I do a lot. God, how fucked up this all is.

Thanks category and timelytess and everyone else I appreciate your advice.

Avalestrange sorry you are in that situation. And well done for being brave and getting out. I worry that he will persuade your DD that he is the victim. Can you set ground rules to protect her? My DH is too selfish to put our DC before himself. I'm not sure I'm doing it that well either but at least I am aware and trying. for you.

Kitty I don't know about the timing. I have pushed for so long to get him to agree to anger management therapy. Maybe our older DD telling him he needs it, maybe he finally took my ultimatum seriously. In fact I took him to gp to seek help for possible bipolar or adhd and he was referred for this anger counselling instead. Which is fine. It has opened his eyes but I know it's not an overnight fix

But I also struggle with worrying about access if he gives up on the therapy and never changes. They will suffer him anyway without me to step in and keep the peace or defend them. Which I do a lot. God, how fucked up this all is.

I felt exactly the same way, until earlier this year when my H's behaviour began to affect DD's wellbeing to the extent that I had to get school & GP involved to help with her anxiety. Had I not already been preparing to leave GP said she would have had to consider flagging it as a safeguarding issue.

Hopefully once you are away from him and have solid legal advice and emotional support you will find it easier to protect yourselves and your DCs from his behaviour.

X -post.

DD is 12 and very immune to his nonsense!

He'll never change.
Its all an act to keep control of you.
End it for good.

If you want to get out, you can. You don't need his permission, a reason, anything. If you're not happy, that's enough.

Thing is, if you're together in the home trying to mitigate his outburst for the dc's sake, you're teaching your dc it's your job to manage his emotions (setting them up for relationships like that, where the woman is responsible for the man's behaviour) and therefore your fault if the atmosphere is shitty. And there is never any peace or safety, they're in that environment all the time where even when it's good, it could go bad at any minute...

Surely a home where there is peace and consistency and he is an external influence rather than integral, is better? Plus if he had contact at weekends or whatever, he is more likely to go Disney dad and try harder in the limited time. Not to mention, when they're older they would choose whether they spent time with him or not.

I don't know about the timing

I think you need to stop wondering and presume that he is either reading you or your diary or internet use.

This is scripted. To make you doubt yourself and take pity on him. Please do not fall for it.

OMG he said he'd been good like a child. No it isn't good its normal FFS.

That shows how abusive he's been and the level of shit you've learned to put up with.