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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband resents me

77 replies

Agadooo · 06/08/2016 22:58

He ALWAYS makes little digs about me only working part time (2 school age kids) and then when talking about buying some new furniture (which we agreed we definitely need) he said 'you must think money goes on trees and if you want something other than cheap then why don't you go back to work full time and you can have it-money doesn't just appear, I have to work hard for it whilst you just think you can just pick things"-he says things like this ALL THE TIME-so patronising as if I'm a silly little girl. I told him calmy to stop speaking to me like that but he just carries on. I work 3 days and do ALL house things-shopping, cooking, ironing, cleaning, tidying, homework, planning days out/holidays including deciding and booking and packing, baths, hair washing, teeth brushing-EVERTHING whilst he dies nothing In the house ever-never puts dishes in the dishwasher, only in the sink or on the table -he earns way more than me but I hate that he talks to me like a silly girl who doesn't understand money-HATE IT! He thinks I should do everything as I only work 3 days and I don't mind that but do mind the money conversations. Anyone else husbands like this?

OP posts:
Pearlman · 07/08/2016 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 07/08/2016 07:29

Honestly it will be easier for the kids when younger, mines are 15 & 12 and I accept it would have been better to do it years ago instead of prolonging. It will damage them more witnessing year after year.

SomeonesRealName · 07/08/2016 07:36

He is abusive I agree. 7 is very high when the acceptable number should be zero. Definitely don't do joint counselling but think about individual counselling for yourself. Have a look online at the Freedom Programme.

kittybiscuits · 07/08/2016 08:30

Your life will be much better in all ways when you leave him. He doesn't like or respect you. He will be an arsehole when you leave him and hate you even more. He will not get 50/50 if you are the main carer to the children. Start making notes - who takes the kid (s) to doctors/dentist/hairdressers? Who buys shoes and clothes. Are you going to let this be your life?

jelliebelly · 07/08/2016 08:36

Your children are learning that this is how normal relationships function - waiting until they are older before you leave is the worst thing you could do for them..

Kr1stina · 07/08/2016 08:41

Lots of men seem very happy for their wives to work 100hours a week when they have small children . While the men work 50 hours a week .

Then when all the kids are at school, they see that their wives working hours have gone down to 60 or 70 hours a week and they become resentful.

Original poster
Agadooo · 07/08/2016 10:29

Thank you everyone-a lot to really think about.
Heron-I NEVER ask him to do anything around the house and I can't ask him to share things more equally, he wouldn't do it and I also don't feel that's the problem-the problem is that he resents that his job is more stressed than mine and talks to me often like a child. He'd get on fine if i left for a week/weekend- capable if he wants to be i'm sure (ready meals and his parents would help). If I said I was leaving he wouldn't fight for me. Yes 9 days silent treatment last month-previously been 4/5 days in previous few occasions-communicates normally with the kids but only yes/no to me if I ask him something and no talking if I don't ask anything.

OP posts:
CodyKing · 07/08/2016 10:32

Ok so he doesn't see what you do around the house as valuable - clean shirt anyone? So stop doing it.

9 days silent treatment and you carried on doing his stuff?

Dinner not important? Make his own - make that include the shopping and cooking!

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 07/08/2016 10:39

He's stressed in his job but can't leave or cut his hours as you won't work more.

Have you both actually sat down and talked about how things could be made better? If you had the five days stressed in a job you hated whilst he did three days only and had two extra days off wouldn't you feel resentful too.

Maybe it's time to call it a day, you sound like you hate him and stay for the lifestyle and he's acting out of stress. Neither is happy.

True partnerships work together to find a solution that both are happy with, not just one.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 10:42
Hmm

God people post some bullshit "advice" on here sometimes.

Kr1stina · 07/08/2016 10:48

That's just what I was thinking Emma

Lilacpink40 · 07/08/2016 10:50

You are making me feel better about being single. My STBXH manipulated and put me down. I could never do enough for him and he was always the victim.

I now only have 2 DCs, he was my moody teenager, yes they can drive me mad, but they aren't being cruel like he used to.

Don't jump for divorce, but do consider serious ultimations that you will see through.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 10:52

Honestly, people who say that kind of shit to women in abusive relationships should be fucking ashamed of themselves.

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 10:53

(My last post wasn't aimed at you Lilac, just to be 100% clear!)

Kr1stina · 07/08/2016 10:54

Sometimes I think that a poster is my mother ( except she's dead )

She didn't ever listen to what you said, let alone read between the lines . It was like she had a list of cliches in her head and just pressed the button on the one that was vaguely relevant.

Eg " I think my husband is cheating on me "
" well just ask him about it, you will be able to tell from his reaction "

" my husband won't do any housework "
" well it's because you don't ask him nicely enough "

" my husband treats me like shit"
" you should be grateful that he has a good job "

Etc etc

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 10:55

Kristina Grin

Original poster
Agadooo · 07/08/2016 10:55

I'm a bit confused by your post Dragon-yes he's stressed in his job as that's the kind of job he does-it's not that he 'can't leave or cut his hours as I won't work more ' -that's not the problem-me working more has never been a suggestion due to other childcare issues this would bring. He doesn't want to leave his career and can't cut hours. These aren't the issues I've spoken about.
You're saying 'I stay for the lifestyle' -rather speechless at that-what lifestyle? Working hard 3 days a week at work and working hard 2 days a week at home. Living in an average house in an average area, buying essential items out of joint money-what lifestyle are you referring to that he funds? Its not like he earns £100k and I earn nothing!!!!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 10:56

Just ignore Dragon, OP.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 07/08/2016 10:58

No i have full access to my husbands wages and he trusts me to make decisions on whats best to spend it on for household , children , holidays , decor - because you know im a grown woman who is perfectly capable of ensuring we are living within our means while enjoying a comfortable quality of life , he sounds a bit of a sexist pig tbh

RandomMess · 07/08/2016 10:58

Op what a horrific relationship you have.

I would like to hope you can find the help and strength to leave so that your DC realise that child rearing and home making are valued, important and that everyone deserves to be respected and treated well rather than controlled and abused and being used as a skivvy Sad

Does that man realise how much childcare and a housekeeper would be?

NameChange30 · 07/08/2016 10:58

She (?) ignored everything you actually said and made a load of nasty assumptions based on nothing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/08/2016 11:00

"I am with him as we have kids and he would make it so difficult if I said I wanted to leave"

Such abusive inadequate men always spout such guff because it works on their intended chosen victims. It has kept you there and in check. His threats are empty ones and made through wanting to keep his own power and control over you.

It is precisely because of these children that you should leave him. If you are only with this man because of the children then you are also doing your bit here to also show them that a loveless and abusive relationship is and will be their "norm" too. Its no legacy or relationship lesson to teach them Agadooo, it really is not.

Your children also noticed that he gave you the silent treatment for 9 days as well. Its a terrible atmosphere for them to grow up in.

TuppencePenny · 07/08/2016 11:05

I couldn't be in a relationship with such an arrogant misogynistic partner who clearly thought I was beneath him.

If I were in your shoes I would make a list of absolutely I did around the house and with the children outside of work that I did in a week. If ask him if we could schedule time for a "chat" (so he knew I was being serious). I would then say: "I know you want me to go back to full time work as you're concerned about money. I am going to do this but first I want to be clear about how we divide up household and children related jobs." (Produce the list.) say to him you'll both be working the same hours out of the home and can he choose half of the jobs on your list he will take on and you'll do the other half.

He needs a wake up call. Don't let him bully you he sounds a right arse.

hownottofuckup · 07/08/2016 11:08

It does sound as though sooner or later you are heading for divorce.
Don't fall into the trap of thinking
A) it's better for the DC if you wait for years, the set up will have become their norm, it'll be a harder change for them and their view of you and how to conduct adult relationships will have been heavily influenced by that point
B) that he will definitely follow through any threats, the 'i will go for custody' one is standard, it's a threat to make you behave
C) That you don't matter enough

Spice22 · 07/08/2016 11:12

1). I'd leave . But please don't be relying on child maintenance like son posters are saying - it's well known that some people can easily wiggle out of it . So when making plans , don't budget that in.

2). If you don't want to leave , go back to work full time. Sit down , budget the extra costs of going back to work. Decide how you will both pay for them (50:50 or proportional to earnings) and then go back. Even if he changed his mind , I'd still go back. This doesn't sound like a man you want to be reliant on.

3). I'd leave.

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