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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband resents me

77 replies

Agadooo · 06/08/2016 22:58

He ALWAYS makes little digs about me only working part time (2 school age kids) and then when talking about buying some new furniture (which we agreed we definitely need) he said 'you must think money goes on trees and if you want something other than cheap then why don't you go back to work full time and you can have it-money doesn't just appear, I have to work hard for it whilst you just think you can just pick things"-he says things like this ALL THE TIME-so patronising as if I'm a silly little girl. I told him calmy to stop speaking to me like that but he just carries on. I work 3 days and do ALL house things-shopping, cooking, ironing, cleaning, tidying, homework, planning days out/holidays including deciding and booking and packing, baths, hair washing, teeth brushing-EVERTHING whilst he dies nothing In the house ever-never puts dishes in the dishwasher, only in the sink or on the table -he earns way more than me but I hate that he talks to me like a silly girl who doesn't understand money-HATE IT! He thinks I should do everything as I only work 3 days and I don't mind that but do mind the money conversations. Anyone else husbands like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Agadooo · 06/08/2016 23:38

I agree pinky-definitely don't want it to be like this forever. He talks about the future with me and he would never even contemplate that I ever wouldn't be here. He would want most/exact equal custody of the kids and be really difficult about things and would do anything to make life difficult -he would hate me sooo much-it would be horrible for the kids-they would be like pawns-I couldn't stand it-don't know what the answer is-if I'm honest I think I'll end up staying until kids are older and decisions won't affect them so much. What a fool I am-shouldnt have had kids and got married in the first place.

OP posts:
LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF · 06/08/2016 23:39

Aaahh, OP - while not making light of your situation and your (twattish) DP, it's posts like these that shake me out of my 'poor me, I'm single' mindset. Ask him if he knows of any jobs where you work 24/7 with no breaks and no holiday entitlement. Would he like to swap? I suggest you leave the house tomorrow morning at 7am and return at about 9pm. See how he 'gets on'....

Beeziekn33ze · 06/08/2016 23:41

Is counselling a possibility? For both of you, I was wondering.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 06/08/2016 23:41

LTB.

Original poster
Agadooo · 06/08/2016 23:45

Id like counselling Beezie-I've never suggested it and don't see him doing it though-he's not much of a talker about emotions etc and only EVER sees his own side and feels every discussion is an argument and that its against him personally rather than just a discussion looking at different options.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 06/08/2016 23:49

OP and Beezie, joint counselling is NOT recommended when there is abuse.

Why am I the only one acknowledging the fact that this man is abusive?!

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 06/08/2016 23:50

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with a man who sneers at you, treats you like a slave, looks down on you and talks to you like you're shit on his shoe.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 06/08/2016 23:51

Not just you Emma, I agree he's abusive as fuck.

Definitely NO counselling OP!! he will twist and use what he learns about you/counsellor's suggestions into making things ten times worse

CodyKing · 06/08/2016 23:53

If you add up the cost of a cleaner house made laundry service taxi childcare etc I think you actually save the family a fortune!

He's being a knob.

Tell him that if he thinks so little of you you will leave and he'll have to support two homes and have the kids to look after half the week -

You need to go away for a weekend and leave him too it. A family emergency the other end of the country should do.

See how he gets on

Then arrange to leave him

Kr1stina · 06/08/2016 23:55

He didn't speak to you for 9 days last month?

NameChange30 · 06/08/2016 23:57

Thank you SpecialAgent.

This thread on joint counselling and abuse is a depressing interesting read.

WingsToFly · 07/08/2016 00:02

Being free of him could have quite an effect on your libido - it creeps up on you but abuse like this takes the spark out of lots of things. You sound like you feel trapped OP, but the idea that he would deff make things hard for you if you left is in itself, ironically, one of the strongest indicators that you should leave him imo.

Primaryteach87 · 07/08/2016 00:11

Just to add my voice to those saying he is a horrible man and is being abusive.

He is using you as as a scale goat for any issues he has.

Please leave him. Your children are learning some horrible messages. You are worth more than this.

WingsToFly · 07/08/2016 00:17

9 days?? Shock

That's the longest I've ever heard of for silent treatment. Did he communicate in other ways, ie via your children? Was he interacting with them as normal and just ignoring you?

BlackeyedSusan · 07/08/2016 00:30

well I made it 11 from just your posts.

children adapted better when they were younger and could not remember having him around.

Canyouforgiveher · 07/08/2016 00:35

He is an ass. I wouldn't stay married to him.

Go back to work full time.

tell him to do his half of everything you are currently doing.

(He won't but at least you'll have more money to make it easier to leave him.)

Ginkypig · 07/08/2016 01:05

I'm sorry to tell you but I also think he is an abusive fuck.

There is no only 7 there is oh my goodness its 7!

No person deserves this.

I can't tell you to leave him because that is for you to decide (if I could I'd tell you to run like the wind) but imagine a world where you are in complete control over your own life and no one has the fucking audacity to make you feel small and less than for simply wanting to provide for your family!

Isetan · 07/08/2016 03:07

What message do you think your shitty marriage is sending your children? Your marriage is their primary relationship role model and yours is an abusive one.

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/08/2016 06:24

Adding to the 'he's abusive' lobby here.

You do realise that, even if you went back to work full time (and continued to do all the house/child duties), it still wouldn't be enough for him? He'd tell you that your earnings were lower than his, so you deserved to have to do everything else around the house, to 'make up' for it.

Was married to a 'you don't earn, you mean nothing' man, so speaking from experience here.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 07/08/2016 06:43

Mine is like this too with regard to wanting me to work full time and pay my way. He resents supporting me while I look after our kids. Shame as I love being around while they're little. Youngest is 6months so I'm hardly skiving off. Ill never forget how he made me feel during this time. I feel your pain op although yours sounds abusive

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 07/08/2016 06:55

I think he's being abusive too. Your children will be picking up on this too.

MissMargie · 07/08/2016 07:02

You keep saying 'he will do thiis' 'he will do that' if we split, but you don't actually know. He might clear off and find someone new, who knows?

heron98 · 07/08/2016 07:13

I can sort of understanding his resenting you working part time if he has to work full time.

The doing stuff around the house is a separate matter, although I guess if you're at home more then it's part of the "deal" that you do the lion's share.

Can you back to work full time and insist things are shared more equally?

prettywhiteguitar · 07/08/2016 07:22

I think you should seriously think about putting on your big girl pants on and planning to leave the twat.

He sounds horrendous, of course he says he will make it difficult for you, that's to keep you in your place.

Don't get wrong it will be difficult at first but then you will be free of him day to day and you can get on with living

MoreGilmoreGirls · 07/08/2016 07:25

If my husband did only one of the things on that list I'd leave him.