MIL ... another 'Am I Being Unreasonable' thread

[WigWamBam]

MIL used to live just around the corner so we saw her quite often, if only for short periods at a time. Last year she suddenly decided she was going to move, which she did about six months ago. It now takes a couple of hours to drive to her, so we don't see her anywhere near as often, which she and dh are now complaining about.

Originally she wanted to see dd every week, but I felt that this would eat into our weekend time too much, because with the travelling each visit takes most of the day, so we agreed on seeing her every three weeks or so, which would have meant us driving down every six weeks as we would alternate between her coming here and us going there. I questioned this at the time, as for one thing she has to rely on SIL for transport, and for another thing she rarely visited us even when she lived within walking distance, but this was what she wanted.

She's been here once in six months, and even then she wasn't here for more than 20 minutes, then went off to spend the rest of the day with a friend of hers. SIL is quite happy to bring her, but MIL is now muttering about not being able to come because our toilet is upstairs and she refuses to use our stairs (although she manages perfectly well with even steeper steps at SIL's house).

When we do go and see her, dd and I are pretty much excluded. She saves up little jobs for dh to do then leaves me and dd to our own devices while she and dh do the jobs. She has mentioned that she thinks I ought to take dd out to the shops and leave dh with her and SIL. When we saw her at Christmas they wanted lots of photographs as it was MIL's first Christmas in her new home - dd and I weren't allowed to be in any of them because we aren't MIL's children. We really might just as well not be there, as the only person she really wants to spend time with is dh - she loves to see dd, but after ten minutes she's had enough of her.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, MIL is now complaining that we don't go over often enough - we last went over on Christmas day, and she was here two weeks ago, although as I said it was only for twenty minutes, we were just somewhere convenient to stop for a cup of tea and a sandwich before she went off to see the people she really wanted to see. Dh thinks we should drive over there every other week just to keep the peace, but I really don't want to. It's a long way for dd in the car, she gets car sick so has to be medicated, neither she nor I are particularly welcome when we get there, and I have better things to do with my time than to spend four hours on the road just to be glared at by my MIL for a couple of hours.

I have so many issues with my MIL that my automatic instinct is to dig my heels in, and I find it hard to be objective about her. Is it unreasonable to tell dh that I don't want us to have to drive to her more than once a month, and that if she wants to see us any more than that it's up to her to come here? My gut feelings are that if she wanted to spend more time with us then she shouldn't have moved so far away, and she should be prepared to put herself out a bit in order to do it - but is that selfish?

hunker, you really should get back over to your wheelchair thread to clarify the kicking off bit, VVVQY was asking that re your thread but I think aitch thinks she is referring to the cbb thread, oh the joys of MN..........runs off to have a silly giggle.
Sorry hi jack over

Is this the MIL of knicker elastic fame? I think she's a cow, personally, expecting you to drive a child with car sickness such a long way every other week. For heaven's sake, she's seen you twice in three weeks! And she's not very nice or welcoming when you do. Very odd about the photos too.

Although I would cut her some slack on the saving up jobs for dh, if she's on her own, as he is her son and I think it's OK to expect him to help.

She sounds more interested in DH than your DD from what you say in opening post!

You don't sounds unreasonable to me, but MIL sounds a little odd.

I agree with those who suggest your dh should go every two weeks to her, you can continue with the once a month trip. Site the fact your dd gets sick as a reason.

Alternatively move to australia, I hear the weather's lovely (and there's no way in hell you'll be able to visit her every two weeks).

Btw out of curiousity, what did you get this christmas from MIL???

Hunker, I dream of shoving half a loofah where the sun don't shine ...

I don't have a problem on the whole with him doing jobs for her. Part of the problem there, though, lies with the fact that she is so dependent on him.

Plus it's taken forgranted that we will do the stuff for her - he is her first port of call. We did managed to find an odd job man for her ... but she won't pay the prices he charges.

I am bitter, and I admit that I am - but being able to come and have a whinge about her makes it bearable. Much of my bitterness about dh doing all her odd jobs stems from when she first moved - the "little jobs" were all-consuming. For the first three months I didn't see dh at all - he was either at her new place helping her, or he was at her old place because she didn't bother moving any of her things, so we had to do her packing and cleaning for her. She has always expected him to drop everything for her and pretty often he does just that - which I understand. But sometimes it's not reasonable to expect someone to drive for two hours to change a light-bulb and move your furniture around.

Macneil, my MIL is often the stuff of MN jokes ... partly because a couple of years ago she gave me 34 metres of elastic as my Christmas present. Nothing else, just 34 metres of knicker elastic. It's very hard to get hold of these days, don't you know! Then the following year I got half a loofah. This year's terranium was almost tasteful but rather disappointing given the comedy value of her previous offerings!

Thanks for indulging me moaning about her again!

I had a MIL like her - complete nightmare, no-one good enough for her son; cried when we told her we were getting married and tried to talk me out of it - and it only ended when she died. Whatever you do, don't let it come between you and dh - ideally, you need HIM to stand up to her and set the boundaries - whatever you both agree those boundaries are (e.g. he goes there once every three weeks on his own.) Mine did her level best to wreck our marriage, but thankfully she failed and, harsh as this is, we're much happier without her.

WWB, your MIL isn't going to change. Is there any hope your DH will change? How does he respond when you express your frustration at her leaving you and DD out of things? Does he not see it?

It's unlikely your MIL is actually meaning to be this mean and weird, she's no doubt just acting naturally, without thinking about it.

I know it's the default suggestion in Relationships, but I really do think you and your DH should consider counselling on this subjects. Stress about relatives are a common cause of marriages ending, and the fact you don't see (anywhere near) eye to eye on his mum is very worrisome.

He'd be mortified if I suggested Relate, and I think I would be too if truth be told. Our relationship is a good one - despite the MIL's meddling! We can generally talk about anything and deal with things pretty well. On the subject of his mother, sometimes he just rolls his eyes but usually we'll talk about it, agree that there's a problem with a particular issue (or not) - and that's an end to it. He doesn't seem to see further than each individual issue. Ten minutes later it's all forgotten about.

I dwell on things and brood about them, whereas he doesn't. We don't often row but when we do, he will be back to normal and trying to hold a conversation within ten minutes, while I'm still upset or angry. He's like that with the MIL issue as well - it's as if he thinks that because we've spoken about it and agreed that she shouldn't have done whatever it is she's done, there's nothing more to say.

She nearly split us up six months ago, while all the palarva was going on about the house move; dh could see that what she was doing was unreasonable but went along with it anyway because she didn't leave him much choice.

I'm sure she doesn't mean to be weird, but I'm not sure she doesn't mean to be so mean. Some of it is pretty calculated - not so much where dh and dd are concerned, I have to admit, but certainly when it comes to me it's pretty deliberate. Usually I can take it but sometimes it just gets too much.

He knows that she leaves me out of things, but has never really been prepared to do anything about it - puts up with it for a quiet life, I guess. I was waiting at Christmas for him to answer her with "This is my wife and child" when she started on about being their mother but he didn't - he looked startled and did apologise on her behalf afterwards, but it doesn't go any further than that. And there's no reason why he should apologise for her - unless it's because he knows he should have said something.

He has stood up for me against her once or twice, but it doesn't happen very often. And even if he says something, it's said and then it's over and done with. Nothing more is said, and nothing more is done.