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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL ... another 'Am I Being Unreasonable' thread

58 replies

WigWamBam · 28/01/2007 19:23

MIL used to live just around the corner so we saw her quite often, if only for short periods at a time. Last year she suddenly decided she was going to move, which she did about six months ago. It now takes a couple of hours to drive to her, so we don't see her anywhere near as often, which she and dh are now complaining about.

Originally she wanted to see dd every week, but I felt that this would eat into our weekend time too much, because with the travelling each visit takes most of the day, so we agreed on seeing her every three weeks or so, which would have meant us driving down every six weeks as we would alternate between her coming here and us going there. I questioned this at the time, as for one thing she has to rely on SIL for transport, and for another thing she rarely visited us even when she lived within walking distance, but this was what she wanted.

She's been here once in six months, and even then she wasn't here for more than 20 minutes, then went off to spend the rest of the day with a friend of hers. SIL is quite happy to bring her, but MIL is now muttering about not being able to come because our toilet is upstairs and she refuses to use our stairs (although she manages perfectly well with even steeper steps at SIL's house).

When we do go and see her, dd and I are pretty much excluded. She saves up little jobs for dh to do then leaves me and dd to our own devices while she and dh do the jobs. She has mentioned that she thinks I ought to take dd out to the shops and leave dh with her and SIL. When we saw her at Christmas they wanted lots of photographs as it was MIL's first Christmas in her new home - dd and I weren't allowed to be in any of them because we aren't MIL's children. We really might just as well not be there, as the only person she really wants to spend time with is dh - she loves to see dd, but after ten minutes she's had enough of her.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, MIL is now complaining that we don't go over often enough - we last went over on Christmas day, and she was here two weeks ago, although as I said it was only for twenty minutes, we were just somewhere convenient to stop for a cup of tea and a sandwich before she went off to see the people she really wanted to see. Dh thinks we should drive over there every other week just to keep the peace, but I really don't want to. It's a long way for dd in the car, she gets car sick so has to be medicated, neither she nor I are particularly welcome when we get there, and I have better things to do with my time than to spend four hours on the road just to be glared at by my MIL for a couple of hours.

I have so many issues with my MIL that my automatic instinct is to dig my heels in, and I find it hard to be objective about her. Is it unreasonable to tell dh that I don't want us to have to drive to her more than once a month, and that if she wants to see us any more than that it's up to her to come here? My gut feelings are that if she wanted to spend more time with us then she shouldn't have moved so far away, and she should be prepared to put herself out a bit in order to do it - but is that selfish?

OP posts:

Original poster

WigWamBam · 28/01/2007 20:04

Mad as a fish, Sue.

The photos thing ... she's weird with photos anyway. This is the same woman who once said that we shouldn't bother getting photographs done of dd because she's not that attractive.

OP posts:

suejonezisdanielsmummy · 28/01/2007 20:08

She always strikes me as someone who is over attahced to her children - most grandparents seem to enlarge that bond to their grandchildren but she doesn;t seem to - very odd. My mother absolutely dotes on Daniel and is terrified that I am going to scald him with hot tea or put him in a bath of boiling water or freeze him to death by not putting socks on him - luckily I find it very sweet that she is so attached to him and quite healthy.

Your MIL does NOT sound healthy!

Original poster

WigWamBam · 28/01/2007 20:12

No, I don't think she is.

I don't think it helped that neither of her children had serious partners until they were into their 30s, so maybe she's just had longer having them to herself.

She's very odd towards dd, almost pays lip service to her - happy to spend ten minutes with her but then is bored. She won't cuddle her or just sit with her like my parents do. Maybe she'll find her more interesting as she gets older, but by then it will be too late.

OP posts:

Sobernow · 28/01/2007 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CamomileTea · 28/01/2007 20:16

if you want a male opinion from a man who loves his mother very much, dh has just been listening to me reading bits of it out

he says you should say to your dh 'get a spine. go to your mother's, your stuff is on the lawn'

and he hasn't given up coffee

lemonaid · 28/01/2007 20:17

WWB... any time you are thinking of starting a thread with the words "MIL" and "am I being unreasonable?" in the title, I think it's a safe bet that the answer will be "No".

(P.S. what did she get you this Christmas?)

Original poster

WigWamBam · 28/01/2007 20:19

I like the sound of your dh's mother, sobernow!

I get so worn down by her. Usually I just get on with it and let her wash over me but it's relentless, and I find it very wearing. Every now and then it just grinds me down, and it's good to come and have a moan here, helps me get it all back into some kind of perspective.

Thanks for listening.

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suejonezisdanielsmummy · 28/01/2007 20:20

HIJACK - Lemonaid I was just asking on the West London thread if anyone had seen you as I hadn;t since I got back...

pigsinmud · 28/01/2007 20:20

I feel so reassured by the fact there are so many loony mils out there. Dh and I thought we were alone. She kept her eyes shut during the ceremony that's awful.

If she moves furhter away she should put up with the consequences. My mil moved further away - 2 hour drive now a 4 hour drive. She comes once a month and now stays 3 nights (well she did, but hasn't spoken to us for 6 months) - too much for me, but dh can't say anything to her.

Original poster

WigWamBam · 28/01/2007 20:21

CT, I like the sound of your dh as well

Dh isn't normally a weak person, just when it comes to his mother. Because she's his mother.

Lemonaid, I was really disappointed with her Christmas present this year; it was almost tasteful! It was a small glass terranium thing - you know the glass spheres that you can grow plants in. Shame it's shaped like an apple and all the plants and gravel were spray-painted gold ...

OP posts:

Cappuccino · 28/01/2007 20:21

any time wwb

(have just changed my name back cos no-one knows who I am; realise that on threads like this I look like some upstart bouncing in on your life)

Original poster

WigWamBam · 28/01/2007 20:24

No, I know who you were! I was on the thread where you changed ... I think I may have suggested you were going to smell like wee or something

OP posts:

ScummyMummy · 28/01/2007 20:24

God, poor you, wwb. She's such an ongoing nightmare for you, isn't she? I think dh should go once a month with dd and, if he's really keen, another once per month on his own. You should not go. If she wants to see you as a family she can come to you. She is unspeakably rude and you shouldn't have to put up with her behaviour, imo. Personally I suspect dh is using you as a buffer between him and his mum so that he doesn't have to face how annoying and grasping she is because you get all the grief. This is out of order. Let him go and experience her bad side for himself, if that's the case. Or if that's not true and he's not doing that, her good side, which would be great for all concerned. It's possible she does want him to herself every now and then and that's not unreasonable. I think families are too scared to separate from each other sometimes. Not everything has to be done as a whole family.

lemonaid · 28/01/2007 20:27

Did she not know that you had thousands of people here waiting for her to outdo her previous efforts? That hardly sounds like trying to me...

I posted to you on the West London thread, SJ. In between several posts from other people that you read and responded to. But I'm not, you know, bitter or anything [wanders off to sob into cocoa].

noonar · 28/01/2007 20:30

god, these bloody mils are are pain in the arse. why do they think they have the right to behave so outrageously. stick to you guns...'go girl, go girl...'

Cappuccino · 28/01/2007 20:31

oh yes, wwb, the wee - had forgotten

thanks for that

mytwopenceworth · 28/01/2007 20:33

WWB, i've read enough about your mil to know that she's never going to chage. she is one of these 'nobody is good enough for my little baby' women. she is competing with you - which is the ultimate in sick, tbh as a mother trying to be a wife is----well, it's oedipus complex in reverse, isn't it!!!

your mil is a total fruitloop and she's very lucky you are so patient because most women would be visiting her with a baseball bat in the boot by now!

so no, you are not being unreasonable. why should you do anything for that woman who has caused you nothing but grief?

it just isnt in your nature to get tough with her though is it? you are far too nice and, sadly, some people will always take advantage of that.

let him go on his own if he wants, i really wouldnt bother going at all, EVER, if i was in your position - she'd like it that way anyway, so why bother with her at all!

you are not selfish, not a bit

AND THATS YOUR BLOODY PROBLEM!!!!!! ARRGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster

WigWamBam · 28/01/2007 20:34

Scummy, I agree. He does sometimes go and see her on his own, and often calls in on his way past if he's working on site. Usually it's at my instigation though! When she lived nearer I'd often suggest he went and sat with her over a cup of coffee in the evenings, or that we took her out somewhere. Which is something she doesn't realise - whenever we do something with her, or for her, it's usually me who's suggested it. Left to his own devices it wouldn't happen.

Lemonaid, I know! Such a disappointment after the elastic and the half-loofah. No comedy value in a terranium at all

OP posts:

Original poster

WigWamBam · 28/01/2007 20:36

MTPW, I know. Too bloody soft, it's all my own fault for not being tough enough. And you know, I hate myself for it sometimes.

I'm fed up of being nice, I'm fed up of being walked all over. But I'm too soft to change!

OP posts:

kickassangel · 28/01/2007 20:47

ok, it's difficult. he is her son, and most families ask favours of each other, because therwise you'd spend you life savings on getting people in to help. BUT that shouldn't be the sole reason for your visit. how inclusive of you & dd she is, is a different matter. quite a good idea to plan days out, expecially if sh'e new to the area, you could sell it as helping her to settle in. my dh used to defend his mum quite a lot, then i finally shut up & he realised how manipulating she is - but he still jumps when she says. i'm afraid some mums just have the powr of control over their kids, no matter how mature they are in the rest of their lives. iw ould be very wary of any fixed pattern, you could get really trapped in that. and yes, once a fortnight is too often- just doesn't give any of yu time to enjoy weekends.

suejonezisdanielsmummy · 28/01/2007 22:19

HIJACK - oopsie, sorry Lemon, blame it on the jetlag (at least I asked about you!)

Sakura · 29/01/2007 01:23

I agree with the fact that if youre nice and considerate, that unfortunately people who arent like that walk all over you. I had something similar with MIL, although shes not crazy like yours. I just realised that she wasnT extending me the same kindness and consideration that I was extending her, and that wasn`t right because it was her who wanted the contact to continue (just like yours). I would have been very happy never to have to meet up with her.
The key of course, was DH. It took a lot of effort (and arguing) for him to realise that if I treated MIL the way she was treating me, it would be totally unacceptable. In a sense you do have to start thinking more about yourself more. This kind of thing puts more stress on you than you realise.

Just see the situation as being his problem, not yours. He is the one who has to resolve it, not you. In my case, 90% of my upset was not actually MIL herself, but the fact that DH would defend her. With him finally on my side, she seems a lot easier to deal with and cope with.
Your DH needs to start taking some responsibility for the situation, instead of putting it all onto you to resolve, and put up with.

macneil · 29/01/2007 01:35

She is totally unreasonable, and rather mean. Now, may I ask, as I'm new to mumsnet, what does knicker elastic as a gift constitute, and how is one supposed to use it? All my knickers are invisibly elasticated, and come with exactly enough elastic.

hunkermunker · 29/01/2007 01:40

WWB, you are a saint where this woman's concerned. I would've shoved half a loofah up her backside a long time ago, and tied it in with elastic.

Sorry, flippant, but still - if DH wants to go and see his mother more often, he can go. No need for you or DD to go, IMO.

And if he doesn't like that, he can grow a pair, tell his mother she's a trout and spend more time with you and DD at weekends without wondering if the apron strings will snap if he doesn't see his mother for a nanosecond over a fortnight.

I remember how upsetting this woman has been in the past, and how weak your DH has been re her. I know she's his mother, but fgs - you are his WIFE, mother of his DD. That has to count for more than it currently does, IMO.

hunkermunker · 29/01/2007 01:40

As for saving up jobs for him to do, send her an Age Concern leaflet.

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