I'm so confused

[Rinoachicken]

This will be long, I'll try to be as clear as possible.

I have been married for 9 years. Everything was fine until our first DS(6). DH and I agreed he would be a SAHD (his idea) because I earned double. He began to get really sarcastic and belittling towards me.

We moved house and because I don't drive DH would drive me to work and back. He began to make excuses as to why we couldn't go places, or why he couldn't go out to places. He would make me feel guilty for going anywhere except work. There were occasions when he would say he was too ill to look after our DS so I would have to take a day off work and then he'd feel better all of a sudden. He hated where we were living and would blame his bad moods on the environment, being stuck there whilst I got to go to work.

He was also raping me, but I was in denial about it at this point, making excuses for him. I suffer from mental illness and I went into a deep depression to the point of being suicidal.

We moved again and I hoped it would be OK because we were back in a town and DH loved the new place. But nothing changed, he seemed to get even more controlling.

Then there was an 'incident' where I couldn't deny to myself what had happened. I went to the police and asked DH to leave the house which he did. He admitted to the police what had happened. I didn't want him charged so he was warned.

I had no support or anyone to talk to. I didn't know what to do. He came back home after two weeks. We slept apart for 3 months but then his mum came to stay so he had to come back to our bed.

We had some couples therapy and things did get a bit better for a while. I wasn't mentally stronger and felt able to challenge his behaviour.

We had DS2 (3), he was not planned but welcomed. DH continued gradually slipping back into old ways.

So I am now in this position:

I am dependent on DH for managing my medication, he makes sure I'm eating properly etc. I get higher rate PIP and he gets carers allowance.

I don't drive. I got a motorbike which was AMAZING but it's currently off the road and DH doesn't want me riding it anymore. I took driving lessons in secret but failed my test and DH doesn't want to waste the money for me to have more lessons. A colleague drives me to work and back 4 days out of 5 with DH doing the other 1.

I go to church, which is the only place I get to go with DH blessing. I go with the boys and he stays at home. It's walking distance. I joined a house group and ladies group but there always seems to be a reason why I can't go, like DH is feeling ill, or he says one of the boys has been ill, or he's had a tough day and it's not fair on him. The groups are after the boys bedtime.

DH never goes out except to do school runs, see his mum, baby groups. I've encouraged him to go to football etc to have some time for him but he won't. He says he doesn't need any friends because he has me, and that he knows I struggle looking after the boys for long periods because of my mental health.

If I leave the living room to go to the loo or kitchen he asks me where I'm going. If I'm too long he shouts or comes up to see where I've got to. If I have a phone call or am texting someone he asks who it is what it was about. He doesn't demand to know or anything like that but he gets all sulky and defensive if I won't say or ask why he wants to know.

I had an abusive childhood, which DH knows. He is still taking advantage of the fact I am unable to tell him no in bed. I o my show a little resistance before just complying and he doesnt seem to pay attention to that.

He is constantly making sarcastic and barbed comments towards me, and belittles me in front of others. I only have two friends and I haven't seen them at all this year because there has always been a reason it's not convenient, or if I have managed to arrange a date something will come up.

If I do ever manage to go out DH makes me feel really guilty about it, sulks etc. It's a big price I end up paying and it's hardly ever worth it so I don't bother even trying to go out mostly.

He's been really nice to me the last week which is freaking me out. And I feel so pathetic for letting myself get to this position where my husband being nice to me is 'abnormal'!

I know this is an abusive marriage. But I don't know what on earth I can do. We are joint council tenants so I can't make him leave. He is main carer for the boys and is sure to get custody as I can't drive and he will tell them I can't look after them because of my mental health. The boys adore him and would be devastated if I took them away.

So my plan is to stick this out until they are older. I just don't know what else I can do. I just need to endure a bit longer. I should have taken the chance while I had it but I missed it so now I'm truly stuck.

I can't talk to anyone about it because I work in adult social care. I am fully aware that if I spoke to my GP, my vicar or any of my colleagues they would have a duty to report it because I am a 'vulnerable adult'. Then I would lose my children.

I just don't know what to do.

Please be kind. I've never posted on this forum before.

Thank you for all your kind words xxx

I am signed up for the Freedom Programme, my local sure start centre runs them, the next one is November I think.

I did buy myself a nice notebook to write my thoughts in but I'm only able to write a few words at the moment, otherwise it's just too overwhelming.

OP you're amazing and have a fabulous future ahead of you and your DC. Take all the help available and great to see you've signed up for the freedom programme. It's really helpful. for you

I've only just seen this Rino and it's given me goosebumps. What an amazing, courageous lady you are. Your boys will thank you one day.

You're going to experience an emotional rollercoaster in the days/months so prepare yourself for that.

Onwards and upwards

Oh and please don't feel like you have to entertain your DC all day, that's exhausting in itself. Watching a few hours of TV really will not harm them, and they need to be able to play by themselves too. Don't feel guilty just leaving them be.

You have been very brave and done what's best for your sons you don't want them to model themselves on an abusive relationship. It is very hard to stand up for yourself so I think all of us admire what you have done. I hope you can manage to finish off learning to drive now it doesn't need to be a secret any more xx

It's one of my goals for the next 12 months

Nights are so bad at the moment. I just lie there crying. And there's no one to call at midnight. Sometimes I just feel so alone and insecure

Rino - i have only seen this thread and am in awe of what you have achieved and continue to manage. Truly. When you are awake in the night it always feels so much worse but sit up and make a list of all you need to get done the next day and what you would like to do in the coming week and months when things are more settled. I have always found that helps me feel in control. There are women contributing to this thread and others (like i usually am) reading and rooting for you. Some have walked your path - some haven't but there is so much good advice and empathy on MN. Keep going lovely xx

I really feel for you Rino - you have been so brave and strong. Don't be too hard on yourself - it will get easier.

Thanks everyone. It does actually help knowing I have this thread to come back to. I think things will be a bit easier once my eldest is back at school next week - more of a routine. I'm starting to gradually de-clutter the house, putting my husbands clothes in vacuum bags and in the loft so they are out the way and not a reminder.

How's it going this week Rino? Is it helping that your eldest is back at school? That sounds positive about the de-cluttering - actually you've inspired me on that as I was doing that for a while and have stopped.

My husband is writing to the boys, which the police and social services has said is fine. But in every letter he's saying how sad he is without them and that he hasn't had permission yet to see them. They've had phonecalls with him as well and the same is said over the phone, this morning my mother in law said it was cruel. Its making my eldest even more upset and really upsetting me as well as a result

It's very common for your H's type of personality to perfect an image of Father of the Year. He will also look for ways to show you up as the bad parent, instead of him. He's lost control of you and he's making sure he doesn't lose control of your DC either, by priming them for control and manipulation with lots of loving talk. We all know it's an act, unfortunately they are extremely good at it.
All you can do is model how an emotionally healthy person behaves. As they get older you can discuss with DC how some people manipulate others for their own ego boost, using guilt, gifts, favours, intimidation, threats, kind words for example. Teach them to listen to their gut feeling and to trust it. There's a good chance they will sense there is something 'off' about him and that he is insincere. And he will give himself away when they notice his words don't correspond with his actions.

I think it's reasonable to explain to your DC, in a simple way without lots of details, why their F can't come home.
You could say daddy was frightening mummy and that's not ok. Love is not scaring someone or hurting someone. Even police officers agreed. They said daddy couldn't live with you anymore so that mummy could feel safe. It's the law that everyone should be able to feel safe at home.

Thank you. I called SW and she said to stop any calls going that way and pre-read letter and was going to warn him to keep it positive.

I am so tired today and I feel freezing cold. My youngest is FULL of energy, my eldest is grumpy, I have laundry and ironing to do and I just want to cry and crawl into bed.

This is so hard, I'm rubbish at it just like he said I would be

No, you're not! Your dealing with emotions that have been pent up for years.
His opinion of you is untrue and irrelevant.
You have done the very best thing you could do for your children and in time you will feel better. Xxx