This will be long, I'll try to be as clear as possible.
I have been married for 9 years. Everything was fine until our first DS(6). DH and I agreed he would be a SAHD (his idea) because I earned double. He began to get really sarcastic and belittling towards me.
We moved house and because I don't drive DH would drive me to work and back. He began to make excuses as to why we couldn't go places, or why he couldn't go out to places. He would make me feel guilty for going anywhere except work. There were occasions when he would say he was too ill to look after our DS so I would have to take a day off work and then he'd feel better all of a sudden. He hated where we were living and would blame his bad moods on the environment, being stuck there whilst I got to go to work.
He was also raping me, but I was in denial about it at this point, making excuses for him. I suffer from mental illness and I went into a deep depression to the point of being suicidal.
We moved again and I hoped it would be OK because we were back in a town and DH loved the new place. But nothing changed, he seemed to get even more controlling.
Then there was an 'incident' where I couldn't deny to myself what had happened. I went to the police and asked DH to leave the house which he did. He admitted to the police what had happened. I didn't want him charged so he was warned.
I had no support or anyone to talk to. I didn't know what to do. He came back home after two weeks. We slept apart for 3 months but then his mum came to stay so he had to come back to our bed.
We had some couples therapy and things did get a bit better for a while. I wasn't mentally stronger and felt able to challenge his behaviour.
We had DS2 (3), he was not planned but welcomed. DH continued gradually slipping back into old ways.
So I am now in this position:
I am dependent on DH for managing my medication, he makes sure I'm eating properly etc. I get higher rate PIP and he gets carers allowance.
I don't drive. I got a motorbike which was AMAZING but it's currently off the road and DH doesn't want me riding it anymore. I took driving lessons in secret but failed my test and DH doesn't want to waste the money for me to have more lessons. A colleague drives me to work and back 4 days out of 5 with DH doing the other 1.
I go to church, which is the only place I get to go with DH blessing. I go with the boys and he stays at home. It's walking distance. I joined a house group and ladies group but there always seems to be a reason why I can't go, like DH is feeling ill, or he says one of the boys has been ill, or he's had a tough day and it's not fair on him. The groups are after the boys bedtime.
DH never goes out except to do school runs, see his mum, baby groups. I've encouraged him to go to football etc to have some time for him but he won't. He says he doesn't need any friends because he has me, and that he knows I struggle looking after the boys for long periods because of my mental health.
If I leave the living room to go to the loo or kitchen he asks me where I'm going. If I'm too long he shouts or comes up to see where I've got to. If I have a phone call or am texting someone he asks who it is what it was about. He doesn't demand to know or anything like that but he gets all sulky and defensive if I won't say or ask why he wants to know.
I had an abusive childhood, which DH knows. He is still taking advantage of the fact I am unable to tell him no in bed. I o my show a little resistance before just complying and he doesnt seem to pay attention to that.
He is constantly making sarcastic and barbed comments towards me, and belittles me in front of others. I only have two friends and I haven't seen them at all this year because there has always been a reason it's not convenient, or if I have managed to arrange a date something will come up.
If I do ever manage to go out DH makes me feel really guilty about it, sulks etc. It's a big price I end up paying and it's hardly ever worth it so I don't bother even trying to go out mostly.
He's been really nice to me the last week which is freaking me out. And I feel so pathetic for letting myself get to this position where my husband being nice to me is 'abnormal'!
I know this is an abusive marriage. But I don't know what on earth I can do. We are joint council tenants so I can't make him leave. He is main carer for the boys and is sure to get custody as I can't drive and he will tell them I can't look after them because of my mental health. The boys adore him and would be devastated if I took them away.
So my plan is to stick this out until they are older. I just don't know what else I can do. I just need to endure a bit longer. I should have taken the chance while I had it but I missed it so now I'm truly stuck.
I can't talk to anyone about it because I work in adult social care. I am fully aware that if I spoke to my GP, my vicar or any of my colleagues they would have a duty to report it because I am a 'vulnerable adult'. Then I would lose my children.
I just don't know what to do.
Please be kind. I've never posted on this forum before.